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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think who does the caring inherits the money?

126 replies

Witchandbitch · 17/05/2010 12:56

Nutshell for the ladies of wisdom to crack - elderly parents, one with dementia, need looking after in own home.

Parents have made will leaving the lot to The Son, who lives the other end of Europe with his family. Daughter , who is single, no kids, two jobs, lives an hour away, has been pressured to take time out to care for the old couple.

The unusual will has been explained by parents as "didn't trust DD with money", which slightly takes aback DD, as she?s the only solvent and employed member of family.

The family won?t discuss it with her, altho? The Son has been party to all their plans.

Would you help the old couple? The daughter is not wildly well paid and in mediocre health, by the way.

OP posts:
maktaitai · 17/05/2010 13:59

I think this is two separate issues and yoking them together is a recipe for bitterness and heartache, so I guess that's my answer.

Care for parents is one thing. You've got one elderly person being the full-time carer for the other with dementia, and from this thread alone that sounds unsustainable. Daughter should decide what she can do in terms of time and logistics to support the caring parent. If she can bring herself to move closer, that would make life a lot easier. If she could commit even to a regular afternoon (fortnightly?, monthly?) with the ill parent plus a lot of agency/carer wrangling, that will be quite tough enough for starters. I do not think she should give up her job. she should encourage the buying of care whenever appropriate.

the Son and other family should be contacted in a friendly spirit to see what they could offer. if they make any protests about purchasing care (I would be surprised if they did) then they should be asked to come over and spend a fortnight here to thrash it out.

The will? I wouldn't even touch that one. It's incredibly hurtful and unpleasant of the parents to do this but wills spread pain like a Mile-a-Minute plant grows. Maybe they have reasons which the OP doesn't mention. There is nothing to be gained from thinking about it.

Bonsoir · 17/05/2010 14:01

Total madness. Of course the daughter in the OP shouldn't forfeit her income for no inheritance if there is money aplenty to pay for a carer.

Kathyjelly · 17/05/2010 14:02

No, I wouldn't do it. I'd carry on being a normal daughter, visiting occasionally and leave the care to the carer they should be paying for.

My mother was put in this situation by my grandmother who chose to leave her money to her son because she was of an age & class that believed "women shouldn't have money". It placed a massive burden on my mother and created a huge angry rift between them before my grandmother died.

Thankfully my uncle is a decent man and promptly gave my mother half so the argument died with my gran but it could have carried on for another generation.

qwertpoiuy · 17/05/2010 14:08

My mother and 2 of her sisters had a 24/7 rota caring for their mother who lived in her own rented flat. There were 5 other siblings around but they all had excuses as to why they couldn't share in her care.

One carer aunt got sick and had to go to hospital, then the other carer aunt and still none of the other 5 siblings would help out with any of the care, yet stipulated they didn't want her to go into a home! Then mum got sick and underwent tests - was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died a few months later. The aunts had gallstone operations, and subsequently recovered.

The stress they suffered was unreal. She had dementia and needed everything done for her. In the end, she went into a private nursing home and all siblings had to cough up for that.

There was no inheritance involved here. I can't imagine the fury that would have erupted if any of the 5 remaining siblings inherited everything, after all my mother and aunts had been through.

That's what this dd has to think about. She is very likely to suffer healthwise if she pursues this arrangement. the nursing home is the best was for her to go.

qwertpoiuy · 17/05/2010 14:09

Kathyjelly, refreshing to read about your lovely uncle!

mamatomany · 17/05/2010 14:10

This happened to a lady locally, she gave up her job, nearly lost her house and marriage to care for her brother who promised everything would be left to her in return for caring for him.
Some how the will never got changed and everything went to the son who turned up late to the funeral to find out when the will would be read
At least she knew her brother meant well, this people sound awful.

KerryMumbles · 17/05/2010 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

darcymum · 17/05/2010 14:17

What KerryMumbles said.

diddl · 17/05/2010 14:21

So the daughter is supposed to give up her job & move into their house & live on what?

BeenBeta · 17/05/2010 14:25

No. The daughter should not care for them. They should pay for the care themselves and so reduce the son's inheritance. If she does it, the son gains the financial benefit even though she is not well of herself.

bellissima · 17/05/2010 14:26

A good friend of mine has left her job in London and moved near her elderly and increasingly frail mother. Although I don't know the details (why should I) the gist of the arrangement seems to be that she (single) will inherit and her married (and affluent) brothers won't. That seems entirely fair and clearly there has been some open and upfront discussion about it all. Just a shame that doesn't happen in so many cases.

meatntattypie · 17/05/2010 14:39

this happened to me.
Cared for my grandmother for 7 years before she died.(for nothing) Went every day twice a day, washed her, cleaned her house, cooked for her, did her shopping. Plus worked full time, negotiating shifts around her care.

