Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 01/05/2010 20:07

Is it just me, or is anyone else surprised that the ring is being bought with "his" money? By the time that we had decided to get married, we were thinking in terms of "our" money already. So it would have been half my money that was spent on the ring.

I say "would" because he asked me if I'd like a ring and I said no. I didn't see any point in a piece of jewellery that would have been completely impractical for me at work, and would have been irrelevant (to me) in less than a year, when I had the wedding ring on my finger.

Instead we saved up the money for a deposit for a house. I'm romantic like that.

dilemma456 · 01/05/2010 20:11

Message withdrawn

rollerbaby · 01/05/2010 20:11

1 month salary? More like 3 thank you very much. I was very happy to go along with tradition and wear his ring like the chattel I am... he he he. If you can afford it, do it! I wouldn't give a stuff what anyone thinks. I LOVE my engagement ring and look forward to passing it on to daughter one day.

LeQueen · 01/05/2010 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

taffetacat · 01/05/2010 20:16

Differing attitudes to money can cause friction in a marriage, so if this is at the heart of your issue, then its worth investigating further.

If, however, you just want a showy ring then thats different.

When DH and I got engaged, he lucked out as my Mum offered us a flashy multi diamond ring my Dad had bought her in Hong Kong many years ago that she no longer wore as it caught on things. I redesigned it, took it to a jewellers who took the diamonds out and created a new ring to my design, so DH ended up paying about £100 for it. When DS was born, we designed a necklace out of the remaining diamonds.

We don't have massively different attitudes to money, but he is a bit of a cobweb wallet. Still love him though.

MPuppykin · 01/05/2010 20:17

Yeah, I love love my engagement ring too. And yes, it did come from an auction. It is fairly classic, Victorian ring, and people ask me if i am superstitious because whoever had it before me had died... hence ring for sale. It does not bother me, because I hope whoever it used to belong to knows somehow how much I love it and I am taking care of it. DH and I went together to a few auctions and waited until we saw a ring we both liked. Possibly not incredibly romantic, but it suited us, and we used the money we had 'saved' for the mortgage.

LeQueen · 01/05/2010 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MilaMae · 01/05/2010 20:19

Blimey I'm a bit shocked at all this.See this is why I don't get the whole marriage thing and the importance put on it.

Dp and I have been together 20 years,we did get engaged and I get a temporary ring that was a hideous costume one that he got for a laugh.I politely said "it's lovely",inside the box he'd put a note saying "now you can choose one you really like".Anyhow then after trawling round Hatton Garden and me falling in love with several I got pg with twins we never thought we'd have. We never got the proper ring and we never got married as we ran out of money(IVF bills) and incentive,too busy on concentrating on our 3 babes and life I guess.

I don't have a ring to pass onto my dd but I do have a happy relationship and a good story which I think is worth far more.

Incidently I would kill dp if he spent all that money on a ring now, I'd far rather we spent it on the kids,showing them the world-they have a loooong list of countries they want to see

LeQueen · 01/05/2010 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tidey · 01/05/2010 20:22

What frickin difference does it make what it cost as long as you love it enough to wear for (hopefully) the rest of your life? I know people who have had thousands spent on rings and people who have had £40 ones from Argos, what matters is the meaning and whether you like it, surely?

marriednotdead · 01/05/2010 20:27

YANBU if you can afford to as long as it's in proportion to available capital. The whole one month thing is a jewellers adline. We decided that I could have a reasonably high priced ring as I would be wearing it every day for the rest of my life; my wedding dress was £175 (2004). No regrets

MilaMae · 01/05/2010 20:31

Re the op

I find putting all that importance on something so materialistic that just sits on your finger(it doesn't do anything) and could be spent on your children grotesque.

My dp would have quite rightly run for the hills if I put such importance in something so trivial.

I'd hate for my dd to know that I was like that,it's no different than her stamping her foot saying "I want,I want".I wouldn't condone that behavior in her so I certainly wouldn't in an adult.

The op sounds like a spoilt brat,you get what you get.You don't demand gifts and to be frank I'm shocked anybody thinks they need a months salary spent on them.

A ring is not a symbol of a relationship-2 happy people are,neither of which have been forced to spend money on the other because the other is threatening to throw a paddy.

Very shallow.

weegiemum · 01/05/2010 20:37

We were students when we got engaged.

My engagement ring is cubic zircona rom H.Samuel and cost £21.

I love it, because dh chose it for me.

I'd be far too scared I'd lose something expensive, tbh.

MilaMae · 01/05/2010 20:42

Sadly my hideous costume(must have only been worth a fiver) one got stolen,I was soooo upset.

Only good thing is somebody will have thought they nicked a prize-they sooooo didn't. Would have been hopping mad when they found out what it was worth.

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 01/05/2010 20:45

Enjoy the tequila, Morloth!

posieparker · 01/05/2010 21:06

mm....so if your dh had been earning £100,000, had no debts, owned his own home, drove a £60k car and enjoyed 3 luxury holidays a year you would have been happy with a £21 ring from Argos?

Oilersgirl · 01/05/2010 21:15

MM - A ring IS a symbol of a relationship and a commitment between two people. If you don't think that someone deserves more than a cheap and nasty piece of glass then you really need to re-evaluate what relationships are all about. I would NEVER marry someone who thought that was all that they could give me to symbolise our commitment if they spent more money on fancy clothes, hobbies, etc.

You obviously get something that you love, at a price that is within your means whether it be at a high street jewelers, an auction, or a posh retailer.

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 21:22

op you have skewed values if ring size symbolises your relationship.what an avaricious and shallow pov

so if he put a chunky chicken sized diamond on your hand he loves you more than if it were modest ring

and the alleged guidelines are a marketing swizz probably invented by retailers to grab more money from gullible customers

you need to wise up.good relationship isnt measured by consumer durables.and no amount of frothing on about significance of ring size will change this

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 21:28

An engagement doesnt symbolise your comittment though- the marriage is what does that, as does being respectful, faithful etc etc..blimey OG you sound a bit like my five year old right about now!

darcymum · 01/05/2010 21:30

YABveryU shallow, shallow, shallow.

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 21:31

respectful,faithful etc are not unique to marriage.unmarried and cp can adhere to same principles

im not married (never will be) and we are cohesive,faithful and love and respect each other

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 21:33

Oh of course SM- however people are making like the bloody ring is the cementing comitment- it isnt its a frill which people get too hung up about.

JaneS · 01/05/2010 21:33

What is the deal with flawless diamonds? I've heard you can't see the difference - is it just the thought of knowing it's flawless that means something?

Oilersgirl · 01/05/2010 21:35

RRW - An engagement ring does symbolise these things. I wanted to know that the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with put time, effort, thought and money into a ring. Rings are exchanged in a marriage for exactly this, to show love, everlasting commitment, etc. A marriage is the work that comes afterwards. It does not 'symbolise' anything. What shows the world that you are committed/married?? A RING!!!

If others are 'happy' with cheap pieces of glass or nothing then good luck to you. I along with many others have a wonderful happy and long lasting relationship and a valuable ring to go with that.

lilmissmummy · 01/05/2010 21:38

I have a beautiful ring that my dh designed and picked out because he couldnt find anything that suited me in the shop. He then proposed with it. I dont care how much it cost. The fact that he put so much care and thought into finding something that I will wear for the rest of my life means more to me than money.

I bought him an engagement ring after he proposed. He still loves it and wears it on the other and for special occasions.