My DH pays his parents mortgage while we dont have enough for food

[thisiswhereidrawtheline]

Years before we were married, my DH bought a house, in which his parents and siblings moved in. My DH was the sole payer of the mortgage although his brothers had full time jobs and avergae pay each.

About a year before we married, DH did the house up completely. He did a double extension and spent £60,000 in total on the house. He did this believing that he would live in that house forever, with his wife and his parents. We were in a relationship then although not engaged to be married when he made these choices. He just assumed that I would be OK with this lifestyle when he made such a huge financial committment to this house.

When we married, I moved in there with them, but things did not work out between me and his mother. We had constant ups and down, and finally, we moved out.

It has been a year since the move, yet my DH still pays the mortgage and all the bills are direct debits from his bank account still. His two brothers now help towards the mortgage - although I dont know how regular that is because he is very hush hush about the whole thing. Every time I try to bring up the issue, he gets very defensive and we always end up fighting. We have had many many bitter fights over this in the past year.

We are now at a point where I there is hardly any money for food in our house due to his financial contributions to the other house. It is obvious that with this situation, we have no money whatsoever for going out for a meal, movie or shopping, eveni n the cheapest of stores. So we dont, adn we spend most of our spare time either at his parents house or mine.

I dont work because I have a DD who I look after at home.

I am at breaking point now, as I am so sick and tired of being skint. The worst part of all this is however, not even that.

Its that feeling of worthlessness; because me and my DD must be of less value and worth if he has put all of his extended family before us, and has carried on doing so regardless of the financial crisis that we are in.

"Put simply, if DH is playing by the cultural rules of supporting parents/extended family, then so will I - I have a RIGHT to be supported just as much as them! "

The problem for both of you is that those rules work when there is one joint household. The traditional way of supporting parents AND wife and child is to have them all in the same house...a situation which was changed in accordance with your needs.

That's why you need to talk carefully with each other about the dilemma you are in. In terms of cultural expectations maybe it would help to look at one thing another way: Your DH DID support you to move out of his parents house, he didn't insist you stay - imagine how much worse it would be if you were still in the house and in constant friction with your MIL!

This thread being in AIBU isn't helping!

Sit down with your DH and talk it all through calmly and ask him for his thoughts, and how his brothers feel. But do remember that the house is an investment.

Actually, here's a thought - could you borrow against it? That may be a bad idea.

I wouldn't be nice if my children went without to feed her, no. Children are the priority or else you have no right to bring them into the world!! His parents should fuck OFF

geekoftheweek, because his alternative is making them homeless

tell me honestly you'd do that in his situation? because i don't believe anyone would
he was already supporting them when he met the op, and aside from that it would presumably cause a massive family rift if he suddenly pulled out of this and took away their home too

be reasonable here... we;ve ALL said yes, he needs to be giving them less, the other brothers need to pay more, but he still has a responsibility to them too

junglist... you're being really quite unpleasant now.

calm down a bit.

According to the thread title they don't have enough money for food. Hardly an extra is it? So, no he isn't supporting his wife and child if they can't afford food.

FWIW I do think the op needs to get a job. Not because I agree he should put his extended family first but for her dd's sake.

Personally, I'm with Morloth, he wouldn't be my dh anymore either.

Then why have children he can't afford, and then tell his WIFE to either pay for the children herself or live on sod all?

Read the op - shes atating its for the movies shopping and going out for meals!

Ok, have skimmed but not read everything.

I think it is wrong for a married couple to dictate to each other like this. It's not a marriage if you don't let each other have some access into each other's lives. If my DP were paying a mortgage on a house he owns but letting his parents live there, I'd expect to have imput on the situation. If the situation has left the OP's family financially uncomfortable, she is right to worry and feel insulted.

Equally, the OP should take her husband's opinion into account when she decides not to earn money. It's unacceptable to opt to be non-earning if your partner is deeply unhappy with this and your situation would allow you to work.

However, the two situations should not be used as bargaining chips against each other. The husband is being a controlling twunt if he thinks that letting his wife stay home not working gives him automatic right to spend their money in a way she can't approve.

I don't understand why people seem to think married couples can act like flatmates.

junglist1 "Then why have children he can't afford, and then tell his WIFE to either pay for the children herself or live on sod all?"

Who knows? Doesn't matter anymore. The DD needs supporting and OP doesn't think that is being done, so OP needs to change stuff.

