son not invited to best friend's birthday party

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I've been sharing a childcare arrangement with the parents of a friend & classmate of my son since they started school, now nearly three years. The boys spend two afternoons together after school every week, one day with me, one day with the mother of the other child. My son describes this boy as one of his three best friends.
AIBU to be upset that my son wasn't invited to this boy's birthday party this year and that the parents didn't even tell me so? And that when asked directly whether there was some confusion, as the boy had told my son that he was invited, the mother obviously changed the subject. Admittedly my son was there and doing the asking, so she'd have to have no heart to tell him. However, she could have offered to phone me later and tell me at a safe distance over the phone.
I'm so upset that the parents didn't at least give me some advance warning so I could prepare my son and help him come to terms with being left out.
How can I carry on letting these people look after my child when we can't communicate openly and they are prepared, for whatever reason, to hurt the feelings of a child I thought they cared for?
Any advice welcome, I know I have to deal with this and do what's best for my son.

I would say that perhaps you are being a little over-sensitive (if the reason is truly down to limited numbers or the fickle nature of young friendships), and that the other Mum is being insensitive (she had to have known you'd be aware of the party, and should have spoken to you about it).

My guess is that you feel closer to them than they feel to you, and this is evidence of that fact. It could have/should have been handled better. But don't pursue it further. It will make you look a bit desperate and insecure.

I'm sure it is painful (and the poor handling has made it worse), but think it is a clear sign that you/ds need to take a step back and widen the social circle a bit.

A similar thing happened to my ds many years ago (he is now 17!) and I was realy upset - to be honest, much more upset than he was. I don't know why he was left out of the party, but I'm pretty sure it was the mother's decision. I have realised over the years that she is very much the sort of person who picks people up and drops them (as friends) very frequently and consequently what she does is of very little importance to anyone with any sense. Don't sweat it - children are very resilient and it's not the end of the world, but I do understand that you are upset at the moment. Stay calm - everything will seem a lot easier in a few days when you have got over the inital hurt.

To me it's not about the party, I just wouldn't want someone looking after my child if they had no regard for his feelings, not even to the point of saying to me 'Sorry X didn't invite Y to his birthday party, he was told he could invite 3 kids and he chose A, B & C, you know what kids are like. I hope he isn't upset'.

If I was sharing care with someone, I'd want to know they actually cared about my child as I'd care about theirs.

Given what the OP has said, I'd be pretty hurt and wouldn't just feel it was "yet another kids party"

I can understand why it hurts, because they share child care arrangements! - its not like just another kid in school who you've never heard of before, or the invite arrives in the bag or doesn't even register as you haven't found it in time!

Personally - I'd be upset on behalf of my kid, but I wouldn't raise the subject with the parents what good would it do?

Forget it, cos your boy will, and he'll make better friends as he gets older.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

It is quite extraordinary that the parents of your son's friends feel able to exclude him - I am a veteran of children's parties and have honestly never seen such a thing before. I agree completely with the other posters who have said that it says something not very nice about them. In most social circles such crass behaviour would be unthinkable.

I think you need to concentrate on damage limitation now. I would organise something to do at the same time as this 'party' which you can let your son think is the reason why he does not attend. Grandparent or Aunt/Uncle visit and trip out would be the best I think.

Your son will forget this in time - but were I you I would not. Learn from this and think carefully about the parents of your child's friend.

Alicatte - totally agree with the distraction technique.

When my DD was 6 she was one of 3 not invited to a school party of 22. She didn't know why and asked the birthday kid where her invite was!? (Cringe) The worst part for me was that their teacher gave out the invites at the end of day which I thought was really shit, but to give her the benefit of the doubt, I think she assumed the entire class was going.

My DD asked the innocent question of where was her's? - the kids involved didn't know how to deal with that! - they were all so young..its us parents who have the hang ups. She was upset but we arranged a 'stay away' with my folks to distract her. She's over it, but I won't forget.

But now my policy is to invite her whole class to birthday do's, as over half don't turn up anyway. And my parties are not expensive affairs - pass the parcel in a room - it doesn't take much....

