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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to pay for their education?

230 replies

Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:40

Namechanged as I have a feeling I will get judged and lynched here.
My fiance' and I are in the process of moving in together. He and his Son are moving to my house (with me and my DS) as teh house is bigger and more spacious and also because I own it, not rent.
DF and I have have a lot in common but we have led pretty different lives up until now. I have a professional career and savings, DF works in Halfords and has no savings. I didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway last night DF mentioned something about when his son starts my son's school. (My son goes private) and this suprised me as I thought he had no money! So I casually asked how he'd got the fees together. He looked at me really suspiciously and said "you have loads of savings". So to cut a long story short, he assumed I would be paying for his DS's education when he comes to live here and not only that, but his daughter's also who lives with her mother!!! I feel a bit used and I'm starting to wonder if money is more of a kmotivation to him moving here than our relationship is.
I know the boys would have to be treat the same and have the same opportunities but is it really right that I have to use my savings to put his child through private school? or aibu?

In the past year or so I have bought his DS clothes, paid for his passport, paid for a school trip he had as DF couldn't find the money and also paid for a day to Alton Towers for us all. I'm not tight but putting another child through private will eat at my savings.

OP posts:
MPuppykin · 08/05/2010 15:00

firsttimemum77 - I always thought so! 'Twas her third marriage and she has 'divorced increasingly well' as my DH puts it. (Now I am being bitchy!).

[shrug]

MPuppykin · 08/05/2010 15:02

Batty koda... he DID stick to his promise. And they were not his children... trying to change the rules afterwards is not playing fair, IMO. (Although tbh, I never liked her and this is colouring my opinion).

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 15:04

Did he stick to it through choice, or because the courts told him to though?

MPuppykin · 08/05/2010 15:07

Oh, and just to say that there is NOTHING wrong with having more than one marriage (hands up to two here!) my point - badly made- was that this person seemed so calculating about it. (For example, the first time I met her - before she married DH's friend - I asked her what she did as a job, and her reply was - and I quote - 'Oh no, I don't work. I've been really lucky. I've been divorced twice' ). And I am SERIOUS.

Just to say before people think I am being judgy. Not, I pomise.

rosieposey · 08/05/2010 15:08

OMG MPuppukin thats unbelievable!

MPuppykin · 08/05/2010 15:09

Courts I assume, BK. Why else would you do it?

But, do you not think that then trying to dip in again is just a little bit off?

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 15:11

Because you made a promise, a promise that involves children.

It depends on the circumstances, really.

MPuppykin · 08/05/2010 15:14

Yes, well I confess it drastically coloured my opinion of the woman. DH was pretty certain though that she was being flippant. I honestly do not know. Maybe.

anyway, sorry for mini-hijack OP.

SugarMousePink · 08/05/2010 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BattyKoda · 08/05/2010 15:17

OP buggered off anyway

Think I'm slightly over senstive to the way people jump on posts when they nothing of the situation. I'm being a bit 'devil's advocate' today

BrandyAlexander · 08/05/2010 15:22

OP, hope you listen to all the advice on here! Its one thing if you were paying for this out of disposable income AND you wouldn't mind if the relationship broke down somehere down the line and you were still paying for the kids years afterwards out of the disposable income..... quite another when all of this would be coming out of your savings and would affect YOUR child.

I do semi-agree with Xenia actually. I genuinely believe in "what's mine is yours and vice versa", however I think it creates a difficult situation when there is such a disparity between the income of each person AND the lower earner is thoughtless about the use of the "joint" money. Think carefully.

pigletmania · 08/05/2010 15:22

Well batty does not look good from what the op has said about him does it really. As the op said she is a busy lady and unlike most of us is not superglued to MN ya know

queenclarion · 08/05/2010 15:22

OP - this is a very serious problem. I don't think there is an easy answer.

If you and you DP live together with a son each, I would expect those boys to be treated absolutely equally. To me, this does include attending the same school, as step brothers. I know that financially, that is extremely difficult for you and not fair to you either, but those boys have to be treated equally, otherwise they will both end up suffering.

There is also a chance that you will have another child with this man so that child would also need to be treated in the same way as your first son and his first son. Would you propose to educate your first son and your joint child privately and send his first son to a different school?

Unless you are extremely rich and the school fees won't impact you financially, I can't see the way forwards. In your position, I would not allow him to move in because I can see no way that it would be fair to everybody.

electra · 08/05/2010 15:26

I haven't read the whole thread but my take on it is this;

if you are really sure about this and could see yourself adopting his children then all the children should be treated the same in my opinion, for many reasons.

But it must be awful for you to be worrying that maybe he's in this to sponge off you only. Poor you - I think you need to talk with him a lot and get this all thrashed out.

electra · 08/05/2010 15:28

queenclarion is right - good post

amicissima · 08/05/2010 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

electra · 08/05/2010 15:33

amicissima - I think that with step relationships there is far more potential for the children to be damaged by what they see as unfair and this will make for toxic relationships in the future and possibly, damaged people.

pigletmania · 08/05/2010 15:33

Electra the dh dcs have a mother thats around why would she be adopting them Sounds like a sponge if ever i saw one.

warthog · 08/05/2010 15:33

only you know if he's a sponger.

but if he moves in you will have to treat them all the same.

i wouldn't rush into it!!

amicissima · 08/05/2010 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foureleven · 08/05/2010 16:45

I wouldnt pay this. I wouldnt expect a man to pay this for my daughter if the other way around. In fact i wouldnt allow him to.

Unless you have MASSES of savings and the money wouldnt be missed in which case I think it would be a really nice thing for you to do.

Its more the fact that he has taken it for granted that would piss me off!

veritythebrave · 08/05/2010 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

veritythebrave · 08/05/2010 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foureleven · 08/05/2010 16:54

Def dont do anything until youre married.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 17:05

mq

a family pot of money is where all pay in and things are paid out based on whatever rules are in place for that family

a family pot of money is not where one partner earmarks all the other persons savings for what they want, with no discussion

these are different things.

what is missing in this situation is communication

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