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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think CM's weight shouldn't be a deal breaker?

98 replies

Kariba29 · 12/05/2010 15:10

I have a DD who is nearly 5 months, i will be going back to work full time soon so have been looking and interviewing potential childminders, i have made my decision, and have decided on one lady, unfortunately DH is not keen , because he is worried as she is 'overweight' he is worried she will feed DD'the wrong kind of foods'

This (food/weight)is a very emotional topic in our house as DH was an overweight child and was bullied throughout school, unfortunately CM's DCs are also overweight,

I have suggested to DH that DD will take her own food to CM but DH is still not keen

However AIBU to think CM's weight shouldnt be a deal breaker for us to choose her as our CM?

OP posts:

mumblechum · 12/05/2010 15:11

It shouldn't be a dealbreaker. I chose c/m when mine were little by how tidy their houses were. Too tidy house - not enough attention for the children.

colditz · 12/05/2010 15:13

CM's weight shouldn't be a deal brekaer. i feed myself shit - I feed my children awesomely.

if her own children are visibly obese, however, it's hints towards her overfeeding THEM would therefore put me off if you would be using her full time.

Bingtata · 12/05/2010 15:17

It isn't a dealbreaker for you, but it clearly is for your DH so that should be enough shouldn't it? You both need to be happy with your choice of childcare, for whatever reason. This issue isn't just something your DH has taken against on a whim, this is a longstanding issue for him.

You say you have 'made your decision' but you are both her parents, it is isn't just yours to make.

SloanyPony · 12/05/2010 15:17

Well this is a tricky one really. I heard of a study recently that showed a strong link between daughters and mothers eating habits, basically if the mother had food issues the daughter was very high risk of picking them up, yet the son not so much, it was very much daughter/mother.

Whether it translates to child minders or not - and whether its that early on in life or a bit later - probably not really but I can see what your DH means. I wouldn't worry about feeding the wrong thing, you can have a say in that, its more about general attitudes to food, picking up on habits etc.

But you wouldn't judge a slim woman in the same way yet a slim woman might have food issues or talk about dieting or overeat as well - all things that this CM may NEVER do in front of the children or otherwise (though her size implies she may overeat, if there are no medical reasons for her size)

I wouldn't personally let it be a dealbreaker if everything about her was telling you she was the one. Definitely not.

runnybottom · 12/05/2010 15:18

I think your DH's feelings are valid, and if its important to him, look elsewhere.
Personally I think you should find a cm that has at least vaguely the same approach to child rearing as you do as parents.
If the childminder was very overweight and her children were also visibly overweight I would personally not place my child with her.

LutyensVotes · 12/05/2010 15:43

Personally, the fact that your dh is not comfortable with this cm for whatever reason should be reason enough to reconsider. He is also a parent carrying an equal say in the child's care; his opinions should carry equal weight to yours. Find a cm you both are comfortable with, or at least not unhappy with.

To the original question, the cm's weight wouldn't put me off but if her dc were also overweight, then it is an absolute deal breaker for me. Just as if her dc looked uncared for or too scruffy (not normal-child-scruffy, I'm talking old stains on clothes, unwashed faces, dried snot etc etc)

Missus84 · 12/05/2010 15:56

I wouldn't be bothered if a CM was overweight, so long as she was still fit and healthy enough to run around after active children, take them out for walks and to the park etc. If her lifestyle was generally sedentary then that would bother me.

Overweight children would put me off though, as it suggests that her general approach to food and exercise for children isn't great.

Did she have a menu for you to look at?

Ronaldinhio · 12/05/2010 15:57

up to your dh how he discriminates

Thediaryofanobody · 12/05/2010 15:59

Ordinarily it wouldn't be a problem with me but the fact that her own children are over weight too would be a problem. After all if she can't look after her own child's health regarding food why would she care more about my children?

SloanyPony · 12/05/2010 16:24

How overweight is overweight? She's not just chunky is she, with slightly chunky kids?

I trust you mean properly in the obese category, all of them?

