AIBU to not want to breastfeed?

[VixeyV]

Hi this is my first post but I have been a lurker since the start of my pregnancy.

Anyway, my question is I'm 20 weeks pregnant and the midwife keeps pushing me into breastfeeding. I just don't want to and don't get why she won't stop asking me how I'll feed.

To be honest, the thought of it freaks me out. I didn't breastfeed my daughter and she's fine on formula, she has aptimal because that's the best.

So what do you think? Should my midwife stop nagging me?

"a much better way of looking at bf is to celebrate what people CAN do rather than being negative and scaremongering!!!"

Pointing out the known and documented risks of using formula is NOT 'scaremongering'. If there was this sort of information about Calpol I'd damn well want to know about it before giving it to my child, and I'm sure you would too!

Why on earth should this one single product - baby milk - be exempt from examination and questioning? Seriously?

perhapes the moral of the story is bfing mums and ffing mums both need support and understanding.

I can't help feeling sad that more women don't bf though.

"Angrywasp - sometimes there is NO option!!"

I've never met a person who objects to formula being used when there is no other option. Have you?

Has AngryWasp suggested that formula should be verboten?

She didn't strike me as the unreasonable type.

your absolutely corect i am taking piss out of psychobabble i-am-goddess-i-am-woman-lovedance hypothesis

well spotted

it is risible

smashing if a mum derives satisfaction from feeding her baby (bottle or breast) but dont attribute psychobabble to it.cannot definitively say that is all mums experiences,as posts here attest

It's hormonal physiology. Got nowt to do with psychobabble.

Is there actually any proof that the 'virgin gut' exists? Isn't it just a theory?

I don't think it was a hypothesis as such, it was cited as someone's personal experience, wasn't it?

going round in circles here......i am keeping my mouth shut.....but if a mum switched to ff because of immense difficulties and depression then read this........ mmmmmm its hardly going to make them feel any less depressed.

I had severe....very severe pnd with my daughter..... i didnt leave the house, couldnt eat, sat shaking, i panicked when she cried, avoided friends and visitors, took my baby back to the hospital at one point saying i couldnt be a mum anymore. for some people bf is not best..... the right medication and being able to ask for help with feeding is. oh and my partner was abusive and didnt help at all. If i had been made to feel bad for not bf i would have had a complete breakdown

Titty pleas take a moment to just consider
someone elses views.... i am not asking you to question your belief just consider and give someone elses feelings the time of day!

i breast fed my daughter for 3 days ..... thats better than not at all!!!!!!

i think the root of this issue is that it can be felt that by having the FACTS pointed out in such a harsh sounding way you could make people feel that they are not looking after and caring for their child properly.

lovely of course there has to be a balance. Due to the actions of formula companies, they have made themselves indispensible in times of crisis. In our society now, there are lots of cases where a mother will need to revert to formula either temporarily or permenantly. I'm not sure why you addressed your post to me. I see you are justifying your decision to ff, when there is really no need. I never justify mine.

sparkly FWIW I've been listening to and think your contributions have been very helpful. Have you noticed that the adverts might be advertising follow-on, but they do it with the baby in a cradle-hold at an age when they should be sitting up drinking from a cup. They also chose the youngest looking baby they can find that is over the required age. It is also worth exploring why these companies spend so much on advertising if it doesn't influence people.

clickety I have no idea what you are on about. Some women have NO option but to offer formula. Where have I said otherwise? Like some others you are defensive in your decision and your story and there is no need. I only posted mine because people were making assumptions about my experience. I damaged my child's virgin gut too, so what? It wasn't intended. I did the best I could at the time. I researched what had gone so horribly wrong the first time and planned against it, and then I was lucky.

It doesn't mean that the facts aren't facts however. I have no idea why you feel the need to address me specifically.

no olifin no direct citation of any poster in love dance.discussed as a hypotheseis as in some call it love dance...The nearest thing to it is sex apparently

tittybangbang - my point was that in my (albeit slightly unusual) situation, how is having the supposed risks of a baby having the slightest drop of formula at all drummed in going to help? I cannot be accused of not trying hard enough, or exploring all the options, or not being dedicated to bfing.

Is there really the evidence that mix feeding is so damaging? I am truly interested, so would love to see a study that compares exclusive bf with mostly bf but some formula. I know the obvious risks of declining milk supply etc when formula is introduced, but I also know many people for whom some supplementing actually helped prolongue bf for longer.

I just think the message of 'well if they've ever had formula they are tainted' is really damaging to the bf cause. Yes, the facts should be presented, but the facts are so subjective. I wish we could all just be more understanding and supportive and focus on helping out women in the early days when they really need it. If 90% of women start off bf I'm sure the issue isn't with not knowing enough about the risks of formula, it's to do with unrealistic expectations, lack of support and a culture where it is unususal to see a bfing mother as a matter of course.

