My DH pays his parents mortgage while we dont have enough for food

[thisiswhereidrawtheline]

Years before we were married, my DH bought a house, in which his parents and siblings moved in. My DH was the sole payer of the mortgage although his brothers had full time jobs and avergae pay each.

About a year before we married, DH did the house up completely. He did a double extension and spent £60,000 in total on the house. He did this believing that he would live in that house forever, with his wife and his parents. We were in a relationship then although not engaged to be married when he made these choices. He just assumed that I would be OK with this lifestyle when he made such a huge financial committment to this house.

When we married, I moved in there with them, but things did not work out between me and his mother. We had constant ups and down, and finally, we moved out.

It has been a year since the move, yet my DH still pays the mortgage and all the bills are direct debits from his bank account still. His two brothers now help towards the mortgage - although I dont know how regular that is because he is very hush hush about the whole thing. Every time I try to bring up the issue, he gets very defensive and we always end up fighting. We have had many many bitter fights over this in the past year.

We are now at a point where I there is hardly any money for food in our house due to his financial contributions to the other house. It is obvious that with this situation, we have no money whatsoever for going out for a meal, movie or shopping, eveni n the cheapest of stores. So we dont, adn we spend most of our spare time either at his parents house or mine.

I dont work because I have a DD who I look after at home.

I am at breaking point now, as I am so sick and tired of being skint. The worst part of all this is however, not even that.

Its that feeling of worthlessness; because me and my DD must be of less value and worth if he has put all of his extended family before us, and has carried on doing so regardless of the financial crisis that we are in.

OP...have you actually seen with your own eyes whose name is on the title deeds ?

"Having the younger generation around is one of the most effective ways of helping the older generation keep going as their lives get harder and harder. It gives them a link to the world, how it works, how it changes, and it ensures that there's someone there who will notice if, for instance, an elderly person is having difficulty eating, or keeping themselves clean etc. It is worth its' weight in gold, and your dh is quite right in ensuring that there is someone around to notice small changes in his parents."

I used to think like this...
Untill I became the daughter in law in an Asian family.
AT first I thought, you know, pay back the piper, care for my in-laws and perhaps I can expect the same in return from my off-spring.

THen reality hit...

I was being disrespected in more ways than I can count. My relationship with my daughter was completely being under-mined to serve the ego and emotional needs of my mother-in-law. She'd obviously been treated like that by her MIL. I could see that if I succumbed to it, I was going to end up like her and spend the rest of my days making my own DIL'S life a misery.

No thanks, I'D rather take my chances with death. Honestly, I would. Life's too short anyway. I could be dead next year.

The upshot is, I don'T get any help with the kids. At all. And no financial help, which is great because I don't want any. DH'S brother will their enormous house in the inheritence, we will get zilch.That's perfect for me.

MIL and I get along okay now that I've put some boundaries down in our relationship (such as no turning up at the house random times of the day, every single day, when I work from home).
I have no problem in popping round to see her now and again, and making sure she's okay.
But I'm a human being as well.

"Apparently you only work for a lilving if you're a guy and you fancy it, the rest dont bother and thats their right... "

Yeah, because sitting on your arse in an office is work apparently, whereas tending to the needs of a baby, without even getting a lunch break or coffee break, obviously isn't...

Aren't we lucky we've got capitalism: to define for us what is and isn't considered to be work...

regarding break, a baby's nap doesn't count. My baby is sleeping right now. I'd love to go and have a coffee in a cafe, go for a walk or a drive, but I can't because I can't leave my baby. So although it looks like I'm not doing anything I've actually got no free time.

Before this becomes a culture thing - let me tell you how it worked/works in my family a typical british family.....I met Dh who owned his own home and half his parents home (the parents home was paid for using some inheritance he had-his house was on a mortgage) he used to jump through hoops for his mum (who hated me)...we quite often had to drop our things to rush off and do things for her (example - leaving me at the hospital for my first scan bcos she was on holiday and decided to come home early) we nursed her until her dying day with dh,my pregnant self and ds1 sharing 1 bedroom.

