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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
posieparker · 02/05/2010 09:56

All of you that are taking the moral 'the ring means nothing route' I hope you all live in tiny houses and wear supermarket clothes, because anything else is materialistic and sooooooo shameful.

IagreewithNick · 02/05/2010 10:00

I do live in a tiny cottage actually, I have not bought my own home. I don't buy supermarket clothes as I question the ethics of a t shirt that cost a few quid. Someone somewhere is being explioted. Most of my clothes are second hand tbh.

I do of course need to live somewhere and clothes to wear. They don't need to cost a fortune though. I don't need a lump of carbon on my finger to remind me of how much my partner loves me.

weegiemum · 02/05/2010 10:06

Its ridiculous to say that if you don't want a fancy ring (for whatever reason) then you have to have a small house/no car etc.

We have a pretty ordinary house. We have a 5 year old car. My £100 gold wedding ring is the most expensive piece of jewellry I own - I'm just not into it! And yes, maybe that is a moralist stance as I think spending huge amounts of I money on some metal and stones is wrong. But honestly just can't imagine how that would make me feel more loved or valued by dh. He's stood by me through many more things than I am prepared to talk about on an open forum. Why would a ring make that any more real???

RedRedWine1980 · 02/05/2010 10:12

Posie you sound like one of those hideous school children who look down on others for not having 'the most expensive' trainers..you seem to value everything in terms of cost and its horrendously vulgar and very chavesque tbh.

RedRedWine1980 · 02/05/2010 10:14

And what you said to IagreewithNick was ridiculous, just because someone isn't engaged themselves mean they aren't allowed a view?

frakkinnuts · 02/05/2010 10:16

Because it's a present IAGWN. It's an engagement gift (at least that's how mine was) and the most important thing for me was not how much money was spent but that he didn't have a price limit in mind to buy something I loved, that was unique and would have a lot of sentimental value. Obviously there must have been some kind of ceiling but I wouldn't have wanted him to go round thinking 'I have to spend £3k on a ring because that's my monthly salary' any more than I'd have wanted him to go round thinking 'I need £2k for a top of the range new laptop which means I can spend the rest on her and the cheaper the better'.

It seems as though the OP's DP is putting a limit on her present but doesn't blink about spending cash on himself. 1 months salary, I guess, is a kind of sacrifice which say 'I care more about you and something you love than I do about my new car/drum kit/suit'. That, more than the actual price of the ring, is what makes a ring special. If someone loves their £2 ring then that's great, but it all comes down to why their DP spent £2. £2 because it was gorgeous and had sentimental value, great! £2 because that was the absolute max he could afford and he bought that instead of the one Twix he allowed himself a month, great! £2 cos he was tight....not so great.

OrmRenewed · 02/05/2010 10:16

Well would you spend the equivalent on him? Does he get a lovely piece of jewellery to flash at his mates?

Don't be so crass.

CheekyVimtoGal · 02/05/2010 10:19

Well DH proposed to me 3 months after meeting me and he had already bought the ring with his mum. He got me a set, an engagement ring and a wedding ring and they total around £2000. I wasnt expecting it at all.

If he would have proposed to me and then we'd have gone to choose the ring i wouldn't have expected him to spend a grand on an engagement ring. I would have been happy without a ring.

I think if the value of an item like an engagement ring means everything to a women then the relationship is doomed from the start.

A relationship was set in stone WAY before an engagement ring became part of it, so why make a fuss about the value when a bloke wont spend alot of money on a ring? (if that makes sense)

pinkgrapefruitjuice · 02/05/2010 10:21

Tell him what you want. See if he agrees. Take it from there. Dont expect him to read your mind!

OrmRenewed · 02/05/2010 10:21

Mine cost 75 and was garnets and cubic zirconium I don't even like it much. But who cares? We are still married 18yrs later and DH bought me my first diamond last anniversary.

IagreewithNick · 02/05/2010 10:22

I agree that if he should be allowed to spend money on himself then she should be allowed to spend money on herself. But if the OP does not spend thousands on her partner why should he spend thousands on her.

