My DH pays his parents mortgage while we dont have enough for food

[thisiswhereidrawtheline]

Years before we were married, my DH bought a house, in which his parents and siblings moved in. My DH was the sole payer of the mortgage although his brothers had full time jobs and avergae pay each.

About a year before we married, DH did the house up completely. He did a double extension and spent £60,000 in total on the house. He did this believing that he would live in that house forever, with his wife and his parents. We were in a relationship then although not engaged to be married when he made these choices. He just assumed that I would be OK with this lifestyle when he made such a huge financial committment to this house.

When we married, I moved in there with them, but things did not work out between me and his mother. We had constant ups and down, and finally, we moved out.

It has been a year since the move, yet my DH still pays the mortgage and all the bills are direct debits from his bank account still. His two brothers now help towards the mortgage - although I dont know how regular that is because he is very hush hush about the whole thing. Every time I try to bring up the issue, he gets very defensive and we always end up fighting. We have had many many bitter fights over this in the past year.

We are now at a point where I there is hardly any money for food in our house due to his financial contributions to the other house. It is obvious that with this situation, we have no money whatsoever for going out for a meal, movie or shopping, eveni n the cheapest of stores. So we dont, adn we spend most of our spare time either at his parents house or mine.

I dont work because I have a DD who I look after at home.

I am at breaking point now, as I am so sick and tired of being skint. The worst part of all this is however, not even that.

Its that feeling of worthlessness; because me and my DD must be of less value and worth if he has put all of his extended family before us, and has carried on doing so regardless of the financial crisis that we are in.

yes I see it now.

Seems like the OP then is using the religious argument to get her own way then. Its her right not to work and his obligation to support her, yet she ignores his obligations to his parents.

OP said that both her and her dh are Muslim.

Wish I came from a culture where I had the 'right' to be supported .

i think its obvious that he cares more for them than he does for you!how many times does he have to spell it out for you pick up your kids and leave the loser! you will never come first niether will your kids. your children deserve better.

God, giveitago, your situation sounds dire.
I think if my dh set up a joint bank account with my mil but not with me, I'd have to twat him one. That's absolutely outrageous.

Disclaimer: I earn a full-time wage and am a total pacifist with a lovely dh (I think), so this is unlikely to happen.

I agree with BabyDubs and runnybottom, here.

I understand that it was hard to live with the in-laws and you couldn't have foreseen that. I understand that you felt there was no choice but for you to move out instead of them. I understand that there are compelling cultural reasons why working outside the home seems like an outrage. I understand that there are three grown sons here, only one with a family, and yet yours is carrying the main burden.

But this whole 'I'm not working until he sorts it' attitude comes across as really entitled and whiny, it really does. You can't afford to feed your family, but you'd rather point score ("if he gets to play by the cultural rules so do I") than fix the actual problem. This whole thing about "I have half the responsibility and if I work I'll be doing all of it" simply isn't true - and hey, you've got half the responsibility now and you're not doing any of it. He's providing for you now, just not as well as you'd like. He's not going to stop altogether if you get a job, is he? He'll still contribute to rent and bills and food, you'll just be more comfortable.

If it's that important that you don't end up contributing more than him, sit down and work out how much of his income goes to your family, and get a part time job that pays the same. Stop agonising about who's entitled to what, and what's fair, and waah waah, and start earning some money.

Gosh, I missed an entire page. AnyFucker is brilliant. Why would your daughter have to go to childcare if you have retired inlaws living rent-free? I'd have thought using them for childcare would be the perfect solution here. No childcare, financial independence, reciprocal contributions to the overall finances of the extended family unit, and you have food on the table again.

I can't believe how obvious a solution that is, tbh, and only one person thought of it.

Junglist:
"IMO if she has to work when she doesn't want she should divorce him, ONLY because they could be comfortable on his salary"

What if he doesn't want to work? Can he divorce her for staying home when they could be comfortable on her salary? She did say she had professional qualifications and could get a job easily.

Her child is very young. He's the one messing everything up isn't he. If he was to be a SAHD that's his mummy and daddy out the window for sure isn't it.
OP hopefully you get this sorted. It's OK talking about culture but this set up only works if the man has enough money and he clearly doesn't. When you come back from your break let us know how you are

"so you basically expect your husband to lose a good investment he has and make his parents and brothers homeless
"

Well precisely. Nice

I am dead late in coming to this thread.

The way I see it is that her dh assumed they would be sharing the property with his family.

