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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why MIL can't just come and visit DD?

99 replies

senseofhumourfailure · 03/05/2010 20:31

I don't know if this is unusual or if I'm just a bit precious about my daughter, but my MIL is forever asking if she can have DD for the day or take her out for the afternoon.

DD is only 21 months and I just find it weird that MIL would rather spend time with DD without DH or I. We go and visit every fortnight for a whole afternoon, and have let her know she is very welcome to come and visit here (which she does occasionally). But she still continues to ask if she can take her out, and has done since she was 6 months old bieng breastfed. I just find it strange that she would rather spend time with her grandaughter without seeing her own DS or DIL. Obviously she wants a relationship with my DD but surely when this young she doesn't need to take her away from her parents?

My family always visit us if they want to see us or we visit them, and it was the same as I was growing up, my sisters and I would visit grandparents with our parents or GP would come to ours. I can remember maybe twice as a teenager gran coming to babysit at ours so parents could go out. So I'm not sure if I'm just thinking that the way I was brought up was the "right way" IYSWIM and grandparents everywhere take babies and toddlers away from their parents instead of visiting?

OP posts:

bruffin · 05/05/2010 18:43

because good relationships develop by spending time together. Why are so scared of anyone else looking after your children Diddl.

My DCs are teenagers now and still get excited about going to see their nans. The more people that are close and secure with the better, even from small babies. I think families are far to insular nowadays.

piscesmoon · 05/05/2010 19:08

Would you really like to never see your DC alone and always have someone there diddl?!! I don't beolieve you would. Why is everyone else in your DCs life different?

TripleThreatIcansingIcandanceI · 05/05/2010 19:14

Have not read whole thread yet but my instant reaction is................................

you are soooooooooooooooooo lucky!

I would LOVE a break - particularly from a gm (my dc do not have one)

scanty · 05/05/2010 21:16

also the GP's won't be around forever. My mum died less than 2 yrs ago when my 2 were very young and they probably won't really remember her at all. Don't take this time for granted (especially if the GP's are good, loving folk who'd love to spend time with your child).

PickUpYourPants · 05/05/2010 21:34

My parents and PIL have always played an important part in DC's lives including looking after them alone from a very young age. I went back to work after 6 weeks and had nanny trouble so they stepped in. My children now teenagers have wonderful relationship with all their GP and now they are all retired they do the majority of my school holiday supervision otherwise none as great days out by my DC. The relationship that has developed since day 1 is absolutely wonderful and if you have no real problem with you MIL except your separation anxiety then I think that YABU, sorry

LadyBiscuit · 05/05/2010 21:40

They don't have to spend time alone with their grandparents obviously but if the GPs want to have them, then unless you think the GPs would put your DC at risk, I think it's a bit odd to forbid it. And rather precious tbh

piscesmoon · 05/05/2010 22:12

It is a really good idea to encourage it. If you are suddenly carted off to hospital it is nice to know that grandparents can step in and it is usual for both sides.
I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want time off with just DP, knowing that the DCs are happy and well cared for. It is so handy for things like Christmas shopping, when you don't want them with you, or for a dental appointment.
Even if they were staying with all of us it was lovely to have a lie in, knowing that my MIL is an early riser and would get DS his breakfast and chat to him!
The benefits speak for themselves.

Scanty also made the point that the grandparents might die before you think the DC is old enough-it is sad to say 'one day...' if the one day never comes.

Sazisi · 05/05/2010 22:17

Look at it from dd's pov: a good bond with her grandmother is wonderful and priceless.

Neither of my grandmothers ever took me out for the day, but I wish they had.

sleepyhead3 · 05/05/2010 22:28

YABU.
I think it is you that has the issue here tbh. Your MIL is trying to be a loving grandparent. Unless she is untrustworthy or a dreadful person, it would be lovely for your DD to have a few hours with her grandmother. It is you being overly anxious in not being able to let her go without you. Of course, as the mother, it is your choice. However, 21 months is definitely too young for her to enjoy the experience and your MIL is perfectly reasonable in her request.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/05/2010 22:44

You know, it really IS normal and usual for grandparents to look after grandchildren on their own for a length of time.

My two have done it from an early age (10 days old, DS2 was, when we left him a couple of hours with my mum when we went out for our wedding anniversary meal!)

They have a fantastic, warm, close relationship with both sets of grandparents now they are 6 and 5 and are both excited at the prospect of an overnight visit to either set of GPs without us.

