son not invited to best friend's birthday party

[NKfffffffff69f0b8aX12831245b1c]

I've been sharing a childcare arrangement with the parents of a friend & classmate of my son since they started school, now nearly three years. The boys spend two afternoons together after school every week, one day with me, one day with the mother of the other child. My son describes this boy as one of his three best friends.
AIBU to be upset that my son wasn't invited to this boy's birthday party this year and that the parents didn't even tell me so? And that when asked directly whether there was some confusion, as the boy had told my son that he was invited, the mother obviously changed the subject. Admittedly my son was there and doing the asking, so she'd have to have no heart to tell him. However, she could have offered to phone me later and tell me at a safe distance over the phone.
I'm so upset that the parents didn't at least give me some advance warning so I could prepare my son and help him come to terms with being left out.
How can I carry on letting these people look after my child when we can't communicate openly and they are prepared, for whatever reason, to hurt the feelings of a child I thought they cared for?
Any advice welcome, I know I have to deal with this and do what's best for my son.

Thank you frecklyspeckly, I think that especially when the kids are young it's the parents'job to teach them about friendship, social ties and kindness. There've been times I've had to work very hard talking to my ds about how his actions might make other people feel and to put himself in their shoes. It can be hard work, but it does work and he has grown with those discussions to have a better understanding of other people's points of view and their feelings and how different is just different, not better or worse (unless it's snubbing a vulnerable 7 year old, then it's just downright f awful).

Outrageous insensitivity - I would be really annoyed. I'd feel like me son had beed slighted. As you are aware u have 2 choice ignore the issue and move on or cut contact. Your choice will depend on your relationship with them otherwise- only you know the ins and outs.

I definately would NOT ask them about it or get involved in any sort of confrontation. There is no point asking as you will likely only get bullshit. nothing they will say will make you feel better about it.

Ds has just had a party and I limited it to 6 friends ( 9 ended up coming) However 2 or 3 of those were people that I kind of insisted on because of the friendships I have with the parents. It's the last year I'll do it though ( and the last child too, DD will get alot more free reign).

I also said no, to 2 children who had parties, he wasn't invited to but he wanted them to come to his party. Its really interesting to know that this happens all over and not just at my small village school!

I think its me here that's learnt a lesson, well done OP for posting this one.

However, in relation to the childcare , I would bring it up with the parent, say its awkward but bring it up and get it over and done with rather than dwell on it and then lose the opportunity to. Say that ds was upset about it and you really wanted to give their ds a present etc.

Let us know what you do.

PLEASE don't bring this up with the other parent.

The birthday boy was limited to 3 guests and your child was not chosen. That's about it. Please don't get too upset about it.

My kids are 11,9, and 8 and this sort of thing has happened several times. In the nicest possible way, you need to toughen up

jasper if this were a normal "child in the class hasn't invited my DS" situation I would completely agree with you - but in this situation, where the other mother has care of the OP's DS regularly, I think I would be inclined to find out what had happened for him to be excluded.

I wouldn't want someone looking after my DS if I thought she had issues/problems with him.

I can see why there is upset at not being invited but I don't agree that because they look after each other's children an invitation should be a given.

We're not actually talking about a child being excluded here - if it was a whole class party and the child wasn't invited then of course, but it was a party with just three children, in which case others will have been "excluded" too.

I set a limit of three children for ds' birthday last year, esp given I had to collect them all from school. Ds came home on the monday and informed me he'd invited a 4th child, and he got a talking to about not inviting children he hadn't told me about, but given he'd already invited him I made the allowance. But there were children who live close, who ds plays with, who I have looked after/collected/taken to/from school etc, and not inviting them was not a deliberate exclusion, it was purely because I couldn't accommodate any more children, and ds should have the right to choose who he invites to his party.

And if any other parent had come up to me and wanted to know why their child wasn't invited I'd be a bit pissed off tbh.

Op - you do need to toughen up a bit and not take it so personally.

But the regular care is something that's inflicted on the children, rather than playdates they've freely chosen.

exactly paisley.

Thumb maybe that is exactly why birthday boy has not chosen OP's son - because he already sees a whole lot of him.

The point is it is not for us to figure out why our child is or is not invited to a thing. An invitation is a privilege, never a right.

Not getting invited to things is something that happens all through life. Good to get used to it early.

yy jasper, I see that point too - but if it were me I would still find out if that was the only reason or if there were some underlying other cause. Really, I would prefer to know if my DS was less than welcome in someone else's home - I would not like him to go there again if he were.

YANBU I would be and , especially with your current arrangements thats just so bad on behalf of the mother. As someone on here said, your ds may view this friend as a best friend, but it may not be reciprocated by the other boy. Just because you have some sort of childcare arrangements does not mean that this boy sees your son as his best friend. It obviously was a very small party for just his best friends. If i were you i would not confront the mother about this, but gradually withdraw from the arrangement and not invite this boy to your ds birthday in the future.

I think you need to talk to the mother. You will not be happy unless you do, and can't continue your present arrangements with hidden bad feeling. However she may have a perfectly good reason (can only fit 3 in the car, and he wasn't one of the top 3 mentioned).
I have had children asking my DC if they can come to their parties, even begging them.
I have also had the experience where almost every boy in my DSs year was invited to a party, except my son. It was a football party and my son doesn't like football, but he was still hurt. (The party was a prize and was up to 30 children, personally I would have seen if there was anyway they could stretch it to 33 so all the boys could hae gone.)
However my son got over it quickly.

you need to ask her, as I can see that contunuing with this arrangement is going to be quite hard now. I dont actually think you have any choice! If you complete the arrangement you will always wonder why, and if you continue there will be simmering resentment

Kust ask, nicely in the @is there a problem@ way

I feel humiliated that I had to ask whether ds had been invited to a party, my ds holding my hand, and even then they still didn't have the grace to be honest. I'm very sad and very angry. I feel like a kid for taking this so seriously, and I feel like I did when I lost a friend a few years back, like I'm grieving. And either today or tomorrow I have to be an adult again and deal with it effectively for my ds's sake, when he finds out. I think being left out is something we all have to face. Having friends break our trust is hopefully a less frequent occurrence.

you asked her? what did she say, sorry got lost on this thread

what on earth was nubian saying!!??

wtf did she say then? How can she possibly sidestep a direct question?

