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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
SanctiMoanyArse · 01/05/2010 21:40

If you earn £10 k a moonth you can spend that and just have 2 months on £5k (ooh the ahardship)

If you earn £800 a m onth then you need every penny for bills

A ring says I love you and want it known

whetehr plastic or rare nouter mongolian raccoon mined diamond, it's the man that matters- the rest is shite frankly

(BTW I have a nice enough ring and am allergic to it soc an't wear that or any jewellry any more; it hasn't made a rats arse of difference)

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 21:42

wasnt aware love measured in carats,and bling

well if you are shallow enough to take relationship approbation from bling ring,then you value yourself poorly.and send clear message you and your relationship is a thing to be commodified

SanctiMoanyArse · 01/05/2010 21:42

' What shows the world that you are committed/married?? A RING!!!

Rubbish!

Its what is in your heart that counts

plenty of people have cheated or hirt their partners whilst wearing or removing a ring: if your heart is empty a ring will not fill the gap

Whereas many a person has stayed faithful without a ring. I love DH; the fact of no ring has not affected any of that. Why would it?

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 21:43

Exactly Sancti- what a load of childish boswelox-it sounds like little girls talking about being princesses or something.

KristinaM · 01/05/2010 21:44

different views on money are a major source of stress in many marriages

i suggest that you plan a long engagement

DinahRod · 01/05/2010 21:46

I make no apologies for my shallow magpie tendancies, my engagement ring did cost dh an arm and a leg at the time but I like the shine that comes off all the flawless diamonds

underactivethyroidmum · 01/05/2010 21:49

YABVU - I have a very small diamond engagement ring that my DH bought me when he proposed almost 16 years ago and before we had any money

Through sheer hard graft and a lot of sacrifices we are now in a very good financial position but I wouldn't have a new bigger/flashier/more expensive ring for the world - what matters is that he loves me and I love him - nothing else

Your love for him and his for you is the most important thing. It will bind you together through good times and bad - unlike a fancy ring which is nothing more than a trinket.

Love unlike diamonds or gold cannot be bought or sold and if you place a fancy ring before your love for him you should not marry him

PartialToACupOfMilo · 01/05/2010 21:50

I may be wrong but wasn't an engagement ring originally given so that if the man broke it off the woman could sell the ring as a kind of 'compensation'? Therefore does it follow, the higher the price you're looking for, the more doubtful you are of his sincerity???

I had always said I didn't want an engagement ring as it screamed 'SOLD!' However, I soon changed my mind when he proposed (with ring).
I was really happy that he'd spent the time looking for a ring I'd like and had waited for the right moment to propose with it.
It didn't cost a fortune (definitely not a month's salary) and is an old Victorian one, so someone also wore it before me (but I find that romantic rather than icky ).

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 21:54

see thing is if i want a ring i buy it.dont need a man to buy me it.dont value myself or my relationship by consumer durables

Armi · 01/05/2010 21:59

When my husband proposed to me he did it with a £7 ring from Argos (after apparently causing quite a stir at the Elizabeth Duke counter by announcing, 'I'm going to propose to my girlfriend - what's the cheapest, tackiest ring you've got?' ). A few days later we went ring shopping together (not at Argos) - he repeated the 'one month's wages' thing and whilst it was nice to have the option, I really felt the money would be better spent on other stuff so I chose a relatively cheap ring which I absolutely love. I also keep my £7 Elizabeth Duke number carefully packed up and locked away because it's priceless to me.

Shrugs Some people think it's important to have a flashy ring to wave around to show other people, others are perfectly happy without one....just as some people feel it's important to wear designer clothes and have £500 handbags whereas others are just peachy in a pair of old jeans and a £30 bag from M&S. As long as all concerned are happy it doesn't really matter. Of course, if it's a case of needing something flash-looking to prove to others how well off you are, then it's a bit dicey. You could always just sellotape your bank statement to your coat and have done with it.

SethStarkaddersMum · 01/05/2010 22:00

we bought a cheapie ring and spent the rest of the money on a canoe. Far more romantic IMO.

Snobear4000 · 01/05/2010 22:02

YABU.

Marriage is everything. Engagements mean nothing. SIL has been engaged eight times and eight blokes spend a lot of money on eight rings.

