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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my 16 month old wander round a quiet tea room...

165 replies

GumtreeGirl · 12/05/2010 19:43

...rather than keep him in his pushchair or high chair when he's bored and fidgety?

Scenario today: a quiet NT tea room with a couple of friends with toddlers the same age. We'd sat round with snacks/ teas for 15 minutes or so, then DS having hoovered up all the snacks I'd brought started getting fidgety and asked (gestured - he's not talking yet) to get down.

The tea room was quiet - there were two other groups in there, one couple and another family group. DS wandered about, had an explore, didn't disturb anyone else either physically or noisily, then came back and started playing next to me with the toys that were supplied there. I kept an eye on him the whole time, and if he'd started disturbing anyone or making a noise I would have brought him back to our table.

One of my friends then let her son down, and he also wanted to explore but she then made a huge deal about not letting him - "I don't like him running around - he can run around at home, but not somewhere like here". My other friend then said "But he gets fed up in his pushchair, right?", to which the answer was "Yes, but tough, he has to learn he can't just wander around".

So I was left feeling v. uncomfortable and implicitly criticised for being a Bad Feckless Mother.

Personally, I (obviously!)feel that it's OK for a small toddler to wander around, supervised, if he's not disturbing anyone, and that at 16 months, 30 minutes of enforced sitting still is an eternity. I certainly would aim to start teaching him when he's a little older that he can't just get down and race around, particularly if others are disturbed, but right now his comprehension isn't there, and sitting still would mean he'd complain, noisily, which would be more disruptive to everyone else.

So, am I a Bad Feckless Mother, or OK to let him do this, for now? And what age did you start instilling the 'Sit nicely at the table' rule?

OP posts:
Vallhala · 12/05/2010 21:56

I adopted the same view as your friend when my two were little and wouldn't have let them wander around. I don't see it as an implied criticism though. What should she do? Change her opinions on the matter to appease the company she was in?

Neither choice was any more right than the other. In one case a child could have arguably been a nuisance to others or caused a accident. In the other, arguably a child could have been bored/stroppy and some might say that's unkind. You both did what you thought was appropriate for your own children. Nothing unreasonable about that AFAICS.

elvislives · 12/05/2010 21:56

As a former waitress (for many years) one of my real pet hates was small children wandering around while their parents ignore them. I've worked in places where parents have had a go at staff who've knocked over small children because they didn't see them, or because the child was standing in front of the exit door from the kitchen, which generally opens outwards.

For that reason I didn't let any of mine wander about in cafes, and really don't like it when other people do it. Also as a fellow customer I really don't want to be approached/ hassled by someone else's children.

Quattrocento · 12/05/2010 22:01

YAB a Bad Feckless Mother

Never too early to start with sit nicely at the table. Helps if you entertain them though ...

Laquitar · 12/05/2010 22:03

narmada, OP didn't ask if she should take ds to restaurant. I agree with you that it is nice to take them to restaurants and cafes.
But re the other countries comment, have you been in their A and E? Full of children. My family run restaurants in Med and i can tell you toddlers running free and waiters trying to balance plates and hot drinks is not a good combination.

Fluffyone · 12/05/2010 22:09

OK to let toddler wander around, not OK to let them do it alone. Apart from the obvious inconvenience to the staff and the possible danger to your child, think about the other people. You don't know why they are sitting at their table, what they are talking about, why they are there.
As for your friend, you just have different ways of doing things. I don't think you should take what she said as an implied criticism really.

narmada · 12/05/2010 22:20

laquitar agreed, toddlers running free in restaurants and cafes is not a good idea. Not what I am advocating! They should be supervised and/ or accompanied.

I was thinking of scandinavian countries and australia - not much experience of living in med countries.. Appreciate you speak from family experience, though!

Laquitar · 12/05/2010 22:25

and i've no idea about australia. I wish...

Original poster
GumtreeGirl · 12/05/2010 22:25

Golly, erm, wasn't expecting this number of responses! Or the strength of feeling, tbh!

Interesting to see the povs, and I do take the point totally about the dangers of scalding - for what it's worth, I don't ignore him, and I don't let him wander out of my sight, or further than a few feet away without getting up and going with him. And that includes keeping him out of the way of staff as well as other patrons.

So yes, my days of uninterrupted conversations with friends are over, but then I've accepted this for some time.

And no, I wouldn't let him do this in a resturant unless we were the only ones in there - but then I do see a big difference between a very quiet cafe 20 minutes before closing and a more formal dining experience.

