to not be willing to leave behind my newborn for my friends 'no children' wedding.

[alannabanana]

so this wedding is taking place in august by which time i will have a roughly 8wk old newborn. i already have a 17 month DS for whom childcare has been arranged, but i have always said that leaving the newbie will not be feasible as i will be breastfeeding (boobies willing!), and to be honest the venue is a bit of a drive and i would not be able to enjoy myself knowing i had left such a young dependent baby with someone else. (i should say at this juncture that the very kind friend in question who would be taking care of DS and the new baby has v little experience of babies but great with toddlers, and ordinarily i would only trust my mum with the baby but she, and indeed my ENTIRE family, will be on holiday at the time of the wedding.)
i stipulated all this months ago to our supposedly close friends - the bride and groom - especially the part about my family being away and DH's family not being an option because they live nowhere near us, and they seemed ok with us having to bring the newbie, but have just received a phone call tonight saying that actually no children means NO children, even tiny babies. now, DH is actually more upset about this than me as the groom is one of his oldest and closest friends - i am of the opinion that if they don't get that you can't just leave an 8wk old baby willy nilly then theres nothing i can do to convince them - but poor DH is actually quite hurt that his mate has effectively withdrawn our invitation to his wedding, and i think he's well within his rights to be hurt, and a bit cross. is this unreasonable you think? im hoping that this doesnt spell the end of our friendship with them but it is disappointing.

and for what it's worth I think a wedding with kids & toddlers running around sounds just perfect!

Yep I agree they are probably clueless rather than mean. I would tell them your DH will go but that you can't be separated from your newborn at such a young age, esp as you're breastfeeding. I would say you would love to come but circumstances won't allow, and try not to be offended.

I had no real idea when I got married young about newborns and breastfeeding etc either. But if someone had come up to me and said they couldn't arrange childcare for my wedding or said they couldn't leave their newborn I hope I wouldn't have had a prob about them bringing kiddies/babies too.

Your DH going will extend an olive branch and show that you are supporting them on their big day.

at my wedding I asked for no children but it was too difficult for a lot of parents so i relented and arranged a room next door for the kids to have their own party during the wedding lunch. Two nursery staff were running it with about 10 children of various ages.
BUT the best man's wife would not put her 3 month old in there even though I gave her a table right by the connecting door and she was welcome to slip out as often as she liked. Apparently the baby had to either be attached to her body at all times or given to someone else at the table to hold whilst she ate. Now that is unreasonable...!

at reeva.... sounds reasonable to me to keep your 3 month old attached to you rather than in a room of 10 screaming kids and only 2 staff to look after the lot of them.

It wasn't 10 screaming kids. and the baby could sleep in his pram or travel cot. in normal every day life, you can't keep your baby attached to you all the time and 5 ft away is not considered an enormous distance

To be honest I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

They are not withdrawing their invite, couldn't your husband still go if it's one of his oldest friends?

I have 3 children and in fact the best man from our wedding gets married this summer and is not inviting any children and babies -so as he's one of DH's oldest friends he will go and I won't as childcare would be far too impossible and expensive.

I don't personally agree with having no children at weddings but I do agree with it being the couples day rather than your day and their right to choose who they do or don't invite.

If you invite a baby then some people with toddlers will get ratty. If you invite just small kids those with older kids might get ratty.

I've been to enough weddings where you couldn't hear a word the couple were saying because someone let their baby scream without taking them out of the venue. If they've spent months and copious amounts of £ on their big day, how are they to know that everyone with a baby will have the consideration to take it out if it starts screaming?

Yes it's a shame you can't go, but surely this day is about them ultimately and not you?

When my older dcs were 3yo and 18mo, we were invited to my BILs wedding and informed that no children were allowed (they said they wanted us to enjoy ourselves). We were furious at this, and were not going to go until my DPs agreed to mind dcs. DPs were both quite sick and undergoing tests at the time, they had an awful time as my dcs were very active. We couldn't relax at the wedding and meal, we left straight after. A few weeks later, both my DPs were diagnosed with terminal cancer and died a few months later. I still feel anger at this couple, and regret making the decision to go to their bloody wedding.

After that, we were invited to numerous weddings and just took dcs with us regardless - paid for their food ourselves. There was never any objections, each time the bride and groom knew my parents were dead. Now dcs are older and can be left with a babysitter.

I'm glad you reached the decision to not go to that wedding. It's NOT worth the hassle!

Thats terrible qwertpoiuy- but dont think its fair to lay a guilt trip on the people who decide on a child free wedding.

I don't lay a guilt trip on them RRW, just feel resentful. They have children of their own now, I hope they're a bit more understanding now.

Reeva, what was wrong with having the 3mo baby in the same room as you - was he/she taking the attention away from you?

I have children of my own now, but had a childfree wedding. Still doesnt mean I think any less of others who dont want my children at their wedding. If we can go great, if we cant make it its not big deal.

