My DH pays his parents mortgage while we dont have enough for food

[thisiswhereidrawtheline]

Years before we were married, my DH bought a house, in which his parents and siblings moved in. My DH was the sole payer of the mortgage although his brothers had full time jobs and avergae pay each.

About a year before we married, DH did the house up completely. He did a double extension and spent £60,000 in total on the house. He did this believing that he would live in that house forever, with his wife and his parents. We were in a relationship then although not engaged to be married when he made these choices. He just assumed that I would be OK with this lifestyle when he made such a huge financial committment to this house.

When we married, I moved in there with them, but things did not work out between me and his mother. We had constant ups and down, and finally, we moved out.

It has been a year since the move, yet my DH still pays the mortgage and all the bills are direct debits from his bank account still. His two brothers now help towards the mortgage - although I dont know how regular that is because he is very hush hush about the whole thing. Every time I try to bring up the issue, he gets very defensive and we always end up fighting. We have had many many bitter fights over this in the past year.

We are now at a point where I there is hardly any money for food in our house due to his financial contributions to the other house. It is obvious that with this situation, we have no money whatsoever for going out for a meal, movie or shopping, eveni n the cheapest of stores. So we dont, adn we spend most of our spare time either at his parents house or mine.

I dont work because I have a DD who I look after at home.

I am at breaking point now, as I am so sick and tired of being skint. The worst part of all this is however, not even that.

Its that feeling of worthlessness; because me and my DD must be of less value and worth if he has put all of his extended family before us, and has carried on doing so regardless of the financial crisis that we are in.

i am presuming that your DH comes from a culture where it is the norm that parents are cared for by their children as they get old?
it's nice IMO!

so, if his 2 brothers are staying in the house and caring for the parents AND contributing to the mortgage.... that does sound acceptable to me

you do need to find out how much they are paying though. bollocks does he not know how much...

Well exactly. If you don't own the house, you pay rent. If you own the house you pay the mortgage. At the end of it all your DH will own the place.

It's not nice when wifey is secondary to all this bullshit.

Your DP needs t o really start charging rent, and officially draw up a tenancy agreement for the going rate for rental for the size of house. He is still liable for the mortgage, as his name is on it, he can't just stop paying for it or he will default. Either that or he sells the house.

Mind you by the sounds of it it is unlikeley that he would do either. So to be honest I think youyr best bet would be to get a job and start making plans to (financially) care for yourself, as he is unable to.

They all know the ins and outs and you don't. They are all showing a lack of respect for you IMO

but she willingly moved out of the house and agreed to it being used by the parents and brothers etc etc

sorry, but i have little time for the poor little "wifey" who doesn't question these things at the time tbh and then moans about it later

where did the £60 000 come from to do the work on the house? he might have re mortgaged

He needs to get the family living there to pay a set amount of rent each month. He can then use that to pay towards the mortgage. Otherwise its going to get even more confusing later on and you'll soon become so broke you won't be able to pay and he'll lose it anyway.
Asking them to pay the mortgage is dodgy ground as to who then owns the property.

You need to sit him down and explain that he needs them to pay rent so he can keep paying th emortgage otherwise he'll lose the lot.

Your dh needs to tell his brothers he can't afford the house any more and they need to a) buy it off him
or b) he'll sell up

if he won't say that to them he needs to

c) divorce you and move back into his house and you can have the one your living in

Im going to answer everyones questions as a joint explanation because there are far too many names to refer to.

My DH does indeed come from a culture where children look after their parents when they are old, that is why he didnt allow them to leave and we left instead.
I understand the looking after part, I just dont understand the not looking after wife and daughter part.

I am a proffessional in my chosen field and I can easily get a job. But why should I leave my daughter in care to bring in a wage that our family will depend upon entirely? Because me working will only make DH more complacent in not changing the situation - actually, I dont see the situation changing at all if I start work. I see it getting worse. In the end, I will be away from my daughter and not even have the perks of providing a household which benefits from two good wages.

I believe he pays half of the total sum (mortgage + bills) and they jointly pay half of it.
Or it could be even less. I dont know.

I'm with junglist.

They should pay rent or move out.

It is going to get ridicuously confusing if the brothers contribute to the mortgage. Better your dh pays it all imo. Then the house is his and only his. Much more satisfactory for you in the long run.

He could charge them rent and then use that to pay the mortgage but its difficult charging siblings rent. It would probably end up being less than market value rent bearing in mind he would effectively be charging his parents and siblings.

You need to find out who does in fact legally own the house (especially if as you indicate the brothers have paid towards the mortgage which may compromise ownership?). Then that person (hopefully your dh) needs to pay the mortgage on his own and if you need the money then either boot them out and sell, boot them out and move in, or charge rent.

Move back in then, and demand the master bedroom.

You need to find out exactly what the mortgage amount is. He then needs to charge his family that. Bills are completely the responsibility of the people living there.

Mind you if you haven't found out the financial details now I don't hold out much hope for you.

thisisyesterday - perhaps you wont understand, but I truly had no choice but to leave. My DH owns the house but it was THEIR HOME. DH made it very clear to me that if the family was to seperate, it would be us leaving and not them. I assumed at the time that the finances would seperate soon, and DH let me believe that. But that isnt the case still.

in your shoes i would absolutely get a job if you don't have enough for food... might give your DH a wake up call too that he is not the provider.

if it is a choice between eating and not eating as you say in your thread , and you can easily get a job, get a job

hmm well it's your choice absolutely whether or not you go back to work, and as a SAHM myself I can entirely understand why you don't want to

but, right now you have no food and are also presumably at risk of losing either of the houses you own/rent

so, the sensible thing would be to get a job surely?

you do need to talk to him again and lay it down straight. they either split the mortgage equally between them (if you can afford that), or they all pay him rent... whatever it takes. you need to be looked after too

ask them to buy him out.

half sounds reasonable to me, he will end up with the property in the end, so why should they pay all of it?

Plus you married him with this situation already in place, bit much to be moaning about it now. And why shouldnt you work, his family and the house and the whole 'situation' eas present before you married its was a pre existing financial arrangement that you didnt alter before marriage and children, as you are married you jointly take on that commitment surely. plus its your daughters inheritance your paying into. Get a job and stop moaning.

ok, i do kind of get that... but you still went along with it! you knew how it was going to be and you agreed to it and now you're complaining about it and refusing to get a job, you can't have it all ways

i am not denying that something has got to change, not at all, but it's not like it has come as a huge surprise to you

But you married into that culture so you must have known this is how your husband would want to live his life

Why do you have to live in accordance with his culture though? Or perhaps you married him on the basis you would endure living with his parents for life may be and it's you not he that's broken the deal.
(Never rely on a man for money, it leaves you powerless and with few choices)

Whose name is the house registered in? If you are not sure you can buy a land registry search. Who gets it when he dies? Say he died next week the family might claim it. you need to get all this properly sorted out.

They should pay rent and the bills.

In your situation I would go back to work.

Tbh I wouldn't stay married to someone with such different views.

Did you buy a 2nd home or are you renting?

what do YOU think the solution is, thisiswhereidrawtheline?

because you're not taking on board any advice.

what do YOU want to do? have justification for kicking him out?

Seems obvious to me, the brothers should be paying rent. If they pay towards the mortgage, it puts his ownership in a tenuous position legally.

surely you discussed this when you decided you could no longer live with his mother? Would you have respected a man who had made a comittment to provide a house for his parents and then withdrew it through no fault of their own? Did you think that you could afford to pay for two houses?