My DH pays his parents mortgage while we dont have enough for food

[thisiswhereidrawtheline]

Years before we were married, my DH bought a house, in which his parents and siblings moved in. My DH was the sole payer of the mortgage although his brothers had full time jobs and avergae pay each.

About a year before we married, DH did the house up completely. He did a double extension and spent £60,000 in total on the house. He did this believing that he would live in that house forever, with his wife and his parents. We were in a relationship then although not engaged to be married when he made these choices. He just assumed that I would be OK with this lifestyle when he made such a huge financial committment to this house.

When we married, I moved in there with them, but things did not work out between me and his mother. We had constant ups and down, and finally, we moved out.

It has been a year since the move, yet my DH still pays the mortgage and all the bills are direct debits from his bank account still. His two brothers now help towards the mortgage - although I dont know how regular that is because he is very hush hush about the whole thing. Every time I try to bring up the issue, he gets very defensive and we always end up fighting. We have had many many bitter fights over this in the past year.

We are now at a point where I there is hardly any money for food in our house due to his financial contributions to the other house. It is obvious that with this situation, we have no money whatsoever for going out for a meal, movie or shopping, eveni n the cheapest of stores. So we dont, adn we spend most of our spare time either at his parents house or mine.

I dont work because I have a DD who I look after at home.

I am at breaking point now, as I am so sick and tired of being skint. The worst part of all this is however, not even that.

Its that feeling of worthlessness; because me and my DD must be of less value and worth if he has put all of his extended family before us, and has carried on doing so regardless of the financial crisis that we are in.

getting a job shows you are taking some independence

What did his parents do before he bought the house?

Depending on how much anyone else is contributing that could be seen as rent, surely and not as mortgage, therefore your husband (and you) are the sole owners of the property.

I think you should be telling dh all this not us
you've asked for our advice and we've given it
if dh won't listen what are you going to do? leave? gt a job? carry on as you are?

Junglist - I meant The Family documentary on channel 4 where everone lived under the same roof and the male children did all the work

it will be a wake up call to him if he realises he is unable to support his own family.

if family are so important to him in his culture then this may well shock him into doing something

mayeb show him this thread op?

gingerkirsty - I agree, and it sounds like a sensible plan if it happened.

babydubs - my ideal situation would be to sell the house as you say. But even mentioning that subject to DH is asking for trouble. That is where the bitter rows have started from.

maybe he will realise the reality of the situation >. he cannot support you and his exteneded family

on £30 000, how can you pay for two households???

if he has a more traditional outlook, the issue of you having to work to put food on the table might well make him realise what is happening

i actually cannot understand how you make ends meet at all

It won't make it easier,once you're financially contributing you have a voice. Not that you shouldn't now, but they don't seem to think so. You say, "right, now I'm working we can save up for this holiday if you don't pay their bills"

Get a job and keep the cash separate to only be used for your DD's benefit. Obviously a joint pot is a bad idea here.

If he sees you getting a job as a reason to funnel more cash to his extended family, then I suggest telling him to not let the door hit him in the arse on the way out. Forget about whether you will make his life better or not, just focus on your DD, anything else is game playing.

Honestly, this thread is starting to annoy me now. No thought at all from the other perspective, just all piling in to say what a b astard he is.

I think that unless you want to move back into the house, you'd better get a job. Otherwise, you're round there all the time anyway as you've no money for food.

Or better still slam the door right into his arse yourself

I don't think he is a bastard just that he has different priorities to the OP. If they can't be reconciled OP needs to sort her DD out before anyone else gets a look in.

I agree get a job.

Also you mentioned your DH's salary was £30k which isn't masses anyway to pay half a mortgage and no bills (assuming your DH can negotiate that) and support you and your DD in another house.

At least look for something part-time.

I'm also going to assume your DH's parents can't afford to pay much so he is going to financially support them to some extent which you may just have to accept.

Get a job and then at least you have food on the table and some options.

but his priorities haven't changed, the op signed up to one life and now is complaining because she demanded he changed everything for her.

I don't think he is a bastard.. i think the OP knew the situation before marraige and children and the reality of it is very different and frightening

there is a compromise in thre somewhere,

if not, teh OP has hard choices to make, be it whether to get a job, or to leave or whatever it might be

something has to happen and the OP has to be the driver

runnybottom, tried to look at it from the other angle but still think he's unreasonable.

Should the op live with il's and be v unhappy in her own home til they die? Would the dd benefit from this? Don't think its unreasonable to not want to live with il's.(Or anyone else)

Circumstances change.

Would the dh be happy to also fund the ops parents and siblings?

runnybottom - I think we've had a fair mix of perspectives. Also, I didnt "back out" of our agreed lifestyle as you remarked. I happily moved in with them - perhaps naively so - thinking it would all be one big happy family and life would be hunky dorey. Unfortunately, it didnt go according to plan. Launching into hows and whys now is a totally different , perhaps even more annoying thread so I won't. If your annoyed, dont bother reading. Go to another thread.

But they now have a DD whose needs take priority. If OP's DH isn't going to do it she needs to do it herself.

What culture is your DH from OP?

I bet his mum was too overbearing. Was she jealous of you?

No, Junglist, she wasnt jealous or overbearing, it was just a difference of personalities and perhaps ways of living which clashed. The two of us of course wanted to live/run things our own way, and that just didnt work out. I have a good relationship with her now that we both have our own space.

Your DH is caught between you and his family. I know exactly the kind of family set up you are in, and I can see it would be an anathema for there to be any tennancy agreement etc. The whole family are probably used to seeing all assets as a family asset and that pooling it gives greater investment power. It will serve your dd well in the long run, as she will have a good inheritance, but your DH is stuck between 2 conventions and 2 sets of expectations. He is beholden to his culture and you have dug your heels in.

Sit down with him calmly and show him that you do understand the pessure he is under to do what is expected within the family. Ask how together you can help him do that, while still making sure that you and dd are not suffering. Explain that you expected the money situation to change once you moved out, and ask him how his brothers see the situation. They may think they are doing your DH a favour by remaining to care fo the PILs in your DHs absence.

I would feel very frustrated and agrieved in your position, but there has been such a string of misunderstandings and assumptions between you and DH that I suspect this can only be sorted out by the two of you finding a way to really cimmunicate, instead of you being furious and seemingly stubborn, and him burying his head.

OP, where did your inlaws live before they moved into DH's house? Did they sell a house so they've got savings, or where they in rented all their lives?

Im actually seriously considering getting a job now.

Only for my DD and not a penny towards anything else.