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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
bumpsoon · 02/05/2010 11:05

Oh and dont mistake good taste with monetary value .

LeQueen · 02/05/2010 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucykate · 02/05/2010 12:23

my engagement ring has 4 tiny diamonds in it, all of which have black spots in them, some of the platinum has rubbed away revealing the gold underneath and cost £230.

that's one way of describing it anyway. another way is...,

my engagement ring is very unusual in design and is at least 160 years old. we chose it together, and when we paid for it, we each paid half.

SanctiMoanyArse · 02/05/2010 12:25

Sounds like a sensible way to shop LeQ. We're a bit more broke (temporarily) so tend to buy only to replace / upsize but I do try and choose ebay'ed quality over cheap stuff: for teh same price it seems to last so much longer if you shop wisely. The boys are in the garden right now wearing expensive surfwear fleese- £2.99 on ebay LOL and I won't cry if they rip them!.

Likewise for my Aunt's forthcoming wedidng I have a coast dress I bought on ebay over a similar priced Dp one and I hope it will last and maybe be resold.

But I don't think a ring is something to be upset about and in all truth I think at the time of an angagement one should be so caught up in it that everything else is long gone. Rings can be upgraded as time goes on- Dh is looking for a nice platinum one for my 40th in a few eyars as that is hypoallergenic for me, had he spent £10000 on my first one it would neither fit nor be able to be worn through allergy anyway.

BrandyAlexander · 02/05/2010 12:27

I did have an "expectation" of what DH might spend on my engagement ring, but he/we could afford it. Wanting/having an expensive engagement ring doesn't mean that I value it more than my marriage. Equally it doesn't mean that I have somehow enslaved myself and reversed 100 years of feminism. Nor does it mean that I think that my marriage is better than someone who doesn't have a ring or has a cheaper ring.

I took off my ring once and misplaced it. Had I actually lost the engagement ring, I would have been upset, but I would have got over it as it is insured. However, if I ever lost my (plain) wedding ring, I would be distraught as that is the one that means more to me.

Some of the assumptions/reverse snobbery on this thread are odd.

biddysmama · 02/05/2010 12:44

erm yabu! i chose my engagement ring, from argos, cos £40! i could have had anyone i wanted but dont see the point in paying a fortune for a ring, i wear it because i love him and for what it symbolises, not because i want to show everybody that i'm worth a lot of money to him (i am but so what?)

posieparker · 02/05/2010 12:55

The word chavesque is dreadful.

You obviously have a hard job reading RRW as many of my posts completely dispute your, rather infantile, conclusion of me.

And I was talking about people who claim noone can have a nice ring, not really thinking about the fact that different people have different tastes.

posieparker · 02/05/2010 13:03

By LIZS Sun 02-May-10 10:25:38
yabu I rarely wear mine now - cost less than a week's wages when dh first started working !

Perhaps if he'd spent more and bought you something else, you'd still be wearing it.

PS RRW why would you even think that I associated with people who gave a fuck about trainers? now that really is chavvy.

RedRedWine1980 · 02/05/2010 13:04

Its your whole attitude PP regarding other people who dont have a ring that costs much and your last comment just sums it up.

Your attitude seems to scream if something doesnt cost much its not worth having.

RedRedWine1980 · 02/05/2010 13:07

Perhaps if he'd spent more and bought you something else, you'd still be wearing it

My DH could have spent 'more'- im still wearing the ring...next?

gt17 · 02/05/2010 13:08

hotCheeseBURNS as much as its correct to say 'it's the relationship that matters' you are not being unreasonable. Of course you should have an amazing ring it only happens once. We aren't particularly well off but I did get an amazing ring (and a lovely bag when DS came along) these are lifetime milestones... also you want other women to be impressed when you show them... it is human nature. I am sure he will surprise you.

weegiemum · 02/05/2010 13:10

People can have a "nice" ( I presume you mean "expensive" ) ring if they like. I'm not judging at all. If you want to spend your money on that, fair cops to you.

We (and it was we, not he or I) chose otherwise! We bought what we could afford as skint students back in 1993. What we got means so much to me that I wouldn't now change it for a £10,000 ring.

But I think there is a lot of judgement the other way too - just cos I chose not to spend a whole lot on an engagement/wedding ring does not mean I am judgemental or superior - I just would rather have not spent the money on that.
We have priorities that don't include jewellry. There's nothing wrong with that. Kind of afraid of saying what they are as am afraid I'll be judged about that!!!

RedRedWine1980 · 02/05/2010 13:12

also you want other women to be impressed when you show them... it is human nature.

I can 100% state that never crossed my mind- why on earth would other women matter a jot about something that it essentially between me and my DH?

