My DH pays his parents mortgage while we dont have enough for food

[thisiswhereidrawtheline]

Years before we were married, my DH bought a house, in which his parents and siblings moved in. My DH was the sole payer of the mortgage although his brothers had full time jobs and avergae pay each.

About a year before we married, DH did the house up completely. He did a double extension and spent £60,000 in total on the house. He did this believing that he would live in that house forever, with his wife and his parents. We were in a relationship then although not engaged to be married when he made these choices. He just assumed that I would be OK with this lifestyle when he made such a huge financial committment to this house.

When we married, I moved in there with them, but things did not work out between me and his mother. We had constant ups and down, and finally, we moved out.

It has been a year since the move, yet my DH still pays the mortgage and all the bills are direct debits from his bank account still. His two brothers now help towards the mortgage - although I dont know how regular that is because he is very hush hush about the whole thing. Every time I try to bring up the issue, he gets very defensive and we always end up fighting. We have had many many bitter fights over this in the past year.

We are now at a point where I there is hardly any money for food in our house due to his financial contributions to the other house. It is obvious that with this situation, we have no money whatsoever for going out for a meal, movie or shopping, eveni n the cheapest of stores. So we dont, adn we spend most of our spare time either at his parents house or mine.

I dont work because I have a DD who I look after at home.

I am at breaking point now, as I am so sick and tired of being skint. The worst part of all this is however, not even that.

Its that feeling of worthlessness; because me and my DD must be of less value and worth if he has put all of his extended family before us, and has carried on doing so regardless of the financial crisis that we are in.

I dont get the problem. your husband has a property that he owns and pays for. this is therefore also your propert as you are married and by extention your childs inheritence. HE has a commitment to pay for this property plus any commitment he has made to his family. This is more imoportant than law in some cultures. you married him knowing this. you couldnt not have known. be honest! now yo9ur finances are not stretching to afford the life style youd like as well as this prior financial commitment. so you have two options, increase earnings - YOU GET A JOB or lower financila out lay - YOU SELL THE HOUSE - simple really, whats the problem. you are jointly responsible for the finances so you really need to stop seeing workind as being below you to be honest.

OP if your DH is the sole owner of the property, HE and he alone is liable for the mortgage. If he chooses to let his family live in that house, but wants a contribution from them, this should be in the form of RENT subject to a written tenancy agreement. As other posters have pointed out, unless he wants to give away a portion of the value of the house, nobody else should be 'chipping in' for the mortgage. He also seems to be paying their bills which strikes me as odd, particularly for the brothers who still work.

I would suggest that perhaps you need to find out what the going market rent is for the house (the amount of the mortgage payment is totally irrelevant). Then add to this the monthly cost of the bills. This gives the total figure for rent plus bills that your DH could be charging his family.

Now, you say he comes from a culture where children look after their parents in their old age (I am assuming the parents no longer work). If there are three siblings, how about the cost of 'keeping' the parents is split equally between them? I am not suggesting that your DH pays 1/3 of the rent and bills though, because the 2 brothers are also living in the house. Logically, I would divide the total rent and bills by 4 - this is the household expenses figure per person. The brothers should then pay their own share plus 1/3 of each parents share. Your DH should pay 1/3 of each parents share. That way would be totally fair and sensible IMO, and provided it was all covered by written rental agreements would mean that your DH's capital investment in the house would be safe.

For example:

Market rate of rent £1000pm
Bills £1000 pm (just to keep it simple!)
Total cost £2000pm
Total cost per person £500pm
Parents share £1000 divided by 3 = £333.33 each
Brother 1 pays £500+333 = £833pm
Brother 2 pays £500+333 = £833pm
DH pays £334pm (rounded up)

Thus covering the total cost of £2000pm and presumably reducing your DH's expenditure considerably. Simples!

It really sounds like he needs to draw up a fromal tenents contract even if the rent is small in comparision to the mortgage. He should also let the household pay their own bills.

Terrible typo's baby on lap - sorry

frogerty, surely only a good deal if they are paying similar to going rate? (with family discount!)

If my tenants only paid half what I pay mortgage, they would be laughing as it would be approx 30% of going rate in the area.

Im still confused at your concerns. Your dh is benefiting from owning a house where 'rent' is paid (presumably tax free!) to pay half the mortgage. That is better than a lot of landlords who pay tax on the rents they receive!!!

