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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DH pays his parents mortgage while we dont have enough for food

368 replies

thisiswhereidrawtheline · 12/05/2010 16:07

Years before we were married, my DH bought a house, in which his parents and siblings moved in. My DH was the sole payer of the mortgage although his brothers had full time jobs and avergae pay each.

About a year before we married, DH did the house up completely. He did a double extension and spent £60,000 in total on the house. He did this believing that he would live in that house forever, with his wife and his parents. We were in a relationship then although not engaged to be married when he made these choices. He just assumed that I would be OK with this lifestyle when he made such a huge financial committment to this house.

When we married, I moved in there with them, but things did not work out between me and his mother. We had constant ups and down, and finally, we moved out.

It has been a year since the move, yet my DH still pays the mortgage and all the bills are direct debits from his bank account still. His two brothers now help towards the mortgage - although I dont know how regular that is because he is very hush hush about the whole thing. Every time I try to bring up the issue, he gets very defensive and we always end up fighting. We have had many many bitter fights over this in the past year.

We are now at a point where I there is hardly any money for food in our house due to his financial contributions to the other house. It is obvious that with this situation, we have no money whatsoever for going out for a meal, movie or shopping, eveni n the cheapest of stores. So we dont, adn we spend most of our spare time either at his parents house or mine.

I dont work because I have a DD who I look after at home.

I am at breaking point now, as I am so sick and tired of being skint. The worst part of all this is however, not even that.

Its that feeling of worthlessness; because me and my DD must be of less value and worth if he has put all of his extended family before us, and has carried on doing so regardless of the financial crisis that we are in.

OP posts:
frogetyfrog · 12/05/2010 16:48

So they own half the house then if they are paying half the mortgage. That makes it more confusing (but more logical if they all lived together to begin with) as it will be harder to get out of. But he could still tell the brothers he cant afford his half and they need to buy him out.

Or even more sensibly continue to pay half the mortgage but say that he is not contributing to bills from now on. that way you continue to own half a house.

You need to check he is indeed half owner of the house though as it does sound quite possible that the parents 'bought' the house and the boys are all contributing unofficially. That would potentially be a nightmare as he may not benefit later on when they die or move.

But only you can find these things out or know. I am just guessing.

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/05/2010 16:48

I agree with Xenia - never rely on a man for money.

I think your best course of action is to get a job. However it would be the death of your relationship I imagine as it would cause you to feel so resentful. But what else can you do? He is not providiing for you and your DC, and it doesn't look as if it will change, so you will need to.

Not a nice situation to be in, but you do need to be a bit more forthright. You have to demand that information and say that there has to be change.

electra · 12/05/2010 16:48

YANBU at all - I would be furious. He needs to get his priorities straight and you should be firm with him about it. This would be a deal breaker for me, I'm afraid.

It may be his house, and he may be paying the mortgage on it but his family should be paying him rent every month for it and they should certainly be paying bills - since when is he responsible for them? He has a wife and children to provide for and you should be the priority. They sound morally bankrupt to me - what a bunch of freeloaders!

Hardly surprising you are skint......awful situation.

electra · 12/05/2010 16:50

It's all very well to say 'get a job, don't rely on a man' etc - fair point but usually one parent has to be there for the children if they are not yet school age?

GeekOfTheWeek · 12/05/2010 16:51

Babydubs, most landlords will own the house in the end. Doesn't mean that the tenants should only pay half.

junglist1 · 12/05/2010 16:51

I agree with Xenia that not having your own money leads to having to along with cack like this. Are his parents from a country beginning with T? I can't believe you had to move out of your own family home for the sake of his parents. What a lose lose situation for you. Maybe he wouldn't mind your parents moving in and living off his wage? Just a suggestion

Original poster
thisiswhereidrawtheline · 12/05/2010 16:52

We are living on rent at the moment.

I dont want to leave him or break up because apart from this situation, we have no other issues between us. And I dont want my daughter to lose her father.

I have considered getting a job, and even been for an interview, but then when I think about that why I should be single handedly providing for the family while he uses his £30,000 wage on his extended family, my blood boils.

OP posts:
junglist1 · 12/05/2010 16:52

A man like this should stay single IMO FOREVER. They have no right starting families knowing they'll never put them first

BabyDubsEverywhere · 12/05/2010 16:54

well why should he single handedly pay for the family, you are married, its supposed to be a joint venture surely, and his extended family are yours and your daughters now too, surley you realised all this at the alter, it cant be that much of a shock...

junglist1 · 12/05/2010 16:54

But at least with your own money you have a say. Right now your blood needs to be boiling, mine is!

Original poster
thisiswhereidrawtheline · 12/05/2010 16:55

For everyones information, My DD is only 14 months old. She cant yet walk let alone talk. I dont want her in care when she cant even come home and tell me what has happened at nursery. Why the fuck should I meekly go to work and allow someone else to use the money SHE is entitled to?

OP posts:
thehillsarealive · 12/05/2010 16:55

the brothers and parents should be paying the bills and your husband should be charging them rent to cover the mortgage.

While it is nice that he is looking after his parents and brothers, you feel sidelined and say there isnt enough money to go round. So, you can either speak to your husband about the money issues or get a job and provide for your DD and yourself.

If his brothers are paying the mortgage then it does put ownership in a tricky place.

