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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be willing to leave behind my newborn for my friends 'no children' wedding.

432 replies

alannabanana · 15/05/2010 23:41

so this wedding is taking place in august by which time i will have a roughly 8wk old newborn. i already have a 17 month DS for whom childcare has been arranged, but i have always said that leaving the newbie will not be feasible as i will be breastfeeding (boobies willing!), and to be honest the venue is a bit of a drive and i would not be able to enjoy myself knowing i had left such a young dependent baby with someone else. (i should say at this juncture that the very kind friend in question who would be taking care of DS and the new baby has v little experience of babies but great with toddlers, and ordinarily i would only trust my mum with the baby but she, and indeed my ENTIRE family, will be on holiday at the time of the wedding.)
i stipulated all this months ago to our supposedly close friends - the bride and groom - especially the part about my family being away and DH's family not being an option because they live nowhere near us, and they seemed ok with us having to bring the newbie, but have just received a phone call tonight saying that actually no children means NO children, even tiny babies. now, DH is actually more upset about this than me as the groom is one of his oldest and closest friends - i am of the opinion that if they don't get that you can't just leave an 8wk old baby willy nilly then theres nothing i can do to convince them - but poor DH is actually quite hurt that his mate has effectively withdrawn our invitation to his wedding, and i think he's well within his rights to be hurt, and a bit cross. is this unreasonable you think? im hoping that this doesnt spell the end of our friendship with them but it is disappointing.

OP posts:
MintHumbug · 17/05/2010 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

estya · 17/05/2010 09:34

I'm with the bride. It was politely no kids at my wedding and if any of the guests presumed that it didn't apply to them.
A few of my husbands had newborns and the wives stayed at home. Which was ideal, really because they really let their hair down for the night and hubby got to party with his mates like the old days.
We wanted an adult party. We didn't want our friends to go home at 9.30 because the kids were tired. We wanted to spend time, get drunk and do silly things with our friends and family. Kids don't belong in that kind of party.
Also I wanted to be the centre of attention for a day. Parents can't give you 100% of their attention when they have eye on cute little chloe etc.

pjmama · 17/05/2010 09:42

Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this point has already been made.

My wedding was just after our first unsuccessful cycle of IVF. I was emotionally not in a very good place at the time because of this and looked forward to our wedding as something else to focus on and feel good about. When some friends of ours had their baby a couple of weeks early, then of course she couldn't leave it behind and brought it along to the wedding.

But it DID ruin my day because I couldn't think about anything else. Of course it was irrational and emotional of me to feel this way, but I couldn't help it.

I'm sure there are plenty of thoughtless bridezillas out there who just don't understand that you can't leave a tiny baby behind. But in some cases perhaps it's not so simple and the bride is justified in wanting to have one day where she can be a bit selfish and put her own enjoyment first?

porcupine11 · 17/05/2010 09:44

even if the bride and groom are clueless about the age at which babies can be babysat, i've been to lots of weddings where parents seem clueless about needing to control their children during the ceremony, and let then cry or chatter throughout. that is very sad for the bride and groom. i took my toddler to a very formal wedding and was happy to leave the ceremony before it even started because i could see he was gearing up to be whiny & he wanted to go to his dad who was best man. people just don't want to hear crying babies as they say their vows, listen to readings and music etc & venues often make a charge for children too, which eats into the wedding budget and takes up seats at the meal

nappyaddict · 17/05/2010 09:54

estya Did any of the parents of newborns ask if they could bring them and you said no or was everyone happy with the arrangement?

troublewithtalk · 17/05/2010 10:08

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 17/05/2010 10:16

I'm amazed at the idea that people should just turn up with their DC when they have been specifically asked not to bring themm thereby causing huge stress to the hosts who will either have to have an unpleasant scene where they tell you firmly that you can't come in with the DC (and if you would do this sort of thing, you are a self-righteous tit who would then make a huge scene to ensure that you spoil their day), or have to spend the rest of the day dealing with other guests either going 'I thought you said this was a kids-free zone' because they don't like kids or going 'Bwaaah, we had to leave our little cherub at home but you let them bring theirs, snot fair, bwaaaaaaa!'. Do people who think this level of self-righteousness acceptable ever wonder why they don't actually have any friends or get invited out anywhere?

skippingturtle · 17/05/2010 10:17

This might be a tad controversial, but isn't this a case of us only ever really being able to see things from our own point of view? They don't want any kids at their wedding, and for you to be able to go you have to take your baby.

I don't really get why it's such a big deal. I wouldn't go, not as some kind of point-making exercise, but because it's not practical to attend an event that requires leaving the baby behind for a long period of time.

It's their event, surely they can invite who they like? I think it's less about people with no kids being 'clueless' or 'lacking in empathy', and more about their right to not want other people's kids around them. (That was the controversial bit!).

For what it's worth, I think nearly all wedding are horrific, and a lovely family day would be much nicer!!

reeva · 17/05/2010 10:30

It's your husband friend who is getting married? Well then he should go and you should stay at home and look after your baby.

