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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why MIL can't just come and visit DD?

99 replies

senseofhumourfailure · 03/05/2010 20:31

I don't know if this is unusual or if I'm just a bit precious about my daughter, but my MIL is forever asking if she can have DD for the day or take her out for the afternoon.

DD is only 21 months and I just find it weird that MIL would rather spend time with DD without DH or I. We go and visit every fortnight for a whole afternoon, and have let her know she is very welcome to come and visit here (which she does occasionally). But she still continues to ask if she can take her out, and has done since she was 6 months old bieng breastfed. I just find it strange that she would rather spend time with her grandaughter without seeing her own DS or DIL. Obviously she wants a relationship with my DD but surely when this young she doesn't need to take her away from her parents?

My family always visit us if they want to see us or we visit them, and it was the same as I was growing up, my sisters and I would visit grandparents with our parents or GP would come to ours. I can remember maybe twice as a teenager gran coming to babysit at ours so parents could go out. So I'm not sure if I'm just thinking that the way I was brought up was the "right way" IYSWIM and grandparents everywhere take babies and toddlers away from their parents instead of visiting?

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 03/05/2010 21:01

How lovely that your MiL wants to do that.

She's 21 months, not 21 minutes old.

My Mum takes my DD (23 mnths) to a toddler group and has been doing so for ages. In fact, loads of the babies and toddlers there are accompanied by their grandparents, not parents, whilst the parents get a break/work/shop etc.

Original poster
senseofhumourfailure · 03/05/2010 21:06

Nice to hear everyone's views and how common it is for GPs to take their grandchildren out. Maybe I'm just being so protective because she first asked when DD was so little, I was wondering why MIL wanted to take my 6 month old baby away from me!

Have let her take DD out a couple of times but I just feel uncomfortable, and worry about some accident happening when I'm not there hmmm maybe it is me, this is also the reason i didn't go back to work after maternity leave. Ah well will go and consider all the YABU's!!

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2010 21:09

you say MIL keeps asking if she can take dd for a day out/afternoon. Have you actually ever agreed to this or has it never eventuated - is it just that she keeps asking and you keep putting her off?

Look if you don't feel comfortable with it yet, you don't. Keep inviting her round regularly, maybe if you could face it, you could even have a regular afternoon when she pops round. She could be in your house and after a bit of a chat, you could potter about doing some housework and just leave them together, pop in and out as you need to.

ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2010 21:10

oh sorry crossed posts

Original poster
senseofhumourfailure · 03/05/2010 21:10

I'd be the same if my mum asked its not because its DH's mum, I really will reconsider as DD gets a little older.

OP posts:
strawberrie · 03/05/2010 21:10

Why don't you take it in little steps? I think for other family members there is definitely something special about having a LO all to themselves for a bit.

Is there say a park with a cafe nearby where you could go with DD and MIL, and you could go and have a coffee on your own while MIL does the swings/feeds ducks/walks with the pram? That could be a good start, and you could build on it as you feel comfortable.

As you seem to have a good relationship with her in other respects, it might also be an idea to explain to her that your reservations are to do with your feelings about being apart from DD, rather than trust issues with HER IYSWIM.

PatsyStone · 03/05/2010 21:12

You will have to let go one day, take little steps, I will admit I would not have wanted mine to sleepover at that age. I have to bite my tongue not to patronise remind mil/mum/dad to do this, do that safety wise (unless I was aware of an obvious danger), I just remember dh and me have survived their parenting

ZZZenAgain · 03/05/2010 21:18

I don't feel you have to be apart from your dc for a full day or afternoon at 21 months, if you don't want to. How you go about saying this without hurting MIL's feelings etc I don't really know.

Original poster
senseofhumourfailure · 03/05/2010 21:22

Going to bed now but thanks for all your replies and advice so far, will check back in morning.

Will definitely consider what everyone has said about enjoying the time off and taking it slowly, I know its me that needs to feel comfortable enough to let DD go, rather than DD not wanting to go. I really think its just because it was unusual for me growing up and none of my friends' parents do this I thought it was strange, but its good to have something like mumsnet to get a wider opinion I guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
senseofhumourfailure · 03/05/2010 21:23

Will also make an effort to invite MIL along when we go to park etc appreciate she justs wants to be involved.

OP posts:
tinkletinklelittlestar · 03/05/2010 21:37

YAB a bit U. You need to RELAX! If you don't like your MIL, set it to one side for the sake of a break. You and your DH need a break from your DD from time to time. When was the last time your and your DH had a night out? Try one night - it won't kill you. Think about your DD, it gets her used to doing things in different environments; builds her confidence too.

We let our DD stay over at 4 months (she's now 22 months) - she was perfectly fine and MIL went out with her to see friends to show off naturally. Everybody benefits - me, DD and MIL.

My MIL would love to take our DD but FIL is quite poorly and it wouldn't be fair on either of them. I completely trust my MIL with our DD.

saslou · 03/05/2010 21:43

I am going to go against the trend and say YANBU. Some people are happy for PIL to look after their DC, but if you are not then you you shouldn't feel you HAVE to for fear of upsetting your MIL.She must know you don't feel comfortable with it because you haven't taken her up on her offer. Just because she eeps asking, it doesn't mean you are obliged to do it if you don't want to.

sleepingsowell · 03/05/2010 21:53

I think YABU but I do understand your reluctance to part with your precious child! However, letting your MIL have sole care of your child is one really good way to foster a really close relationship between them. Your child will get the enriching experience of being with another loving adult who will bring many things to her day and your MIL will really get to know her grand-daughter.

