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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why MIL can't just come and visit DD?

99 replies

senseofhumourfailure · 03/05/2010 20:31

I don't know if this is unusual or if I'm just a bit precious about my daughter, but my MIL is forever asking if she can have DD for the day or take her out for the afternoon.

DD is only 21 months and I just find it weird that MIL would rather spend time with DD without DH or I. We go and visit every fortnight for a whole afternoon, and have let her know she is very welcome to come and visit here (which she does occasionally). But she still continues to ask if she can take her out, and has done since she was 6 months old bieng breastfed. I just find it strange that she would rather spend time with her grandaughter without seeing her own DS or DIL. Obviously she wants a relationship with my DD but surely when this young she doesn't need to take her away from her parents?

My family always visit us if they want to see us or we visit them, and it was the same as I was growing up, my sisters and I would visit grandparents with our parents or GP would come to ours. I can remember maybe twice as a teenager gran coming to babysit at ours so parents could go out. So I'm not sure if I'm just thinking that the way I was brought up was the "right way" IYSWIM and grandparents everywhere take babies and toddlers away from their parents instead of visiting?

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 03/05/2010 20:33

I don't think its weird. If anything its lovely she wants to spend some one-on-one time with her granddaughter. Can understand you feeling anxious about it though

primarymum · 03/05/2010 20:33

She probably thinks you would appreciate a breather/time just for the two of you!

SecretPollingBooth · 03/05/2010 20:35

do you mean take her for a walk or whatever?
SHe's maybe trying to give you a break / some time alone
I'd bite her hand off! In fact I do - both mum and MIL have taken DS out for the day snce I've been on ML and I have really enjoyed the time to spend time playing with DD and catching up with housework and MNing when she's asleep

drowninginclutter · 03/05/2010 20:36

I think you are probably being a bit unreasonable. We do both with DS's grandparents, sometimes we go to them but they also have DS by themselves.

MIL loves seeing us but it's also nice for her and DS to spend time alone developing their own bond. Also me and DP get to go out for lunch by ourselves and, although I love DS to bits, I love having a bit of time just the two of us too!

TottWriter · 03/05/2010 20:36

YANBU. I mean, fair enough she might wanta bit of one-on-one time every now and again, but if that's all she seems to want, it's more than a little odd.

My DS has recently had his second birthday. As it happens, this weekend he's been staying at my PIL for the second time in his life (they live an hour away so only see him if they trek here and stay or trek here and pick us up as we can't drive). Other than that, DS has never been away from us save for an hour or two here and there where he's been babysat. My dad, who lives much closer, comes to visit, or we visit him - but as a family. Though in fairness he's better at dealing with older children.

Sounds to me like your MIL has a few issues. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little alone time now and then, but to the exclusion of all else? I'd be having a word with DH and seeing if he can't ask her what's wrong.

lifesucks · 03/05/2010 20:36

i would love my mil to take my dd rather than coming here to see her.she probably just wants to give you a break.

giddly · 03/05/2010 20:37

While 21 months is probably quite young, I think it's a really good habit to get in for relatives to spend one on one time with children. Like you , I only ever spent time with relatives when may parents were there. When my parents died (when I was a young adult) I realised I didn't have a proper relationship with them as it had always been "brokered" by my parents. I wish I'd spent more time alone with them and could have developed proper relationships.

Portofino · 03/05/2010 20:38

I remember in pre dd days, I always wanted to take my nephews out by myself. It was more fun that way. You get to spoil them and interact one on one in way that you never do if mum and dad are there. No reason for it to be sinister imho.

compo · 03/05/2010 20:39

My dcs go and stay with their grandparents on their own now , they are 3 and 5
it's a good thing
you get to go away with your dh
it helps with chldcare in the sch hols if you work
good idea to start letting dd go with her grandma fora couple of hours now

alarkaspree · 03/05/2010 20:40

It's not weird. It is lovely for children to have time alone with their grandparents. In the summer my PILs took our children fishing, they had a fantastic time. My dad does woodwork with them, and gets them climbing up trees to pick fruit. It helps them to develop the closeness of their relationship with grandparents if they see them without their parents there.

But your dd is still very young so if you're not comfortable with it that's completely fine. In a year or two maybe you will be biting your MIL's arm off when she offers to take her off your hands for an afternoon.

Pozzled · 03/05/2010 20:41

I don't see anything strange about that. There's something special about spending time alone with a child, you can focus on the child a lot more, possibly be more relaxed with them. Some people feel a little self-conscious with other adults around, she might feel nervous of getting something 'wrong' with you or DH around. Obviously that depends on your relationship, but I think some MILs would feel like this. Does your DD tend to stick to you or you DH when others are around? If so, maybe MIL thinks it will be easier to build a really close relationship if they have the occasional bit of time alone.

If my mum or MIL was asking to do this I would jump at the chance for some time alone with DH. I'd suggest they go somewhere special so DD would see it as a treat (close by at first and just for a little while to see how it goes). I honestly can't see it as anything but a good thing, but I do get on well with my PIL.

