son not invited to best friend's birthday party

[NKfffffffff69f0b8aX12831245b1c]

I've been sharing a childcare arrangement with the parents of a friend & classmate of my son since they started school, now nearly three years. The boys spend two afternoons together after school every week, one day with me, one day with the mother of the other child. My son describes this boy as one of his three best friends.
AIBU to be upset that my son wasn't invited to this boy's birthday party this year and that the parents didn't even tell me so? And that when asked directly whether there was some confusion, as the boy had told my son that he was invited, the mother obviously changed the subject. Admittedly my son was there and doing the asking, so she'd have to have no heart to tell him. However, she could have offered to phone me later and tell me at a safe distance over the phone.
I'm so upset that the parents didn't at least give me some advance warning so I could prepare my son and help him come to terms with being left out.
How can I carry on letting these people look after my child when we can't communicate openly and they are prepared, for whatever reason, to hurt the feelings of a child I thought they cared for?
Any advice welcome, I know I have to deal with this and do what's best for my son.

how old?

how many children went to the party?

Seven and eight years old. I don't know how many went to the party but I think only 3 or 4 plus birthday boy. At least one of them was one of my son's other best friends, and I often have the three of them together...in fact, the parents of the birthday boy and other bf met each other through me.
Other bf parents and I are very careful not to leave anyone out and have discussed any problems that have come up and resolved them well. That kind of makes it hurt more, that otherwise I feel I'm amongst parents who do their best for the kids as individuals and as a group of friends.

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It's not about the party, it's about the trust and communication in the relationship between the two families.

Not sure what nubian is about but YANBU! I would expect a party invite under those circumstances. And the fact that she changed the subject would have be questioning the current arrangements....

What have the troops got to do with this? They chose to join the army...

OP YANBU. Could you talk again to the mum? Hope your ds is ok xx

nubian1 If you're so concerned about the death toll in Iraq and Afghanistan, then what on earth are you doing lolling around on Mumsnet?

nubian1, I think that was a bit unfair. Obviously OP's problem is not as bad as the one you have mentioned, but this is an open forum and people are allowed to ask for opinions on anything they wish, whether other people consider it important or not.

OP, I hope your son didn't feel too left out!

Thanks Portofino, me too. My worry is, if I drop the shared childcare, am I hurting my son? Suddenly he loses that contact without him choosing to. I should say that he doesn't know yet that he wasn't invited but he'll find out soon. I suppose I could try talking with the parents to see if we could agree to phase out the childcare arrangement. I figure if they didn't want my son at the party, they must have a problem with him (or me) that they haven't told me about. I'm so sad.

That's right nubian - none of us should ever worry or be upset on behalf of our children because people are dying in other parts of the world. That's even lamer than my mum telling me to eat my dinner because of starving children in Africa

OP - is there some reason you can think of? Has there been any kind of falling out or issue if you rack your brains? Seems very odd behaviour. Presumably your DS has been invited to parties before?

Nubian1 - a really helpful post - have you read much of MN?

NKfff - I'd have been annoyed/hurt too. To be honest although I'm not a lover of confrontation I would actually speak to the mother - something along the lines of 'is everything ok - has there been a falling out or something?'.

Seems very odd of them and I'd want to know whats prompted it.

well my ds and my very good friends ds who are also very good friends don't go to each others parties.
they used to but in the last few yrs (they are both 7) they are in different school yrs and have slightly different interests
We take her ds to pub for a meal on ds' birthday in lieu of party invite

maybe they are planning somehting like this

I don't know. Especially when it's a party as small as that.
I'm thinking of just having 1 or 2 of DD's friends to do something special for her birthday this year. And if I go with that idea, I just know there's a mum who'll feel put out by it.
Thing is, it'd be to do with who DD wants to have with her - not who suits me for political reasons (adult friendships/childminding etc).

'Do you know that men and women are being killed daily in Iraq and Afghanistan, and here you are moaning because DS hasn't been invited to a party.'

Is this going to be the new 'There are children starving in Biafra' that haunted my early childhood?
I'm sure that any squaddies who are parents would want their children to be included in a best friend's party. My dad worried about how we were doing in school when he was in active service overseas. In fact I have yet to meet a squaddie who wouldn't be a bit pissed off at not being invited to a party that their mates were attending.

[hmnn] at Nubian.

YANBU. Whatever reasons there might be for your DS not to be invited I think you are right that there has been a breakdown in communication - which is integral to your childcare arrangements. A party snub is never nice but in this case it is loaded with potentially lots of other issues which can't really be ignored.

I think you need to bite the bullet and ask why your DS wasn't invited, tbh. Because if she does have a problem with your DS, then yes, I would reconsider the childcare arrangements. I wouldn't want him to go there any more if they have problems with him.

You really have to talk to her, find out what this is about.

for your DS, btw - I think that is a horrible thing to do to a little boy.

Nubian

LB, I wonder if your mum and mine know each other.

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My son has been invited to parties before. I always invite my son's friend to our parties. My son can sometimes find social events a bit overwhelming, and when he was younger I would always stay and help out at parties so that I could give him a bit of support if he needed it. Lately he's been going to parties without me and managing fine.

bit mean! i would be angry myself, sure it wasn't just a family affair type party?

paisleyleaf, the OP said that the DS told her DS that he was invited, so I'm guessing he wanted him there?

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oh shut up nubian! life goes on you know with all it's little annoying problems.