Op didnt want to live there (for whatever reasons)-when they decided to move out that was when they should have sorted out the 'arrangement'-to take on further commitments on a 30k wage was ridiculous with no support,in opting to move out Op must have been aware of the financial implications and made adjustments to accomadate the financial strains.

I think they need to discuss this with his family and ask that he receive 'support' from them financially,I also believe that in turning away from the expected life within that culture that the Op should be open minded to supporting her own family with a view to work as soon as possible.

I think that if you did not want to live in a marrige like this, you should not have married a man from a culture that practices looking after family. The situation was very clear from the start, and I think it is very clear that it is not going to change.

SO you need to think about your options. Being a SAHP is a luxury, not a right. I understand your logic of how you going to work will validate his financial choices. BUT - you chose to have a child and you chose to have one in this situation, knowing the financial commitments your DH has.

If your daughter needs food that she is not getting, then you need to work.

And if you are not happy working to put money in the "family pot" as it is clear your situation calls for, then you should be thinking about whether this is the marriage for you.

"Who should be paying HIS mortgage on HIS house then?"

The people that live in it ?

I would stop feeding him personally. I live wit a man who is similarly stubborn and will not discuss serious issues. Sometimes you need to take ridiculously extreme and seemingly stupid action to make them realise.

Then when he asks where is his food say "sorry, there isn't enough money to feed all of us and you've chosen to support your parents with your share"

If she's had to move out of inlaws house because presumably it wasn't going well there, its unlikely she would want to use them as free childcare?
Personally, absolutely no way would I do that. Culturally these MILs will not listen to a word you say on how to raise the child, most of them would absolutely take over & undermine the mother, especially if mil/dil relationship was already a bit rocky
As for people saying dont marry a man from that culture, alot of people dont have much choice in that really, although duno about OP's situation
but I find it so weird that people come here saying like "mil said an annoying comment to me" and everyone is like yanbu, how dare your mil say this she sounds awful! and here the OPs rights are not being given properly and everyone is piling in to critisise.
I bet she has not been treated well in inlaws house, its so common and why else would you be so desperate to leave that you dont even care about the finances you just want to get out asap?
I dont think majority of people here have a clue about this kind of situation so all the criticism is quite unfair. If you had lived with inlaws in such a situation you probably would have a bit more empathy
OP i hope you get it all sorted out, you may be better off asking advice from Muslims though who can understand the situation more.

I feel that if the op and dh were not muslim the response would be v different.

If the culture to look after the parents is accepted then so should the culture of looking after the wife. Double standards to suggest the wife gets a job imo.

How many would tolerate their own dh's doing this? I wouldn't.

I also agree with firawla.

There have been quite a few aibu threads re money and pil or parents. The general consensus is usually to not lend/give money to parents/in laws unless it won't be missed. Not sure why this thread is so different.

I also doubt they would be homeless. There are 2 other sons with full time post grad jobs. Renting elsewhere is a possibility. Can't see them living on the streets.

imagine if a man came into a womens life and said, yes I'll marry you and live the way you have always thought it best and prevails in your culture and have a child with you.
And then turns around and says no, I've changed my mind, you will do what I want, you will move, you will lose the home you've worked on and spent on, you will leave your family, you will work while I stay at home.
And then said she must sell her house, throw her parents out or demand rent, ruin her family relationships and go against everything she believed in.

You'd be calling him an abusive man and giving her the number for womans aid.

The reason she can't feed her child is because SHE forced him to have 2 houses to support, rather than one.

Even if they are not tenants legally, what kind of family stays in a house and doesn't pay their way? Even if his parents can't afford it, if the brothers are living there and working, they should cover the mortgage and bills. If this is not a possibility, why doesn't he move his parents into a rented flat and with his brothers pay the rent (a three way split), look into what benefits they might be entitled to as well. You could then move back into the property or sell it, or rent it privately.

Why not say something like, 'look, I want to discuss this, but I love you and hate the fights that we always get into. I have an idea which might help us all, including your parents who will gain more control over their lives, will you hear me out?' If he says no, then I would question his committment to the relationship TBH.

BTW, I think you should also get a job, there is no reason why you can't do so I assume?

Good luck

The op knew the situation before they married -and wasnt tricked into anything nor has her dh done anything secretly.

Hi OP, I can understand your situation and I don't think YABU but I think you're not seeing the big picture.

