to let my 16 month old wander round a quiet tea room...

[GumtreeGirl]

...rather than keep him in his pushchair or high chair when he's bored and fidgety?

Scenario today: a quiet NT tea room with a couple of friends with toddlers the same age. We'd sat round with snacks/ teas for 15 minutes or so, then DS having hoovered up all the snacks I'd brought started getting fidgety and asked (gestured - he's not talking yet) to get down.

The tea room was quiet - there were two other groups in there, one couple and another family group. DS wandered about, had an explore, didn't disturb anyone else either physically or noisily, then came back and started playing next to me with the toys that were supplied there. I kept an eye on him the whole time, and if he'd started disturbing anyone or making a noise I would have brought him back to our table.

One of my friends then let her son down, and he also wanted to explore but she then made a huge deal about not letting him - "I don't like him running around - he can run around at home, but not somewhere like here". My other friend then said "But he gets fed up in his pushchair, right?", to which the answer was "Yes, but tough, he has to learn he can't just wander around".

So I was left feeling v. uncomfortable and implicitly criticised for being a Bad Feckless Mother.

Personally, I (obviously!)feel that it's OK for a small toddler to wander around, supervised, if he's not disturbing anyone, and that at 16 months, 30 minutes of enforced sitting still is an eternity. I certainly would aim to start teaching him when he's a little older that he can't just get down and race around, particularly if others are disturbed, but right now his comprehension isn't there, and sitting still would mean he'd complain, noisily, which would be more disruptive to everyone else.

So, am I a Bad Feckless Mother, or OK to let him do this, for now? And what age did you start instilling the 'Sit nicely at the table' rule?

You are not a bad mother, we all have differences of opinion on how to raise our children but I have to say I'm with the not letting your child run around in a tea room crowd here. As someone whose children are now older I can empathise with your desire to let your child explore and with the difficulties inherent in keeping a 16 month old interested and quiet. But while small children can be sweet and cute they can also be something I have deliberately gone out to avoid in order to have some down time. But as a parent myself I find that if a small child comes near me and the parent is not physically with it (i.e. holding hands) and I am the nearest person to that child I am then I just can?t help but be alert to possible danger, I notice the hot tea, the table cloths to be pulled on, eye level cutlery etc - it takes away my relaxation. There are places where it is appropriate for small children to wander (and adults who go there should just put up with any noise and disruption) and places where it is probably not.

At Starbucks locally there is a sign up saying "please don't let your children run about as it upsets the other customers"

While I was in there a toddler was wandering about, went up to the cold drinks cabinet and got himself a lemon drink and took it back to his table.It's quite a big starbucks The mother was too busy chatting to notice, there is no way she could have stopped him if he ran into someone with hot drinks.

'Sorry I disagree that anyone should feel obliged to interact with a strange child when they are trying to enjoy a meal with their own family/friends'

Oh FGS, we're not talking a full-blown hour-long discussion here but how long does it take to smile and say hello? That's hardly going to impact into your insular little world is it?

What if an adult starting chatting to you? Or the waitress was chatting/being friendly while she was taking your order? Would you also ignore them or say I'm not talking to you because I'm busy trying to enjoy a meal with my OWN family/friends??

Maybe if you don't want to interact with anyone you should just stay at home...

Actually Dancergirl, if you'd read my post properly you'd see I did say I'd give a smile and say hello, but that's where I draw the line.

I've no objection to talking to the server and I usually do,but that's rather different from having to entertain a stranger's child.

Here I'll quote it for you.

'Sorry I disagree that anyone should feel obliged to interact with a strange child when they are trying to enjoy a meal with their own family/friends.'

'I think it's reasonable not to want to do so. People go to restaurants to enjoy a meal not to babysit.'

'I'd say hello to a child and give it a smile, but that's as much as I care to do.'

"FGS, we're not talking a full-blown hour-long discussion here"

I disagree - sometimes that is what happens. Or rather an entire dinner is spent with numerous interruptions from some "enchanting" PFB.

I honestly think that there are some people who ask us to make too many concessions for their small DCs. It's not just adults, either - the same attitude marginalises older dcs. The other week I witnessed the mother of a 3 yo dd have a go at a bewildered 11yo. 3 yo had been running up and down the skate ramp, 11 yo had accidentally bashed into them on said ramp. 11 yo had been skateboarding. On the skate ramp. Small dc shouldn't have bloody been there and her mother should have moved her to a more appropriate place rather than looking on, smiling beatifically.

i would say NO, i would not and have not let my children do this, purely for reasons of safety, hot drinks, food etc, it really is NOT fair on the staff, could you imagine how awful they would have felt had they accidentaly scolded your child with a hot drink!

i have no problems at all smiling or saying hello to young children, in fact i always do so, but then i am a child centred person, some people are not and that has to be respected also.

really a tea room is not a place to let your chid wander, if you want somewhere to sit and chat with your friends that your child CAN wander then go to a soft play area or a park!

btw i havent read the whole thread! but have skim read this page and i will agree with what akirazen said that when a child is wandering around, esp near me, even if it is NOT my own child i am automatically a bit more aware and notice any dangers etc and therefore not relaxed and would be so focused on my own kids if i had them with me.

there are places where it is ok to let kids wander and others where it is not, both for their safety and others enjoyment.

Bruffin Toddlers are very annoying in Drs' surgery.

Mum sits and reads a book. Toddler throws all the toys at everyone. Then they climb on the chairs and pull at the blinds.

They then proceed to walk around reception counter and ty to unplug things.

Mum is still engrossed in her book.

Elderly quite ill patients get up and walk outside to get away from toddler.

Mum still reading her book.

I wouldn't have let a toddler do that in a Dr's surgery or anywhere Angels. I would let them go over and get a book or a toy to play with and I wouldn't have been there sitting reading a book and ignoring them either.

You can't win, because there was once a thread on another forum, where a woman (who had children incidently) was complaining because another mum in the waiting room was reading to her child too loudly

I do appreciate that it must be difficult for those without friends or family nearby, by I really didn't appreciate the attentions of toddlers whilst I waited (for hours, on three occasions) to have my MC confirmed.

I guess for some people it might have been a positive thing - a little ray of sunshine or whatever. Whereas I wanted to be left alone. Had they been anyone else I might have told them to fuck off and fallen into a sobbing heap, but you can't really do that to under-3s.

So I agree, dcs ought to be kept occupied by their parents in medical waiting rooms.

Agree with otter, and bruffin I would of complained if I was ill in waiting room and a mum couldn't tell a story in a hushed tone. Especially if I was there due to a headache, or anything really that was making me feel rough. Hence necessitating visit to surgery.

Actually I didn't agree with that poster. I was trying to make the point that even mums who make an effort get moaned at.

In your instance with a quiet tea room during the week if it was big enough i would have let my DD (2.5) wander around. I think it's nice for them to trot around a bit, and people smile. If anyone looked pissed off I'd leave and go for a walk. She is pretty nice too, doesn't interfere with other people, would just go and rifle through the leaflets. I'm not very keen to see crawlers roaming about at large, but that's mostly because of the dirt. i don't think you wbu. I think trying make toddlers sit still for too long can sometimes cause problems/frustration/tantrums/mother being housebound.