to not be willing to leave behind my newborn for my friends 'no children' wedding.

[alannabanana]

so this wedding is taking place in august by which time i will have a roughly 8wk old newborn. i already have a 17 month DS for whom childcare has been arranged, but i have always said that leaving the newbie will not be feasible as i will be breastfeeding (boobies willing!), and to be honest the venue is a bit of a drive and i would not be able to enjoy myself knowing i had left such a young dependent baby with someone else. (i should say at this juncture that the very kind friend in question who would be taking care of DS and the new baby has v little experience of babies but great with toddlers, and ordinarily i would only trust my mum with the baby but she, and indeed my ENTIRE family, will be on holiday at the time of the wedding.)
i stipulated all this months ago to our supposedly close friends - the bride and groom - especially the part about my family being away and DH's family not being an option because they live nowhere near us, and they seemed ok with us having to bring the newbie, but have just received a phone call tonight saying that actually no children means NO children, even tiny babies. now, DH is actually more upset about this than me as the groom is one of his oldest and closest friends - i am of the opinion that if they don't get that you can't just leave an 8wk old baby willy nilly then theres nothing i can do to convince them - but poor DH is actually quite hurt that his mate has effectively withdrawn our invitation to his wedding, and i think he's well within his rights to be hurt, and a bit cross. is this unreasonable you think? im hoping that this doesnt spell the end of our friendship with them but it is disappointing.

yeah i did read - no i don't think they are being intentionly mean or anything - i mean i dont think they have any clue that this rule of theirs means we can't come - because they have no kids (and tbh no desire for kids anytime soon!) they dont realise the difference between a 1 yr old and a 8 wk old. tonight its just raw as we just received the phone call, and we're dumbfounded about how naive they are, and disappointed that we don't get to go to such a happy occasion as a wedding.
but i will contact them and (with full use of the high road) say that we will have to decline - DH has already said that if im not going he's not going, which im not going to argue with seeing as i would have my hands full otherwise!

hmm, well personally it never occurred to me to not have children at my wedding. however, it IS possible to leave an 8 week old for a day, if YOU are happy to do it.

Practically, it is possible to arrange, although a bit of a faff, but it is v rude of them to change their minds & tell you like this.

I think the issue is not whether an 8 week old will expire if looked after by someone else for a day (they won't), but the fact that it should be your decision as parents, and what you are comfortable with.

I don't think I would go. Would be up to DH if he wanted to go without me.

I've declined quite a few invites to child-free weddings- not because I think how very dare they not want my precious offspring there (which I can understand, tbh- hell, half the time I don't want them there!!) but just because of the practicalities. Noone has been (to my knowledge) upset about us saying sorry, we can't make it. I don't even usually go into why.

It doesn't need to be a friendship breaker, although a bit mean of them to renage on the initial agreement.

bow out and be super gracious so they feel extra shitty.

thats a good point kickass - and i am not comfortable leaving my newborn, which is my prerogative as his mother. like i said, if it was with my mum i might feel differently, but she is away and anyone else i would just be worried all day long.

kickassangel - there is no way I could have left mine - wouldn't take a bottle at all. For some babies it is indeed not possible (unless you think leaving them screaming and upset all day is acceptable which I don't - either for them or the person caring for them)

DH and I didn't go to our very good friends' wedding when DD was a newborn and DS was a toddler not because the kids weren't invited but just cos it was a 4 hour drive away and we couldn't face it. They were totally understanding and whilst we were sad to miss their big day it hasn't affected our friendship at all.
Like others have said, I would decline graciously but try not to let it be a big deal - its only 1 day after all.

I can (kinda) understand the "no children" rule ( can double/treble cost of wedding/distracting/noise etc.... ) but not allowing a newborn? You are very definitely NBU... but to be fair they probably just don't understand. Try to sort something with them otherswise one day when they have their own kids they are going to be mortified about banning your baby - but it will be too late by then. I think they are probably just ignorant, rather than mean

You are NBU. This happened to me with a family wedding, for goodness' sake. We were the only members of the entire family not to go. I was very upset, especially as her sister had brought her newborn to our "no children" wedding. But they have no idea about feeding a newborn - who does these days? Breastfeeding is only just making some sort of a comeback. I like the suggestion of spending the money (travel, outfit etc!) on something really nice - like maybe a weekly massage for the next month or so. Going to weddings costs a bomb. DH could maybe go, but tough on you with 2 little ones to look after.