I think it's nice that your dh is supporting his parents in their old age, I wouldn't have a problem with that. I don't think he should be supporting his adult brothers though. From what you say it looks like they are paying "rent" though, so they are not freeloading either. I don't think your dh should be paying any household bills at all, that should be for your ils and bils to pay between them. However, if your ils have no income whatsoever I think your dh should also give them a little money every month, for paying their share of the bills and for their other expenses. I think it's one of the great things of our culture (I come from that part of the world too) that children feel obliged to take on the responsibility of supporting their parents who cannot work anymore. Think of your dh's home as an investment property. Sure you don't live there, but you do still have the benefit of knowing that it's there for you eventually while being used now as a home for your ils.

Being a Muslim I also support your right to be able to look after your young child while your husband provides for you. Harsh as it is though, 30K is not a salary that affords that kind of set up. Your dh already had the commitment of having a mortgage before your marriage. He couldn't just get rid of the house as his parents are still living there. I really can't understand how he's managed to pay half a mortgage on one house, a rent on another, and bills on two houses earning only £30K. If you've managed to get by upto now and don't want to leave your daughter to go to work, I'd just stay as you are and accept the situation. It sounds like you are (understandably) tired of living hand to mouth so I think you need to get a job even if you don't want to.

By telling her to get a job you are all asking her to subsidise his bloody parents as well!!! WHy should she get a job to subsidise her in-laws house?

You have a full-time job already looking after your daughter, so ignore people who tell you you should work when you already are working.
Why should the OP put her daughter in a daycare to be raised by strangers just because her husband can't get his shit together? The money's available. Why should she go out and work to help line the pocket of some rich fat guy at the top of some corporation, when she's making an important contribution to society already by raising her daughter?

By all means, start studying or looking for jobs if thats what you want to do. Unless your husband changes his priorities you might have to take matters into your own hands anyway. He has to take his new family seriously. You're not an add-on to his extended family. You are his family.

Your husband has to grow a spine and stand up to his parents. He has to realise that he has no right to spend the family money on them.
The money your husband earns is not his money: it's yours and your childs too. In my view he (and they) are stealing from you and your son.

Before anyone jumps on me about the daycare comment, I put my baby in daycare in the mornings too. The point is I'm not putting him in there because my husband thinks his money belongs to him and therefore I have no choice.

London is crammed full of very good muslim women who are doctors and lawyers and all sorts. There is no obligation in Islam that women don't work. Those families are able to provide better for elderly parents, send children to private schools etc and it's because women work and work hard. You can be a muslim woman and work. Sometimes the right thing to do for children is to work and if there are no relatives to look after the children there are plenty of good forms of childcare.

Also do sort out the legal issues over the house, who gets it if he dies, who now owns shares in it otherwise if he dies you are left high and dry.

Xenia no one said that Muslim women shouldn't work. They can work, but only if they (the women themselves) wanted to. They have the right to stay at home and be looked after if they wish, the husband doesn't have the right to disagree with that arrangement.

My MIL wanted us to move in with them (cultural thing) I thought it was a lovely idea, let's play happy families sort of thing. I could work, she could look after the babies.
IN the end we didn't. Thank GOD!! What a f*cking mistake that would have been.[
Your entire world view changes when you have a child in ways that you can never predict before you have one. You have to adapt to that change. You can't say 'well we decided ABC before we had a child so now that's how it's staying. Having a child changes EVERYTHING

having a child doesn't mean you can dictate what the entire rest of the family does. having a child doesn't exempt you from respect and compromise and being a human being.

I cant believe this is stil going!

And i stil dont get why what she wants is more important that what he wants. At the moment they are living the same way they have for a year, the way they agreed to live, and now she wants to change things, and fuck the rest, life doesnt work like that.

Its not a womans choice whether she work or not, what if all the men decided not to work too, it just doesnt work, theres no equallity in that view. If the family can afford for a one parent to stay at home thats great if one parent wants to, if they cant afford it tough and you GET A JOB.

The op has stated she wants the extras in life, her husband is already supporting their basic life, if she wants the extras she can get a bloody job. Welocme to the real world honey. this guy has a prior commitment to an existing assest, and he has a duty, so he sees it to the parental home. His brothers are paying towards this, They need to pay more. Although as the op doesdnt know how much this is thats irrelevant really. THE HOUSE BELONGS TO HIM. They will lose this asset if the op gets her way, how selfish to deprive her daughter her birth right because she doesnt fancy working!

Im shocked people are going along with this.