My DH pays his parents mortgage while we dont have enough for food

[thisiswhereidrawtheline]

Years before we were married, my DH bought a house, in which his parents and siblings moved in. My DH was the sole payer of the mortgage although his brothers had full time jobs and avergae pay each.

About a year before we married, DH did the house up completely. He did a double extension and spent £60,000 in total on the house. He did this believing that he would live in that house forever, with his wife and his parents. We were in a relationship then although not engaged to be married when he made these choices. He just assumed that I would be OK with this lifestyle when he made such a huge financial committment to this house.

When we married, I moved in there with them, but things did not work out between me and his mother. We had constant ups and down, and finally, we moved out.

It has been a year since the move, yet my DH still pays the mortgage and all the bills are direct debits from his bank account still. His two brothers now help towards the mortgage - although I dont know how regular that is because he is very hush hush about the whole thing. Every time I try to bring up the issue, he gets very defensive and we always end up fighting. We have had many many bitter fights over this in the past year.

We are now at a point where I there is hardly any money for food in our house due to his financial contributions to the other house. It is obvious that with this situation, we have no money whatsoever for going out for a meal, movie or shopping, eveni n the cheapest of stores. So we dont, adn we spend most of our spare time either at his parents house or mine.

I dont work because I have a DD who I look after at home.

I am at breaking point now, as I am so sick and tired of being skint. The worst part of all this is however, not even that.

Its that feeling of worthlessness; because me and my DD must be of less value and worth if he has put all of his extended family before us, and has carried on doing so regardless of the financial crisis that we are in.

Yes I think its reasonable he stops or dramatically reduces payments now.

I used to spend money on things prior to dcs that I had to stop when they arrived.

Yes it does. And he was able to provide for his wife child AND parents in the house he bought specifically for that purpose, according to his culture. She is the one who changed everything, she is the one who wanted it to be different. Honestly, she sounds spoilt and demanding, IMO.
And jungslist sounds bonkers as conkers, getting so irate over someone elses homelife!

i think the crux of it is:

should the OP accept that he has and more importantly, WANTS, this responsibility towards his parents? it is unreasonable of her to sy just stop paying the mortgage, because then no-one benefits
the house is a long-term investment which will benefit her and her daughter one day

so she can either insist he stops and supports only them, so that she can stay at home

or, she accepts that he will be paying some money towards the other house and she gets a job to help make ends meet or to pay for luxuries once in a while

Ok. So there are three brothers, yes? Two of them live in the house with their parents.

The way I see it:

• two brothers should be paying "rent" equivalent to 2/3 of the mortgage. They should also be paying their share of the bills, lets say half as there are four adults living in the house.

• the three brothers should be sharing their parents' share of the "rent" and bills, so the remaining 1/3 of the mortgage and half of the bills should be split three ways.

So your dh's share should be 1/9 of the mortgage, not half, and 1/6 of the bills - not the whole amount.

Or is this an elder brother thing and all down to pride?

Anyway, your choices seem to be

• move back into your house to save money for treats
• stay where you are with your dh maintaining the status quo and have no money for treats
• stay where you are and dh has a conversation about money with his brothers
• stay where you are and earn your own money.

I don't envy you.

runnybottom, I suspect the op may have gone bonkers living with pil. Not great for anyone involved.

I don't think she sounds spoiled at all. Ime a lot of women in that culture are provided for by the dh. If she should just go and get a job then the pil should sort their own finances. Why is it deemed culturally okay for one but not the other?

I certainly wouldn't tolerate my dh making dc's and I go short so he can play the financial hero for his parents.

neither would I geek, but the problem I have here is the OP seeming to take no responsibility for the mess she finds herself in. From the sound of it he was honest at every stage, and was clear about the path their lives would take. She married him. Now fair enough, there are problems...but at that point it should have been worked on together, compromises sought, some understanding of his family and culture (and hers, equally).
But this read as me me me, I want this I want that, and he is supposed to cut off his parents and please only the wife. Poor guy, caught between his 2 families.

OP should get a job

and no childcare costs as PIL could look after her child in lieu of financial contribution

The key thing to me here is the other brothers. it appears they are working, but are not paying their fair share - for the house or the support of their parents. If I was the OP that would piss me off greatly - discounting any cultural obiligations.

The dh needs to sit down with his family and agree a split on rent and bills. Others have already provided some rough calculations on a fair split.

tell him to sell the house - get it valued for him and show him the figures

Op, you have a huge attitude problem, and the same sense of entitlement as I suppose his siblings and parents have. Poor man, I pity him.

