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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think who does the caring inherits the money?

126 replies

Witchandbitch · 17/05/2010 12:56

Nutshell for the ladies of wisdom to crack - elderly parents, one with dementia, need looking after in own home.

Parents have made will leaving the lot to The Son, who lives the other end of Europe with his family. Daughter , who is single, no kids, two jobs, lives an hour away, has been pressured to take time out to care for the old couple.

The unusual will has been explained by parents as "didn't trust DD with money", which slightly takes aback DD, as she?s the only solvent and employed member of family.

The family won?t discuss it with her, altho? The Son has been party to all their plans.

Would you help the old couple? The daughter is not wildly well paid and in mediocre health, by the way.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 17/05/2010 22:40

It is something she needs to discuss with her brother-it is a joint problem and not hers alone. Insist that he comes down and have a family conference with the parent who doesn't have dementia. They need to work on a solution together. If they want to stay in their own home then the duaghter can't be the main carer, she can visit and help out but they need to have paid carers to come in on a regular basis when she is at work. Contact social services and Help the Aged and see what is available, but the brother must be equally involved-they are equally his parents-living a long way away is no excuse..

piscesmoon · 17/05/2010 22:42

Reading it properly I see that he lives in a different country-therefore he must visit as a matter of urgency, to have the family conference.

justsue · 17/05/2010 23:08

Hi all, sorry not read the whole thread but this is a situation that I am involved in at the moment. I have become my "fathers" sole carer. I am one of five siblings and even though i have been estranged from him for fifteen years since my mum died they now leave it down to me to care for him, dont get me wrong some days its crap and others it is so much better, I no longer hate him and to me he is a old man that is looking for help and companionship I give him both. Stupid thing is I have now become the favoured child lol. He is in the process of selling his house and constantly tells me that he will "help me out but not the others", although the next day he says he is going to see his brother in Austrailia!!!

My point is: If and when my dad sells his house I would expect him to help all of us out and not just me, and yes I will still continue to care for him cos thats me

QSnondomicile · 17/05/2010 23:13

So why are you posting if you are happy with the situation?

aokay · 17/05/2010 23:33

thought I had problems but this takes the biscuit - if this woman cares for parents she will lose her own salary, pension etc - also all her free time and possibly self-respect - don't do it. Obviously no point trying to please as parents don;t value her properly. Agree with other posters who suggested paid care. Parents do not have a right to demand this and have'nt valued daughter (as demonstrated by will) - loving parents would'nt ask. If it were me I'd keep an eye from a distance and try to make sure carers arrangements in place and working (and yes I know that is difficult in itself). Good luck and commiserations for having such ungenerous (I mean emotionally) parents.

scanty · 18/05/2010 00:00

my father is using his money (his God)as a bargaining tool. He thinks we will not let him go into a home as it would eat up my and my siblings 'inheritance'. He is not such a nice or easy man. Guess if one us was to take him in then we'd deserve the money.

People always say that money (especially wills/inheritances) brings oput the worst in people. I think this case in regard to the OP points out that there's a lot more to it than money.

pippop1 · 18/05/2010 00:29

The old adage:

Where there's a will, there's a relative.

MadamDeathstare · 18/05/2010 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Henny1995 · 18/05/2010 01:35

I can't see how they can have the nerve to write their DD out of their will, which effectively is like disowning her in my book, and then expect her to care for them and give up so much for herslef. How very hurtful! What appalling behaviour. You should treat your kids equally.
I'd be minded to say if that's how much you think of me then find your own care. It's not about money - it's about honouring your offspring equally. I would never do that to my kids.
I'm so sorry for the DD. I hope she works it out.

2rebecca · 18/05/2010 08:12

I love my dad and am in his will but still wouldn't give up my job to care for him. I'd rather use up his savings to pay for care. Would happily have him living here, buying bigger house if need be, but I think giving up your job if a good job and you have kids to care for an elderly relative is madness. Pay for help. I agree with expat. I've no desire for my kids to screw up their lives looking after me when I'm older and wouldn't want to be alive longer than necessary if I get alzheimers and would happily be put in a care home and my money pay for that when I can't manage alone.

2rebecca · 18/05/2010 08:13

It does seem like a troll thread though. Where has the OP gone?

LilRedWG · 18/05/2010 09:25

Money shouldn't even enter into it. at OP.

expatinscotland · 18/05/2010 09:34

how does money not enter into it when it involves a single person with no other income compromising her earnings and earning power, pension and health to do it?

ImSoNotTelling · 18/05/2010 10:17

In practice (given that caring for someone with this illness looks to be pretty much a ful time job) the daughter would probably have to go and live with them I think, and give up work.

