AIBU to not want to breastfeed?

[VixeyV]

Hi this is my first post but I have been a lurker since the start of my pregnancy.

Anyway, my question is I'm 20 weeks pregnant and the midwife keeps pushing me into breastfeeding. I just don't want to and don't get why she won't stop asking me how I'll feed.

To be honest, the thought of it freaks me out. I didn't breastfeed my daughter and she's fine on formula, she has aptimal because that's the best.

So what do you think? Should my midwife stop nagging me?

This could go back and forth all day long.

It truly is a shame that BF threads often go the same way. I suppose in my idealistic world threads such as these, would be a force of good for BF. A positive outpouring of unity and strength. Sadly they usually end up as 'my statistics are bigger than yours' and people having to defend themselves. On both sides.

I really am going to take my own advice for the remainder of my pregnancy and avoid them.

Positivity to all.

But how? When you say anything good about breastfeeding, you get mocked. Look at all the loony love dance comments above. If you say breastfeeding has a great effect on bonding, you get attacked with 'Well I FF and have a great bond" If you say breastfeeding makes you feel good, you get a string of posters telling you it was agony for them.

I'm genuinely interested in how you can post positively about breastfeeding without coming across as smug.

Carmen - I agree and have posted about this before - How can the message be changed to promote breastfeeding in such a way that it isn't immediately jumped on as a criticism aimed at mums who use formula?

Plus what about the huge odds stacked against breastfeeding - such as cultural norms, marketing strategies from companies promoting formula thru' any means necessary, the messages that we then use when someone has switched - for whatever reason - to ensure that person doesn't feel guilty, mums discharged from hospital too quickly, lack of support from all sides, etc etc etc

What message should be used?

I dont think there is an easy answer. And thats why BF is at a record low.....

What pisses me off is there is LOADS of publicity about these women that BF till their kids are 30, and everyone goes "ugh gross". But nothing about normal day to day BF. Its sad IMO, as these stories make it appear gross and icky, unfairly so

BF needs rebranding

porcamiseria me nad dh were saying this when we were looking in a free book i got and all the pictures looked unlike anything a 'modern' woman would identify with!

and gibbon, i am shitting myself about bfing my next if and when, as i am all too aware of everything that could go wrong. thats only because i give a shit. i am still bfing 7mo old DS now and that has its challenges believe me. not much dancing going on over here at the mo, (although i totally see where you are coming from Titty) due to a shockingly distracted DS!

anyway, it is not the musings/ramblings/quotations/studies of an internet site that will make my decision for me but the situation itself.

and for the last time before i go slightly insane, the foundation for my 'bfing zealotry' is outrage at the stories i hear about women everywhere being let down by those they put their trust in.

for that, i will not be apologising.

I definitely think more education is needed on how to bf & the common problems. Being told that it's normal for it to be really difficult initially would be a start. I felt like I was doing something wrong because I struggled. ds1 was prem & severely jaundiced which meant that in his first week of life he was bf, cupfed & tubefed with breastmilk as well as being bottle fed both breastmilk & formula. I spent 6 hellish weeks struggling to bf him. It wasn't until I'd finally given up that my hv told me I'd done really well as because of him being small, weak & lethargic because of the jaundice bf was exceptionally difficult. Maybe I could have carried on if anyone had ever told me it would be really difficult but that we would get through it once he had recovered properly from the jaundice. With ds2 I made sure I knew everything I possibly could about bf, became totally obsessed by the subject. Breastmilk is amazing stuff. Then I spent a week in hospital at 26 weeks pg bleeding & having contractions & was then signed off work for the rest of my pregnancy & not allowed to do hardly anything. I was terrified for the whole 13 weeks before ds2 finally arrived fit & well after a horrifc labour. Sadly I was already depressed & mentally pretty weak by the time he arrived & I only managed to bf for 1 week as I couldn't cope with the problems I was having. I really wish I was more successful but given my circumstances don't really see how I could have ended up bfing for any longer. Threads like this are then very upsetting & maybe I should keep away from them but I can't seem to help myself. I don't want anyone to pretend formula is as good as breastmilk because it obviously isn't but would appreciate it if people thought when they post about the damage caused by ff that it's women like me that they're talking to & it hurts to be told we're damaging our beautiful babies.

