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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think who does the caring inherits the money?

126 replies

Witchandbitch · 17/05/2010 12:56

Nutshell for the ladies of wisdom to crack - elderly parents, one with dementia, need looking after in own home.

Parents have made will leaving the lot to The Son, who lives the other end of Europe with his family. Daughter , who is single, no kids, two jobs, lives an hour away, has been pressured to take time out to care for the old couple.

The unusual will has been explained by parents as "didn't trust DD with money", which slightly takes aback DD, as she?s the only solvent and employed member of family.

The family won?t discuss it with her, altho? The Son has been party to all their plans.

Would you help the old couple? The daughter is not wildly well paid and in mediocre health, by the way.

OP posts:
ShinyAndNew · 17/05/2010 12:59

I'd still help care for them yes. they are her parents. Surely, if they had no money to give to anyone she would still care for them?

Plumm · 17/05/2010 13:00

They don't trust daughter with money, but they do trust her to look after a person with dementia?

I wouldn't do it.

Tell them to use the money they've got to employ someone to care for them.

Are you the daughter?

azazello · 17/05/2010 13:02

Tbh, I wouldn't.

Caring is incredibly hard work and I would resent giving up everything to look after them knowing I was cut out of the will. If they had no money/ nothing to leave it would be a different matter but the deliberate disregard would be very hard to deal with.

VinegarTits · 17/05/2010 13:02

if it was me, the 'didnt trust dd with money' would annoy me more than the money going to the son

and i would refuse to care for them, i would tell them to pay for care out of their money, as if i couldnt be trusted with money, i couldnt be trusted to care for them

LisaD1 · 17/05/2010 13:04

I wouldn't do it but then my parents could pay me a million pound a week and I still wouldn't look after them!

I would look after my inlaws in their hour of need, with no concern as to who inherits from them, as they are truly lovely people.

I would be hurt in the OP situation but for me it wouldn't come down to the money, it would be if I could genuinely "care" for the people.

OTTMummA · 17/05/2010 13:04

depends on what the relationship was like before the DD gained knowledge of the will content.

If you had a good relatioship with your parents, and feel that they did their best etc, then i would help as much as i could, without making my own situation worse etc.

If not then I would probably not of had a relationship with them for quite sometime before they became infirmed and would be shocked to think they would expect me to help.

If they are unwilling to discuss the reasons why, the i would let them know that it had hurt my feelings and put it to them how they would like it done to them etc.

If they still treated me this way, i wouldn't help but would visit etc, and treat them the same.
If they have money they can use it for care when they need it etc.

BritFish · 17/05/2010 13:06

i would ask them that very question, why do they trust the daughter to look after them but not inherit from them? what do they think the daughter will spend it on?

StealthPolarBear · 17/05/2010 13:07

sounds like they both have dementia, or have very old fashioned ideas about women owning property
The ideal situation would be for the daughter to do it (assuming she's happy to) and the son to pay his sister a very good carer's wage.
But you couldn't pay me to look after someone with AD

olderandwider · 17/05/2010 13:08

I think the daughter should still do what she can to help the parents, but also point out to the parents that they may need to pay for care if/when she can't manage to be there.

Sadly, parents do make apparently eccentric decisions about who they leave their estate to and there is not much anyone can can do about it. It is possible to challenge a will, once somebody has died, and I think wills can be revised after death, with the agreement of all beneficiaries (forgotten the name of the process). Would the brother agree to sharing the estate perhaps?

Final thought - the parents may live for many years, so wouldn't get too exercised yet. A lot can change!

porcamiseria · 17/05/2010 13:09

agree with most here, tell them to dig into the sons inheritence to pay for their care, such a cruel way to treat their daughter

AMumInScotland · 17/05/2010 13:10

If I was the daughter, struggling with work and health etc, I'd focus on making sure the couple got the help they needed elsewhere - either from social services or paid for privately, and then be able to focus on going to visit to spend quality time with them when possible.

ImSoNotTelling · 17/05/2010 13:20

Surely the daughter needs to spend her hours working and carving out a career for herself, given that she's been cut out of the will.

They want her to throw a spanner in her job for possibly years to come, and as a thank you will give all their money to her brother?

I would be spitting TBH.

If my parents told me that they thought much more of my brother than me, and in fact they didn't really like me at all, I don't think I'd be on particularly cordial terms with them TBH.

persephonesnape · 17/05/2010 13:33

I was brought up in a household with a great aunt who suffered from AD, it absolutely tainted my childhood and I would have no problem at all in refusing to care for anyone with AD, no matter what relation or none. I think it is absolutely incredible that this woman is expected to care for her parents, merely it seems, by virtue of being female. absolutely NO, a thousand times.

victoriascrumptious · 17/05/2010 13:34

My sympathies to whomever it is in this situation. I wouldn't bother with them, it shows a lack of basic regard for the dd.

Journey · 17/05/2010 13:37

I wouldn't. It's a slap in the face to the DD. If I was the DD I'd tell my brother that I wasn't doing it and they will need to put them in a home, and that in order to pay for the care home they will need to sell their parent's house. Bye bye to the son's inheritance!

thesecondcoming · 17/05/2010 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 17/05/2010 13:42

ISNT - totally agree.

In that situation I would be telling DB that it's up to him what he arranges for them.... then let them all get on with it.

Unless their dementia had set in when they did their will, then I would look after them, but I would be getting it in writing from DB that I would be getting the Lions share of the inheritance or that he should work out how he is going to look after them as I wouldn't be giving up my job to do so.

coppertop · 17/05/2010 13:43

The daughter is in poor health, working two jobs, and lives an hour away. I would say that if she attempts to take on caring duties she will end ip possibly unable to take care of herself, never mind two elderly people.

If the parents have money then they should be using it now to pay for their own care.

sethstarkaddersmum · 17/05/2010 13:43

you would need so much love to care for a parent with dementia, at the best of times. to still feel that when you've been deliberately cut out of the will would take extreme saintliness. What's more, specially under the current economic circs (difficulty of saving up for your own retirement etc) giving up work to do so would seem highly unwise.

darcymum · 17/05/2010 13:48

The DD has to give up part (or all) of her income and travel (daily?) one hour each way to look after parents. This looks to me as if DD is not only getting nothing in return but is also contributing to the amount DS gets by saving parents money. I dont understand why they are treating her so badly, some history behind it maybe? Could the parents be leaving all the money to DS because he has children and they want it to pass down the line?

If I lived closer to parents maybe I would care for them but I certainly wouldn't damage my own financial security to do so.

MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2010 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 17/05/2010 13:51

I agree that daughter should say no.

And re title, I don´t think the carer should inherit all the money-it should be split equally imo.

MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2010 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 17/05/2010 13:53

fuckit, no.
There is no need for them to be in their own home if they can't look after themselves and if the Son who is going to inherit can't come back and look after them.

If it were me, I would offer them all the help in the world to get alternative care in - or get them into care - but no way would I give up my life for them under those circs. That would surely demonstrate a lack of responsibility wrt to money!

pumperspumpkin · 17/05/2010 13:58

Even taking the will out of the question, I don't think I could do it and I love my mother very much. The daughter needs to think first of all whether she's even the kind of person who can do such a job well, let alone give up her own life (which is what it would involve really by the sounds of it) to do it. And as for giving up her jobs, possibly moving closer etc etc all for no financial reward - no way.

Out of interest who is putting the pressure on - is it actually the brother? In which case he can fuck right off I would say and sort the situation out for himself.