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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my 16 month old wander round a quiet tea room...

165 replies

GumtreeGirl · 12/05/2010 19:43

...rather than keep him in his pushchair or high chair when he's bored and fidgety?

Scenario today: a quiet NT tea room with a couple of friends with toddlers the same age. We'd sat round with snacks/ teas for 15 minutes or so, then DS having hoovered up all the snacks I'd brought started getting fidgety and asked (gestured - he's not talking yet) to get down.

The tea room was quiet - there were two other groups in there, one couple and another family group. DS wandered about, had an explore, didn't disturb anyone else either physically or noisily, then came back and started playing next to me with the toys that were supplied there. I kept an eye on him the whole time, and if he'd started disturbing anyone or making a noise I would have brought him back to our table.

One of my friends then let her son down, and he also wanted to explore but she then made a huge deal about not letting him - "I don't like him running around - he can run around at home, but not somewhere like here". My other friend then said "But he gets fed up in his pushchair, right?", to which the answer was "Yes, but tough, he has to learn he can't just wander around".

So I was left feeling v. uncomfortable and implicitly criticised for being a Bad Feckless Mother.

Personally, I (obviously!)feel that it's OK for a small toddler to wander around, supervised, if he's not disturbing anyone, and that at 16 months, 30 minutes of enforced sitting still is an eternity. I certainly would aim to start teaching him when he's a little older that he can't just get down and race around, particularly if others are disturbed, but right now his comprehension isn't there, and sitting still would mean he'd complain, noisily, which would be more disruptive to everyone else.

So, am I a Bad Feckless Mother, or OK to let him do this, for now? And what age did you start instilling the 'Sit nicely at the table' rule?

OP posts:
withorwithoutyou · 12/05/2010 20:07

It's hardly the end of the world.

DD always has a walk round while we wait for our food in a pub/cafe.

She has legs, she wants to use them, she's curious about new places she wants to have a look around. ALl perfectly normal and healthy IMO.

She doesn't wander around on her own though - DH and I take it in turns to taker her around so she doesn't bump into anyone or end up in any danger. We tend to go to one of two family pubs with big open areas so that she has plenty of space and isn't in anybody's way.

cupcakesandbunting · 12/05/2010 20:07

It depends on the child. Your friend's child is probably a boisterous little turd and creates havoc when allowed to wander freely. Your child wandered and behaved so fine, IMO. You can't have black and white rules for these things. I have friends who wouldn't dream of taking their LOs for a meal after 6pm because they would play up. I take mine out up until 7pm because he is well-behaved. And I'm not being smug about my parenting; it's luck. I'm as sloppy as shite but luckily DS is an angel

mathanxiety · 12/05/2010 20:08

I've always made DCs sit in restaurants or cafes and hurried up and left if they were getting really miserable. Start as you mean to continue, etc. They all got the hang of it and making a big fuss didn't become an issue.

I don't think your friend was very polite and I think she may have resented you letting your DC down to wander around when she wasn't prepared to let her own DC do the same. As your DCs get older they will start noticing what the others are doing and if you turn out to be the very lenient/ easygoing mummy and they are not, you'll not be very popular.

thatsnotmymonkey · 12/05/2010 20:09

booyoo, I would hardly call it damage! I let him wander and explore, and I am pretty near by, not sat at my table. And when I say "bother" I don't mean something serious. For example, if he gets too close to someone's table and wont let me guide him away, and either be sat down or play on the floor at my feet, then I know we need to make a move.

I am a pretty relaxed parent, but manners are important.

booyhoo · 12/05/2010 20:16

well that is a different story to the one your post implied.

thatsnotmymonkey · 12/05/2010 20:21

I guess. I think most people are the same page.

aSilverLining · 12/05/2010 20:38

My DS has always been taught that cafes/restaurants are places we sit nicely to eat and drink and are not for wandering around / exploring.

When he was too young to understand this he would be in his pushchair or highchair with book/little toy/snack/drink. When he was restless we would leave.

The main reason I would not let my DS have wandered around a tea room would be the risk (however small) of being scalded by someone's tea or coffee. But then I have a huge skin graft from a burn so I appreciate I have personal motives for this. Hot drinks can still cause damage up to 20 mins after being made (I think I have that right).

sleepingsowell · 12/05/2010 20:41

withorwithout you has it right imo; yes, they are curious and want to explore, so you make the time to take them because not everyone welcomes children wandering, plus it is a very real worry about them getting underfoot with staff carrying hot food and drinks etc.

I think it is lazy to just let them wander tbh just so you can chat at your leisure. When you have kids you just can't take your time like you used to, you have to adapt and accept that their timescale for sitting in these places is very short.

Cafes and restaurants are just not the place for very young kids to explore on their own imo.

mathanxiety · 12/05/2010 20:42

Too true about the scalding danger, SL. Servers are sometimes unable to see small children underfoot as they are carrying trays or several plates on one arm.

MyFriendGouda · 12/05/2010 20:45

Yabu, this is a particular bugbear of mine, places which sell hot food/drinks are not for wandering, they are dangerous, if the child won't sit then leave, its not an issue.

Try to imagine how you'd respond to the question AIBU to sue the waitress who spilt hot tea over my child scarring him for life....

deedee321 · 12/05/2010 20:47

Oooh, surprised at some of the answers, I feel as uncomfortable as GumtreeGirl must be feeling, as I would def allow my toddler to toddle. Do see your points, am not at all saying others are wrong...just thinking, oh no have people been looking on in horror at us up till now??

