Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think who does the caring inherits the money?

126 replies

Witchandbitch · 17/05/2010 12:56

Nutshell for the ladies of wisdom to crack - elderly parents, one with dementia, need looking after in own home.

Parents have made will leaving the lot to The Son, who lives the other end of Europe with his family. Daughter , who is single, no kids, two jobs, lives an hour away, has been pressured to take time out to care for the old couple.

The unusual will has been explained by parents as "didn't trust DD with money", which slightly takes aback DD, as she?s the only solvent and employed member of family.

The family won?t discuss it with her, altho? The Son has been party to all their plans.

Would you help the old couple? The daughter is not wildly well paid and in mediocre health, by the way.

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 17/05/2010 16:22

Whether they "then" leave the money to her is entirely separate - well she already knows they aren't going to leave any money to her so there is no "then" about it.

I suppose she could spend the time looking after them trying to glean reasons as to why they apparently dislike her so much. And why she is so inferior to her brother. Great.

Honestly, if my parents cut me out of their will, in favour of my brother, I would be devastated and would never get over it. How you you look someone in the face when you know they hold you in such contempt.

darcymum · 17/05/2010 16:34

Agree with sonottelling they are treating dd with contempt. It would be different if all the money was going to be left to a charity or something, then the children would both be treated equally.

Cicatrice · 17/05/2010 17:01

No, she shouldn't do it. Caring for a parent with dementia is incredibly hard, emotionally and physically.

And knowing that she has been passed over in favour of her brother would be very painful.

lou031205 · 17/05/2010 17:03

I stand by it. I support my parents now, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if caring for them fell to me in the future. But in the event of their death, if their estate split between us all or even went to the others it would be of no consequence - it isn't why you care for someone in my opinion. It is entirely separate.

ImSoNotTelling · 17/05/2010 17:09

And even if they called on you tomorrow and said "hello lou. we have decided to write you out of our will entirely. we feel that your siblings are more deserving than you. I know that we have a lot of sentimental possessions and granny's stuff and the photo albums, and that you are a family orientated person who would have appreciated some of those things. But we don't want you to have anything, we're giving everything to your siblings" the you would click your heels, whoop and think nothing of it?

What if they always bought birthday presents for all of your siblings but never for you?
What if they always bought presents or sent cards for your siblings children, but never for yours?

I think that to soldier on in a relationship with people who obviously dislike you, is rather more matyrish than caring TBH.

Sassybeast · 17/05/2010 17:23

I'm struggling yo understand how much input the daughter would actually have given her own circumstances. Sounds like an awful situation all round and I'd think that the elderly couple would be better placed spending 'their' money on proper care, rather than being in a situation that they are being reluctantly cared for by someone who is already feeling disgruntled about what financial gain she may or may not achieve when they have died.

MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2010 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImSoNotTelling · 17/05/2010 17:28

You are a very generous and kind person though obviously

I'm not shouting "you're wrong!!!" I'm more that anyone would be able to shrug off being treated like that, and carry on as usual.

To me, being written out would be the same effect as them simply telling me to piss off. It means, we don't love you, we don't care about you, we don't consider you to be a relevant part of our family.

ImSoNotTelling · 17/05/2010 17:28

That was to lou BTW

ImSoNotTelling · 17/05/2010 17:30

Forget financial gain

What about photo albums, momentos, watches, wedding dresses, all of that sort of stuff.

There's so much more to these things than just cash.

It's just all so

Jux · 17/05/2010 17:32

I'd care for them, but contest the Will. Or get my bro to sign a legal doc saying the dosh would be divided equally between us immediately he got it.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 17/05/2010 17:32

I wouldn't. Not because they weren't leaving me money (meaning I would only care for them if there was money in it for me) but because for them to think so little of me that they think I couldn't cope with money and for them to favour my sibling, would leave me feeling so sad and unloved and unvalued that I couldn't be in the same room as them.

It's not about the money, because if they had no savings and all they left was a teaspoon and they said they were leaving it to my brother because they didn't trust me to be able to stir it properly I'd feel exactly the same.