MrsC2010 · 02/05/2010 13:15

I agree RedRedWine (I know haven't agreed totally so far!)...I know I don't look at other people's rings and have never contemplated people looking at mine and thinking it meant something more than just the promises DH and I were making to one another. The rings we exchanged were about us, no-one else came into it.

lucykate · 02/05/2010 13:18

gt17, the point others are trying to make though is that an amazing, impressive ring, does not need to cost the earth. price is irrelevant.

was it oscar wilde who said - 'a cynic knows the cost of everything, but the value of nothing'

LIZS · 02/05/2010 13:18

pp, no don't think so. tbh it turned out to not be so practical for everyday and I just don't really do jewellery on a day to day basis anyway. Value has absolutely nothing to do with it and I don't think you can really tell how much a ring is worth on a casual glance unless it is very ostentatious. I certainly don't go around valuing the longevity of others' relationships on the basis of a bit of bling ! Incidently the watch I bought dh no longer works but hardly surprising as we've been married almost 20 years.

Gay40 · 02/05/2010 13:18

Tends to work the other way for me. If I see someone sporting a huge rock, especially for something like an engagment (imo trivial) then I tend to class them as materialistic and vacuous.
An unusual ring - the best one being a silver wedding ring, made from some silver oddments he'd been given as a child, redesigned by the man himself and had made for his wife - says far more about the relationship.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 02/05/2010 13:21

Do people really want other people to be impressed by their rings? If so I must be a bit of a disappointment as I don't really do jewellery and don't think I look impressed enough at expensive rings as I always feel they are a waste of money and have a real hatred of gold jewellery. I'm not sure how convincing my 'very nice' sounds.

I don't wear my engagement ring now married, just my wedding room which isn't the original as it unfortunately started giving me a rash.

posieparker · 02/05/2010 13:54

LIZS, I was joking....ah, I see I put a hmm and not a wink! sorry!

Funny but if I look, big if, at anyone else's ring I think nothing....it's either nice or not, and not in the value sense. I don't think big rock therefore vacuous nor do I think cheap ring therefore tight/broke. Any judgement is usually do I like it or not.....

Redredwine....have you been on the red wine? Only I am scanning my posts and thought the general message was that if you don't care about jewellery and want a less expensive ring then that's fine, but if the ring you want is expensive and you can afford it then that's fine too. Seems as if you're projecting. In fact you're the only one who seems to think it's your way or wrong. I have also said that my ring, that I wear, is not particularly expensive so I am why you think I am a materialistic snob.

RedRedWine1980 · 02/05/2010 13:57

PP was it not YOU who said unless its a diamond that cost less than four figures 'its not worth having' and also belittled others who were not engaged thus not entitled to an opinion then had the nerve to tell someone that perhaps if their DH had spent more on their ring they'd have actually worn it?

Was it you or did someone hack your account or something and you havent sounded at all like a hefty price tag makes a great ring?

posieparker · 02/05/2010 14:05

Diamonds are not the only stones, and as far as I'm concerned having a half ct diamond would look rubbish on my hand. Also there are so many other stones that are cheaper, that choosing a small diamond just to have a diamond makes no sense to me.

So you can read what you like, you obviously have an issue with some men being generous and some women preferring a ring that costs more. You are trying to crowbar in your own agenda so carry on. Yawn, I prefer to think it's up to the individual but you, yawn yawn, think noone should have anything expensive because you have other issues.

RedRedWine1980 · 02/05/2010 14:08

Nope, no issues here thanks, perfectly happy marriage and life and no need to think the amount that my husband spends on me or me choosing something that others deem cheap validates our love/comitment for each other in anyway.

posieparker · 02/05/2010 14:10

Who said that it did? Fucking hell you do have issues. Noone has said of those that have less expensive pieces that the marriage isn't as valid, but it's not less valid or meaningful if the ring is hugely expensive....which is what you have implied.

RedRedWine1980 · 02/05/2010 14:14

Posie all ive said throughout this thread is spending a certain amount does not make a comitment any stronger or make you any more worthy or loved in the eyes of your fella. If you want to take umbridge with that than its up to you. But I do take offence when pricks who have no idea what something means to me say 'oh its not worth having if it costs less than four figures..' or are you going to deny saying that too?

RedRedWine1980 · 02/05/2010 14:16

posieparker Sat 01-May-10 14:58:17
It's true about white diamonds and price, you may as well just wear a price tag unless it's really unusual....and you can't get one worth wearing under £1000, probably £3k

So its okay for you to say something isnt worth having yet if someone contests that they have issues.... hmm seems rather unreasonable to me but hey ho...guess thats the way this place works sometimes!

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