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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be willing to leave behind my newborn for my friends 'no children' wedding.

432 replies

alannabanana · 15/05/2010 23:41

so this wedding is taking place in august by which time i will have a roughly 8wk old newborn. i already have a 17 month DS for whom childcare has been arranged, but i have always said that leaving the newbie will not be feasible as i will be breastfeeding (boobies willing!), and to be honest the venue is a bit of a drive and i would not be able to enjoy myself knowing i had left such a young dependent baby with someone else. (i should say at this juncture that the very kind friend in question who would be taking care of DS and the new baby has v little experience of babies but great with toddlers, and ordinarily i would only trust my mum with the baby but she, and indeed my ENTIRE family, will be on holiday at the time of the wedding.)
i stipulated all this months ago to our supposedly close friends - the bride and groom - especially the part about my family being away and DH's family not being an option because they live nowhere near us, and they seemed ok with us having to bring the newbie, but have just received a phone call tonight saying that actually no children means NO children, even tiny babies. now, DH is actually more upset about this than me as the groom is one of his oldest and closest friends - i am of the opinion that if they don't get that you can't just leave an 8wk old baby willy nilly then theres nothing i can do to convince them - but poor DH is actually quite hurt that his mate has effectively withdrawn our invitation to his wedding, and i think he's well within his rights to be hurt, and a bit cross. is this unreasonable you think? im hoping that this doesnt spell the end of our friendship with them but it is disappointing.

OP posts:
fireupthequattro · 17/05/2010 19:56

It's always going to be a touchy subject isn't it?

...what amazes me is yes it is your day, but the last wedding we attended cost us over £600 in attending v's a £35 a head chicken dinner? And yes it's special to you, but just watch that Four Weddings programme and they all start blurring into one....

People also get tetchy as they are spending money they can't really afford and expect everyone to tow the line like some mini dictatorship if not they get all bitter and twisted.

And before someone bites back - no I didn't marry in the community centre over sausage rolls and the conga. We spent our own cash on each other and took close people to Necker Island, so it was our day, just for us. Didn't even accept a single present.....

oh and Richard Branson allows kids there too btw

Nellykats · 17/05/2010 20:01

fireupthequattro, your wedding sounds lovely...

what's wromg with sausage rolls and the conga? yum

fireupthequattro · 17/05/2010 20:04

lol absolutely nothing, I went to a village hall wedding in the Shetlands and it was wonderful. Sit down lunch then Highland Dancing. Then they shut the bar at 9pm and served tea and sandwiches and scones (to sober everyone up) - reopened the bar an hour later and we partied till 2am.

It was like something from the Darling Buds of May

Nellykats · 17/05/2010 20:11

I feel like dancing along, sausage roll in hand!

mrsSmurf · 17/05/2010 20:12

I dont think they are excluding the baby. To exclude the baby other babies/children would be invited.

If it was the op's sisters wedding or something fair enough but you can't expect everyone to change their plans because someone has a young baby.

minxofmancunia · 17/05/2010 20:17

further down the thread i did mention we didn't mind babies under 1 year coming esp if bf just not mobile children or those that requierd a separate seat/meal. at the time 90% of our friends who came were childless. we had a 120 seat limit and we wanted to allocate them to friends and family.

people thought it cost a lot but it was relatively little compared to many weddings we just did a lot ourselves (made favours and all the stationary myself, auntie made the place names, Dad did the service as he's a vicar, friend who'd just finished photography degree did the photos at a discount, another mate was the dj etc etc.). we simply didn't have the cash to fork out a few hundred on places for children including goodie bags for them and an entertainer. Our wedding didnt start til 3 so by mealtime they would have been tired, fractious, bored irritable and irritating.

the few parents who did come thought it was great to have a legitimate opportunity for a break. they booked swanky hotels in the city centre and made a proper night of it. I've been to 1 wedding with my dc and found it extremely stressful. so much so that i would only ever take them to the day bit again and poss not even that. Sometimes it's nice to have a bit of time out.

minxofmancunia · 17/05/2010 20:20

and i would NEVER NEVER impose my dc on someone when they'd expressly stated that they weren't having children there. I thin that;s appallingly cheeky. If i was bf I just wouldn't go which happened last Nov. Dh went i stayed at home with the dcs, simple.

qwertpoiuy · 17/05/2010 20:20

Nellykats, I wish we had a "Thanks" function on mumsnet which we could click on to acknowledge your brilliant post!

Greensleeves · 17/05/2010 20:21

No, I wouldn't turn up with a baby if I knew we weren't welcome. I wouldn't go. And I would think significantly less of the childish tossers thereafter.

mrsSmurf · 17/05/2010 20:26

I don't think you can refer to people you don't know as tossers and then call THEM childish.

Greensleeves · 17/05/2010 20:27

I think you can

mrsSmurf · 17/05/2010 20:30

Yep you can if you don't mind looking like a very sad person who cant have a life away from their dc's and can't see why somebody would be able to enjoy a day without children running around.

Greensleeves · 17/05/2010 20:31

Gosh how rude, and you don't even know me

RedRedWine1980 · 17/05/2010 20:32

Jesus wept is this still rumbling on? Am I mistaken in thinking its a free country and people can invite and exclude whoever they want from their weddings or any other occassion? Its hardly the crime of the century and does not warrant the level of vitriol from some posters on here.

Greensleeves · 17/05/2010 20:32

last time I checked, 8wo babies didn't "run around"

Nellykats · 17/05/2010 20:32

qwertpoiuy
awww...you're very sweet...I'm sending you a mental sausage roll and a dance invitation!..

qwertpoiuy · 17/05/2010 20:34

Can i bring my dcs, Nellykats???

Nellykats · 17/05/2010 20:36

only if they are allowed sausage rolls, its MY DAY damn it

fireupthequattro · 17/05/2010 20:37

i really really want a sausage roll now

Greensleeves · 17/05/2010 20:38

Too right Nellykats, and be sure to hand out scripts on the door, so everyone knows exactly what they are meant to be doing

mrsSmurf · 17/05/2010 20:38

From your previous posts Im quite grateful that I don't know you and the difference is I have formed my judgement on what you have posted where you have judged the op friends on a choice they have made.

I know 8wk old babies can't run around but there are surely other peole upset because they can't take their dc's.

At the end of the day op doesn't have to go the wedding and I imagine that she will be in a lovely baby haze and won't care about not going anyway.

weegiemum · 17/05/2010 20:39

A chilodless-by-choice friend of mine had loads of kids at her wedding and she laid on Fruit Shoots.

Cos she had looked at MN to find out what kids liked and figured out anything that was as villified as FS had to be good fun for kids on a special day out!

Greensleeves · 17/05/2010 20:39

"From your previous posts Im quite grateful that I don't know you"

wow I wish I were as biting as you MrsSmurf

I think you must be confusing me with someone who gives a shit

qwertpoiuy · 17/05/2010 20:41

And can greensleeves come along bring her cello and do the tune (I'm humming it too!)

Greensleeves · 17/05/2010 20:42

I could bring my violin if you like

DH and I did once play my friend up the aisle with fiddle and mandolin, at her gorgeous open-air wedding, it was really special

we didn't play Greensleeves though!