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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think who does the caring inherits the money?

126 replies

Witchandbitch · 17/05/2010 12:56

Nutshell for the ladies of wisdom to crack - elderly parents, one with dementia, need looking after in own home.

Parents have made will leaving the lot to The Son, who lives the other end of Europe with his family. Daughter , who is single, no kids, two jobs, lives an hour away, has been pressured to take time out to care for the old couple.

The unusual will has been explained by parents as "didn't trust DD with money", which slightly takes aback DD, as she?s the only solvent and employed member of family.

The family won?t discuss it with her, altho? The Son has been party to all their plans.

Would you help the old couple? The daughter is not wildly well paid and in mediocre health, by the way.

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 17/05/2010 19:55

lou it's funny isn't it, two opposites from the same standpoint.

I think the difference in our thinking is that you are seeing it as the person wanting to be paid/get money in order to do the caring. Whereas I am coming from it from the POV that if my parents told me they'd left everything to my brother and nothing to me, I'd understand that they hated me and I'd never want to see them again and I'd never get over it

Fortunately it sounds like both of our families are sensibly very even-handed which is absolutely as it should be

Portofino · 17/05/2010 20:05

Under the circumstances described here, no I wouldn't do it. Not because of the money but because of the differing attitudes shown by the parents to their children.

lou031205 · 17/05/2010 20:13

well, except that my poor mum didn't realise that she was dipping out

ImSoNotTelling · 17/05/2010 20:26

That's classic mum though.

She probably knew what was going on all along, really

katycarr · 17/05/2010 20:34

My dp and I cared or his mother and her partner every day, all day every weekend for years. She wanted to just leave money to dp and not to his brother to thank him for providing that care. We asked her to ensure the brother was kept in the will. Caring and money should not be linked. Infact we tried to encourage dp's mother to spend all of her money on herself. When dp's mother died we carried on to care for her partner as his family had nothing to do with him. We were not in the will and this did not bother us as that was not why we were caring for him. He left about 3-4ooK to family that he had not seen in years. We were left nothing. I would be lieing if I said that momentarily we were not a little hurt. But money and providing care should not be linked IMO.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2010 20:46

'But money and providing care should not be linked IMO.'

Then nursing homes shouldn't charge, doctors, surgeons, nurses, dentists shouldn't charge, counsellors shouldn't charge, funeral homes shouldn't charge, etc.

If she didn't provide care for them at the expense of her financial well-being and health then they'd have to buy it elsewhere.

Because there's no such thing as a free lunch.

Quattrocento · 17/05/2010 20:56

This isn't a difficult problem for anyone other than the daughter, who is being emotionally blackmailed and feeling abandoned at the same time.

So, to the daughter, I say well, at least they've had the decency to be honest about their plans. Don't change a thing about your life. Go and visit them as you would any pair of functioning relatives. You don't owe them any more and in the circumstances, they are being unreasonable to have any expectations of you.

This sort of thing would be illegal in France. Better system IMO

katycarr · 17/05/2010 21:08

But there is a differnce between a professional providing care and you doing it for your family.

I will soon be helping to care or my grandfather, I do not want a penny from him and the same for my mother when the time comes.

bumpsoon · 17/05/2010 21:10

She shouldnt feel under any moral obligation to provide care ,people have children because they choose to ,children do not choose to be born and therefore they shouldnt feel that they have to care for their parents .

katycarr · 17/05/2010 21:14

I feel obligated to care or my parents.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2010 21:17

Many people, many, Katy, do not have the time to take off from work financially to care for an elderly relative.

Or the stamina.

Or the inclination.

Personally, I'm off to Switzerland the moment I feel any slip on reality.

I see no reason to burden others for the purpose of living a life of which I am no longer aware.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2010 21:19

'But there is a differnce between a professional providing care and you doing it for your family.'

There isn't when your finances leave you unable to care for family.

