to wonder why MIL can't just come and visit DD?

[senseofhumourfailure]

I don't know if this is unusual or if I'm just a bit precious about my daughter, but my MIL is forever asking if she can have DD for the day or take her out for the afternoon.

DD is only 21 months and I just find it weird that MIL would rather spend time with DD without DH or I. We go and visit every fortnight for a whole afternoon, and have let her know she is very welcome to come and visit here (which she does occasionally). But she still continues to ask if she can take her out, and has done since she was 6 months old bieng breastfed. I just find it strange that she would rather spend time with her grandaughter without seeing her own DS or DIL. Obviously she wants a relationship with my DD but surely when this young she doesn't need to take her away from her parents?

My family always visit us if they want to see us or we visit them, and it was the same as I was growing up, my sisters and I would visit grandparents with our parents or GP would come to ours. I can remember maybe twice as a teenager gran coming to babysit at ours so parents could go out. So I'm not sure if I'm just thinking that the way I was brought up was the "right way" IYSWIM and grandparents everywhere take babies and toddlers away from their parents instead of visiting?

Lots of children a lot younger than 21 months are looked after on a daily basis by grandparents.

I used to work from home but go into the office about 1 day in every fortnight/month. My mum used to pick up dd and take her to my dads(complicated story, they were divorced) and DD used to spend a lovely day there from a very young baby, I only had 6 weeks maternity leave.

Another YABU, unless your MIL is some untrustworthy old fruit bat, you are denying her and your daughter one of the greatest relationships in the world. Your daughter wont love you any less, but she will have a great relationship with her Nana (insert applicable moniker!).

It is normal to want to spend time alone with children, you have a completely different relationship with them when you are looking after them and not just looking at them! You can't form the same bond while the parents hang around, hovering.

21 months is not too young for a granparent to have time alone with a child - as someone said (anyfucker I think), she's 21 months not minutes!! Plenty old enough to be having independant relationships.

Also, your MIL didn't say she didn't want to see you or your DH at all, she is just asking for some time on her own with her DG.

Chippingin has an excellent post and she is quite right that you can't have the same bond with parents hanging around. There is nothing nicer than your DC having lots of relationships and it doesn't take anything away from you.
I think that you need to treat others as you would like to be treated, unless you can honestly say that you never want to see your grandchild, if you get one,without your DIL hovering around you should let your MIL have time on her own.(Even if you think you won't mind-I bet you change your mind when you get to that stage!)
Apart from anything else it is good for you to have a break-even if you just leave her for a couple of hours to go shopping in peace.(It is also good for DC to have a break from you).

Perfectly normal for grandparents to take care of their grandchildren alone! It's nice to spend one on one time with children you're close to - do you never take neices/nephews/cousins/godchildren out alone?

You don't have to let anyone take your dd out if you're not comfortable though.

My dad kept emphasising how he'd like to take the children out by himself, I realised I was being a bit precious and let him (they are 4 and 6!) They had a wonderful day out and didn't want to come home. However, the next time he came to visit, he suggested I might come along too. I think the reality of managing two lively children had hit home.

It is nice to let the children develop a relationship with their grandparents which is a bit special. I wonder if you would feel differently if it was your own mum (you don't mention her so I hope I'm not putting my foot in it). I found I was more than happy to let my own mum look after my dd's on their own from day 1, but much more cautious with my in-laws. I have had to have a stern word with myself about this, we also have a language barrier, but sometimes the best thing we can do is step back a bit and let them go (for at least a trip to the park whilst you put your feet up).

I think that you have to work out whether you are uncomfortable because you think that she might come to harm with MIL or whether you are uncomfortable because you are over protective and/or possessive.The former is understandable but if it is the latter you need to curb it.

I also think it is not weird, but still, it is something you are not comfortable with and she is your dd. Perhaps you can call mil up with an invitation such as "It's such a gorgeous day, why don't you join ds and I on a trip to the park/zoo/any.other.place, so she is getting in more time with her gc and her lovely dil both?

Every 2 weeks really is barely anything for a doting grandmother. I saw my in-laws several times a week before we moved an hour away. I really miss the family time we had with them.

One thought, although your dh would most likely have already known if this is the case, but could there be some reasona why she doesn't like to visit in your home? Pets, or anything? My mother has claustrophobia and when we lived in a high rise, (She was cared of being in elevators) I had to meet her in the lobby, and she'd take ds or else go to meet her at the mall or her place.
She is afraid of animals and will avoid going places with pets, or if they wear perfume or use any scented candles, if they smoke, drink alcohol, have a lot of plants, don't have a dust free home, etc., as she has allergies. But she would never tell them in case she offended them!
Could your mil have any fears/concerns she may be embarrassed to tell you about?

Perhaps you could just let MIL take her out for an hour or so?

I would love my mil to ask once in a while!!

When MIL came and took DS out for an hour when he was 15 months I ended up with a DD 8 or so months later

I think its more weird to never let a child go out with grandparents

What is with MN just because you don't have a MIL/would kill for a break whatever, doesn't mean OP should be biting her hand off.

As for 'When was the last time your and your DH had a night out? Try one night - it won't kill you.' How rude! OP didn't ask for advice about her social life.

She has already said she'd be more open to it if her DD was older, nothing wrong with that, she isn't excluding her MIL in any way.