Exactly applesnpears - there is no need to exclude children, you just do what you can afford at the time.

I understand what you are saying Applesnpears. I do.

BUT I have to say that I don't force my kids to invite the bullies.
No way.

There is always a reason for a child not being invited - whether the reason is valid. Or not.

My previous post on this thread was about my daughter being excluded from a party, it was hard for her at the time but a valid lesson was learnt. She had said something thoughtless to the birthday girl about her weight.

On the other hand, my niece is SN and often misses out on an invite. Don't get me started on that

No I could not and would not confront the parents about it, does not make you look to good. As others have said it was a small party, mum asked the boys which three friends he wanted and and gave her the names and unfortunately your son was not on his list. As said before, your son probably sees him as a best friend, whereas this friend does not its a fact of life that continues into adulthood. Of course I would feel hurt and upset, but do not show that to your ds, gradually withdraw from the arrangements, dont say why just say that situation has changed for you. Like in real life if I saw a friend that I felt was a good friend but she/he did not feel the same way, tbh i would not like to have that much to do with that person tbh.

I don't see it as the same as inviting the whole class but 2 at all. To exclude just a couple when you're inviting so many does seem rotten.
But when you can only invite 3 - for whatever reasons (ticket prices/car space/how many children you're prepared to supervise etc), it's more of a birthday treat than a "party".
It just happens that the boy has more friends than he can invite.

I guess the mother didn't tell you because she thought you'd be upset about it and take it as a personal slant on your son.

Condensedmilkaddict, you mention your niece having SN and being missed out.
Part of my hurt here is that my ds has SN. We're not sure whether that affects how he can get on in the rough and tumble of kids in big groups, or if he is just the kind of person who sometimes gets easily upset, we're looking into it. But, regardless of why big group social stuff can sometimes be a bit difficult for him, I'm hurt that the adults in the story left him out of things knowing him as well as they do. This was a small group, relaxed, easy to manage.
And yes, Earlybird is right, I do need to step back and widen the social circle a bit, for me and my ds, cause I've realised over the weekend that a lot of my hurt is about me thinking that the mother and I were better friends, or at least that she had more care and respect for my family, than she obviously does. I can get over that, sure. My worry is that in a small school, where there's a smallish group of boys who play together and do out of school things together, this is the beginning of my son being marginalised. He's already teased a lot because you're almost guaranteed to get him upset when you tease him - must be irresistable for many kids.

Actually, when I say teased, some of it's downright bullying.
In spite of this he has good friends he really gets on well with, he's no charity case, he is good fun to be with and plays on an equal footing with the other kids. Just wanted to make it clear that I'm not expecting anyone to play with because of his SN - his SN is pretty much hidden too, and I don't talk about it with the other parents.

What was it they were doing for the party? Was it food and games at the boys house?

Sounds a little similar to my son who was also excluded from his best friend's party 2 years running (he is in Yr 2).

I was hurt but put it to one side and got on with things. However, as it turned out I should not have done. The parents did have a problem with my son (he too does not react well in group environments) and rather than discuss it with me, went to talk to the school about it. Hearing this from the school rocked my world and ds suddenly found himself unable to play with his best friend so it was pretty hard for him too. I wish I had asked the other mother in a round about way much earlier if her son wanted my son to keep his distance. I would however avoid asked her directly and just try and steer the conversation in that direction.

If your ds is not great in groups, could I recommend football? It has been the salvation of my son and transformed his relationships with people and helped him to better understand group dynamics.

Paisleyleaf they went out to a big public park and played games. It's within walking distance, though there are buses to take you there, it's free entry and I'm sure they took a picnic. It wasn't money and they could easily have taken another one or two kids. They'd also know from experience that I would be happy to go along to help out. Hey, maybe it's me!!!
Gooseyloosey, that's shocking behaviour by your son's bf parents. What a shock to find out like that. Glad your son's getting on well now. Thanks for the football recommendation. I'm looking for some similar group activity but not sport as ds's SN affects his abilities there big time.

Was it sports games perhaps?
(Not being invited to a public park within walking distance does seem a bit off - I'd been thinking it might have been something they needed to pay for/drive to etc).