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 22:04

LOL eight times.is she chronically indecisive ?bad judge of character?cant say no

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 22:06

marriage is only everything if you deem it so.i dont deem it so

Joolyjoolyjoo · 01/05/2010 22:09

I never ever wanted an expensive ring- I knew I'd only worry about losing it. And I'm not a big ostentatious kinda gal. My engagement ring is fairly plain, and cost an amount of money that I could live with. DH's salary never came into it. I really don't buy into the whol "the more it costs the better it must be" mentality. Have seen some (to me) horrendous flashy rings that must have cost a fortune. Not my style, but each to their own

MrsC2010 · 01/05/2010 22:09

Dunno about the flawless thing TBH LittleRed, I think you can tell the difference in that they care clearer and sparkle more. In small diamonds it wouldn't make a difference, it certainly wouldn't in the stones on the shoulder of a ring, or in a narrow eternity ring for example. In a solitaire I think you would tell. The cut is very important though, as is the colour. And yes, personally I like the thought of something so naturally perfect, well, much more than I like the thought of something bigger for the sake of it if you see what I mean. Mine's just pretty as against flashy, which is why I like it. But I like it more because DH fell in love with it and chose it with me in mind. If he'd have proposed without a ring, and we never bothered and just went ahead and got married, it wouldn't have bothered me. As it was, I have a lovely momento of the sheer surprise/shock/elation I felt when he proposed. If we ever needed the money to survive I would sell it, as we are more important...doesn't mean I wouldn't cry though! A lot!

People like different things. Some like canoes, some like rings. If we've learnt one thing from this thread that'll be it I reckon!

BeenBeta · 01/05/2010 22:10

YABVU ..... to think that a woman threw herself under a race horse for emancipation and millions more burned bras for equality.

blueshoes · 01/05/2010 22:11

Don't buy the diamond in the UK. It is a rip off. Buy in Asia - you can get certified diamonds of all qualities for so much less.

OctaviaH · 01/05/2010 22:13

I think you are and you aren't being U.

I don't think I'm massively materialistic, I do love clothes more than I should but don't spend nearly as much as pre-kids, I like sourcing second hand/vintage stuff for the house but it has to be really really cheap and i enjoy doing it up. Love collecting books and DVDs for us & kids but these are always second-hand, pref. from indy bookshop... i know i should go to library more but love books so much and always have to pay more in fines eventually than if bought 2nd hand from amazon. actually thinking this makes me very materialistic but I do it in a way that costs very very little money...stingy materialist.

ANYWAY SORRY for burbling on about myself, the point is that we dont spend on electronics and cars (depreciation value) and the only valuable jewelry I own have been gifts, and it is not very much at all...mostly from boyfriends on the odd occasion, significant birthday gifts and bridesmaid gifts. I like the thought of being an old lady looking at my jewelry box smiling and having all the jewelry mean something more than how much it costs, (and dcs can hang onto it, i have very old family jewelry and it is a pleasure to keep and look at)...this obviously applies to an engagement ring, and dh did spend a fair amount on mine. not loads though...certainly in a different galaxy from JLO's ring (wasn't it something like 6 million?)

So it's fine if it's a one off, and jewelry tends to keep its value. but it sounds like you are real spenders in general...why do you need a flash car & electronic drum kit?? save your money for when you need it, or if its a really really really significant and justifiable purchase like an engagement ring.

MillyR · 01/05/2010 22:20

I think the ethics of the ring matter more than the value.

Ethical gold:

www.greengold-oroverde.org/loved_gold/

OctaviaH · 01/05/2010 22:22

I do wonder if this is all tied up in issues of self-worth...if not buying you an engagement ring is a signifier of being a selfish twunt generally then YANBU and should leave him immediately, if he's otherwise lovely and generous you should tell him how much it means to you and he will hopefully make a little trip to the jewelers

OctaviaH · 01/05/2010 22:29

although actually i do know where you're coming from with the electronics thing...DH had to be squashed out of buying £600 camera/playsation/IPad/iphone/macbook/mac tv.... mac everything actually. But wayy too expensive and unnecessary, have got apple mac though, even though dh says its too old (its brand new, 1yr & half)

It's different once you have a family, I know if we had no kids we'd be living in a house where literally everything had an apple symbol on top. Just saying maybe you need to rein in your dp's purchases, boys most definately do like their toys but not to the extent they'd really like!

loobylu3 · 01/05/2010 22:29

Is this a serious thread?
If it is, YABVU.

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 22:30

true self worth isnt valuing self by baubles or seeking approbation from others based upon baubles

IagreewithNick · 01/05/2010 22:31

If I wanted a ring I would withdraw money from my account and buy one. Dp could afford to buy me a rock, one of the reasons I love him so much is because he would not waste thousands of pounds on metal and carbon.