Claire you would have damaged your beautiful baby if , for example, you dropped him down the stairs or left him outdoors on a freezing cold night. Feeding him formula is NOT GOING TO DAMAGE HIM!!! I have been on both sides of this fence as a BF mother and a FF feeding mother and do you know what IT DOESN"T MATTER THAT MUCH! Sorry for shouting but I find it a bit bloody irritating the amount of energy wasted arguing about this subject. This thread was started by a troll to stir shit ! I bet hr/she/it has loved all the crap that has been dished by both sides here.

I am pretty sure if you took a class of 5 or 10 year olds and looked at their health records (obviously with all references of feeding taken out) and did a physical that you could actually tell which were breastfed and which were ff.

I would be prepared to risk a few quid on betting that you couldn't, actually, bruffin! Assuming that the class was based in a rich Western country, and the children were from broadly similar socio-economic backgrounds, I reckon that it would be very hard indeed to tell.

Sorry sekgness I miss out the word NOT

claire, i don't think any comments have been directed at women that can't bf for any reason, like is you're case; don't torment yourself about ff, you have done what is best for your baby, that is make sure he is properly fed one way or another, formula doesn't damage babies, ideally all babies would be breast fed, but ideally i would be rich, not having to go to work and leave him in a nursery, able to afford all the nice stuff and experts to make sure i don't make anything wrong with his upbringing, ideally does not happen,...

"I am pretty sure if you took a class of 5 or 10 year olds and looked at their health records (obviously with all references of feeding taken out) and did a physical that you could actually tell which were breastfed and which were ff"

No, you couldn't. And you couldn't tell which children came from smoking households (other than by sniffing their clothes!) or were born to mothers who smoked and ate very poor diets in pregnancy. You would also not be able to tell which children were eating very poor diets at home - at least those children of normal weight. My 5 year old nephew eats NO fruit and NO vegetables at all. Nada. Nothing. He lives on sausages, bread, ham and cheese. And multi-vitamins. He looks like picture of health, despite his bloody awful diet.

Doesn't mean that children's health and development isn't affected by their diet as babies and after weaning.

I have heard that in unequal societies (like ours) a doctor trained to look for the signs can examine a child at five and tell which class s/he was from. I have heard that the teeth and ears are a big indication. Although I dont remember breast feeding being identifiable other than the poorer the parents the less likely the child was to have been breast fed.

No links sorry, just something I heard on the radio years ago.

"Feeding him formula is NOT GOING TO DAMAGE HIM!!! I have been on both sides of this fence as a BF mother and a FF feeding mother and do you know what IT DOESN"T MATTER THAT MUCH!"

I've got a textbook produced by the Royal College of Midwives on my bookshelf. It's on every student midwife's reading list. It's called 'Successful Breastfeeding', and it has a whole chapter on 'Risks of Artificial Feeding' which sets out all the research on the health problems associated with formula feeding. It would be really difficult for me to read this information and come to the same conclusion as you - that 'it doesn't matter' how a baby is fed.

I really do wish those of you who want to portray the debate on infant feeding choices as some sort of silly squabble about parenting choices could understand that there are those of us who see this as a public health issue, and that we're sincere in our interest in it - not seeing it as about judging individual parents but about the wider issues, like breastfeedng education, hospital practices, cultural expectations and commercial pressures on mothers.

