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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 01/05/2010 22:33

I don't know to be honest. I think that if he will happily spend £800 on a drum kit for himself but 'only' say £500 on a ring for your engagement then yes you could question his priorities...you vs drums?! But at the same time I am very very very against the principle of 'expecting' anything if you see what I mean...it implies that you wouldn't appreciate the sentiment behind something you didn't deem worthy if you see what I mean.

(PS: before anyone chimes in saying that I am putting down their £500 engagement rings I'm not at all, I plucked that figure out of thin air to use as a comparison to the figurative £800 for the drums.)

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 22:36

surely up to her fiancée how he spends his money.

if op wants bling ring - buy a bling ring with own money.dont be beholden or expectant to anyone else

MrsC2010 · 01/05/2010 22:38

Quite, I think that was what I meant in my somewhat convoluted little way!

paininthefanjo · 01/05/2010 22:48

Some very shallow people on this thread with very strange views on what makes and/or symbolises a good marriage.

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 22:58

marriage doesnt necessarily=good relationship.plenty married shits..john terry

emsyj · 01/05/2010 23:03

Absolutely peeing my pants laughing at the poster who said it was 'grotesque' to spend money on an engagement ring rather than children... Who said the OP has any children??? We didn't have any (still don't, just yet - 6 weeks to go...) when we got engaged. And for what it's worth, the purchase of an engagement ring doesn't have to be at the cost of other things. Not everyone is in the situation where it's a choice of either eating or buying the ring, you know. Some people do have sufficient disposable income that a few grand is really not going to make any difference to their lifestyle either in the short or the long-term . The suggestion that the kids will be shoeless and starving if an engagement ring is purchased is just beyond stupid. Does everyone with children have to live in penury from the moment they're born? Is every £ spent on something that doesn't benefit the children a grotesque waste? How ridiculous.

In answer to the various posts saying 'what does he get in return', in our case DH's wedding ring cost more than double what mine did (due to the weight of platinum required to make a ring in his size and the width he wanted) and his wedding suit was treble the price of my entire outfit. So it's swings and roundabouts. I got a lovely ring, DH got other things that he wanted.

MilaMae · 01/05/2010 23:04

Whilst we're on the subject are people aware of the human rights abuses inflicted on diamond workers particularly in Zimbabwe?

Torture and child labour is not uncommon.

Op when you frogmarch your dp down to Ratners try and make sure it's an ethical one.

Magaly · 01/05/2010 23:05

it depends what else he is prepared to spend money on. If the ring is STILL the most expensive thing he's bought in ages, then yabu, but if he's got two motorbikes that cost about 10k between them and a car worth 30k and he won't buy you a ring worth 3k then tell him you don't want to marry the mean fucker.

mememememeitsallaboutme · 01/05/2010 23:11

mine was 24k, which is about half a months salary for dp, but he can take it back. i'm not marrying him till he gets me a proper ring.

emsyj · 01/05/2010 23:13

If you buy a vintage ring then you can get a nicer quality stone for less than a new one would cost and the ethical issue is removed (I think...)

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 23:16

valuing oneself by what man spends upon you?Nice.good to see autonomous women dont reduce their worth to bling ring

frankly if you are daft enough to be wooed by someone sploshing dosh then you are really bought and sold - like the ring

Magaly · 01/05/2010 23:19

it gives a clue to how highly the man values you.

a valuable clue. In my case, my had no respect for me and funnily enough, wouldn't spend shit divided by 3 on a ring for me. Big clue. I didn't marry him.

Magaly · 01/05/2010 23:20

Do you have an engagement ring scottishmummy?

BarbieLovesKen · 01/05/2010 23:22

Sorry, have'nt read all of thread.

To be honest, I think YABU. At the same time I sort of understand.

I have a nice ring. Its fine - it wasnt exactly "cheap" and at the same time, definately wasnt expensive.

We were quite young when dh proposed, about 20 I think, with a small baby and a house to save up for. We could have afforded more, I suppose.

I initially loved it but then, as my friends etc began to get engaged and all these huge, fabulous rocks started popping up, I couldnt but feel jealous. I didnt like my ring anymore and wanted a bigger/ better/ nicer one. Im actually really, really embarrased to admit this now - its ridiculous to me but I put it down to my age at the time and probably level of maturity.