My fil is still alive I do all his cooking,washing,shopping,bill paying,take him to the drs etc etc this is in between caring for my son who is long term ill home educating my youngest son and maintaining my own home and life.

By 9am every day ive spoken to fil and know his plans for the day,ive arranged where he needs to be driven and what chores i need to do for him.

I come from a very different family but I accepted this life when I moved in with Dh.

My grandparents were Italian and we lived in the same house, my mum nursed them when they became very old etc. But there was none of this Mummys boy wife as second best routine. Same with the Turkish ex, his parents needed picking up from the airport on our sons first birthday, he turned them down flat and I couldn't believe they had the nerve to ask TBH

Sakura - we are not talking about you! Unless you are the OP? Im a sahm to two (trying for a third) And retraining as we speak. I know how hard being a sahm is, i get no help financial,physical or otherwise, and i do this whilst batteling with bipolar. My dh works round the clock to support us.

This like your storey is irrelevant.

The op sounds spoilt and selfish. Her husband has already done everything shes demanded, whilst stil trying to stay true to his parents. He had planned they live together, she agreed. She didnt like it, he agreed to move out. He now Supports his wife and the previous financial commitment and obligation to his parental home. He sounds like a stand up guy. Now she wants to change the goal posts again. There is only so much he can do, and hes doing quite a bit already.

She has two realistic options:
INCREASE THE HOUSEHOLD INCOME - Get a job!
DECREASE THE OUTGOINGS -Get brothers to pay more?

She needs to find out how muich the brothers pay as she doesnt know, they could be paying for most of it anyway here dont forget!
She needs to sort wills and inheritance out.
She needs more financial control within their marriage. This doesnt mean she gets to cut off her husbands commitments, it means she needs an understanding of whats going where and why.

Or of course she could just divorce him, they will probably close ranks and she will get nothing anyway. So even if she wants a divorce she needs to sort the finances first.

You cant play tyhe cultural card only one way -0 if she wants the right to stay home with her toddler then she accepts the other parts of that culture too, surely!

Thanks for the support to those who understand the culture, such as sakura, firawla, geek and anyone I've missed.

I didnt manage to get my break as I have decided to stay and work it out.

While DH has an obligation to look after his parents, nowhere does it say in religion, culture, or common sense (not that I'm seperating it from the other two) that you pump money into your extended family to the cost of your wife and child. babydub has taken much pleasure out of taking my one example of "extras" completely out of context, and made it into "well, OP wants more money for movies and meals." MY ORIGINAL POST stated that we hardly had any money for food, LET ALONE movies and meals. This does not mean that I am at breaking point because I cannot go for movies or meals. I presumed any sensible person would understand as much - but I sadly overestimated the calibre of certain people reading my post.

runnybottom - you seem to have an issue with me not accepting the culture that I married into, and accuse me of "moving the goal posts". I have no desire to justify myself to someone who has absolutely no knowledge about the cultural norms, rules and regulations; I would rather they ask questions to gain a better understanding, rather than make instant sweeping statements about morals and values. However in this instance I will explain the situation in which I moved.
I moved into the shared house immediately after marriage. I fell pregnant straight away. As it was the main family home, DH's other brothers, sisters, cousins etc dropped by almost every day - DH and I had zero privacy. (He has a large family). I knew this would happen so I was prepared. (I'll come back to this later). What I was not prepared for was the unplanned pregnancy, and the difficulties I had with it. Due to complications with my pregnancy, I had frequent check ups and hospital appointments.
This is where I began to have issue with the ILs. MIL was unhappy about the frequent hospital check ups; she assumed that I was "going out" just to get away from the housework. I sat down and explained to her the issues re the pregnancy, and although she listened, the next time it was the same; everytime I came home from a midwife check up or hospital appointment, she ignored me completely. Needless to say, I hardly left the house.