Your DD can't be tied to your apron strings forever unless you are intending to avoid nursery/playgroups and then educate her at home yourself. What could be better than "practising" that separation now with a loving grandparent so that she becomes used to being away from you and you away from her. Imagine what a trauma starting nursery could be for her if she starts there never having even had a couple of hours away from you before.

Like most people have said, it really is your issue, I think.

And please, can everyone who is a bit of a control freak over their children - can you just think forward a few years and imagine if YOU were the MIL concerned and your daughter-in-law just wouldn't let you have any time alone with your grandchild. How would you feel?

OP, I think if I were you I'd take small steps and just leave your DD wtih your MIL for an hour or two when visiting her house and then build up from there. It really will be ok, you know!

2rebecca · 05/05/2010 23:41

I think it depends on your family circumstances as to how normal it is. Our parents both lived a long drive away so if we visited them it was as a family. It wasn't until the kids were 5 or 6 that they spent weekends or weeks with grandparents without us. There was no sense or advantage to us in leaving them before that. The kids have great relationships with their grandparents. They don't remember much re holidays/ who they spent weekends with much before 4 or 5 so I don't see that preschool kids spending time alone with gps is in any way necessary. If you want to do it fine, if you don't want to do it fine. If you still won't let your kids out of your sight with family members once they have started school then you're being a bit weird.

diddl · 06/05/2010 09:57

I put that I don´t see why very young children must spend time alone with GPs.

And yes my children have but not as young as OP´s child.

And yes I did but not until I was at school.

Journey · 06/05/2010 10:16

I don't understand why the op thinks it's unusual A granny wanting to have some 1-2-1 time with her granddaughter is hardly weird. What is the world coming to? Give me strength.

LadyBiscuit · 06/05/2010 10:21

My mother has had sole care of my DC since they were babies so yes I do think it's odd to think they are 'too young' to be cared for by someone other than their mother. It's a bit precious

posieparker · 06/05/2010 10:25

Perhaps you could allow her a very short trip out, like round to the shops in the pushchair or something.....although I would never let my ils do anything with my dcs..

mistletoekisses · 06/05/2010 10:38

Have skimmed thread - and cannot see any reports of alarming behaviour from your MIL, so a resounding YABU.

Is this a case of possessiveness? Are you jealous about your DD forming a close bond with someone other than yourself? Both my DS have had alone time with their Gran from when they were 6 weeks old. Grannie cuddles+bottle of mummies milk = happy baby, happy granny and mummy and daddy in the cinema. My DS's absoultely adore their Gran. I would also leave DS's with my brother/ SIL. I think it is so very healthy for children to form loving/ trusting attachments with extended family. And I count myself as very lucky that my family is there as a support network for me.

I think your behaviour is tad ridiculous TBH,

diddl · 06/05/2010 11:16

Just because others have done it doesn´t mean OP has to!

bruffin · 06/05/2010 11:33

But Diddl what harm will it do!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 06/05/2010 11:37

PickUpYourPants - love your names. Made me laugh as it's a much used phrase here!

diddl · 06/05/2010 11:50

Not saying it will do any harm.
OP isn´t happy about MIL having her daughter for a day or afternoon so why should she?

A couple of hours would be fine to start surely or wait until toddler is older if OP is happier with that.

I was rarely left with my GPs and mine were rarely left with theirs-circumstances, so I see where OP is coming from.

Even if I had been close enough for parents to regularly have had my first it probably wouldn´t have occurred tome unless they asked.

WhyMeWhyNot · 06/05/2010 11:59

I look back with such fondness on my grandparents that I spent such special one to one time with.
My other grandparents lived too far away to see very often and our relationship was completely different because of this.
Your children will love hearing the stories of when their grandparents were young, it is such a lovely friendship to nurture.
One thing to mention is your MIL may find it difficult to do all the cooing and chuckling voices that babies enjoy in front of you.She may be embarrassed playing silly buggers in front of other adults.

bruffin · 06/05/2010 12:09

But it shouldn't be about what's best for the OP, but what' good for the OP's baby.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 06/05/2010 12:11

WhyMe has a point. Maybe MIL feels more relaxed on her own.

piscesmoon · 06/05/2010 19:30

'OP isn´t happy about MIL having her daughter for a day or afternoon so why should she?'

Because one day she might be a grandmother and it would be very sad to have a possessive DIL who makes sure that you never see the child alone. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Love for one person doesn't take away from another-surely you want as many people as possible to love your DC? It does every mother and DC good to have a break from each other. Even if DC is a small baby I can't see why MIL can't push it up to the post box, or round the block, on her own

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