So sorry that you are feeling so bad - are you going to continue with the childcare arrangements in the same way?

OP I'm sorry you're so upset.

I just wonder if you have you ever been in a situation where you're friends with someone who thinks you are closer than you think you actually are?

This has happened to me a few times, I'm just wondering if that's how her DS feels a bit about the relationship. That they get on but that he doesn't see your DS as a 'best friend'.

Horrible situation to be in but it does happen.

OP that is so hard.

I can understand why you would be upset, and i think you need to find out if they have a problem with your son.

I know it can be tough to hear - that people aren't fond of your child, but it happens...

Once my DD wasn't invited to a party, when most of the girls in the class were - only 2 weren't invited, and the birthday girl was the head teacher's daughter.

She was 5 at the time, and it was very difficult.

It turns out that my DD had made a comment to the birthday girl about her weight.

Yes. I know.

It was a big learning experience for my daughter, and tbh if I was the birthday girl's parents I probably wouldn't have invited her either.

Our children are not angels, and they make mistakes.

I think you need to find out if he has behaved in a way that has made the parents want to cut back the friendship.

Happy ending: I had a big talk with DD and five years later her and birthday-girl-who-didn't-invite-her are great friends.

Condensedmilkaddict, thanks, it's good to be reminded how things can change over time.

ELCS, Yes, I've felt more strongly about friends than they have about me, and vice versa, I suppose that's just part of life.
I don't mind if that's the case, you can't be made to like someone more, it's the way the parents have handled it that upsets me. Given enough warning I can help my son deal with pretty much anything. He lost one of his grannies age 2, was very aware of what was going on, and we managed to help him understand and accept that. I've helped him with lots of tricky social things before. It's because there's the relationship between the kids and the relationship between the adults that this is harder for me to manage. I feel my trust has been broken.

Thumbwitch, she talked about the immediate family doing something to celebrate the birthday, that's how she sidestepped a direct question. There was also a birthday party with child friends, not family, a couple of days later.

Why will your son 'find out'? They are only at each other's houses once a week and the other child may not bring it up. I think if you make a big deal of it and 'help him cope' it makes it a big deal (it's not similar to the death of a granny at all in this way). My guess is that the birthday boy was told he could bring three friends and he chose three friends (and not your son) for all kinds of reasons you can't imagine aged 6. It's not reasonable to expect him to be one, he might be slightly miffed at not being chosen (probably not as much as you!),but I think it's reasonable. Really. The mother feels cornered by you and like she 'should' have invited him, but I guess she left it up to her son (as is correct, IMO). I don't think anyone has 'broken your trust', I think you have amplified a slightly delicate situation so it's now difficult to resolve, but I would look to make light of it now (or ask in a not too fussed way) and get back on track. And certainly don't drag your son into this by 'preparing' him for this terrible eventuality.

Oh gawd - parties are so awkward.

This year we're short of cash and could either do a party for nursery pals or for out of school pals. DH wanted to do one for out of school pals BUT one of them also attends the nursery (and is part of a gang of three with ds's out of school friends) and so all the kids would hear about it and ds was invited to quite a few nursery bds.

So we've dropped the idea for this year and will save like crazy for next year and he can have as many people as he wants!

You are right not to make your upset his upset but he will find out about it.

NK - if it was a normal school birthday party I'd agree with just letting it go.

However, I think that you need to 'get to the bottom' of it for your own peace of mind because of the shared care arrangement you have.

If it was a case of her DS only being allowed to choose 3 kids and your DS not being one of them, then it's just tough luck isn't it and no reason to stop the shared care, but it does sound like her DS wanted your DS to come - so why wasn't he invited?

Well, possibly her DS wanted 20 kids to come and didn't quite get the 'not asking them all when you are only allowed 3' bit or perhaphs there is a reason the parents didn't want your DS to be there and if that is the case you need to know what that reason is, then decide what to do about the childcare.

It would be a bit silly to stop the shared care arrangement if it's just a numbers thing... but you need to know for peace of mind

If someone tried to "get to the bottom" of why their kid was not invited to my kid's party under ANY circumstances (lived next door, always plated together, etc) I would honestly think they were loopy.

You cant have everyone at your party!!!

The childminding thing has NO relevance. PLEASE do not embarrass yourself.
Your child was not invited. You need to get over it. It is NOT a big deal

Ring her up and ask her if he's invited or not. Say her DS told your ds he was invited, but it didn't seem like it. Then she is the one who has to explain, and just try to listen.

Then get back to us with what she says.

So horrible when this stuff happens isn't it?

xx

Marmite he is NOT invited

Jasper speaks perfect sense .

The mum said to her son, "pick three friends." Next week, he might pick different friends. I doubt he agonised over it - perhaps they were the three he happened to have been playing with that lunchtime. It's not the UN, after all.

Going to a party's not so great, particularly if there's just a very few children!

But I can understand why you feel as you do. I'm sure that next week, it won't seem so important.