I think it was like a treasure hunt. DS is very bright and loves treasure hunts - he's got no problems there.

How have things been this week?

Did you share childcare as usual?

Did you speak to her?

Doesn't seem very fair at all.

Before you do anything or make a decision I would strongly suggest you speak to the parents in question. Just ask if you could have a quick word, explain that your curious as to why your son wasn't invited and say your wanting to ensure that there are no issues re the childcare arrangement that you need to know about.

Regarding your son - unfortunately being let down is a part of life. An that as much as we as parents want to protect our children from that fact, they inevitably do expereince at some point. Show him how to deal with it so that if and when he's left out or let down again in the future he'll know hot to deal with it so it doesn't affect him as much.

An some people are just darn ignorant

I'm so pleased, ds has said nothing about friend's party or not being invited - I think it has slipped past him. That's the best result, I spent five days expecting him to find out and feel sad, and I'm so glad he didn't.
I'm not asking him about it either, but I'm pretty sure he'd mention it if he knew about it.
I've kept to the childcare arrangement this week without speaking to the friend's parents about anything out of the ordinary. This is because if I'd had to talk about it I would have cried like a baby. You may think I'm soft, but I would've. There have been a few awkward moments between us this week, and friend's dad had a very pink face when I collected ds from their place. Some days I've only managed basic politeness with them, but at least I haven't shouted or cried.
I don't want to leave it though, and I do plan to ask friend's mum about it when I feel calmer. Not sure if she's hoping we'll all be too polite to talk about it.
Other bf's family have been very supportive, couldn't ask for nicer friends.

Well, I'm glad he hasn't been upset by it, but to be honest, that wasn't really my main issue with it - it was their attitude to it that bothered me. I think you have done the right thing though, by waiting until you could be less emotional about it. I would still need to talk to them though, because if there is something not right I would want it sorted before too much more shared childcare went on.... let us know how you get on when you talk to her !!

(and no, I don't think you're soft - well you are, but no softer than me - so that's ok! )

Ok, so I talked to the mum when I felt more able to be reasonable and not seem like a big bunny-boiling, stalking former friend you're actually scared of.
I didn't ask about the party as I decided that if they thought it ok not to invite my ds then that was their decision and not really up for discussion. It's not what I would do but I obviously have different values and priorities.
I did ask if everything was ok with the childcare and whether my ds had been well behaved or had there been any problems. The response - no, there were no problems and he and his friend are fine with each other...
She did say that she had decided to let her ds make up his own mind about who to socialise with, the implication being that her son had chosen not to ask my ds to the party. Fair enough. I left plenty of open space for her to address the fact that she didn't tell me about the party or my ds not being invited and she chose not to talk about it with me (despite the fact that I was very obviously upset by it - I'm afraid I wear my heart on my sleeve).
I've done what I think is best for my ds by not forcing a confrontation. My feelings are hurt...these are the only parents of child's friend I can imagine not talking openly about something that concerns the kids' feelings like this.
I feel I should encourage my ds to widen his circle of friends now. It's a bit brutal, though, isn't it? This friend may not like you as much so let's find another...
I am a bit concerned about asking this friend to do anything socially - I don't like the feeling of not being sure about whether the parents will deal with me honestly and directly if there's a problem, or even if they just don't fancy the invitation much. Ah well, that's life, but it's easier to deal with when the relationship only involves the grown ups.

OK, so now you know.Brave of youand well done.

With my child I'd ask who he wanted plus I'd invite others I felt appropriate. I think this child's parents were a bit misguided here. We are having an event for ds (much younger) he's given us a list of who he wants to invite and I've filled in the gaps so to speak. There are always gaps (ie I've invited a few nursery people he's 'forgotten' and also a few outside kids who's mothers are my friends).

What's done is done and ensure your kid widen's their social circle.

Move on now - your son will be fine. Hurtful but I think parties are way way to political.

Bollocks. You don't let your child invite 3 and leave 1 out when they're all good friends. That's nasty. I wouldn't let them near my child again TBH