Honestly, if youve told them you're willing to leave the 20mo but can't leave the newborn then you are obviously NBU!

tell them to fuck themselves and dont go, vile people, your kids comes first, and dont get them a present either

YANBU. Can totally understand why you wouldn't want to leave your newborn with someone outside of your immediate family. Such a shame, but don't dwell on it, they have effectively taken the decision for you.

porca

Or go to the service and watch them get married (legally an open event) then go home. Tel them you will do that as you cannot leave the baby

save yourself the hassle and don't go to their wedding - simple as. your family comes first not theirs.

and maybe one day they can experience what you are going through when they have DC themselves.

"it IS possible to leave an 8 week old for a day, if YOU are happy to do it."

An 8 week old exclusively breast fed baby? How, precisely?

Another for Porca post. What I was thinking too.

Think whatever happens now, this will leave a sour taste in your DH's mouth. Good friends don't do this. End off.

Hehe, this is such a perennial.

OP, this is what happened to me

In precis, I have a six month old and was in the same situation, except I had already booked flights to New York for the wedding. The bride made my infant an increasingly divisive issue, and it all ended in tears. In retrospect, I should have put my foot down earlier and not accepted silly compromises.

(and a still incandescent DH continues

It seems increasingly clear that brides in the West are becoming no better than spoilt toddlers having a tantrum in a supermarket. This is not surprising, because this is the age when many brides seem to have started planning their weddings. The childish spoilt, solipsistic, selfish attitude floated with her in an intact "my perfect day" bubble, even as she otherwise matured and grew. It's not a surprise, then, that they don't want other babies at their wedding. One big baby in a meringue is enough.

Many decadent brides have forgotten that weddings are not solely the "WORSHIP THE BRIDE SHOW" but should be a communal celebration of the decision the couple have made; in a very important sense, the wedding is for the benefit of one's community, not simply a forum for a bride to act out the fantasies she had as a 3-year-old playing dress-up. It is "your day, hun", but if you take this to the extreme, one is missing the point entirely.

If one cannot appreciate that the wedding is primarily for your family and friends, and that your primary duty is to make them welcome and happy in celebration, then one should probably not bother having a wedding and go on holiday to some nice island instead and pay some actors there to worship one as a goddess for a day. It'd be cheaper, and the food'll probably be better.

A wedding is different from a marriage. A marriage is between you and your spouse. A wedding is between you and your social circles. It should celebrate optimism, society, commitment and the shared interests of all the generations. It affirms a hopeful future to be shared with your conjoined friends and family and their children. A wedding without a babble of babies is a sadder occasion, and if your bridezilla friend doesn't realise this, I suggest you accept your "de-invitation" and hope that your absence might act as a pin to prick her ghastly bubble.

If it doesn't, good riddance to her - at least until she's completed her tawdry fantasy and has become sane again.

PS: it's amazing that a bride will spend hours poring over the exact shade of the sugared almonds yet will not pause to consider the needs of a newborn and his/her mother.

All this child free people have no idea stuff is crap. Its on every wedding forum going...

"It's their day after all and their decision".

And that summarises well the self-centred utterly-missing-the-point idiocy of the average Western wedding.

If they decided to go to a desert island on their own then yes, it would be simply "their day" and "their decision". But if they decide to have a wedding, then, by definition, the happiness of their friends and family are the MOST IMPORTANT CONSIDERATION. That's what a wedding is for. The colour of the table decorations and the bride's misconceived toddler-preconceptions of her "lovely day" should be secondary to this.

Nobody forces people to have a wedding in the West any longer. If you do decide to have one, at least have a modicum of respect for your nearest and dearest and do not treat them as despised extras in your "worship the goddess" show.

It also shows how inter-generationally alienated WASP society has become. Try telling traditional Mediterranean and Asian cultures that "children are not welcome" and they'll look at you as if you've said "toes are not welcome".

Don't go, but just because you are not going is no reason for your DH to not to?

We spread the load all the time and manage to have a lot of fun.

AGREE trellism, their being child free is no excuse, none. to try and tell a mother she has to leave a NEWBORN is just beyong belief.

tell them you cant go and I would not want to be friends with people this selfish

I hope it rains and they get 12 vile chrystal decanters as gifts with no receipts

I don't let DH loose on Mumsnet very often. I cannot imagine the havoc he would wreak.