Original poster

Kariba29 · 12/05/2010 16:34

SloanyPony i would say she was definetly more chunky than obese same goes with the kids, thats why im trying to convince DH it shouldnt matter, might be wrong but probably a size 22-26

Missus84 no i didnt look at a menu as she said she didnt have one for a child as young as my DD

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 12/05/2010 16:35

I would look elsewhere. Being overweight has disadvantages besides the risk of being bullied. You should take into account the energy level of the CM, as well as ask yourself whether you think she uses food instead of activities/ trips to the park/ walks/ active play to keep the children occupied/ distracted. And your DH's opinion matters as much s yours where his child is concerned and who will be entrusted with her care.

TotalChaos · 12/05/2010 16:38

I would look elsewhere. CM being overweight - no issue - but I can see why CM's children being overweight would be offputting to your DH.

fragola · 12/05/2010 16:41

Your husband may have a point. A friend of mine had a great cm, but her and her dc were very overweight. Her children constantly ate crisps, chocolate and fizzy drinks, and despite my friend telling her that she didn't want her dd eating them, her children were eating them all the time, so it was inevitable that her dd did too. DD went from drinking nothing but water and milk, to demanding pop constantly. In the end they parted ways.

runnybottom · 12/05/2010 17:01

size 22-26 IS obese!

porcamiseria · 12/05/2010 17:21

agree, his opinion counts too, if anything does go wrong he can always throw it back in your face, suggest he get one you BOTH like

the overweight chuildren would worry me too TBH

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 12/05/2010 17:29

CM's weight should not be a deal-breaker.

Your DDs father's views, OTOH, most certainly should be. Whoever looks after your DD will become a very important part of your family and it is really important all members of your family should be in agreement and happy.

So back to the drawing board...

mayorquimby · 12/05/2010 17:31

if he's not comfortable with the CM then yabu

IndigoSky · 12/05/2010 17:33

I think it has to be someone you both feel comfortable with tbh.

If your dd turns out to be a fat child then you don't want your dh blaming you because of the childminder you chose, however irrelevant or otherwise that might have been in her becoming fat.

Kewcumber · 12/05/2010 17:35

"size 22-26 IS obese!" - too bloody right and I speak as one who in that category.

It would not bother how large my CMwas but her childrne being overwight too would worry me. My DS hardly has a spare pound of flesh on him, he gets healthy meals and at four understands that he needs healthy foods to grow big and strong but that chocolate etc is just a nice treat but doens;t help you grow.

Of couse it aslo depends how much sh ewill be eating there - if like my DS it was breakfast lunch and dinner for 3 days a week (or more) then it might be a problem, if its only lunch then probably not a big deal.

foureleven · 12/05/2010 17:54

For me, Im afriad this would be a deal breaker.

I am very upset by children who are over weight. Its usually not just bad food but poor exercise as well.

I actually beleive that over feeding your children is neglectful and I would not have a neglectful person minding my children.

SloanyPony · 12/05/2010 18:00

My 6 month old baby is overweight. (I think they can be overweight - she's off the chart, by a fair bit)

She has not been overfed but to be fair school aged children who are overweight, properly overweight, tend to be either overfed, fed the wrong things, or very sedentary, or a combo.

Its scary to think how much you do get judged if your children are overweight. My daughter was more than 9 pounds born so she had a head start and she's just very big. She is also off the chart for height but people just look at her and say "my goodnes!" etc.

Okay so she will level out, as my son did, as they dont tend to have sugary snacks as the norm, are active, and tend to just grow up but not out once they've done the chunky thing (my son has not gained any weight for a year and a half and he's only 2 and a half)

But its sobering to read it in black and white, words like "neglectful" etc though I do agree that it can be.

need a glass of wine now...

foureleven · 12/05/2010 18:02

oh bless you sloany pony I dont mean 6 month olds you daft so and so!

My daughter was 'overweight' as a baby too.

When I read OP I had the impression the 'children' not babies were old enough to be classed as worryingly over weight.

porcamiseria · 12/05/2010 18:04

sloaney, I dont see in a little six month chunker (I love chubby babies) in the same way as children, not at all. we all know that babies go all over the scale! under and over

but its so hard when its kids that choose what they eat, and can exercise too...

anyway, off tangent

foureleven · 12/05/2010 18:04

Also OP, if you had a concern about the childminder and your DH/DP belittled it and said you had to send DD there anyway, I doubt you'd be very happy.

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