Lol@ bruffin

yabu..and pfb! your mil does see you and your dh one day a fortnight.she probably wants to take your dd out and do the proud granny thing!

i remember when my dd was about a week old,my mum came round and sent me to bed and said she would take dd out to the post box...2 hours later i woke up and she wasn't back!!

i had a massive wobbly and rang her mobile Where are you,can't believe you've taken her out for so long etc!!"

she arrives back at house all rolling eyes and tutting at me...turns out she had taken her to every place within walking distance that she knew someone,houses,hairdressers,shops...and then sat in a coffee shop and waited to be admired ...had to laugh..she was just mega proud and thoroughly enjoying her new role.

if you trust the mil (i don't btw and would never let mine take them out!!!)then lighten up,let them have a fun time at the park or wherever,and you can have a bit of 'me' time!
my mum is always taking them out and i really appreciate it.also,it's great for them to have another positive maternal influence in their lives...it's a love fest when granny arrives!

another YABU I'm afraid. My DD is 23 mo, and since she was about 7mo she has spent time one on one with all her grandparents. My mum lives 10 mins away and she is always spending time with her, including staying overnight perhaps once every 3 weeks which she really loves.

The other GPs live much further away and so when they come to visit (or vice versa) it's brilliant for them to have some proper time with her without us around. DH and I appreciate a bit of time to cook / clean / DIY / read the paper / whatever and they get invaluable time with their GD which they adore.

And perhaps I am a BAD MUMMY but DH and I have left DD with various GPs about 5 or 6 times since she was 8mo so that we could go away for a few nights here and there and have some time together. She's always pleased to see us when we get home, but never upset when we're away and has a fabulous time. I love seeing her have such a close relationship with her GPs and genuinely think it is a win-win situation for us, her and the GPs.

I'm not sure what the OP is worried about here tbh...

I don't think its weird at all. I'm sure your DH is lovely and his mother loves him dearly but he isn't a gorgeous sparkly toddler.

My DCs adore both sets of GPs, and absolutely love spending time with them. Of course they let them watch too much TV and eat too many biscuits, but isn't that what GPs are for? I was certainly spoilt rotten by mine.

How about next time you take her to see your MIL you leave your DD with her for an hour while you run an errand/go for a coffee/whatever?

YABU if you like and trust your MIL and she is physically able to deal wth a toddler. Of course she wants some time alone with her GC, it's completely different to when the mother is about overseeing everything. My MIL is quite timid but loves to have me out the way (for a little while) so she can have my boys to herself. I was worried at leaving them as she is quite delicate and suffers very badly at times from depression so was more worried about her.

I have to say I think YABU

your MIL would like some time with her if you feel worried about her taking her for a entire afternoon start of suggesting MIL comes over for a afternoon and takes your dd for a walk for say 30 mins/1 hour then slowly build it up.

It is good for your dd to be allowed to develop her own relationship with her grandmother

And it may be your MIL would like to show off her gd to her friends

Yanbu-I couldn´t have let mine go for a day at that age.
An hour or two at most.
MIL is NU to ask, but you don´t have to accept imo.

Two separate issues here:

• you don't yet feel comfortable letting your DD go off with others - that's fine, you don't have to

• it is often lovely for a child to have a strong and warm relationship with other significant adults than their parents and who better than a grandparent. My own GM was a hugely important person in my life and I know my DCs have the same with their GPs. How lovely for your DD it is that your MIL wants to create this with your her. Part of our job as parents is to give our children wings to fly with other people as well as roots with us. So I think YABU if you don't appreciate and allow this, over time, as you get comfortable with letting go a bit more, when you are ready.

Recommend a warm, appreciative chat with your MIL explaining you want her to have a lovely relationship with your DD but you aren't quite ready to let go yet. And start with an hour or two.

'Part of our job as parents is to give our children wings to fly with other people as well as roots with us'

By 21 months I was my grandfather's 'little shadow'. He died before I got to secondary school, so we would have both been denied a lot of pleasure if my mother had been pfb and delayed it. I don't think that there is anything nicer than seeing your DCs build up independent relationships with those who love them.

I understand your slight anxiety about this.

I have two opposite ends of the spectrum - MIL, bit like yours, quite pushy on the "let me take them" but to be honest, we've all got the hang of it and the kids LOVE it, have formed a very special relationship with those GP's and adore the time alone with them. My own parents, on the other hand, would not even dream of doing such a thing, doesn't even take them to the playground or anything (have actually never been alone with the DC's, even for five minutes), which I think is sad, as they are missing out and so are the DC's on forming a strong bond with those GP's... And we are now so far down the line (DC's are 5 and 4) that we are now in the position where I would have to almost "teach" my folks about how the DC's do everything/what they need when etc... that it would be a nightmare. We did get off to a bad start I suppose, which set the tone, when Mum said "not sure I want to be a granny and if you think i am ever changing a nappy, forget it".

And the situation with MIL, despite being slightly smothering sometimes (through love though, so hard to criticise!) is infinitely preferable to the latter with my folks.... so try and go with it, it doesn't have to be often.

21mths is quite young, so start off with little outings, and enjoy the couple of hours on your own, if you can.

I think it would help us to understand if you could explain a bit more about what you are worried about.

I can't really identify with the idea of not wanting to leave her with a loving relation (I've had my mum and dad babysitting overnight from when mine were tiny babies, because I think their relationship with my DSs is important, and i think my relationship with DH is really important), but I'd like to see it from your POV.

Sorry, but I don´t get why children have to spend time alone when very young for a good relationship to develop.