You refuse to find a job to help your own family, because your husband is ALSO paying down on a home that he, and in turn YOU through marriage own.

Get a job, and some perspective, woman!

OP should get a job

real easy to say....

i think the issue here is the OPs other half has a mjor financial committmen outside the marriag - it isn't his house in toto anyore becuase 1) others have contributed to the morgage and ) someone else lives there..

OP you need to ask for something to change. But you need to be realistic - he can't just ask his parents to leave he house without having somewhere else to go. He can ask his brothers to contribute mor - though this may cost him equity in the house.

what is his long-term plan? He can't expect you to put up with this forver,

Why should op get a job? Why cant pil pay their way, assuming they have pensions etc.

In the muslim culture don't the 'children' look after the elders but also support the wives and their own dc's?

As sahm will argue, she has a job, an unpaid one in the home and could afford to continue this if changes were made.

Oh you lot should be used to me by now! At one point I would have been happy to storm round to their house and chuck the parents out myself. Have calmed down now. at bonkers as conkers

junglist,your name has been top of my active convo's all afternoon!!!

Got carried away as usual. I still agree with myself though

I still agree with you too.

and me

Oh good. Hope OP is OK, um, I don't want to be making people more pissed off than they would have been ordinarily. She packed her bags

i love that the OP left aaaaaaaaaages ago and we're all still here arguing the toss over whether or not her husbands parents should get out the house

i think dp may be right about my obsession with the internet

This thread is irritating on so many levels:

1. Vagueness and woolly-headedness about money
2. Unwillingness to go and earn and make a financial contribution in a cash-strapped situation
3. Shifting goal posts - first by moving in with PILs in an extended family situation, then moving out, then getting irritated by the chap supporting his parents
4. Suggestion of tax fraud ...

Hi there OP - I read and then started skimming at page 8.

My perspective - I'm from a mixed background and some of it from what you are experiencing. So I grew up and circumnavigated the bits I didn't want and all was OK but somehow then married someone from an entirely different culture who is like that but more so.Agh - I thought I could deal and I can't.

I can understand the united family and supporting parents (they'd have supported him as my parents supported me) and that's where my culture differs from the 'you marry and ignore your blood relatives' posters - it's hard to do and you've done your best to make the most of the exended family scenario and appreciate it.

But you don't know the score and the rest of the family does. That's very wrong.

My situation is slightly different in that we've suffered as dh has played along to his family's tune eg - he bought his 'inheritance' at a time we wanted to buy a property - so he used his part of the cash to buy his inheritance and we saved again and bought later - only that when we bought later bought our home the cost £150k more (rising prices in the UK) - mil lives in his property - which I don't mind - but it's worth jack shit and recently she got dh to spend loads of time and money (the property is abroad) to put it into ds's name - well to do that it cost about 1/3 of the value of the property and also I feel it was done to make sure I could never get my hands on it and it certainly won't benefit ds now or in the future.

So I'm in a situation like you - I'm the wife to my dh but not his family - and that's what gets me and I think that's what gets you.

I'm happy mil lives there - she needs a home - but it's nothing to do with me but takes up alot of dh's time and effort.

My salary got us our property - and I paid everything until I gave up work to have ds - I've sinced worked and since become a sahm. DH very keen for me to work again so we can upgrade property - I'm holding off as I feel I'm the facilitor in everything and not family. We only ever spend time and money going to mil's - if I work we'll go to mil's more often and if I work to buy a bigger property the extra bedroom will be for mil. My view is why the feck should I now go back to work when it suits him when I have no idea of my dh's property situation particularly when he has a joint bank account with mil and not with me.

I entirely see where you're coming from and I'm not even in a position where we're struggling as you are - we have lost out alot but not struggling to that degree.

So, don't work - but you suffer economically, but if you work you'll feel resentful for subsidising all of this.

You need to talk to him as this property will never be entirely his even if it's in his name - it will go to his family and I think you know that. It's the family property. Rent or no rent is pretty minor in the long term.

You do have rights as his wife but he can transfer whenever he wants and if you challenge it it's a challenge to your marriage.

You need to think about how you feel and communicate to him the affects of this on you, your family, your feelings and your aspirations.

I'm sorry you're in the situation - it's very fuzzy.

yes Geek in Muslim culture the dh has to support his wife and dcs aswell as the parents, as the OP mentioned earlier but people started flaming about it, it is seen as our right not to work, and the duty of the dh to provide. whether people agree with it or not, thats how it is according to the religion so OP was not really BU in feeling that way about work

OP's husband is Indian, she didn't say muslim? More likely Hindu I would have thought.