son not invited to best friend's birthday party

[NKfffffffff69f0b8aX12831245b1c]

I've been sharing a childcare arrangement with the parents of a friend & classmate of my son since they started school, now nearly three years. The boys spend two afternoons together after school every week, one day with me, one day with the mother of the other child. My son describes this boy as one of his three best friends.
AIBU to be upset that my son wasn't invited to this boy's birthday party this year and that the parents didn't even tell me so? And that when asked directly whether there was some confusion, as the boy had told my son that he was invited, the mother obviously changed the subject. Admittedly my son was there and doing the asking, so she'd have to have no heart to tell him. However, she could have offered to phone me later and tell me at a safe distance over the phone.
I'm so upset that the parents didn't at least give me some advance warning so I could prepare my son and help him come to terms with being left out.
How can I carry on letting these people look after my child when we can't communicate openly and they are prepared, for whatever reason, to hurt the feelings of a child I thought they cared for?
Any advice welcome, I know I have to deal with this and do what's best for my son.

arf at nubian

I'm sure it wasn't a family party, I stood in the schoolyard and listened to other parents say how much their kids were looking forward to it. My friend, mum to my son's friend, said to me, "What are you doing this weekend? Of course, you'll be going to x's party tomorrow". She was super surprised to hear ds wasn't invited and suggested there had been one of those invitation left at school situations until I explained about birthday boy's mum avoiding the subject when my son and I asked her directly.

nubian1..do you know that none of NKfffffffff69f0b8aX128312..'s relatives are serving in Afghanistan or Iraq? Am I to stop worrying about dS1's verruca/nits/snotty nose because someone somewhere I've never met has cancer?
NKfffffffff69f0b8aX128312..., when this first happened to us, we (DS and I) were hurt and confused. I know it's would be really hard, but I think you need to ask the other mother directly why your DS hasn't been invited.

And try not to retaliate like I did by not inviting the other child to your DS's party. I still regret that.

I'd manage just fine Nubian because I have feelings and empathy - something you appear to lack.

HTH

perhaps we should cancel all events until the troops come home.

nubian you must be jesting surely???

Nubian....
Take your GREAT fight and your angry self someplace else.

YANBU.I would definitely rethink my cc arrangements.

thumbwitch, oh yes. (Just reread it).
Not a 'friendship' just to suit the adults' agenda then.
The mum's got a problem. How strange.

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Yes I think it's a bit unreasonable if you're sharing a childcare arrangement. Even if the two boys weren't friends, I think there are some people you have to invite. 'have to' as in, do you want the event to run smoothly or do you want to upset the people around you and leave a bad taste in your own mouth...

BUT... what can you do? You can't make other people see things in a reasonable way!

nubian1, why not post where people want to talk about your topic?

Until you've got to the bottom of this, let the childcare arrangements continue. But you do need to find out why they decided not to invite your DS.

Oh, NK...I don't have any advice, but I feel sad for your DS. I do think you should speak to his mum (as tactfully as you can manage...I would have a hard time being restrained!) and just find out if anything has happened. It's not fair if SHE is having a problem and taking out on your DS. Poor lad...

And nubian...WTF??? Do we think she is a troll, perhaps???

Nubian- perhaps you should start a thread in AIBU about this.

I think you need to have a chat with the mum and explain that your son feels hurt and is there a reason why he wasn't invited? You shouldn't change the childcare arrangements if you don't know what is going on in the background. It may be something fairly innoculous.

Nubian - The question was quite obvious in the thread title, you didn't need to come onto the thread just to be rude to the OP.

Thanks for thoughts, everyone. I obviously have to talk to the other mum about this. What would you consider a good reason for not inviting my son and not talking to me about it beforehand?
I'm with Magaly, there's a social contract there and there are some people you either have to invite or be grown-up enough to end the relationship before you party snub them (when they are 7 years old and you know them well enough to know how it will hurt their feelings and confidence).

It can be very difficult if one child considers the other to be a close/goood friend but it isn't actually mutually reciprocated.

Just because you swap childcare doesn't actually mean that the other boy would automatically see your son as one of his "special" friends.

It is tricky all around and it would have been far better if the other Mum had phoned you and explained the situation. My dd has never been invited to a party by one of her close/special/best friends as clearly the level of friendship isn't viewed the same way by the other child.

I'm presuming your DS isn't incredibly badly behaved, and doesn't jump on the sofas and swing from the curtains, and pull the cats tail.

That's the only reason I can think they wouldnt' invite him...or did they go somewhere in the car, and there was only limited space?

Nubian - it's not your generation (and mine), it's you.

YANBU - I'd wonder what was up.

Your poor DS.
YANBU

Recently DS was left out of a close friend's party and it hurt a bit, he was upset too.
We then decided to go to the cinema as a family and no prizes for guessing who we ended up sitting next to. Yes, that's right, the birthday boy, DS's classmates and the birthday boy's family.
Very awkward film watching experience!

Nubian is a troll....look at the other threads

NUbian, want to come round for a biscuit?
I am 47 too, I totally get your point.

OP. it's a good chance to tell your child that disappointments are part of life.

It is completely up to the other kid who they invite. If the kid is anything like my three primary school kids, if you were to ask them to invite 3 friends to a party it would be a different three every time you ask .
`Friendships at that age are very fluid! It's not like the whole class except your son was invited.

tHIS is not a big deal, really

No, he doesn't behave destructively or rowdily, the only thing he might do is get upset and have a cry if one of the other kids winds him up and I know that the birthday boy's parents can more than easily sort a situation like that out.

Nubian - is no one allowed to talk about smaller problems just because there are bigger ones out there? And its not a generational thing, I'm fifty and have problems of my own- but I don't think I have the right to gag everyone else because of them.

Sorry OP - I think it was mean to leave your little boy out of the party, can you do something fun with him on the day? - I think YANBU in wanting to know what's going on here.

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I'm 45. I would feel my DC's pain keenly if they weren't invited to a close friend's birthday. I'd be upset if it were me. Why aren't children allowed to have emotions?