son not invited to best friend's birthday party

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I've been sharing a childcare arrangement with the parents of a friend & classmate of my son since they started school, now nearly three years. The boys spend two afternoons together after school every week, one day with me, one day with the mother of the other child. My son describes this boy as one of his three best friends.
AIBU to be upset that my son wasn't invited to this boy's birthday party this year and that the parents didn't even tell me so? And that when asked directly whether there was some confusion, as the boy had told my son that he was invited, the mother obviously changed the subject. Admittedly my son was there and doing the asking, so she'd have to have no heart to tell him. However, she could have offered to phone me later and tell me at a safe distance over the phone.
I'm so upset that the parents didn't at least give me some advance warning so I could prepare my son and help him come to terms with being left out.
How can I carry on letting these people look after my child when we can't communicate openly and they are prepared, for whatever reason, to hurt the feelings of a child I thought they cared for?
Any advice welcome, I know I have to deal with this and do what's best for my son.

perhaps this will help, Nubian

here

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hang on, who's the "T"? ME or nubian?

If they appear a bit shifty it could simply be that they feel uncomfortable about the situation but don't know how to bring it up and discuss with you. I'm always rubbish in these sort of situations.

Its best if you just get it out in the open otherwise you will be imagining all sorts of scenarios and I bet you will feel better once you have spoken with them.

I think you need to review the childcare arrangements. I know I would if it was me. Can't you just say "DS was really upset about the birthday party and I don't know what to say to him" thereby putting the ball in her court. The other mum sounds really feeble tbh, the type of people who worry about the guest list for a 7-year old's birthday party would have a few excuses up their sleeve, I would have thought.

I'm pretty sure its not you Greensleeves

not you GS!

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THumbwitch I am guessing the 3 party guests were selected , not including OPs son and the birthday boy mistakenly WHEN ASKED OUTRIGHT said OPs boy was invited, leading to embarrassment all round because he was actually not one of the 3 .

3 is a very small number for a party.

You cant get upset at your kid not being invited to stuff. Most kids were not invited to that particular party!

OP sorry if I missed it but was your son upset at being left out or was it more you who was upset?

sounds like a tricky situation to handle. I'd feel awful if it was my DS...but could you carry on regardless so perhaps keeping the arrangement in place,inviting her Ds to your DS's party for eg. Has DS said he's unhappy going to their house for childcare for eg? Has he said anything about the other child or is upset by him or anything? If other than this situation things are carrying on and your DS is ok, I wonder whether you should let her raise the arrangement not working rather than you. I almost think that she's made this situation awkward so let her do the running unless of course it's at all having an effect on your DS.

I suspect though it's on your mind a lot otherwise you wouldn't have posted here so my suggestion may in theory sound easy but in practice not !!

HTH's

I can't see how you got that from the op Jasper - it says that the boy told the OP's DS that he was invited and he then asked the mum because of the confusion and she shied away from answering.

Still, I wasn't there either so who knows how it went down - the only way to find out is for the OP to ask the mother outright about it.

And in this case I think the OP and her son do have grounds to be upset.

Jasper, you might be right, it may be that the birthday boy didn't want to say my ds wasn't invited, I don't know. I try to be sensitive when talking to other parents about their kids because it's the right thing to do and because I know how I feel when it's my kid who needs a bit of help or a talking to. In fact, it's been rare that we've needed to tell the other parent about difficult behaviour or any other problems.
My son doesn't know yet that there was a party that he wasn't invited to. I expect he'll be upset but there's always the chance that I'll be wrong. Knowing him, realistically he is going to be very upset. Possibly at school when he finds out. I'm waiting to see how he takes the news and I'll follow his lead, I don't want my upset to become his.

nubian, i cant see why this thread has touched a raw nerve!!!

you not the birthday boys mum r you????????

See, Nubian, that's what's GREAT about our little Island.

We are GREAT in a crisis.

When the chips are down, we can all pull together. That's what we do.

Doesn't mean we don't sweat the small stuff at other times.

I am not sure what you are going through right now, but you sure as hell are in the wrong place right now.

There are lots of boards here - there are ones that can help you. This is not the one for you.

The OP has every right to worry about her son. We all worry about our sons, whether they are in Abingdon or Afghanistan. We are all mothers and all worry about our sons (and daughters).

Take your fight or argument to the right place please.

Re the other boy telling your son he was invited - if the subject of parties come up some kids like to tell everyone they are invited, even if their parents have told them there is a number limit. It doesn't mean they are actually on the guest list.

These relationships are all so tricky.
Like I said, I'd like to take 2 of DD's friends out for her birthday (I'm thinking of a ponytrek thing) - but I'm wondering if you need to do a massive party to accommodate everyone, or do nothing at at all to avoid disappointments/putting DD on the spot with other friends etc.
It's all just so awkward.

When I was at school there was a family on our street who my mum had a childminding swap thing going on with. We children all spent a lot of time together, but we never went to each other's birthdays, we would never actually have chosen to be friends.

Drusilla that is what I was trying to say but you said it better.

This all reminds me of when I told my mum dh and I were going to get married. Mt sister came into the room and my mum said "how would you like to be a bridesmaid at your sister's wedding?"
I had planned on asking my best friend

OMG jasper what did you do?

How excruciating!

greensleeves it was indeed excruciating.
I went to my bedroom and cried ( i was nineteen) then came downstairs and told my sister Mum had got the wrong end of the stick. My sister was fine about it.

it was all part of getting forced into a white church wedding i did not want . I wanted NO wedding at all but my parents would not hear of it. I do not recognise the person I was back then.

The marriage lasted just a few years

Jasper that is bad! Did you have both of them in the end? (this is one of the reasons why I didn't have any)

at least you had the balls to tell your sister though

your mum should have kept her trap shut!

I had a big flouncy white church wedding too, I can't quite believe we did it now

sorry Jasper, x-posted with you. Well done for sorting that out.

But Greensleeves, you are still together?
Thumbwitch it was extremely upsetting at the time, but I just thought I had to take the bull by the horns! All forgotten now

OP I feel for you. It is horrible the feeling of your child being left out by someone they really like. Something similar happened to my DS when I sort of assumed as I was friendly with the mum and the child had been the only one inited around to celebrate my ds birthday, it was a given he would be invited to hers when she had about ten children for her party. But she didn't. The mum looks so embarassed when I see her at school, but although I am upset on his behalf I do accept obviously she(the daughter) doesn't view him as part of her 'in-crowd'.I won't 'blank' the mum,and still exchange pleasantries, but at the same time, I won't forget it either. I just thought I personally wouldn't do it to another little one.
Having said that as much as we obviously love him both me and dh can see how ds can be very excitable and full-on, and maybe this child just didn't want him there as a result .

There will be many many parties and friends in the years to come, so don't get too downhearted.

I am not into big parties and always limit my kids to four guests (or less) for birthday treats. I am often surprised at who they choose, with apparent best pals not being chosen