My DH pays his parents mortgage while we dont have enough for food

[thisiswhereidrawtheline]

Years before we were married, my DH bought a house, in which his parents and siblings moved in. My DH was the sole payer of the mortgage although his brothers had full time jobs and avergae pay each.

About a year before we married, DH did the house up completely. He did a double extension and spent £60,000 in total on the house. He did this believing that he would live in that house forever, with his wife and his parents. We were in a relationship then although not engaged to be married when he made these choices. He just assumed that I would be OK with this lifestyle when he made such a huge financial committment to this house.

When we married, I moved in there with them, but things did not work out between me and his mother. We had constant ups and down, and finally, we moved out.

It has been a year since the move, yet my DH still pays the mortgage and all the bills are direct debits from his bank account still. His two brothers now help towards the mortgage - although I dont know how regular that is because he is very hush hush about the whole thing. Every time I try to bring up the issue, he gets very defensive and we always end up fighting. We have had many many bitter fights over this in the past year.

We are now at a point where I there is hardly any money for food in our house due to his financial contributions to the other house. It is obvious that with this situation, we have no money whatsoever for going out for a meal, movie or shopping, eveni n the cheapest of stores. So we dont, adn we spend most of our spare time either at his parents house or mine.

I dont work because I have a DD who I look after at home.

I am at breaking point now, as I am so sick and tired of being skint. The worst part of all this is however, not even that.

Its that feeling of worthlessness; because me and my DD must be of less value and worth if he has put all of his extended family before us, and has carried on doing so regardless of the financial crisis that we are in.

Your BILs are not simply living an easy life on your dh's income. They are looking after your ILs. They may not look like they are, but they are.

Having the younger generation around is one of the most effective ways of helping the older generation keep going as their lives get harder and harder. It gives them a link to the world, how it works, how it changes, and it ensures that there's someone there who will notice if, for instance, an elderly person is having difficulty eating, or keeping themselves clean etc. It is worth its' weight in gold, and your dh is quite right in ensuring that there is someone around to notice small changes in his parents.

Of course, he could pay someone to do it - pop in and out - but he's letting his brothers do it in return for living in a house on a cheaper deal.

Having said that, I do think the brothers could contribute a bit towards their bills. That encourages people to use the utilities responsibly.

The brothers do contribute the op doesnt know how much though.

This is what happens in asian households all the bloomin time!!!! I know I'm asian!

If your DH wants to pay the mortgage as he wants to have the house when its all paid off he should continue to do so. He is getting some payment as a form of rent so thats good.

As for the bills, is he a wally or what??? If the bills dont get paid who suffers? the people living in the house and guess what they will pay the bills themselves. Stop paying the electric, water, council tax etc. His family are living in the house so they should be paying it.

I do hope that you sort it out, but your DH comes across as the type that doesnt want to upset his family cos he knows it will mean big headaches for him. He should be supporting you and his DD and he really does need to grow a backbone.

"having a child doesn't mean you can dictate what the entire rest of the family does. having a child doesn't exempt you from respect and compromise and being a human being. "

runnybottom, you clearly haven't been a daughter-in-law in an Asian family. She is at the very bottom of the pecking order. I laugh my head off at the very idea that a daughter in law of an Asian family could dictate anything to the rest of the family

hahahahahahahaha!!!

Everything Sakura said. What kind of father is he? He's not rich enough to support 2 families so why did he decide to have his cake and eat it and get married? He chose to have a child knowing he hasn't got the paternal instinct to want a good life for that child. What happens when she's old enough to ask for things such as trips to the cinema? "Oh no sorry have to mummys electric bill". It's inexcusable

And I understand this sort of thing as my ex was Turkish. I made it clear from the beginning that if I wasn't going to come first he could forget it, and basically gave MIL the same message. Thank God he had some backbone

except sakura, she has done already? Clearly not that powerless is she, they moved out, they rent elsewhere and no shes threatening to leave him if he doesn't cut his parents off.

Don't know what you're laughing at to be honest.

Quattro mentioned this before and I've been wondering - in this non contractual rent arrangement, is the OP's DP paying any tax?

Probably not seeing as he's living in cloud cuckoo land

She doesn't have to be the DIL in any family if she is unhappy. It's 2010 and she lives in a free country, she has choices, she just doesn't like any of the options, life is like that sometimes.

runnybottom "having a child doesn't mean you can dictate what the entire rest of the family does. having a child doesn't exempt you from respect and compromise and being a human being." The hell yo say? You mean having a small child doesn't make me the centre of the universe?

This is a very difficult situation and I think that some on this thread have been very harsh on the op. I think its the pils here who are being completely unreasonable. They are aware of the situation and that their son is running 2 households, they have no shame and have put their son under this pressure with complete disregard for their grandchild. They have 3 other sons living at home who should be supporting the parents as they have no other dependents and actually benefit from living in the house! I think the op should take matters into her own hands and explain how difficult things are for her family to the pils. They have been unwise with their money and now need to stop being selfish and make their son pay for their mistakes. I am not saying throw them into the street but they need to stop relying on their eldest son for everything the other 3 have an obligation too. What will happen when one of the sons gets married and brings a wife into the house, will your husband have to support his family too? Its a ridiculous but all too familar situation in asian culture.

