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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 23:35

if i wanted a bling ring id buy it.dont need a man to measure my worth by girth of his wallet

i know my worth and it isnt measured by someone else spending

vicariously judging self by amount spent is shallow

IagreewithNick · 01/05/2010 23:44

A generous man will spend a lot. A mean man will spend as little as he can. A man who falls somewhere in between those two parametres will spend as much as he can bear to on a woman he wants to impress/be generous to.

I just don't agree at all, my dp both adores me and is very generous. Like me though he would find spending thousands on a diamond rather vulgar especially when there would be much better ways of spending the money.

paininthefanjo · 01/05/2010 23:46

I posted it before and I'll post it again, some very shallow people on this thread with very strange views on what makes and/or symbolises a good marriage.

I pity some of you, really I do.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 01/05/2010 23:52

I haven't got one: it's a symbol of oppression. DH still seems to value me

scottishmummy · 02/05/2010 00:01

so poon hounds like tiger wood,john terry really love their missus cause they bought them a humongous ring. bet that makes the wifes happy - big ring,vacuous marriage,dirt shagger husband

janeite · 02/05/2010 00:10

YABVVVU - love is not measured by a piece of coal - and big rings are crap and crass anyway. Exactly what would it symbolise about your relationship anyway? To measure out your lives in 'stuff' is horrible - you must be an advertising agency's dream.

mumeeee · 02/05/2010 00:28

YABU one months salary is a lot of money to spend. How much or how little he spends does not relate at all on how much he loves you.DD1 nad my son in law went out together to choose her engagement ring. This is also what DH and I did.

JaneS · 02/05/2010 00:32

'Dunno about the flawless thing TBH LittleRed, I think you can tell the difference in that they care clearer and sparkle more. In small diamonds it wouldn't make a difference, it certainly wouldn't in the stones on the shoulder of a ring, or in a narrow eternity ring for example. In a solitaire I think you would tell.'

MrsC, I take your word for it, but if you look at how they grade clarity, there is a point at which experienced jewellers claim they can't tell with the naked eye - might it just be the placebo effect?

I do feel a bit sad now. I saved up to buy my DP a ring and I chose it very carefully, but if I were a man, some of you would be writing it off as not expensive enough. Nice.

Armi · 02/05/2010 01:23

'Not everyone is in the situation where it's a choice of either eating or buying the ring, you know. Some people do have sufficient disposable income that a few grand is really not going to make any difference to their lifestyle either in the short or the long-term'

Which is lovely for them...but I'm sure that a lot of people are finding times rather hard, so that makes it a bit tricky to be sympathetic to someone who - poor soul - is struggling with the idea that her partner might not buy her an enormous and fundamentally useless rock to go on her finger so she can show off to her friends.

jasper · 02/05/2010 01:29

I dont see the point of engagements never mind rings

mistletoekisses · 02/05/2010 07:05

OP - YANBU.

As many others have said, if you have the disposable income, then why shouldnt a certain amount be spent?

And my hubby got a lovely tag watch as a present from me.

rasputin · 02/05/2010 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foureleven · 02/05/2010 07:47

I havent read all the thread but wanted to add my opinion.

I was engaged to my daughters dad, I was prenant when he asked me and very low... I was depressed and he was a selfish and inconciderate partner.

Anyway, the ring he got me cost £149. It was the cheapest one in the shop and really wasnt my taste or style.

The fact that it was THE cheapest one was the worst thing because I knew that is why he got it. We didnt have heaps of money but to me the stingyness of his actions symbolised his whole attitude to me and our relationship.

So now I have a DP who I love dearly and I hope we will get married. Now, when it comes to that, its the being married that counts not the ring or the wedding etctec. But... I do think that investing a little bit more than the cost of the cheapest ring in the shop, and some thought in to what kind of ring I would like to wear for the rest of my life would be what he would give.

I wouldnt want him to spend a months salary though, thats ridiculous, where did that idea come from???!!

Ps I also have a friend whos husband bought her a 5k ring and was in bed with her bridesmain 2 months after the wedding... a huge diamond doent equal love!!!

posieparker · 02/05/2010 07:49

IagreewithNick.....ahem you aren't engaged so I wonder how you would know, really.

Op's DP has got disposable income, he does like spending.

nighbynight · 02/05/2010 07:51

Its a tricky question really. My instinctive response was that love is more important than materialism...but then in the context of your materialistic lifestyle tht you described in the OP, your point does make sense.

Top of the range phones can be 450+ pounds on the open market - it would be a bit surprising if his phone cost more than the engagement ring?

I would say that less materialism is good, but that the ring should have its proper place within whatever level of materialism you choose. if YSWIM!

Magaly · 02/05/2010 08:23

Yes SM I know my worth as well which is why I decided not to marry a man who wouldn't spend tuppence on me (with a row of expensive toys in the garage).

fourEleven, I hear you... you wouldn't have put up with that if you'd been yourself. You would have laughed at the irony and said "THE cheapest ring? The VERY cheapest ring in the SHOP? THAT is the one you want for me ?