This person in the OP has no partner to help her, two jobs and mediocre health.

katycarr · 17/05/2010 21:22

I totally understand that, we were limited in the time we could take to care for dp's family. Dp would go every day on his way to work, every lunchtime and evening before coming home. We were there every Saturday and when it got hard Sunday. Under my old name you will find threads where I moan about the fact I had no help at home and rarely saw dp. It also cost us financially at a time when money was tight. She offered to give us money but if felt wrong to take it. We did however let her pay for one holiday. Dp really is a saint and he about to help me provide respite care or my grandma ( my aunt cares full time) and we will soon be caring for my grandfather. Dp is also my full time carer.

IMO it is what families do and I would hate to think that someone I loved felt the need to end their lives out of concern that they were a burden.

I will declare my hand as a devout Roman Catholic - we are funny about things like that!

expatinscotland · 17/05/2010 21:25

I don't want my kids wiping my arse, katy. I'd really see no point in living at that point and would seek to end my life long before that.

I didn't have my kids so they could care for me.

I don't think this OP has any obligation to provide care.

Her parents' actions have shown her she is less valuable to them than her brother, a skivvy because she has a vagina.

katycarr · 17/05/2010 21:27

It is not something I am aiming for either expat but we don't know how we woudl feel in the situation. I agree the parents have acted wrongly but sometimes you have to be the better person

QSnondomicile · 17/05/2010 21:32

No.

Everyday she spends caring for her parents, she is working hard to increase her brothers inheritance, while she decreases her own earning power.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2010 21:33

'sometimes you have to be the better person '

See, I would see that as being taken for a mug. Being used makes me feel terrible about myself and makes me angry, which would make me bitter. So nope, I wouldn't go there.

And I know, and have known, exactly how I feel about assisted suicide.

piscesmoon · 17/05/2010 21:43

I think that she should get together with her brother and discuss what they are going to do. I would find a nursing home-I would be a hopeless carer. I wouldn't want my DCs looking after me-I would far rather have paid help.

pamplemousse · 17/05/2010 21:48

No, practically living an hour away it would take over her life.
My job is caring for two senile 90+ year olds and it is a full time draining job, and they are not related to me and will not leave me a penny!

katycarr · 17/05/2010 22:02

We just have to agree to disagree I suppose expat.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2010 22:04

Also, the daughter in the OP has no partner or support.

And if your partner is a devout Catholic why has he not married you? It's a mortal sin to live with someone and have sex with them and not be married.

katycarr · 17/05/2010 22:08

My partner is not a devout Catholic, I am. He is converting to Catholicism. My ex husband left me , my daughter needs a father and I am not a saint. If my partner and I could be married in a Catholic Church we would do.

Piffle · 17/05/2010 22:18

I was written out of Mums will many years ago... For quite dull reasons
also my 1st brother - the youngest stands to inherit all ( though he is sweet hearted and fair)

mum is 65 still works 2 weeks on/off caring for elderly folks. Has seaside caravan where she takes her unsociable and irascible self on weeks off..
Last year it was broached ( by mum) that WE ( DP, me, 3 kids and Her) should pool resources and buy a suitable property with annexe for mum.
We discussed and got to legalities
I would give up retraining/career to care for her
we would bear brunt of increased mortgage as mums means were limited
we thus asked to inherit fully her share of any property we bought jointly
she said
" you're not getting anything when I die"
so I said
well
it ended with off
and she has
now boarding with my DB and SIL expecting their first baby
he inherits all so he can care for her after all

expatinscotland · 17/05/2010 22:20

None of us is a saint, therefore it shouldn't be hard to understand why a person on her own working two jobs in mediocre health would be reluctant or unable to be a carer for a relative who also refuses to compensate her, as she is single, very vital earnings she'd lose through caring for them.

Not to mention her health.

katycarr · 17/05/2010 22:23

I know it is not easy, it is just something I would do and have done. I don't think that makes me a saint it just makes me different to you.

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