Going back to the issue of privacy, DH and I tried to make up for lost privacy at home by going out occasionally for the evening. PIL were always very touchy and cold about us going out alone together, and eventually started questioning why we had the need to go out alone in the evenings.
In the end, it did begin to feel like I wasnt supposed to be "going out" full stop. I felt very alone and very unhappy, and although I was nine months pregnant, MIL still demanded me to cook and clean according to her schedule. My own parents and siblings live in another city.
Things escalated, the situation became unbearable, in conversations there was suggestion of DH divorcing me purely because I wasnt living with the family in the expected way. DH ignored them, and told me if it was cooking and cleaning they were after, they should keep a servant. We moved out in a hurry before DH's parents left the house in anger. DH said it would kill him if they left the house to him, as he bought it for them to live in. So we moved within a week of the family deciding that it would be us that went, and on the day of the move, I went into labour - three weeks early.
So no, in a situation like this, I think its quite reasonable to not sort out the finances first, and just go, get the hell out of there.

Whilst typing this, I have realised that we moved out of that house to save our marriage. If we had carried on living there, our marriage would have most definitely ended.

If she wants to read the title deeds she can buy them on line at the landregistry. We don't have confidential ownership now in the UK. Anyone can be nosy and after divorce far too many women haven't a clue about the family finances which is silly as most of them aren't thick but they just didn't bother. They'd rather paint their nails or something.

Sorry - I posted without finishing.

In typing all that history, I realised that we moved out of there to save our marriage.
This has stopped me from going on a bullshit break - which really means ending it all.

So

I still refuse to get a job and further allow all of DH's money to be pumped into extended family.

I refuse to run away and allow anyone to benefit from this situation any further.

The only thing I will change is moaning about money to DH. What is, is, and DH will realise himself what is lacking and what needs to be changed and how. I HAVE realised from peoples posts that if I moan about money, then I will have to change it myself, ie get a job, and that is not something I will do until DH sorts his finances out.

Everything else is irrelevant.

Now, now, Xenia. You know I have the utmost respect for you, but there's no need to bring out the antiwoman tropes - the nail painting jibe, I mean, I agree with you about women not bothering to check their legal status.

Sakura, I have a huge amount of respect for you as well, but I'm not sure that Ï'm doing nothing but it doesn't count because I can't leave the house" is a particularly solid argument either. Come on, seriously? I would love to be able to spend an hour during the day at home with nothing to do.

God that sounds awful OP I definitely don't think you should let your MIL look after your DD - she will treat her like a second slave by the sounds of things.

I think you really need to be firm with your DH though. I agree with Fibilou - you should stop feeding him

OP that is really sad, but sadly so typical. why so many inlaws act like that i dont know atleast your husband did stick up for you and move you out as there are some who dont so the marriage either breaks up or wife is staying there badly treated badly her whole life. your dh sounds that he's not a bad guy he wants to make sure he fulfils the rights of everyone? so would try talking to him and let him know that you do appreciate him getting you a seperate place and sticking up for you, but just want to make sure everything is fair between him & his bros. if you suggest that bros split the bills etc rather than just tell him not to pay the mortgage or kick them out, it may go down better, like maybe try to explain him calmly as possible. if it comes across as critisising his parents it doesnt sound like he will take it at all.
stop feeding the husband and that kind of thing will probs make everything worse i think, better to treat him well as he does sound like he's trying to support both. in that kind of family it can be hard 2 stand up 2 the parents, so not that easy for dh.

my inlaws were insisting we were never ever allowed to move out (dh their favourite son) but it was horrible for me cs same issues no privacy, disrespected and insulted etc. when i got married they never told this about 'never allowed to move out' they just kept putting off asking us to stay longer, til we were actually going to move fil went mental. we actually had to move our stuff when they were out because fil was just like i forbid you to leave and said he would disown us, so not easy for dhs to stand up for wife sometimes, i suppose we should appreciate but it is understandable feeling annoyed about this finance thing

we just have to make sure not to treat our own dils like this and hopefully this attitude will die out

thisiswhereidrawtheline that is a brave post and puts it all into context. I am delighted your husband stood by you, and that you are trying to find peace with him.