You need to get a job and contribute to support your family too. At least your dh is setting you up for the future with a house to sell etc.

I do understand you may want to live for today and sell the house to benefit now, but you admit your dh comes from a culture that supports parents and you must have known that.

It is not as bad as I think you first made out.

I get the impression that you are exaggerating somewhat here, presumerably you can feed your dd atm, or you wouldnt be ruling out you working?

You are upset that the lifestyle you have is not up to what you counld afford if you werent paying a mortgage repayment and rent every month?

I understand the not wanting to put your child in childcare bit but if you arent happy with lifestyle (and he is) then i think you should go to work part time, poerhaps find a nice childminder?

Alternatively i suppose you could split up and live off benefits

Geek - no idea what they are paying but if the op is getting stressed that dh is paying half of it and it is driving them to poverty, then I can only assume they pay a significant contribution. And its tax free.

Think the op said half?

I'm feeling a little sorry for the DH, tbh! He buys a house, does it up, lives with parents and siblings, seemingly happy. He gets married to a woman who agrees to live this way.....

now she demands they leave, live in rented house, doesn't want to work leaving him as sole provider, and now she wants to either throw his parents out or treat them like strangers with a tenancy agreement and full rent!

poor guy.

ok.

My DH paid all of the mortgage when he first bought the house and his family moved in. Then later as the brothers left studies and got into full time jobs, this coincided with our marriage. The brothers then started paying my DH part of the mortgage, ie give DH money which could be seen as rent, but the actual house and mortgage were always and still are in DH's name.

I had no problem so far.

The problem began when we moved OUT of this house. DH had me believe that the financial situation would "change" - and I believe that some part of him also believed that this would change. Yet he made no definite steps to sit down with his brothers (parents retired) and discuss the finances apart from increasing the amount of money they paid to half of the mortgage.

They are not officially paying the mortgage. He is paying it, and they are paying him. This is because the mortgage, plus bills were all on his name and he paid them all directly. This hasnt changed, he still pays out everything. Although he ahs help with the mortgage now, he pays the bills himself.

Did I miss anyone out?

I dont know what the solution for this is to be very honest.

Littleducks, instead of benefits maybe her dh could pay for her and dd's bills too?

He should have stayed single instead of inflicting this rubbish on innocent women and children.

Think gingerkirsty had the best idea.

Could you put that to him op?

The solution is that he simply charges them all market rent and stops paying cost of living bills (obviously would still pay building insurance, maintenance etc).

Then you get the benefit of having a house that becomes your inheritance.

You need to decide what YOU want to do.

It doesn't look as though he is going to change the arrangements regardless of what you say. He is being unreasonable in this but you can't control him, only yourself.

Honestly? In your situation I would read DH the riot act about them paying an appropriate amount of rent on the property or we would be splitting and I would be getting a job and supporting my DC myself with (now ex) DH paying maintenance.

Get a job anyway as Xenia says, never be reliant on a man to support you, it takes away all of your power.

i think you need to seek legal advice

they are paying him only half the mortgage. and he pays the bills too

that sounds bad.

i don't know if there are tax implications or other issues due to this

but surely as has been suggested ,a proper tenancy arrangement would protect everyone

If he can afford maintenance what with paying his mummys bills for her

Yes but if he cares about his wife and child so little as to not want to put them first, she needs to take him out of the equation as far as making sure her DD has what she needs. He is not to be relied upon it would seem.

agree Morloth

i honestly think that for the OP to get a job would bring 2 major benefits - ]

less worry and more independence

a wake up call to her DH

We would never get a tenancy agreement, its just not the done thing in this family.

I repeat, I DID know his financial committment before marrying him and had no problem with it to begin with. The problem began when our situation changed and we moved out.

Also, I do not see work as below me. But I refuse to work until this situation is sorted out, because as I said, why should DH be using all his wages on his extended family and not us? Where is the fairness in that? Yes, I have half of the responsibility of caring for and providing for our family - only half. It will be a full one if I get a job. That is why I wont work.

lulumaan and morloth - I dont understand how it will be a wake up call to him if I get a job. Wont it just make life easier for him and his family??

So what are you going to do?

Mmm agree with Morloth. DIY for your own sanity

maybe he should have found a wife who didn't back out of the lifestyle they had agreed on together?

If the OP was a man the answers would be different.