Unless there are real worries re safety that you're aware of (other than natural maternal reluctance and anxiousness) then imo it would be a real shame not to encourage this. Your DD would be missing out on alot. I think she's at a lovely age to start really enjoying being looked after by her granny for the odd day.

And I am speaking as a very anxious neurotic mum who found this sort of thing hard as well - but believe me, it has got to be done; you do even when your child is this little, have to start that very gradual process of letting go; because if you don't, then you limit their lives and opportunities, and for what? An accident of some sort that 99% sure will never happen anyway?

moomaa · 03/05/2010 22:03

I don't think it is weird, it is so much easier to interact with children without their parents there, I suspect my relatives feel more comfortable with my kids when I am not in the background. All my sisters are desperate for time with the kids on their own, I think they want to play mum, and my neice likes to visit on her own so she can have the kids 1:1 (me getting on with housework etc). I love 'spying' on my parents with my kids, it makes me happy to see their relationship develop.

I understand you being nervous about it, for me it was made easier by DH's family being vast and having lots of kids so uncles/cousins/aunts just expected to be able to pick up/walk around with/feed my baby (nowhere near as bad as it sounds, some of the food stuff was annoying) and that gave me a gentle introduction.

scaryteacher · 03/05/2010 22:15

I always worked on the assumption that as mil and my mum had managed to get their kids through to adulthood, they could be entrusted with ds.

piscesmoon · 03/05/2010 22:20

I don't think that it is at all weird. It is lovely for both sides to have their own relationship ,without you being there every time.
My PILs came to stay in our house when DS was that age and we could go out, or DS went to stay with them on his own. It was home from home because they knew the routines, his favourite things etc. It was very relaxed.
It seems very possessive to me to expect them to interact through you all the time. Start with something small-she would certainly enjoy going to feed the ducks with Granny while you stay at home and have a break.

Supercherry · 03/05/2010 22:45

Put yourself in her shoes- in 20 years time you could be a grandparent, wouldn't you want to spend some quality time with your grandchild, also giving mum and dad a break at the same time? It's normal isn't it?

NonnoMum · 03/05/2010 22:51

Well done, SenseOf.
Yes, the first baby is absolutely gorgeous and lovely to be around, but it sounds like you need a bit of me-time; how about a manicure for an hour whilst MiL and DC are in the park (or some such treat)?

cat64 · 03/05/2010 22:52

This reply has been deleted

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pigletmania · 03/05/2010 23:00

Why the hell is it weird that your MIL wants to spend one on one time with her grandchild . I would have loved that so that i could mabey do the ironing or have a little rest, dd was and still is a very active and demanding child and really takes it out of you. Sounds as though someone has ishoos.

jellybeans · 03/05/2010 23:04

YANBU

My MIL was asking to take DD out on her own since a few days old. Went on about giving up breastfeeding and buying a crib for her house etc. She was awful to me too, if she had been nice to me then maybe would be different but she is a domineering loon and often showed us in front of the DC that she had no respect for our rules/parenting.

I think the thing is that it feels abit offensive and makes you feel like a brood mare if the MIL is awful to you and makes it clear they only want DC. (not sure how you get on with yours). I had no need for MIL to take DD since I was a SAHM. My parents never wanted DC alone, they liked seeing us all. I wondered why she was so insistant in having DD alone, she wanted to take over and didn't listen to us so we rarely left DD with her. But she did take DD out a couple of times for a few hours when she was aged 2 or 3 upwards since I am a very reasonable person!

LadyBiscuit · 03/05/2010 23:08

It's not weird at all - she's not trying to take her away from her parents, she's trying to build a relationship with her. And she's nearly two! She'll be at school all day in two years' time.

poppymouse · 04/05/2010 21:37

My parents are utterly kerazy about my ds. Mum has managed to get across that they really want to play with him and get to know him on their own (they live 8 hours drive away!) and it is different when they are alone with him, they feel a little inhibited when we are there chasing after the little monkey. Last time we visited dh and I went out for a lazy lunch and chilled while my parents had a whale of a time with ds. They were so chuffed and showed us the photos afterwards. My Mum thinks it's a great treat to push the buggy and that she is denying me something if she pushes for me.

wubblybubbly · 04/05/2010 21:45

I wish I had a MIL

My Mum often takes DS for the afternoon and I love it, it's amazing how much more you can get done without being asked 'why?' every 30 seconds.

I have such lovely memories of spending the night at Grandma's, eating pomegrantes with a pin and watching space 1999, thick cut bacon butties for breakfast on unsliced bread and basically being spoilt rotten

I honestly don't think it's weird, but it depends on what you're comfortable with.

Thediaryofanobody · 04/05/2010 21:47

It's not personal she just want to spend some time with your DD.
Did you never spend time alone with your granny when you were little? Most kids love going off with their grandparents by themselves, they have their own personal relationship with deserves to be nurtured too.