From what I have read I don't see that this is a caring role that can be carried out in a part-time way.

Of course losing her job and home and security, to care for people who openly despise her, is absolutely the right and proper thing to do. When the parents do die (in possibly a couple of decades time) she will be skint and homeless, and unemployable in all but minimum wage roles, and getting on hersef, with no pension to fall back on. If she is caring round the clock 7 days a week it is unlikely that she will meet anyone herself or have any children (if they are things that she wants to do). A small price to pay to ease the burden of people who hate you.

Some of you are nuts TBH.

LilRedWG · 18/05/2010 10:18

Sorry expat, you are probably right. It was a knee-jerk reaction from me.

I still smart at anything moaning about parents since mine died.

I should have steered clear - I'm sorry.

ImSoNotTelling · 18/05/2010 10:19

Sorry lilred, unfortunate x-posts.

I am sorry about your parents.

LilRedWG · 18/05/2010 10:20

Not at all Imsonottelling - it's me who is out of order.

ImSoNotTelling · 18/05/2010 10:24

I think what some people are missing is that if there were no money, or it was all going to a charity, then it wouldn't be a problem.

It's writing one child out in favour of another that is so devastating. And that presumably the daughter won't be getting any of teh photo albums, the momentos. Mums usually leave wedding rings to their daughters - that sort of thing. Having nothing to show or pass onto your own children to remember the GPs and pass things down the generations.

Cutting someone out like this isn't just about cash. It's a very very extreme thing to do - as someone said earlier it's disowning the daughter, saying she is not a part of the family. But then expecting her to behave in a dutiful manner and probably mess her own life up in teh process. Loving parents would not behave in this way. These people see the daughter as not really human, I think. They sound horrible.

thumbwitch · 18/05/2010 10:32

I agree with ISNT

SolidGoldBrass · 18/05/2010 10:36

Yes, the message the parents are sending to this DD is 'YOu are less than human. You are not entitled to have any kind of life of your own, we will give you nothing but you must sacrifice your own life for our benefit (because, make no mistake, for her to give up her job and her home in order to be a carer is sacrificing her own life. Are they even going to pay for her food/clothing/tampons? If not, what is she supposed to live on?).'

I am not, generally, in favour of domestic care for people with Alzheimers anyway unless you do have a big tribal family who can and will split the hours between them. Professional carers get time off as well as pay, DDs (and for some reason its pretty much always the DD or the DIL who gets lumbered) who take in an alderly dement find themselves on call 24/7 in return for nothing, complete with health risks (some dements are big and heavy and a family member caring for them may not be as big and certainly isn't likely to be trained in safe lifting, so serious back injuries can occur - and some confused elderly people start fires by leaving the gas on etc.)

OldMacEIEIO · 18/05/2010 10:45

It's two seperate issues imo.
The parents can do what they like with their money, it's up to them. If I remember correctly, fairness did not come down the mountain on a tablet of stone with Moses.

The second issue, sacrificing your life in order to ease the passing of an elderly loved one. Well , thats a deeply personal decsion.
Why on earth would anyone ask a bunch of anonymous strangers on a forum something like that ??

aokay · 18/05/2010 15:22

correct me if I'm wrong, but I think in France parent's cannot disinherit children (illegitimate ones included), whatever circumstances - estate falls equally to all children - vive La France

expatinscotland · 18/05/2010 15:36

Spot on, ISNT.

JaneS · 18/05/2010 17:38

Sorry, I've skimmed the thread but I didn't take it all in. I'm guessing people have already said that any decent brother would agree to split the inheritance with his sister.

If it's relevant, my mum and I cared for my granny when she was dying (someone had to be with her 24/7 as she was very confused and frail). My mum made a huge fuss about exactly who deserved what after my gran died (and the will was pretty fair and straighforward). I know it was partly my mum's frustration/grief coming out, but I found it pretty upsetting to see. It wasn't worth the hassle to me (and it was mostly on my behalf she was arguing). I wish she'd stopped.

violethill · 18/05/2010 18:09

I think any decent parents would split the money equally between all children. It shouldn't all go to any one person, carer or non-carer. These situations are always so complex anyway - eg the child who does the caring may sometimes have had the benefit of living mortgage and rent free for years if they live in the parental home (though it seems that's not the case here). The children are likely to have differing circumstances, but I think any reasonable parent should treat them equitably. I can't imagine doing anything other than equal shares for my children - even if one ends up earning a lot more or a lot less than the others. Fortunes can fluctuate anyway - all you can do is be as fair as possible.

In the OPs situation, the brother must be pretty dire if he doesn't consider splitting the money.

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