GlendaTheGrizzlyPiggy · 03/05/2010 20:42

I'm sorry but in the nicest possible way I think YABU. I'm sure it's not that she doesn't enjoy spending time with you but just that she'd love to take her GC to feed the ducks or to the park. One afternoon a fortnight isn't a lot to some people. Why don't you invite her out with you and your DD for an afternoon at the park? She may not be comfortable visiting you at home because she (like my MIL) doesn't want to impose.

girlylala0807 · 03/05/2010 20:42

Aw,

I can see your point but my dmil loves having our ds all to helsef as does my mum. We dont mind, they are both fab and we get a break. DS who is 1 now has stayed for a week with my mum already while i did uni coursework and dmil taking him next weekend so i can revise.

Can you make plans to do something yourself while you are child free?

choufleur · 03/05/2010 20:45

I think yabu. She wants to spend time with her gc alone. Take her up on the offer and enjoy a bit of peace and quiet. Nearly 2 is not really that young, IMO to spend time away from your parents, particularly if its with GPs

AnyFucker · 03/05/2010 20:46

in what way is this strange ?

I think you need to elaborate, tbh

your dd is separate from you...since the day you gave birth to her

why is it not ok for her loving grandmother to want some one-on-one time ?

fair enough, if you are not ready for it yet (although I don't understand that myself...I would have given anything for a proper break at that stage of parenting...)

but you are making your MIL out to be sinister in some way...and that is weird on your part

Original poster

senseofhumourfailure · 03/05/2010 20:48

It's not that I don't trust her to look after her I would just be loads happier if she waited until she was older to do the one-on-one stuff with her.

I've been wondering if it's me she doesn't like and suggested to DH that he goes visiting without me! Nice to hear all the comments about MIL wanting to give me a break she is a lovely woman so you may well be right. Think I'll talk with DH and then maybe mention next time she asks that I'd love her to take DD out when she's slightly older but I'm not happy leaving her yet, and reiterate that she is very welcome here.

OP posts:

pigsinmud · 03/05/2010 20:48

Yanbu. We have had this with my mil. I think it depends on your childhood too - I only had one Grandparent alive when I was little and she was too old to do much childcare, so I was not used to the idea of staying with grandparents.

We had lots of other issues with my mil. If you're not comfortable with it then no.

Pozzled · 03/05/2010 20:48

Also agree that 21 months is not too young. Does depend on the child, but my DD is the same age and loves going to see my mum. I think it's a really good thing for her to be comfortable being left with other close family members.

maxmissie · 03/05/2010 20:49

I don't think it's odd at all, not sure why it's considered to be weird for a grandparent to want to spend one-on-one time with a grandchild, whatever their age. It can only be a good thing as far as I can see, in terms of your dd spending time with other people, especially family without her parents always there, so she can develop her own independent relationship with them.

My dd first went to stay at my pils overnight when she was 16 months and now pretty much goes once a month, she absolutely loves it and it has meant that they have developed a relationship with her that is separate from the one we have with them as a family. When she goes off with them in the car she is so excited and tells me that I'm not allowed to go with them!

larks35 · 03/05/2010 20:52

Is it that
a)she always wants to spend time with your DD and is getting that time, or
b)that she is always asking to, and not getting it?

If a) a bit weird, surely she wants to see the rest of you at some point.

If b) why not let her take your DD out for the day, plan some lovely you time and then maybe that won't be what she always asks for.

PatsyStone · 03/05/2010 20:54

Yabu. She is not 'taking her away' from you. You are lucky, I would bite her hand off at the chance to have a break. My dc have 'nanny days' (yes it makes me want to vom too) with my mil, and have a lovely time. My mum has them most weeks for a few hours too, takes them out on little trips etc. It's good all round!

larks35 · 03/05/2010 20:56

Sorry, xpost.

21months is surely old enough to enjoy a day out with a lovingly responsible adult that ain't your mum (I hope so, as DS has been with CM since 8m).

Just let her know the routine and ask her to try and stick to it (don't bank on that) and give yourself a break!

ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2010 20:56

I really think she is just trying to give you a break, maybe remembering how overwhelming it was for her at times when her own dc were small.

Firawla · 03/05/2010 20:56

If you're not comfy then just explain to her that you will be okay with it when she is older but not quite yet.
I think yanbu because no way would I let my PILS take either of my ds anywhere (same age as yours & younger), but for my mum I don't mind it although not taking anywhere far or a place that I don't know. There's no rule to say you have to let mil do this, theres plenty of time for it in the future if you feel more comfy later on. I would rather other people take mine only when they can talk more, otherwise I feel what if they don't understand them properly? I think it depends a lot how your own relationship with PILs is, if you don't have a good relationship yourself cant blame you for feeling this way.

SixtyFootDoll · 03/05/2010 21:00

YABU
I would rahter my MIL go off on her own with Ds's than hang around me.

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