It is not unreasonable to not want babies at your wedding, but it would be unreasonable to pressurise you into leaving your 8 week old baby for a day. No doubt the bride and groom would like you to be there, but you have a prior commitment, so its simple really... you stay and your husband go to his friend's wedding on his own.

skippingturtle · 17/05/2010 10:51

Minthumbug, just read your post about some parents ringing to ask whether their six year olds could come, EVEN THOUGH YOU'D SAID IT WAS A CHILD FREE WEDDING!!!!!!

Amazing. Did they offer to pay for their meals?

BarmyArmy · 17/05/2010 10:59

Speaking as someone that has been annoyed beyond belief at the inability of parents to control or care for their bored/irritable/hungry children, I, nevertheless, wouldn't dream of asking people to leave their children behind when I get married. Come one, come all, I say!

That said, if you can't be selfish on your wedding day, then when can you? They don't want children at their wedding - it's their wedding and they have every right to stipulate that. Shame but there we are.

MintHumbug · 17/05/2010 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tittybangbang · 17/05/2010 11:04

I banned old people from my wedding because they always expect to be treated specially, look horrible in the wedding photos and often complain about the food. Also, they tend to drag the atmosphere down later on in the evening because they dance badly and sit around yawning when everyone else is ready to party.

I thought - It's my big day, why shouldn't I do what I like?

rubyrubyruby · 17/05/2010 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

planner26 · 17/05/2010 11:09

At least you will save on a wedding present - I think the friend is being very cheeky!

MumNWLondon · 17/05/2010 11:13

The only way it would work would be to take the baby and a helper to the wedding. Helper sits in lobby or hotel room etc with baby in carrycot, calls you if baby wakes up needing feeding. DS2 is now 4.5 weeks and if I was invited to a wedding now I would not want to take him as often he will not settle in the evening and I would not want to be dealing with this at a wedding.

TBH I have done this even when babies/children are allowed as I would not enjoy a wedding with an awake baby.

If this is not realistic, (and it depends on there being somewhere suitable for baby and helper to sit) then no you can't go. Maybe your DH can go on his own esp if its his friend?

Only other option is to see nearer the time whether the baby will drink from a bottle and then you could leave him/her if you thought the babysitter was capable.

LadyBiscuit · 17/05/2010 11:18

Would anyone turn up with their DC if they had specifically been asked not to? That is bloody rude.

I am a bit mystified by the centre of attention thing. Seems very odd from a grown woman. Plus every wedding I've ever been to, the B&G never have enough time to talk to their guests for more than five minutes so I can't see how having a few kids there is going to impact on that.

thumbwhich - I don't think anyone has said that they think it's odd to exclude children on an evening only invite. I don't want kids there in the evening either.

And redredwine - sorry about calling you a control freak. I really did think you were someone else last night who is being vile to my sister who is very ill. Apologies - it was out of order

Lucy85 · 17/05/2010 11:19

Think you are right. I would not leave my newb for ANYTHING, clealy they have no idea what they are asking for.

Ultimately they will understand, when they have their own. Can your husband go on his own?

Lucy85 · 17/05/2010 11:23

oh - forgot something,
I went to a wedding once where there was a tiny little baby - only about 2 weeks old.

THe poor little thing looked at me at about midnight, having listened to loud thumping music all night while it's mother tried to pretend to enjoy herself and juggle everything (it showed what a tough time she was having) and I just thought, 'it's no place for you, baby. you need to be somewhere quiet.'

You are right - don't take your little baby, it's not appropriate. But that doesn't mean you have to go.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 17/05/2010 11:25

Personally, I can see why you wouldn't want toddlers and older running around at a wedding but an 8 week old?! - I wouldn't have a problem with that but I am a mum and if they aren't parents, they may not understand properly.

I think all you can do is have DH go to the daytme do only and then drive back after the main reception and miss the night time do. And make it very clear why you are doing this.
True friends would not make you choose like this, IMO.

Downdog · 17/05/2010 11:28

YANBU

RedRedWine1980 · 17/05/2010 11:29

Thanks LB- no worries.

mamatomany · 17/05/2010 11:29

Don't go, we left 5 week old DC2 to attend a friends wedding and were home by 6pm, we didn't enjoy it and the B&G were a pissed off we left early.
You can't win, I wouldn't even try.

RedRedWine1980 · 17/05/2010 11:31

FTR I think if the OP has shown she respects the no children request by having someone look after her other child its not a case of her not respecting the bride and grooms wishes, shame they cant comprimise as the OP has by getting a childminder for her other child.

Theres still time for her to come round though.

Sullwah · 17/05/2010 11:32

I left my 5 wk old twins with my mum (who lived near the wedding venue).

DH and I had a fab time. We were able to talk to old friends without distraction and generally relax.

Ok - my boobs were rock hard at the end of the day (was a lunch event - not dinner) but I am so glad we did it.

I hate going to functions with the DTs (now 2.3) - you spend the whole time concentrating on them and their needs. Its nice to be able to switch off and have adult conversations.

But of course - if OP does not want to. Then she does not need to go. Her DH can go instead.