As lots of people have said, they probably just don't get it.

Send a lovely card explaining how sad you are that you can't go but that you're looking forward to seeing all the photographs. If you can, even send a little note or gift to the bride or groom (or both) on the actual day - will help make sure there is no ill-feeling from them.

Then raise above it and decide how you want to behave once they're back from their honeymoon!

A friend of mine was invited to a wedding of a good friend which would take place when her youngest dd was 8 weeks old. She had made arrangements for the older dcs to be minded but as baby would be BF she asked the bide if she could bring her. The bride's reply?..."You have 6 weeks to get her on a bottle, surely that's plenty of time?"

bride

I think its cluelessness, not malice. I'm ashamed to say I said no children or babies at my wedding and 2 guests decided not to come. I honestly had no idea - I thought you could leave a newborn for a few hours.

In my defence my wedding was at night in a posh London venue - very unchild-friendly, different to a day wedding with outdoor space. I'd do things differently now. Just remember most women get married before they have babies, so they genuinely dont know about babies' needs on their wedding day.

MintHumbug - not one person has said that they think children should go to a evening reception. I think it's the daytime bit that people have issues with.

I took my DC to the daytime bit then went home, did bedtime, got a sitter, and went back to the wedding.

If people want a child-free wedding, then that's their prerogative of course but if a lot of the intended guests have children, they have to accept that some of them may not be able to make it with good grace.

I think your guests slagging off others' children and wheedling to have an exception made for theirs sound insufferable. Are you still friends with them??

one of my treasured photos show NINE prams lined up outside the lunch venue. another wonderful moment was when a 3 year old said VERY loudly, 'can we go now? this man is boring!'(the vicar) , my 3yr niece sat on dhs lap and helped him with his vows 'say it now, uncle'

made everyone laugh, broke the ice between different side of the family, seems a sad affair to exclude people just because of their age!

'Can we go now this man is boring' is exactly why I don't think small kids shoudl be at weddings. All that fuss adults make about including their darlings in the proceedings when in fact most kids hate sitting still and listening to 'boring' adults etc. All they really want to do is run around, which they could do in a park without requiring a new outfit and somebody having to pay £30 for their dinner.

I was at a wedding and a small baby screamed blue murder throughout the readings and vows, it's parents just smiled proudly despite the evil looks.

People with tiny babies are all about their babies - as it should be - so can happily sit out the most boring or unchild friendly parts of a wedding.

Of course yanbu to not want to leave your baby. But it is their wedding!

I don't like all this 'weddings are for everyone' thing. A wedding is to celebrate YOUR marriage and while obviously you want all your guests to be happy you can't accomodate everyone.

I personally didn't want children at our wedding and the only exeptions were my nieces who went home with a babysitter before the evening reception.If your friends make an exception for your baby the that could cause problems for them with other friends.

I also think it's out of order the way people are slating the friends.

I'm pleased to say I no longer know anyone who would not take their child out of a ceremony if they were disrupting it - all my friends have the common decency to decamp outside if all shushing attempts fail.

Someone asked how those of us who had a child-free wedding dealt with bf'ing babies - I had a child-free wedding (specifically uncontrolled toddler/pre-schooler free) but had 2 friends who were bf'ing, who were of course able to bring their babies. One parent of said uncontrolled toddlers whinged mightily that "Other children were allowed there" - but these were babies, not children. Of these 2 friends who brought babies, one took their DD off to her Mum's for the evening bit and then came back; the other just left a little earlier (but they had quite a long journey back anyway). Our wedding was perforce a pretty long day - ceremony at 11:30, dinner at 2, evening bit started around 6:30 and ended at midnight. Small DC would have found it intolerable, I would have thought.

MintHumbug They sound like the sort of people who would have shouted at you about the uncovered pond if you had backed down too

Exhausting

i dont think they are being unreasonable as long as they understand why you wont be going and dont throw it at you for not going later on down the line, i wanted no children at my wedding i ended up giving in and had about 12 children there it was a disaster and the church service was a shambles, its their day, i am pregnant and we are invited to a wedding 6 weeks after due date that is no children, to be fair they actually said as baby is so young we could take our baby but i said no as i will have my mum looking after him, it isnt fair for them to change their day for me this is something they decided on b4 i even fell pregnant, and although i know i will miss my baby a lot its healthy to have a bit of down time and i will force myself to peel myself away from him, i hope you decide on whats right for you

Seems pretty simple to me. Just explain you won't be able leave your 8 week old as you are BF, and don't go.

I do think you should RSVP soon though - I think your suggestion of leaving it till later just to annoy them is mean and petty. There is nothing morally wrong about couples not wanting children - who sometimes do disrupt things - at their wedding.

Also, I do think your DH should still go - sounds like it's a really close friend of his and he'd be much more bothered about missing it than you would.

(In return maybe he can look after the DCs another time while you go out, maybe a few months down the line once DC2 is older.)