This will take a long time to work through, but I hope that a solution is found to allow your daughter to enjoy a lifestyle that she deserves, relaxed SAHM, happy dad, and an extended family who respect her family unit.

How is money dealt with in your culture OP? You say your DH has been cagey about how much his DBs are contributing so I guess you aren't in the loop about your joint finances?
Would it be possible for you to suggest a chat about the finances of the arrangement and talk about sorting it out now the dust has settled without seeming to critise how the money has been spent up to now?

Ok - I get where you'recoming from.

Posters that say they knew what they were signing up to - well the same applies to your dh.

I'm from an asian background (one of my many parts) so I've seen the score - that's why I say don't assume this investment will be for your dd. extended families by nature are slippy slidy and this could be the 'family home' - our family has a family home and when push comes to shove there'll be a massive fight over ownership, I know this.

My dh is from another culture - I've accepted his - he has yet to accept mine and from that point of view I understand why you do not wish to work - I feel the same way - but honestly if money is that short your dd will suffer and you cannot solely blame your dh when you can affect change too, unfair as it is.

I would never expect my relatives or ils to pay rent on any home of mine sounds like house share - I cannot understand houseshare with relatives. However I would be loathe to pay for home my relatives live in. I'd help my parents any day of the week but expect my siblings - if living there, to more than help out.

Talk to your dh - he sounds reasonable but this is a sticking point. Unstick it.

Xenia - you're way off the mark here.

"Whilst typing this, I have realised that we moved out of that house to save our marriage. If we had carried on living there, our marriage would have most definitely ended. "

That's exactly what happened to me, OP.

Actually your husband sounds lovely, and much more "with it" than mine was to begin with. It's very difficult for these sons to stand up to their overbearing, domineering mothers.

It took me until my daughter was 5 months old (5 months of absolute pure hell contributing to a deep PND) before my DH finally got it. He thought it was all my fault to begin with , but I said to him, "She treated your ex-girlfriend like this, she treats me like this, Do you honestly think if I go she's going to treat your next wife better?" He realised then that she was the problem, not me.
Like you, I really feel that it wasn't just my marriage on the line, but my mental health too.

The ridiculous thing is, my MIL, like yours, had plenty of other people around her. It's not like she's alone. Mine lives with her husband, her son, her other DIL, her 3 grandchildren; and her single, childless 40-year-old daughter visits her everyday. What more do these MILs want^?? They want to control everything and everybody. It's very sad; they've had such a shit life themselves and that's why they behave the way they do. IF we'd kept on putting up with it, we'd have ended up like them too!!!!

If it helps OP, it really does get better as your children get older. Mothers of small children are like mother bears or angry wolves. Anyone who makes you bristle feels like a threat, and I think it' biological to want to get as far away from them as possible.
Nowadays my MIL and I have reached some sort of compromise and and if your husband manages to stop paying towards your in-law's house, I think you'll be okay. It all depends on your husband. I can deal with my MIL now, but its a case of once bitten twice shy, and I'll never trust her again

"Sakura, I have a huge amount of respect for you as well, but I'm not sure that Ï'm doing nothing but it doesn't count because I can't leave the house" is a particularly solid argument either. Come on, seriously? I would love to be able to spend an hour during the day at home with nothing to do. "

I know tortoise, I'm not really trying to say you're doing nothing!! Just trying to emphasize that someone at home with a child is "working" as much as the next person. The problem is lots of people think that it means you "sit on the sofa and eat crisps" all day watching chat-shows. Volunteer workers get respect from society even though they're not getting paid for what they do, and rightly so. But mothers don't. They get told they have to get a job.