EmilyStrange · 12/05/2010 20:47

I don't think you ahould make kids that young sit around and wait for your coffee morning to end. Personally I think your friend is unreasonable. Although if they are happy just sitting there then great, you're in luck. But frankly most toddlers want to move and I see no reason why your little one couldn't wander around as you described. God I must be hated by mumsnetters when I am out because I let mine do that too.

I also think your friend was being rude stating that after you let your one explore. People are way too judgmental. Ignore them and do what you feel best.

paisleyleaf · 12/05/2010 20:54

They supplied toys? Well then I think it sounds as though he was fine.
Some places you have to stay sat at the table, some places you don't.

sleepingsowell · 12/05/2010 20:57

Yes most toddlers want to move, which is as I say where it is best for everyone (IMHO) if a parent takes the child round. Toddlers DO annoy other diners, I have had some stand and stare at us at REALLY close quarters - I'll try and jolly them along with a smile or a hello and usually you get a stony 'midwitch cuckoo' look in return, it's hardly an addition to my outing Even worse when they, as they so often do, have snot running down their noses. One toddler stood staring like that and gently licking the end of their snot candle as they looked at me !!! oh god, I went right off my coffee!

SloanyPony · 12/05/2010 21:00

Use your discretion, you are an intelligent woman, let your friends do what suits them.

Your child will "learn" to sit in a chair and stay put when he is ready. Whether or not he's been made to before will have only some impact on when that is. Its the passing of time that makes it possible. If you've been made to, you may or may not reach that milestone early.

I'd rather have a toddler toddling about than hearing a child whinge because they have been incarcerated in their pushchair. Its all disruptive, in its own way, but one is less stress inducing to others than the other, in my opinion. (Having a little clammy hand land on my knee is much nicer than having a screech impregnate my eardrum).

Each to their own, a bit, I guess. Time and a place. I do feel weekday mornings and afternoons a more tolerante, child friendly air decends upon most tea room and coffee type places - mums like us keep them afloat.

stleger · 12/05/2010 21:01

My dd1 (who is 16) has second degree burns on her leg, caused by tea last year.

SloanyPony · 12/05/2010 21:01

Tolerant, even

sleepingsowell · 12/05/2010 21:02

but sloany it's not a case of either a toddler wanders, OR they whinge because they're stuck in the pushchair - the thing is, don't make them sit in the pushchair in a boring cafe, accept that it's not appropriate, and move on to somewhere where they can safely and appropriately explore. OR, wander round with them for a bit.

KickButtowski · 12/05/2010 21:04

I find it odd that so many are supporting letting kids wander around because it is unfair to make them sit still while mummy has a gossip - isn't that missing the point a bit? Surely mummy needs to accept that now she has a child she can't just sit and have a gossip because she has a bundle of energy to deal with instead.

I never understand mothers who think they can just carry on and do what they used to do and make their children fall in line with that. Face it, your days sitting around in cafes etc may be over, at least temporarily.

GOODASGOLD · 12/05/2010 21:13

I suppose it's different for all of us. I love it when little toddlers come up to me. I think they are all very sweet.
I don't like it when their parents are making a fuss and shouting at them.
I think that by letting your children explore or by keeping them near you, as long as you don't have to bollock your babies you are doing the right thing by me.

Easily pleased.

SloanyPony · 12/05/2010 21:15

Agree with the last 2 posters, generally I just dont bother anymore. My son was so boisterous that I stopped going anywhere much, and when he started getting bored with being indoors or the park, I started him at nursery one day a week. There was just nowhere else we could GO and he was getting bored.

My daughter is a bit "easier"...

Laquitar · 12/05/2010 21:35

Have you worked in a restaurant or cafe? Honestly this is pethate for waiters. I understand you said the cafe was quite but the staff still have to run around cleaning tables etc.
Although is not as if you have commited the crime of the century.

narmada · 12/05/2010 21:37

I think it is OK to let toddlers down, as long as they are supervised, and as long as they are not in danger and not inconveniencing anyone. Toddling is what toddlers do. It is how they learn and if people get annoyed then that frankly is their problem, as a PP said. I did once see someone allowing their children to use a micro scooter inside a branch of Gourmet Burger Kitchen and that made me truly though.

While I recognise that life does not go on as before after you've had kids, I do think it is important not to give up everything the kids don't immediately 'fit into'. I am a mother, not a martyr.

I think it is important for children to see their parents socialising and for that reason I take my daughter to cafes and restaurants even if it is a little more challenging than before. But I wouldn't do it if I thought my DD was truly being disruptive or getting on people's nerves.

I think there is a degree of the 'seen and not heard' mentality still persisting in the UK. This is not so much a problem in other countries I have lived in.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/05/2010 21:38

Waits for the
"people should keep hot drinks out of my DC's reach"
thread

notcitrus · 12/05/2010 21:42

Depends if he's just toddling next to your table, or round a part of the cafe well away from waiters and people moving with hot tea, or if he's walking in the area where people are getting food and/or disturbing othe people.

FWIW I let my now-20 month old wander a fair bit in the local pub while we have Sunday lunch, the local cafe/restaurant I always hover a few feet away to ensure he doesn't poke people or get behind the bar, some crowded cafes he stays put and if he fusses then it's time to go.