Cheers for the all the replies though, it's been useful

OP posts:
narmada · 12/05/2010 22:30

laquitar ach, don't lust after Australia. It's so far away from the rest of the world (if you have a totally eurocentric approach to geography like I discovered I did) Pah!

piscesmoon · 12/05/2010 22:36

I would just tend to be consistent and not let them get down. You can't let them go if it is busy, or if there are tablecloths to pull etc but a 16 month old doesn't understand that. Entertain them in their seat and cut time down to the minimum.

GOODASGOLD · 12/05/2010 22:38

Poor Gumtrees.

FWIW I have always let my dc learn by my example...however long it takes. My dc1 has been as good as company as an adult since the age of 3. They copy you. If you sit and have a nice chat with your friends, this is what your children will copy. Some people like to teach children, others like to model for children. Children will always copy you, might as well behave in the way that you want them to, it makes your life easier.

I would let a 16mth have a toddle. Its what they do.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 12/05/2010 22:39

Gumtree

sounds to me that your friends and some of the other reactions here are a little 'prissy' and rather point scoring.
You had a close eye on your child, it wasn't crowded and it was a NT cafe not The Ritz!

I'm well out of that phase now but actually like it when a littl' un siddles up for a look see.My DC love it too and we usually end up providing free childcare

When they were little tho' a group of us always used to take a flask and mini picnic so the children could wander and we could save ££s avoiding the cafe.

MollieO · 12/05/2010 22:45

I wouldn't. Not so much about bothering other people but more of a safety issue. If you are carrying a tray with hot drinks you may not see a child the size of the average 16 mth standing in your way.

Ds wasn't walking at that age but when he did start he would either stay in his puschair or if he didn't want to that was my cue to leave (many half drunk cups of tea and half eaten cake left in our local NT tea room!). However he is now nearly 6 and as a result of perservering with going out and about has beautiful table mannners .

Skegness · 12/05/2010 22:45

Agree with paisleyleaf: a place that supplies toys is generally ok with wandering children. A toy supply invites wandering, pretty much. All these things depend on context.

thesecondcoming · 12/05/2010 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cat64 · 12/05/2010 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

withorwithoutyou · 13/05/2010 13:09

What's am NT cafe?

StealthPolarBear · 13/05/2010 13:12

national trust
op i agree with you

biddysmama · 13/05/2010 13:14

i'd let 14 months old dd, she would have happily wandered round chattering to old ladies showing them her new "pitty" baptism bracelet..

Salbysea · 13/05/2010 13:16

I'm with your friend. I might let him wander around if I go with him, but I don't like when parents let their kids roam around places with hot drinks etc while they sit drinking their coffee.

If there was a toy area, and my kid got bored, I'd have got down on the floor with him and tried to entertain him in the toy area

You THINK he wasn't disturbing anyone because he wasn't making noise or pulling at them, but it is disturbing because personally if a small kid like that is wandering freely I cannot help but keep an eye for hazards and so I cant relax

Salbysea · 13/05/2010 13:19

and I don't agree that a toy area = wandering welcome

I think a toy area = look we've provided a place for them so you DON'T let them wander bored under our feet

If my LO is finished his meal and 'over' being in his high chair that means my coffee snack time is over too - if he absolutely must toddle around, go with him!

colditz · 13/05/2010 13:20

from experience with some of my friends, one person's "being cute and playing nicely" is another persons "Disrupting other people's food, making a noise and dropping toast everywhere, pisisng the staff off"

Just don't. When your kid kicks off, you leave, pronto. Don't inflict him on the general public.

YoMoJo · 13/05/2010 13:27

I have done similar but never somewhere where they serve hot drinks. Only because my cousin was scalded quite badly as a toddler when a waitress managed to pour a whole cup of coffee over her, whilst she sat in her pram.

We (my family) all have a thing now about hot drinks around children.

MillyR · 13/05/2010 13:31

The NT provides lots of children's activities. There are lots of places in NT buildings and grounds/landscapes for kids to do activities and play. It seems a bit odd to wander around the tea room instead.

If a toddler will not sit still in a tea room, the easiest way of avoiding scalding is surely for the adult to walk around with them, holding their hand?

InmyheadIminParis · 13/05/2010 13:35

OP I completely agree with you. You judged the situation (not too busy, not too formal) and allowed your DC to be a 'grown up' and take a look around / explore a bit, calmly and quietly.

I can't believe some of the responses to this post. Some of my best memories as a child were being given this sort of free reign, allowed to wander around a bit, often falling into conversation after exchanging smiles with little old ladies or couples.

Colditz - her child wasn't kicking off. They just wanted to get down and explore a new part of their world a bit. What could possibly be the harm in that? If it had been busier, or if the cafe had been more formal (it had toys for children out, after all!) then the OP wouldn't have done it. If the child had started to make a nuisance or be too noisy, I'm sure the OP would have made the decision to distract or leave.

The idea of 'inflicting' your child on the general public? What a strange way to look at children.