You really need to talk about this in a calm manner and come to an amicable solution for everyone.

thisisyesterday · 12/05/2010 16:56

yes, the amount he is paying needs to change.

but he is thinking about you... this is an investment property for your future. if he gives it up now he has lost an awful lot

ajnd you knew before you even married him that it was going to be like this!

GeekOfTheWeek · 12/05/2010 16:56

In that case maybe they should buy a house for the ops parents and siblings and pay their bills.

Op, you don't need any other issues. This one is big enough.

DumpyOldWoman · 12/05/2010 16:56

You are in a very difficult stituation, and I think you need to go back to square one.

Firstly, since you did go into this without asking enough questions (you must have realised what was expected within your DH's culture) or challenging his assumptions, and he went in with assumptions without asking you, you need to talk calmly and openly about what this means for you both. He may well feel that it is you who have made the situation impossible by moving out and he doesn't feel that he can honourably let his parents down by not providing the house. He may well feel that he has an equal or greater responsibility towards his parents than to you, and that you should be supporting him in that (depending on his family culture)! But he needs to understand how hard it was for you, and how he should have talked more with you about his vision and what was expected. He may well feel that he couldn't walk away from supporting his parents, so is trying to spread himself thin and support both households. His refusal to talk about it in detail now is enirely consistent with the fact that you didn't discuss it enough before you got married.

I'm not saying he's right - it would seem reasonable that his brothers pay for their use of the house as rent, and certainly your DH should not be responsible for their share of the bills. he may wish to go some way, along with his brothers, to contribute towards the costs of the house for his parents, but Xenia is right, the brothers contribution should be as rent, not paying directly to the mortgage co or else they will have rights to it.

Your situation is ridiculous, but you sound as if you are having a tantrum over it, and that is no way to move forward. In your position I would actually get a job as a way to have some personal investment, back-up and stake in a family where my own interests were not viewed as paramount.

Alternatively point out to your DH that if you divorce, half the house, or his share of it, will have to go to you!

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/05/2010 16:56

I would say that you need to have a meeting with the whole family and each put your point across.

I wouldn;t bother personally. I would just kick him out and cope on my own.

minipie · 12/05/2010 16:56

The brothers/parents taking over or contributing to the mortgage does not really work, because the house will remain in your DH's name (unless he transfers part-ownership to them) and so it wouldn't be fair for them to pay the mortgage.

There are several possible alternative solutions that would work:

1 - he sells them the house, either at market rate or at a lower-than-market "family" rate. They would then take on the mortgage. However it's possible they might not be able to get a mortgage for the necessary amount (depends on their salaries).

2 - he keeps paying the mortgage and they pay him rent, either at market rate or at lower-than-market "family" rate.

3 - the parents continue to live in the house and he continues to pay the mortgage and doesn't charge them rent - this would mean he is following his cultural tradition of looking after his parents. However the brothers (who he doesn't have to look after) move out. If the house is too big for the parents alone, then he could sell it and buy a smaller one instead, and free up some money for you and your DC.

How do you feel about any of these suggestions? How do you think he might feel?

I think you need to offer a solution which is not just "they pay the mortgage" because legally that doesn't really work, unless they buy the house, which may not be possible.

NathanBarley · 12/05/2010 16:58

If he refuses to discuss it I suppose you have three options:

1 - talk to his family about it yourself
2 - get counselling together
3 - give him an ultimatum, and go though with it if he fails to rectify situation

It's important for you to understand why he's trying to do this, so do talk to him about how he feels about the whole thing. It might be that you can agree on another way to achieve the outcome he wants (security for his parents, a good investment for future etc), one that is realistic for you all. However, it is not acceptable for him not to support his wife and child properly in trying to look after his parents and siblings.

junglist1 · 12/05/2010 16:58

Well exactly, why should you?? Why should you feel pushed into working when you're not ready? Because of his family bleeding him dry while you get sod all, that's why. Because it's the only chance you've got of having him sit up and take notice

Lulumaam · 12/05/2010 16:58

lots of people have a 14 month old and have to work and have to put food on teh table

and younger babies in childcare

if you need to eat, you need to work

it's that simple

how did he get £60 000 for home improvements on a £30 000 salary?

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/05/2010 16:59

WEll, if you are happy with your husband, you don;t want to leave, well I think now that your baby is 14 momnths old I think you have to go back to work.

Lots of mothers go back earlier than you do.

Lulumaam · 12/05/2010 16:59

but the OP knew the situation before they got married and had a baby..

runnybottom · 12/05/2010 16:59

You are not singlehandedly paying for his family, he is paying half of the mortgage on his house.

You knew the situation when you married him. You knew it when you moved out and made him change his life plan. Why did you marry him and have children with him and then complain about his life, as if it was some suprise to you?

OrmRenewed · 12/05/2010 17:00

What minipie says.

If he continues to own part of the house, he continues to pay part of the mortgage. That seems obvious. Do you honestly think it would be fair from him not to pay his share yes still have the same share in the house?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 12/05/2010 17:00

your not responding to people, its difficult to work this out when so many variable are left unknown to us.

I dont get why you shouldnt work, just because you dont want to? You would rather see you child without food. You stated i has come to this. all these finanical problems are joint if you are MARRIED. You can be part of the solution if you choose to be.