Grandmother has 4 living children, my mother & her brothers didnt even visit her....let alone do anything to help.

My auntie and i did all the care.

They all got thousands, i got nothing.
One of her sons, my uncle sponged off her for cigs and beer, she would give him £20 and £40 here and there.

Im not bitter, i adored my grandmother and cherished every day i spent with her. It was a privelige bieng related to her. I miss her every single day and i know she loved me.
They will get thiers one day, even if they have no conscience about it, i think that when thier time comes, they will know the injustice and how little they deserve to have had her as thier mother. Even to the end she was kind to them despite thier fuckwittery.

MadameCastafiore · 17/05/2010 14:45

Yes I would do it for the princly sum of £250 a day!

That should soon eat into the other kids inheritance!

thumbwitch · 17/05/2010 14:48

Actually MmeCastafiore has made a good point - if the DD in question has to give up her other jobs, and therefore has no income, it would be reasonable for her parents to pay her for their care (IF she really wanted to do it but was struggling with the practicalities of the situation).

Not sure how close £250/per day is to the going rate though...

MorrisZapp · 17/05/2010 14:55

The nice care home near me costs £1200 per week, I know becuase my sister works there.

That's what high quality, one to one care with home cooking and a nice room costs.

RudeEnglishLady · 17/05/2010 15:02

Absolutely no way should the lady have to forfeit her life and plans - thats just too old-fashioned

There is money available to pay for care. Anyway, the single lady might be married with a baby this time next year. Noone knows what the future might hold in that respect!

From personal experience - we (Mum and her sister and us cousins) cared for Gran when she had dementia and even she got fed up with it and asked to go into an assisted facility. It wasn't that we were mean to her! On the contrary, its just she felt better about herself when she could be 'Gran' with her family and not have us doing everything for her. Gran was a really easy person to care for anyway given that she didn't have a beligerent bone in her body and luckily her dementia didn't alter her personality significantly which I understand it can in some people. With her it was more about stopping her escaping from the house when she was confused and getting her to eat properly. I remember another relative who was also a real sweetheart turning really aggressive with dementia so I guess there is no way to predict.

So, if the parents really deteriorate it could end up with the money needing to be spent anyway and the single lady's career and personal life messed up for no good reason.

Awful and sad problem though - hope it gets resolved.

TheBride · 17/05/2010 15:02

No way! Either the one without dementia can change the will in favour of the daughter or they can use their precious money to pay for their own care.

Sexist wankers (even if they are old and infirm)

BouncingTurtle · 17/05/2010 15:09

No the daughter should not care for the parents, especially if she is holding down 2 jobs and is ill herself!

My uncle helped my nan with her will, he got her to will everything(only a few thousand) to my mum, because she was her primary carer, and my uncle, who also helped as well as he drives and my mum doesn't, thought she deserved it more - he didn't need the money as he is much better off than my mum. None of their 3 other siblings had any objection that they dared voice

I was very grateful to him, I adored my nan and still miss her like mad 13 years on but I know my mum had to put up with an awful lot of crap from her, and the money allowed my mum to pay off a couple of debts and get some new furniture.

swanandduck · 17/05/2010 15:19

Definitely the carer should get looked after in the will. Do you think the parents might have been unduly influenced by the son?

thumbwitch · 17/05/2010 15:22

time for the OP to come back and elaborate a bit more - or admit it's her - response please, OP!

MumNWLondon · 17/05/2010 15:27

Daughter should say no unless they either:

a) pay her the full going rate for care OR

b) change the will to be at least 50:50.

But if they have dementia then she will need to move in.

Similar situation in my family. Initially my grandma said she was leaving her flat/money 50:50 between my dad and my aunt. Then she said all being left to my aunt as she needed it more and she would care for her in her old age. My dad said he didn't mind as he had enough money and his sister was going to care for his mother whilst he was at work.

When the old age came my aunt couldn't face doing the caring. My dad was in anycase working full time (they both lived nearby) and so the balance of the caring fell on my mum (ie her daugther in law). My parents were very annoyed that my aunt was going to inherit it all.

But when she died it was discovered that actually she left it all 50:50!

lou031205 · 17/05/2010 16:14

I don't think money should come into it actually. Either the DD:

a) wants to and is able to care for them

b) wants to but is not able to care for them

c) does not want to care for them.

Whether they then leave money to her is entirely separate.

How awful to think that your assets when you die will affect the care you get when you are alive

thumbwitch · 17/05/2010 16:19

but you don't appear to think it's awful that these people will happily leave all their money to one child and nothing to the other?

Tortington · 17/05/2010 16:19

as has been said, i would do it if my costs were covered eg. wages, travel etc.

other than that i would leave it to the precious son to srt

diddl · 17/05/2010 16:20

"How awful to think that your assets when you die will affect the care you get when you are alive"

It doesn´t in this case though-the daughter gets nothing whatever she does!