Now, my ring is fine - its lovely - if Im honest I dont give it all that much thought - its something I wore initially to let people know I was engaged, and now something I wear along with my wedding ring to let people know Im married. It is of sentimental value to me but being frank, I couldnt give a shit about its cost/ size or anything else to be honest - no significance -I think having two kids and a mortgage and growing up to a degree has done that to be and things like this have no relevance to me anymore.

I love that I have it, wouldnt change it and am glad we more than likely put the money we could have spent on it into our (now) home and bills etc..

Off subject, but think this is a bit like the whole "baby gift" thing (after giving birth), I admittedly expected one after I had dd (was 19) because someone had told me it was the norm. This time round (new baby number 2), Id have killed dh if had spent our money on rubbish for me - Id much rather he got the shopping in, got something for the kids or paid the electricity bill!!! Funny how priorities change, I suppose.

Ah, Im really beginning to sound like an auld married woman...

The best of luck to you both and congratulations on your engagement!! I really hope you get the ring you want.

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 23:24

a womans worth demonstrable by a ring.god all fuckin mighty

incomprehensible that we have higher education,gamut of choices but what supposedly matters is what someone else spends upon you

you want a bling ring you buy it!allowing oneself to be measured by money spent is hardly liberating,is it

emsyj · 01/05/2010 23:25

I wasn't 'wooed by someone sploshing dosh', nor did DH buy me - any more than I 'bought' him when he used our joint money from our joint account (have had fully pooled money for 5 years before engagement and marriage) to buy two bespoke suits and a new car for cash.

If a man doesn't want you to have anything nice for yourself (whatever that might be - regular trips to the hairdressers, a girlie holiday with friends, a nice pair of shoes, whatever you enjoy - including a ring, if that's something you want and that's important to you) then that is mean IF you can afford them. I don't like mean stingy men. DH is very careful with money in general and he doesn't piss it up the wall, but he is never mean with me.

Is there something fundamentally wrong with a man buying you a nice gift, then scottishmummy? Is a nice birthday present 'buying' you? Are you no better than a hooker if you have a nice engagement ring? I don't get it.

IagreewithNick · 01/05/2010 23:26

I had a rock costing a rather offensive amount of money from a man who looking back cared very little about me. The only good thing about the ring was the money it raised for charity when I gave it away.

Of course a man who loves you can give you an expensive ring but it proves nothing IMO.

soph24 · 01/05/2010 23:26

I can see what you mean. If you want an engagement ring it has to be a 'decent' one. I have been married twice I had the big engagement ring - marriage lasted 3 years. This time I chose not to have a ring - got a nice wedding one - but no engagement ring - just seemed unneccesary.

IagreewithNick · 01/05/2010 23:28

My dp is not mean or stingy, he would give his last penny to someone who needed it.

Magaly · 01/05/2010 23:29

you are being deliberately obtuse SM. No change there then.

A generous man will spend a lot. A mean man will spend as little as he can. A man who falls somewhere in between those two parametres will spend as much as he can bear to on a woman he wants to impress/be generous to.

If you think that there is absolutely NO clue to be taken as to a man's character and generosity to be taken from the type of ring he WANTS to buy for his fiancee, then you're being naive. And I don't think you're naive. I think you just really, really, really like arguing.

So SM do you have an engagement ring?! Elizabeth Duke's finest I presume?

sayithowitis · 01/05/2010 23:30

The rock on your finger could be the biggest in the world. But it's the quality of the rock upon which your marriage stands that is much, much more important.

It's a good job I didn't equate the size or cost of a ring to how much my DH loves me, or I would have missed out on a wonderful marriage of over 28 years.

FWIW, I never had an engagement ring until my silver wedding! And then, I wanted something small and beautiful to symbolise the beauty of our relationship, not something garish and showy.

posieparker · 01/05/2010 23:32

Malagy........fabulous post.

Goodnight.

Oilersgirl · 01/05/2010 23:33

Malagy - TYVM! Night, Night

BarbieLovesKen · 01/05/2010 23:33

magaly - sorry for butting in here but I couldnt agree with that - what about a sensible man? maybe he can afford more but things it would be more practical to spend on the marital home, children, education etc.. its still being decent to his future wife but perhaps in a more practical way?

BarbieLovesKen · 01/05/2010 23:34

THINKS