It's galling to be told that you're an 'extremist' or a 'nazi' when you have arrived at a view of the issue after doing a lot of reading information from reputable, main-stream sources like the RCM and the NHS. I appreciate that the majority of people will make up their mind on the basis of anecdotal evidence, and they are entitled to do that, but those of us who choose not to should be allowed to express those beliefs when they're challenged to explain themselves, without copping a whole load of personal abuse and accusations of unkindness.

titty do you never tire of SHOUTING and berating mums for the choices they make.your style is alarmist and hectioring

a good starting point in any therapeutic or social, narrative and accepting that individuals make different choice.maybe for you those choices can jar or are incongruent but they must be acknowledged and in the least critical manner

numerous posters have attested that for what ever reasons they chose to formula feed.why dont you listen deeply and think empathically.how did that feel for them.think how you may make mums feel with your robust stance and endless citing of statistics

your passion is evident,but you style is hectoring and abrasive

maybe...type less abrasively ,cite less,read and think more

Where has she shouted? I have seen her be shouted AT.

guys fwiw i am not smug or patronizing - but obviously i am naive.

i feel for anyone who has struggled with bfing. again fwiw my daughter was in special care for over 2 weeks. when she was born, i had to express to maintain milk supply, she was tube and drip fed. i used to sweat trying to get her to latch on. i could go on, but basically it was the most awful time of my life and i certainly didn't find bfing positive, in fact i felt trapped by it. i fed her for 2 and a half years, but in secret, like it was shameful.

ds1 i had 5 years later, after a fairly late (12wks) missed miscarriage, and the penny began to drop - babies were there to be enjoyed, not worried over, i started to understand why people had children. i bf him because it was what i was used to, and i did have some very lovely times feeding him.

ds2 who is 8 mths old was a bit of a surprize. tbh i wasn't that keen on the idea, i didn't really want to tempt fate - i still didn't really believe that being pregnant guarenteed you a baby. again he is bf but so far i haven't had that many blissful moments, he has excma and is not always that comfortable. he has a bottle of formula every evening and has done since 5 mths.

i really do not judge. i think life is short. i think there are a few true pleasures and i think bfing is one of them, and yes i am sad if other women and their babies don't experience that.

so shoot me

'I am pretty sure if you took a class of 5 or 10 year olds and looked at their health records (obviously with all references of feeding taken out) and did a physical that you could actually tell which were breastfed and which were ff. '

This is utter rubbish!!! I have done it in school and children have filled in questionaires about feeding, first teeth, first steps etc and I can tell you for absolute certain that you can't tell!

You also can't look at the mothers and tell which ones would have bf.

nope tittybangbang wasn't shouting - she was quoting someone else further up the page.

spurious unfounded tosh.no physical ax will reveal feeding mode.

physical health is complex drawing upon
physiology
genes
socio-economics
nutrition
lifestyle

laughing at the line up

aptamil et al one side
breast fed other side
as neutral astute observer differentiates one from other

Much as I agree with TSC's post above, if you are talking about "marketing" breastfeeding, we have to remember that on this thread, nobody is particularly trying to deliver a message. Granted, the OP was a soon to be new mum who may have had some scope to reconsider her initial thoughts on her preferred feeding method, but hundreds of posts had gone by - it was a debate on the benefits of breastfeeding and the risks of formula feeding, as well as a general cost/benefit analysis of the two feeding methods.

Its not going to be printed on a leaflet and stuffed in a Bounty pack. Its a debate, and its doubtful whether persuesion was the aim.

TSC, I answered that point fairly closely on the other thread. Whatever I do IRL, I'm not a counselor, promoter or marketeer on Mumsnet. I'm just someone who is interested in breastfeeding and health issues. I enjoy a debate and I like to hear other people's viewpoints.

More to the point, we're debating specific questions as framed by the OP. This one is on women choosing not to breastfeed, yet so many FFers have this tunnel vision where they see ANY post about breastfeeding as an attack on what they did. This thread is not about people who tried to breastfeed until their boobs fell off. It's about one woman (probably a troll) who doesn't want to breastfeed for no apparent reason, just that she doesn't fancy it. It's not unreasonable for posters to encourage her to give it a go and explain why it's better for her baby without being accused of being extremists.

Oh bruffin, see the trouble you've caused with your omission of 'not'. Hee hee.