I'm not unpleasant, I'm angry that the OP, who has a young child, HAS to work because her crappy H is prioritising people who had money and lost it all. It's not right

junglist, the op isn't some wet little wifelet sitting at home not knowing up from down

she went into this jointly with him knowing the situation
she knew that he would be supporting his parents and was ok with it
she gave it a go living with them, but they moved out at HER insistence. that is why they hav no money

whether or not YOU agree with him supporting family is entirely irrelevant. it is important to him, and she agreed with it. it has to stand. how much he supports them is something they need to sort out between them though,

he didn't have children he couldn't support. THEY had one child that he can and does support, and would be able to support better had his initial plans of them living together worked

thos plans didn't work, and now the OP is throwing her toys out of the crib instead of just going and getting a job and making life easier for everyone

i second thisisyesterday

According to the thread title they don't have enough money for food. Hardly an extra is it? So, no he isn't supporting his wife and child if they can't afford food.

FWIW I do think the op needs to get a job. Not because I agree he should put his extended family first but for her dd's sake.

Personally, I'm with Morloth, he wouldn't be my dh anymore either.

IMO if she has to work when she doesn't want she should divorce him, ONLY because they could be comfortable on his salary. Maybe there'll respect you when you get half of everything eh

Read the op - shes stating its for the movies shopping and going out for meals!

and she has already said she had no intention of divorcing him because aside from this their relationship is great

so why keep banging on about it?

the title also says he is paying his parents mortgage, since that isn't true I imagine the op is exaggerating about not having any food? She does have a broadband connection clearly.

Doesn't sound like the op has any respect for her dh or his family or his culture. She wants to sit at home while he works and his family out on the street.

And the plans didn't work because it was too much to expect of the OP in the first place. She tried it and lo and behold she didn't want to live with her MIL!

On the one hand I don't agree that OP's DH is spending money hand over fist on his parents and do believe that some changes should be made BUT as PP's have said, this situation was known to the OP before they married and had a child. I also think that it's their responsibility to support their child, not just his. If I was in her situation I would go all out to change it and do the best I could for my daughter, I wouldn't not go back to work out of bitterness. I think if you want to stay home with your child and you can afford it then that's great. If the money isn't there then I'm afraid I don't see many options.

Oops, , sorry connection problems.

"We are now at a point where I there is hardly any money for food in our house due to his financial contributions to the other house. It is obvious that with this situation, we have no money whatsoever for going out for a meal, movie or shopping, eveni n the cheapest of stores. So we dont, adn we spend most of our spare time either at his parents house or mine."

Yes, her op includes 'extras' but as shown in above quote (and thread title) it also mentions food in the house.

babydubs - that was an example, probably a bad example I used. The original post said that we didnt have enough money for food shopping, let alone going out etc, so please dont take it out of context.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your input and thoughts.

I am going to my parents for a few days because I need some space and time away to think. I dont have internet access there so wont be able to access MN.
Just packing now - I feel really sad now at everything, the whole situation.
Somethings got to be done, and I'll probably be the one doing it.
thanks again to everyone.

thisisyesterday, I doubt they would be homeless with 2 other bil with post grad ft jobs. Renting elsewhere is an option.

I wouldn't support my parents to the detriment of my dc's.

Fwiw I wouldn't stay in the marriage either.

Megatron, I think thats part of the problem, they could afford it if he wasn't paying for pil.

they could afford it if he wasn't paying for them, but is it really reasonable to expect him to stop now? it's clearly very important to him and the op knew it would be like that

cutting back how much he pays? absolutely! as others have said, the parents will presumably have some kind of pension? and the other brotherws ought to be the ones paying bills etc on the house

but i think pepole are getting carried away saying she should divorce him or just up and sell the house etc etc
he sounds like essentially a good man, who is trying to please far too many people

runnybottom, respect re the culture goes both ways. As the op said, as part of the culture it is the dhs job to provide for wife and dcs.

I also wouldn't say she is 'sitting at home' she is looking after 14month old dd. As many sahm argue on here, that is a full time job.

What a horrible situation. I only skimmed the thread, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating things.

Maybe your husband could go to his parents and tell them that although it is his duty to provide for them, it is making his duty to provide for his family almost impossible and he needs to work something else out. Since his parents have previously offered to move out of the house, this would suggest that they would be reasonable about it.

If it is your husbands responsibility to support his parents, then presumably it is also his brothers? You didn't say how old his brothers are, but if they're studying, they can also work part-time.

Maybe a fair solution would be to agree to split the mortgage equally between the brothers, your husband and his parents, and the bills etc equally between his parents and brothers. I don't see why this would be so hard for them - my parents are both on state pensions and manage to pay for all their bills etc.

I really hope that you manage to work something out x