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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 15:53

How does a different carat diamond better suit your lifestyle now?

posieparker · 01/05/2010 15:54

What if rrw the ring you loved was expensive, would you say no?

activate · 01/05/2010 15:55

if you want it, can afford it, you should have it

personally I love my rings - they mean a lot to me partly because they were a large investment because we are not conspicuous consumers - we don't do the flash car - my diamond rings are the most expensive items I am likely to own and they make me feel special and i still like to see them shine

I think all this oh mine was £2.50 irrelevant

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 15:56

Tbh PP ive only ever loved one ring and that was in a jewellers in Corfu town. We couldnt really afford it but we were going to try and haggle and get a discount and stick it on the mastercard. However woe is me they didnt even have my size which is the story of my life.

However I never 'expected' my DH to spend a certain amount on a ring, or anything I want for that matter, which is what the OP of this thread wants.

JaneS · 01/05/2010 15:56

Red, it could easily be a lifestyle thing. I can't wear rings with faceted stones or sharp metal settings in case I catch them on the manuscripts I'm working on.

MmeLindt · 01/05/2010 15:57

When we got engaged DH was a student, I was an 18yo shop assistant. We lived in a tiny flat and ate a lot of baked beans.

Our life now is so different. DH has a good career, decent wage coming in, we have 2 DC, house, car - even a designer pooch

My style has changed. Not that I don't mooch about in jeans sometimes but I wear fancier jewellery than I did then, more make up. My mini ring, much as I loved it at the time, just does not suit the grown up me.

diddl · 01/05/2010 15:57

My husband thought he got a good deal with me-I thought the ring was too much & hardly dared tell him it really was the only one I liked.
He had three times the figure in mind as his "limit"

activate · 01/05/2010 15:59

we went to choose my engagement ring together - and I did expect a certain amount to be spent on it and we agreed that up front - we totally bought into de beers marketing campaing not becaue we were stupid but because we wanted to

I really wouldn't have wanted DH to choose something I would wear my entire life without my input

beanlet · 01/05/2010 16:00

Anyone else suspicious that the OP hasn't reappeared?

My first husband and I were both skint when we got engaged, and he got a job counting people coming up an escalator in a shopping mall for a whole week in order to pay for half of my engagement ring -- I paid for the other half. I still wear it because it meant so much to me.

It's unbelievably shallow to judge your love by some random monetary value dreamt up by diamond salesmen, even if your DP does spend money on expensive things. If you're real, I predict heartbreak.

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 16:01

Oh, I get it now... you didn't get the ring you wanted 'story of your life', so you feel the need to direct your anger and frustration at people that do get what they want.

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 16:03

Beanlet - think she's been scared off . I haven't seen anyone on here measuring their love by the expense of their ring though, I think alot of comments are being mis interpreted.

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 16:03

BK I was already engaged by then dear- nowt to do with not being able to get the engagement ring I wanted..whos jumping to conclusions now?

Morloth · 01/05/2010 16:04

My ring is quite a cheapy as we were poor students at the time. The proposal however was fantastic and I love my cheap little set. Will wear it always even though we can now afford much much more.

You might want to have a think about why it is so important to you.

I am now sitting here grinning remembering.

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 16:05

Sorry, you were talking about a ring on a thread about engagement rings, only natural to assume I think? Anyway point still stands.

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 16:07

No i stated it was the only ring ive ever seen and thought 'wow'...it wasnt an engagement ring as I was already engaged, and I didnt 'expect' my DH to just get it me because I liked it and if he didnt I didnt mean enough to him.

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 16:07

I didn't say you did....

feralgirl · 01/05/2010 16:08

OP where are you? I want to know how much YOU spent on HIS engagement ring?

DH and I both have (v cheap but lovely) engagement rings. I like the fact that we had joint ownership of our engagement; I didn't fancy the feeling that he had put a ring on my finger to show his intention to marry me!

diddl · 01/05/2010 16:09

I also chose my engagement ring-is this unusual?

The romantic side of me wanted it to be a surprise-the selfish practical side wanted to make sure I liked it.

HalfTermHero · 01/05/2010 16:09

YANBU to expect something gorgeous if you can afford it and you are the kind of person who enjoys material things. I have a stunning and expensive engagement ring. I am quite materialistic though and dp knew that when he proposed! Bless him, he knew exactly the kind of ring that would fill me with joy and he bought it for me with good grace. I adore my ring and will do for the rest of my life. I adore my dp too .

Morloth · 01/05/2010 16:18

diddle we went looking together and I was careful to gush over the ones that I liked and left it up to DH to make the final decision.

Original poster
hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 16:26

Wow thanks for all the responses! I've only just got home and managed to read through them all, I don't know where to start responding! First of all with lol at "substational" I posted the message on my iphone while in town, quite impressed that that was the only spelling mistake tbh

Erm so this all came about because dp thinks the "one month salary" thing is absurd and I wanted to see what other people thought about it.

The whole issue of expensive jewellery and family heirlooms is quite relevant to me as my grandmother loves her rocks and hands things down to my mother and herself, for example I wear my great-grandfather's swiss watch and my grandmother's gold locket more than any of the cheap / new jewellery I own.

When I said "we live in a materialistic world" I specifically was talking about me and my family. And as a lot of people have said here, spending say £1000 on an engagement ring doesn't seem so ridiculous when you compare it to £800 on a drum kit? I think a lot of the "YABU" posts were aimed at a lifestyle which puts value in inanimate objects?

A couple of people asked wouldn't I prefer to spend the money on a wedding and the answer is no, spending thousands on a wedding day seems ridiculous to me! I'd prefer to spend any money I might be lucky enough to have on things that will last forever, like rings and houses!

OP posts:
AitchTwoZone · 01/05/2010 16:28

so what do you propose to do about the fact that your intended dh doesn't mind spending money on himself but doesn't want to spend it on you? doesn't this ring alarm bells?

WidowWadman · 01/05/2010 16:30

I'd have punched my husband if had spent a month's salary on my engagement ring or the wedding ring. I wouldn't want to wear something that expensive for fear of losing it.

diddl · 01/05/2010 16:33

OP-I personally think the months salary thing is ridiculous.
Have you seen a ring you like?
Has he given you a figure which seems mean compared to what he earns/spends on himself?

Plopsie · 01/05/2010 16:34

I honestly can't think of anything that mattered less to me. Much more important was respect and commitment - without those there would be no engagement let alone marriage and no rock could convince me otherwise if my heart doubted how much he valued me.

;-)