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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to pay for their education?

230 replies

Name1 · 08/05/2010 08:40

Namechanged as I have a feeling I will get judged and lynched here.
My fiance' and I are in the process of moving in together. He and his Son are moving to my house (with me and my DS) as teh house is bigger and more spacious and also because I own it, not rent.
DF and I have have a lot in common but we have led pretty different lives up until now. I have a professional career and savings, DF works in Halfords and has no savings. I didn't think it would be a problem. Anyway last night DF mentioned something about when his son starts my son's school. (My son goes private) and this suprised me as I thought he had no money! So I casually asked how he'd got the fees together. He looked at me really suspiciously and said "you have loads of savings". So to cut a long story short, he assumed I would be paying for his DS's education when he comes to live here and not only that, but his daughter's also who lives with her mother!!! I feel a bit used and I'm starting to wonder if money is more of a kmotivation to him moving here than our relationship is.
I know the boys would have to be treat the same and have the same opportunities but is it really right that I have to use my savings to put his child through private school? or aibu?

In the past year or so I have bought his DS clothes, paid for his passport, paid for a school trip he had as DF couldn't find the money and also paid for a day to Alton Towers for us all. I'm not tight but putting another child through private will eat at my savings.

OP posts:
junglist1 · 08/05/2010 17:42

IMO what's yours is mine only works if you're on a equal financial footing. I wouldn't expect to finance a man like he was my child, sorry

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 18:08

Horses for courses innit

When I earnt loads more than DH it was fine

When I have been on mat leave and then into a lower paid part time role it's been fine

Depends on the family, relationships, communication and trust

Having said that the house is mainly in my name...

PLus

I think salaries and working out spending is one
Savings are different, for one person to decide to spend all the other one's savings just stinks

ImSoNotTelling · 08/05/2010 18:09

Each to their own and all that

But what this bloke has done is wrong in anyone's book

Xenia · 08/05/2010 18:47

Well do take on board the legal points about living together and marrying too because you get in too deep.

I liked this one... "- tell your DF you are looking forward to getting married very much. You want to get pregnant as soon as possible and become a SAHM. You will both live off your savings whilst he works towards his promotions.
Come back and give us his response, please."

That might flush out his intentions.

kickassangel · 08/05/2010 18:47

the 'kindest' reading of the situation is that he likes/loves you & has a very naive understanding of money. he thinks that you're 'loaded' (you sound sensible & safe, not loaded) and that being with you means he can live the life of reilly. hence, he moves in, you go on glamorous holidays, send kids private etc etc, and he's possibly been boasting about 'marrying rich'.

that is the BEST scenario i can think of. the worst is that this is a deliberate con & if you let him move in he will take every penny off you.

mumzy · 08/05/2010 18:49

If he really wants his children to go to private school he should at least get a better paid job and contribute a substantial proportion of this to the school fees and not just rely on you to fork out. I have no good feelings about this situation, sorry!

miku · 08/05/2010 18:59

y'know, you can still have a good relationship and live separately...where money is concerned, itll be the end of you unless its fair n square......sounds like the alarm bells are already ringing.listen to your heart, girl, cos once you go down that road........

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 08/05/2010 19:11

Goodness, what a situation to find yourself in.

I wouldn't marry this man, I wouldn't let him move into my house either. He and his ex have been scheming behind your back and have been making plans on how to spend your savings. I would never even consider asking my ex's wife to pay school fees for ds, this responsibility falls on his father and me, no one else.

By the way, legally, if you let him move in and he makes one payment towards your mortgage then he can go after some of the equity in your house. You need to be really careful. A contribution towards food/electricity etc is OK but never towards the mortgage.

catinthehat2 · 08/05/2010 19:15

Hmm.

What happens if the savings run out and you can only pay for 1 child at private school? Whose kid keeps the golden ticket?

CheerfulYank · 08/05/2010 19:26

The thing I find hardest to swallow is that he expects you to pay for the child who doesn't even live with you.

Is the local non-private school a complete shit-hole?