Tiger Woods etc aren't relevant to a discussion about normal men. They can spend a twentieth of a months salary and still get a beautiful ring. It's not the same. Totally misleading comparison. Tiger Woods wife has a masters and speaks 3 languages and came from a privileged and educated background. FUCK knows why she isn't divorced already.

SeaTrek · 02/05/2010 08:50

I'm not sure whether you are BU or not tbh.

I've been married twice, and both times are finances were joint at the time of chosing an engagement ring - which we did together.

Without really deciding on an amount I think I/we chose a ring that was appropriate to our finances and my/our tastes. Neither were anything like a whole months salary but I don't think that is a useful measure anyway, especially was they are both relatively high earners and my full-time wage was also going into the pot.

I remember, chosing the second one, and it being a choice between that one and a similar but cheaper one (smaller diamond). I knew I loved the more expensive one though, and in the big scheme of things the extra few hundred pounds were worth paying for us. I still love it now and know the right decision was made on that.
Thankfully, all the even more expensive ones were not to my taste. I find very large diamonds quite vulgar.

emsyj · 02/05/2010 09:08

Armi, you just don't get it. If YOU are finding times hard then that's a shame. But there's no suggestion in the OP's post that she or her DP are in that situation. You sound very bitter that not everyone is having a bad time of it financially - but surely you must realise everyone has their own problems, just not all of them are monetary, that's all.

Also, who said anything about an 'enormous rock' or showing off to friends?? She just wants a nice engagement ring. He spends money on nice things for himself, she thinks it's reasonable for him to spend some of their money on something nice for her. An engagement ring is no more 'fundamentally useless' than a car that costs £50k as opposed to one that is perfectly adequate and functional and cost £2k. I don't understand why people are so against wanting a nice ring. If her DP doesn't want to buy her one, but is happy to spend a lot of money on things for himself, it's not unreasonable IMO that she is upset by that. If you had a couple who each needed a car to get to work and the husband bought himself a top of the range Mercedes but told his wife that she would have to drive a 15 year old Fiesta as he'd spent all their money on the Merc, I think the attitudes might be a bit different.

At the end of the day, as I've said before, when a couple can't agree about money it spells problems for the future.

weegiemum · 02/05/2010 09:15

By posieparker Sat 01-May-10 21:06:41
mm....so if your dh had been earning £100,000, had no debts, owned his own home, drove a £60k car and enjoyed 3 luxury holidays a year you would have been happy with a £21 ring from Argos?

Yup.

I don't value my relationship by moetary value.

I still wear my £21 ring, though dh is now a highly paid doctor and we own an almost mortage free home. And I've refused an eternity ring, jewellry as a "push present" (Oh how I hate that idea!!!) and anything else expensive but worthless.

IagreewithNick · 02/05/2010 09:28

Posie I have been engaged and married,
I had the husband earning in excess of 100K the rock blah blah blah.

I am in the process of planning my wedding. We spoke about engagements and rings and thought it was a pointless waste of money.

So I do know what I am talking about.

emsyj · 02/05/2010 09:30

Ah now that I can understand, weegiemum - I wouldn't want DH to spend ££££ on something that I considered worthless and pointless either. He has previously tried to buy me Gina shoes, which I thought were an utter waste of money, for example. He would also like me to spend more money on a nice wardrobe, but I am just not that interested in clothes and prefer to have the security of money in the bank.

But I really did want a lovely ring. I think it's okay if a nice ring is important to you. I don't think it means I value our relationship in terms of money. If he hadn't been able to afford to buy a nice ring, it wouldn't have mattered. But he COULD afford it, he wanted to buy it and I am very happy to have it. I don't see anything wrong with that.

muminthemiddle · 02/05/2010 09:32

Reading these posts it is becoming apparent why Britain has such a high rate of divorce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IagreewithNick · 02/05/2010 09:33

I suppose if you have the kind of man who flashes the cash on himself perhaps it feels odd when he spends money on himself if not you. Although I think that if you are a couple the money is shared so if you want a ring go and buy it yourself.

I just object to the idea that if a man with disposable income does not spend a fortune on a ring he is stingy and does not love you. My dp would not spend a fortune on a ring, thinking like me it would be inappropriate.

emsyj · 02/05/2010 09:38

But that's the thing, IagreewithNick. You AGREE that you don't want to spend money on rings. DH and I AGREED that we didn't want to spend £10k on a honeymoon or £30k on a wedding. That was our choice as a couple. We also AGREE that we don't need to buy a new car every year or go on holiday every year (which a lot of people think is very weird). If you and your DP are in agreement about money then that's great! The problem is that the OP and her DP have different ideas. That is an issue.

DH and I do share all our money but we would have to agree before one of us would spend a large sum, so I wouldn't personally go out and buy myself a diamond ring without his 'blessing', any more than he would go out and buy himself a Patek Philippe without mine.

IagreewithNick · 02/05/2010 09:43

I just don't get why she can't just withdraw the money and buy herself a ring if she wants one. If they don't have the money - and I sense she doesn't because she talks about not having any debt ( there seems to be an unwritten yet) - the ring shouldn't even be considered IMO but then neither should all of the other things.

You only live in a materialistic world if you choose to, why not grow some bollocks and stand up against it.

I also don't get how a bit of metal and carbon can be a symbol of a relatiobship.

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