Oh, I misread your post
I mean a mother runs round all day with a baby, soothing him, entertaining him, rocking him to sleep. (we all know what happens when you try to put a baby down- he wakes up immediately). Then she realises he's not going to stop crying so she scrambles out of the house for a walk. Then maybe, he finally, finally goes to sleep. But now you're out. ANd you've forgotten a book or something. SO you wander around, then chance going back home (because you might get an hour to yourself); but when you put the key in the lock he wakes up. Repeat cycle. IF you've got a toddler and a baby, forget even the hope of a second to yourself.

That was my point- that the amount of energy, precision planning and multi-tasking it takes to look after young children is phenomenal. I just can't understand why working in the office is considered to be work when mothering isn't. At least in the office you can go to the toilet in peace. ANd you do get a designated break. But a mother doesn't- she's on call the entire time.

have only read first post so sorry.

Get your own job, work from home around your DD, do avon or tish tash toys or something. I do TT toys.

And leave him.

Yes these women don't want to work. They want to be kept. Obviously for anyone looking frmo the oustide that is ridiculous. The only power they ever get is when they vet to MIL status and can be awful to the live in DIL but goodness knows why they want the powerlessness and dependence of it. London is full of hard working Asian mothers whoa re doctors, lawyers and the like. Ut does not have to be the housewive kow towing to family thing at all. Many have got way beyond that to the better way and every one who doesn't try to change that is damaging other Asian women. For a state find out, it's not hard, doesn't cost much, who the property is in the name of. Step 2 - is there a will and to whom is the property left? Step three find out all the family's finances or is a female head not competent enough to be allowed to know those facts?

totally agree with Sakura, staying at home with children is undervalued in our society, when actually it's the most important job there is.

Xenia, I think previous generations wanted to be "kept", mainly through having no choice.
BUt , well I'm generalising here, I don't think 20-30something Asian women want to be kept. They might want to look after their baby while its tiny, like a lot of British women do, but they want to use their brains and skills. I think this thread is more about the power struggles in an old-fashioned Asian family. I know women who work full-time while the MIL looks after the kids, and that might be a better set-up from your POV, but in reality it's a mad bad situation, and the women I know are very unhappy. The MIL can get her kicks from under-mining the mother's authority when it comes to the kids.
There's loads of subtle power-struggles going on. A lot of Asian families are based on "collectivity" (something to do with having to co-operate on the labour-intensive rice-fields, apparently), so by telling her to "get a job" that doesn't give her more freedom and leeway, it actually means that she'll be contributing to the whole pot i.e supporting the extended family on her wage; she can end up being more of a slave like that, and at the same time, she won't be able to be with her daughter while the baby's small. So the main issue here is to get the husband to grow a spine and to cut the apron strings, not about whether the OP works or not.

In the UK in the white population grandparents aer the main carers though where both parents work too so it's not that unusual even in my culture. It just seems these Asian parents (on the thread anyway) are nastier - why does that have to be so? Can't they empathise and realise i didn't like my MIL being nasty to me so I will choose to be nice. I will respect the views of my grandchild's mother because she's an adult and a clever woman. Most clever women with grandchildren know when interference goes too far and keep out of it and people tend to get on okay.

If MIL herself is a leading UK asian surgeon I suspect there are then not these problems as she has her own career - thus this will just be a temporary problem in the UK until girls get educated properly and have careers as indeed do many many Asian women.

Sorry, I haven't read all the posts, so apologies if I have missed key facts.

But I don't think you should leave your husband as some people are saying. It sounds like he is being far too indulgent of his family but he doesn't sound like a bad person.

I agree that you badly need legal advice. I am a lawyer but not a property lawyer but this is my quasi-legal opinion...

If he has paid the mortgage then, regardless whose name the house is in, he will own most of it (in proportion to the equity he has put in).

If it's in his name, he can sell it, but will need to serve an eviction notice on his family. It is quite complex legally and takes a long time. Also would cause a giant rift with his family.

It seems to me that a better solution would be for the whole family to see a lawyer who would draw up a new plan for how the house will be owned and paid for. You could establish that your husband owns x% already, according to his contribution. His family members could become tenants in common according to the proportion they are prepared to contribute going forward. There is no reason why you should have to keep subsidising them forever.