As for expecting your husband to support you,it might seem ridiculous to most of you and I know a lot of you have strong view on women and Islam, but it is a right for muslim women, we are fortunate that Islam has given us this status and right.

By the way there is a right in English law for both man and woman in a marriage to provide support to the other so it's not just muslims that have thaat. It's simply that Koranic law is utterly sexist and wrong.

The op is the one who changed the goal posts. ~She decided to marry this guy who was supporting his parental home. She stayed whilst engaged whilst the house was alterd to accomadate them as a family with the parents and 2 brothers. She decided not to life in the house and to rent a further home for themselves, she decided she doesnt fancy to work, she decided shes etitled to all she wants and desires whilst the husband, poor guy, just has to keep changing everything to suit his demanding and self absorbed wife. As i said earlier in this thread, she want the best bits of cultural living without any of the less desireable aspects. cake and eat it! The brothers are contributing, the op does not know how much, it must be a decent amout really, as 30K wouldnt go far for one household let alone two. The wife and child are being supported, the rents paid the bills are paid. If you read the opener, the op wants extras life the movies and meals out. its afterward she changes her mind and say if this goes on they wont eat! its been a year since the seperate living started and for some reason now they cant eat but the last 12 months have been fine. Ive never heard anything so selfish. Shes not thinking about her daughter. The fact that her dad is paying the mortgage and will be securing an inherritance for her future, and HE IS SUPPORTING THEM NOW. they have a roof over their heads he is not negating on his duties - to anyone. give the poor guy a break.

Well said Xenia

Whatever Xenia, I knew when I posted that Islam haters would undoubtedly crawl out of the woodwork, I have nothing further to say to you as I did not post to get into slanging matches with people making ignorant comments about Islam like you. Im off for school run so feel free to carry on ranting, ta- rah!

I dont think anyone can be called an islam hater on this thread. Dont ruin a perfectly good discussion with crap like that.

No breaks for this H. I can see why the OP thought she'd give it a go, maybe she thought when a child came along he might get his priorities right. We all hope for things in relationships

Ah junglist shall we call it a draw, only me and you going at this lol

We don't actually know why the op and her dh left the 'family home'. The inlaws behaviour could have been bordering on cruel for all we know. She signed up to living with the inlaws but... aT could be that th eOP was a nightmare dil. We don't know ehough to just say well you signed up for it fterall wouldn't we be telling abused wives well you signed up for it.
Things change, people change, the ops dh at least needs to hear her out especially as when they left that house he had made it seem to the op that things were going to change.

Op I hope you get some sort of resolution. Even if its he stops paying the brothers shares of the bills.

I can say sexist religions are wrong without being an Islam hater. In fact the Koran was aiming to equalise men and women but some silly muslims have construed it wrongly to suggest women shouldn't work , should cover up etc. That suits men down to the ground but it certainly doesn't have to be construed as such.

However anyone living in the UK ius subject to English law so my points about making it clear who inherits, knowing how you would stand on a divorce (and you can get a marriage contrat drawn up at mosques but plenty of women are not sensible enough to do so) and there is nothing to stop joint marital property being in the couple's names as many muslims achive in 2010 in the UK but some just are at a more basic level of development.

It's quite common to find that one person carries the most of the weight for others in an extended family. One person seems to emerge as the responsible one who will make more sacrifices and adjustments and the there's always one who doesn't do enough and sits back and enjoys.

If you are that short of cash are you able to get a part time job and at the same time find out exactly the expecations of your dh, pils etc in relation to this property? However, I do understand how this will make you resentful. But you are resentful now so better to have a bit more money coming in?

Oh god dont mention work you'll start them off again. We have already established that she doesnt have to work, and finds the suggestion insulting. Apparently you only work for a lilving if you're a guy and you fancy it, the rest dont bother and thats their right...

I'm with BabyDubs. Maybe the OP should try harder to get along with the MIL and move back into the house, if having more money is the priority.

probably already been said but why haven't you already moved back in with your belongings and demand that they find alternative accommodation?

I wouldn't be putting up with that, sorry.

YABU

Is he worried that his brothers will want to split the money made on the house when parents die? Suggest the soloution is that DH charges siblings living in the house rent to cover the mortgage, then the parents and sibliongs pay the bills between them. This is what would happen in an ordinary house share. He gets to keep his name on the house deeds, and you get to inherit the house when ILs pass on. If he wanted to, he could also get an agreement drawn up whereby parents have the right to live there until they die, but that siblings have to move out/have no financial claim.

I would put it to him that this is the solution, or you will be leaving.