Tbh it all sounds a little anachronistic, sordid and murky.

frakkinnuts · 02/05/2010 10:24

Out of interest I've only seen 2 or 3 people on this thread, including myself, who have bought or plan to buy their DP/DH an engagement present (traditionally a watch or a signet ring). Is this normal?!

diddl · 02/05/2010 10:25

"Tell him what you want. See if he agrees. Take it from there. Dont expect him to read your mind! "

That makes sense!

LIZS · 02/05/2010 10:25

yabu I rarely wear mine now - cost less than a week's wages when dh first started working !

weegiemum · 02/05/2010 10:25

I wouldn't want anyone spending thousands on me!

weegiemum · 02/05/2010 10:27

Oh and I bought my dh an engagement ring. Plain silver band (we went for gold when we got married). Cost £5. So am I the cheap one as he splashed out a whole £16 more than me?

OrmRenewed · 02/05/2010 10:27

Yes frakkin - it is unusual though it shouldn't be. I think an engagement ring for a woman is like putting a 'sold' sign up

jeee · 02/05/2010 10:30

My £200 ring lost its solitaire diamond. I now wear a £15 ring from Asda.

My DH might not have spent a month's salary on my engagement ring, but he did book a weekend in Rome and proposed in front of the Trevi Fountain, which gave fantastic memories to both of us. Much nicer than if he'd put that money towards a more expensive ring.

IagreewithNick · 02/05/2010 10:31

When I was engaged first time I bought my dp an engagement ring as it seemed odd that I had a ring and he did not.

This time there has been no big enagement, we just decided quietly on our own that we wanted to get married. So no presents from either side.

CheekyVimtoGal · 02/05/2010 10:44

I also bought DH an engagement ring, only a cheapy but he never took it off until our wedding morning when he swapped it for his wedding Ring

MrsC2010 · 02/05/2010 10:44

One last post ebfore I hide thread as the going round in circles is doing my head in.

  • Liking expensive things does not make a person shallow if:
a) they can afford them b) they don't like them over and above love, the person etc etc
  • Having an expensive engagement ring does not devalue a marriage or make the people involved shallow.
  • It is not 'chavvy' to like one's own expensive belongings if you don't place them above all else and can afford them. It would be distinctly chavvy to deny others that enjoyment or to judge people for having them AND not having them.
  • You are not more worthy, in love, sensible, grown-up, moral etc for not having an expensive engagement ring/engagement ring at all.
  • It is a personal decision whether or not to have an engagement ring...it is some people's decision not to have one because they don't like/want one. Cool, fair enough. It is some people's decision to have one. Cool, fair enough.
MrsC2010 · 02/05/2010 10:46

Grrr, meant to say that I don't judge people for not having engagement rings and certainly don't look at people's rings and 'judge' them on them. I couldn't care less to be honest. So why should it be alright for others to judge me because I have a pretty engagement ring, that we could afford easily, DH ADORED and chose himself and I love?

Megatron · 02/05/2010 10:52

If a man wants to spend a fortune on an engagement ring then fair enough. If he is expected to spend a fortune on an engagement ring to 'prove' his love to someone, then I would suggest that said man should run for the hills frankly. The cost of a ring should not have any bearing on the strength of a relationship, whether it be a cheap or expensive ring.

bumpsoon · 02/05/2010 10:55

my dh bought me an engagement ring with a speck of diamond in it , didnt cost alot and i admit i felt a bit petulant about it . The thing is though 7 years later ,we are still together ,i havent worn the ring for years ,cant wear it to work and have scratched countless things with the damn thing ,so was thinking of selling it. i wear my wedding ring all the time nd have no apsirations for a bigger rock ,as i would inevitably end up losing it in the muck heap /dog walking etc or scar my baby for life changing his nappy
If i were you i would go out and find a ring you like ,that you think you will be happy to wear for a very long time and then look at the price tag .I also second looking at vintage rings in high quality jewellers .

Peachy · 02/05/2010 10:59

posie exacctly
At the time of both my engagements (onme ewnded with an actual wedding) I was so head over heels that ahd I been presented with a £4 accesorise job I'd have somehoe comhured it into cute and kitsch and a sign we were above material things LOL

But tbh although I am not amterialistic I don't suppose there's anything wrong in wanting a fancy ring: what matters is how the discrepancy is dealt with. Face to face, with humour bodes well for the actual marraige; you can assess a lot about your chances for the suture by what happens now.