Ivykaty44 · 08/05/2010 19:32

If this man wants his children to go to a private school he needs to sort this out with the other parent and see if that is a priority for there children and if they can afford it.

if you ask someone eles to pay for a private education for the children then they use up all there savings then the money runs out - well that will mena a great upheavel for those chidlren which would be silly, three children to pay for is a bit different to one.

i remebr the tv sit com aout a midwife and an undertaker - they were poles aprt and his dd's went to the private school and her dc went to the local comp - thats how it si when you are poles appart.

beside it isn't just the school fees - which will be 15k a yyear at a cheaper end private school - it is the unirform, and extra activities - they add up and would this doyfriend want to pay for this or would he want the op to pay for the extras?

i wouldn't shack up with someone and expeect them to pay for my childs education if there childrern went to private school. I wouldn't expect for that money to come out of the pot eaither.

can I ask is this boyfriend going to contribute to the household bills mortgage etc?

nearlytoolate · 08/05/2010 19:44

I'm kind of confused that it has got to this tbh. HAven't you discussed how you will arrange your finances when he moves in? Given the complications of multiple step siblings in different households, as well as the income disparity, I find it alarming that you haven't discussed this. Also the whole premise of you 'subbing' him (for petrol and the like for e.g. doesn't sound like an equal and committed relationship (from your side too I have to say - that's not how I'd want to treat the man I was proposing to share my life with). (And to my mind it would be abhorrent to have a 'family' unit with such disparate opportunities, but I suppose it comes with the territory of family break up and reconstitution....)

CheerfulYank · 08/05/2010 19:46

If I were in this situation I think I'd be willing to contribute something toward DSS education, but not the whole bit, and I'd find it odd to do so for a DSD who didn't live with me.

edam · 08/05/2010 19:53

If you get married and don't make a will, sponger man has first dibs on your money - I forget what the limit is now but used to be the first £250k went to the spouse. So if you do plan to marry this man, make a damn good will that protects the interests of your son.

edam · 08/05/2010 19:54

(I mean, if God forbid anything happened to you, you wouldn't want your son being pulled out of school while new stepdaddy takes all the money...)

poshsinglemum · 08/05/2010 19:55

YANBU- why should you pay. That's so presumptious of him. How rude!

poppymouse · 08/05/2010 21:20

Actually, when you are married what is yours is his. This is a nightmare and if I was you I would either never have got into this situation, or I'd be backpedalling rapidly. I don't think it's gold digging to think that once your two families were one the children would all be treated the same, but it needed to have been discussed earlier. His kids may not want to change school, but how are they going to feel if they do? What if they all want to go higher education, your ds can and his can't? That is going to get awkward. You're planning to join your families for life? Brace yourself for a life time of jealousy and resentment.

Quattrocento · 08/05/2010 21:50

I do like Xenia's idea of flushing out his intentions. It occurred to me as well.

How about if you went (sobbing if you can manage to be that theatrical) to your DF explaining that you'd put money into Icelandic saving schemes and your life savings were no more?

Would you see him for dust?

Xenia · 08/05/2010 22:29

I think it was someone else's original idea. The intersting issue is whether we're being sexist. I know two men who both remarried and are paying or paid private school fees for step children. It's not at all rare but I'm sure they offered rather than had it forced on them and I think in both cases they could comfortably afford it. If we reversed the sexes here and she were a he and he had a new low earning wife who worked behind the till at Halfords or whatever loverboy does here... yes I think we'd still object because of the assumptions made by him. It may be that he just thinks she has loads of money and doesn't understand about finances.

veritythebrave · 09/05/2010 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foureleven · 09/05/2010 10:24

I would never allow ex's new partner to pay for my dds schooling. Its a matter of pride.

BigWoof · 09/05/2010 10:25

op what have you decided to do?

foureleven · 09/05/2010 10:27

Have you also considered that when csa calculate maintenance money they will sometimes take in to consideration how much dads new partner earns.. I think the wording is 'if non resident parent is living with a new partner with a way of life significantly different to his' or something like that.

I.e. if you have a wacking great income his ex can ask that it be included when calculating how much he has to give her towards the daughter who is still in her care.

beanlet · 09/05/2010 10:58

OP really has disappeared, hasn't she.

edam · 09/05/2010 11:30

Don't blame her, she's probably having a rather difficult conversation with the new man right now. Or she's digesting her lawyer's advice.

Or just shellshocked - this thread is so unanimous, must be quite difficult to realise that you've so nearly been had.

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