I'd feel that I was being used but wasn't loved.

So I'd back right off and leave them to it. Because clearly they didn't think enough of me to deserve me in their lives.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2010 17:35

No. If they don't trust me with money then they don't trust me.

They could hire their own help.

Caring for people with dementia is my idea of hell, too.

I'd rather prostitute myself.

I really would.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 17/05/2010 17:36

OP - are you the DD?

YABU. It is up to the will writer who gets what.

My nana died leaving the bulk to her feckless sons. Her choice.

diddl · 17/05/2010 17:43

Of course it´s up to will writers who they leave things to.
It´s also up to daughters to decide whether or not to look after parents

expatinscotland · 17/05/2010 17:43

It is up to the will holder indeed. And it's up to the daughter if she wants to do the caring.

Personally, I wouldn't.

I'd feel they were just using me and worse, because they feel that having a vagina means that's my lot in life.

pointydog · 17/05/2010 17:44

I think the person with the money decides who to give it to. And the person who is being asked to help decides whether to help or not.

Thediaryofanobody · 17/05/2010 17:51

OP posts then runs and has no posting history.

MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2010 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunawayWife · 17/05/2010 18:07

Personally I would tell them to get their son to come home and look after them.
I chose to have my kids I do not expect them to ever feed me and wipe my backside.

They could always not leave the money to anyone and spend it on a care home

lou031205 · 17/05/2010 18:15

Imsonottelling, I didn't really consider family trinkets, as the OP only mentioned money.

"What if they always bought birthday presents for all of your siblings but never for you?
What if they always bought presents or sent cards for your siblings children, but never for yours?"

I would see that as more to do with our fundamental, ongoing relationship, tbh.

An inheritance is a privilege for the wealthy. I know my parents won't have a bean to pass on

ImSoNotTelling · 17/05/2010 18:29

I would see them giving everything to my brother a pretty fundamental problem with our ongoing relationship TBH!

I suppose in my family everyone is absolutely open about this stuff, and ensures that it is utterly equitable to the final piece of lego and necklace. The thought of someone being written out is horrifyingly unthinkable!

2rebecca · 17/05/2010 18:56

I don't think the will is a red herring. If my dad told me I was not being left anything whilst my siblings were because I was useless with money (whatever that means, surely once you're dead it shouldn't matter if your children invest in the stock market or spend it on sweeties, you could argue the latter is more ethical)then it would hugely affect our relationship.
Disinheriting your children, or worse one child in particular is a very hurtful thing to do to that child and implies they are valued less than the other child. Different if the kids are well off and you want to leave the money to charity.
I doubt I'd be having much to do with my parents in this situation and would tell them that I had been very hurt by their treatment of me and if my brother was so wonderful he could look after them.
If you treat someone badly it has consequences.
The daughter needs to sort her own life out as she has no inheritance to rely on, although I think it's good for everyone to have to sort their own lives out and would happily see all money go to the state when people die unless they have dependants. It might stop people greedily acquiring more than they need.

lou031205 · 17/05/2010 19:38

Ahhh, well there's the thing - I too am being very hypothetical because my family was just as you describe during my childhood:

My Mum used to weigh out grapes to make sure we all got a fair amount (and then wondered why she ended up with less. I had to break it to her recently that she had always forgotten about the stalk, so ended up with stalk and grapes as her portion ).

So perhaps I would feel very differently if it was a possibility or even a likely reality.

As it is, I would gladly care for my parents without any thought of what I might gain as a result of their deaths. I am very unlikely to be in line for anything, though. They are as poor as church mice, but the loveliest ones I have ever met.

Strawbezza · 17/05/2010 19:49

The will should leave half to each child. Does "The Son" agree that would be fairer, or is he being greedy about this? If "The Son" and "The Daughter" agree a 50/50 split is fairest, they should approach the parents and ask them to change their will.

Even if that happens, it's still not fair on "The Daughter" to be an unpaid carer. She should only take on that task if she genuinely wants to. Otherwise the parents should pay for care, it sounds as if they could easily afford it.

Both parents could live for many more years.

Swipe left for the next trending thread