It's only sad if those women didn't bf through lack of support or medical problems and they really wanted to. There is nothing sad about someone making an informed choice not to feed.

thanks angrywasp x

I just think we are blessed as mothers and we all love our babies and we are all different. i could never imagine being vegetarian, my daughter is not allowed chocolate breakfast cereals, i love sushi, i hate tinned fish.......we all have different eating habits..... noone would expect us to be the same. i feel for women who do bf babies with allergies so they have to be so so careful what they eat.

clackety...... i am one of said women..... mix feeding helped me through a hard patch and now i am picking it back up again.....if i hadnt mixed i would have given up.

good point hairy.
I do think that more women would choose to bf if it was considered to be the norm though.
i've had a lot of negative comments about bfing quite a diverse selection of people.

if i was feeling wobbly or insecure about bfing i can only think of one friend who would truly support me if i wanted to continue.

i bf in spite of society, i am not nurtured within it.

i think it saddens me because i know that it can be a really positive experience.

TSC, that is so true. None of one's business, so patronising to be sad on behalf of someone who is happy with their choice.

Baskingseals, I also agree that our wider society does not 'nurture' breastfeeding. I have felt like a wierdy freak for feeding DS in public even when he was tiny. That comes back to the question of supporting those who do choose to feed though. And it is still vital to leave be those who choose not to.

To go back to the OP (which may or may not be serious) is the issue not that she doesn't even want to try BF? If she had posted AIBU to FF because of any of the BF problems mentioned by previous posters, surely everyone would have said YANBU. Of course a child mustn't starve. From what I have read almost all of you have tried BF and stopped or mixed because of varying degrees of difficulty... And haven't read anybody criticising for that. I confess I'm a little bit confused as to why some are so upset...

It is helpful for people to be informed when making a choice, any choice, with regards to their child, I would have thought. It is not helpful to be judged, but I don't really see that anybody has done that here, except perhaps to themselves. I have found a lot of what has been said v interesting, and having initially entirely BF, then mix fed and early weaned from 4.5m, maybe having this info (although don't feel I was badly informed to begin with) I would do it differently next time. Or maybe not, because another child would be different. Or I would feel differently after another birth. I wouldn't, however, let another person's opinion validate (or invalidate) my choices with regards to my child, because I'm safe in the knowledge that I've made well-informed choices with my child's best interests at heart. I think the same goes for all of you (especially cheerysparkly who I just want to give a big hug - even though was a bit nasty to Titty ). But thanks to everyone for the info, especially about formula advertising etc (which not being a professional MNer, I was largely unaware of and is disappointing).

IMVHO whether you love it/hate it/do the BF dance/suffer pain, bleeding, cracks/just do it without any particular feelings one way or another, the main thing is that you try as it is the normal, otherwise we wouldn't produce milk. I agree that it is a shame that for whatever reasons (and I'm not even remotely expert enough to comment on those) BFing in our society has limited success and that BFing mothers can be made to feel unwelcome/uncomfortable and I'm sure you all would too.

But the issue for me here, with the OP, is the not even wanting to try. I have a friend who didn't because her DH told her it made him feel sick . Someone else I know told me it made her feel sick too. This is the attitude I feel should be challenged, not giving up because of difficulty/ lifestyle etc. This may be a bit controversial but I have to wonder if you are ready to be a mother or father if that is how you feel (previously mentioned psychological issues aside, although I would recommend these would be tackled before parenthood for everyone's well being).

But only if someone really wants to do it, baskingseals.

I would always tell anyone who was interested about my positive experience of bf. If they were a friend I would also tell them about the really tough bits because I think forewarned is forearmed. In the end, though, I wouldn't be sad because they aren't me and don't need to have the same set of experiences as me for it to be positive for them.

I'm not saying your motives aren't good- it is a lovely thing to encourage and support someone trying to establish bf. It's just when it goes beyond this into trying to 'convert' people to bf, or criticise those who haven't that it's a bit out of order.

The only thing that saddens me is women who want to bf being terribly let down and encouraged to blame themselves and be defensive when it all goes horribly wrong.

Blaming the mothers seems to be embedded in our culture.

Women are not failed, they 'fail' to bf, or 'can't', or their bodies didn't work properly and make enough milk etc etc.

It is the same thing with childbirth. Failure to progress, poor maternal effort, 'ending up' with a c/section, overdue etc etc.

And then these same women get cross when someone suggest 'well, yes, you probably could have breastfed, you probably would have dilated without all that interference etc etc. Your body IS fantastic and you could have done it yourself. It is bloody annoying because it is what you wanted to happen, but you put your trust in people who are PAID to know best and you really really try, but you are let down.

This same culture is one where you are also blamed for not being assertive, for not standing up for your rights, for not being informed, for not standing your ground.

It is easier, much easier to go with the idea that you did your best but your body simply wasn't up to it because the alternative can be unbearable.

That's what makes me sad. And before anyone jumps on me, I blame not one jot any woman for being failed. Why SHOULD they have to train as a breastfeeding councillor, a midwife, a doctor, a nutritionalist, before they give birth, to protect themselves from the hazzards of being in the care of an underfunded, undertrained system.

The thing is though, unless some of us make a noise, our daughters will be in this same position.

sparkley - this is a lively discussion about formula feeding and breastfeeding - the ins and the outs. This is not really a counselling thread - however it started. You can't really engage in a debate like this on this issue and then argue for self-censorship from me because the points I'm making are hurtful to your sensibilities. We are engaging in a dialogue. You have challenged me and I have answered your challenges with reference to the facts, as I'm aware of them.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible time feeding your baby.

"i love that there are people who seem to be more bothered about how children that are not their own are fed"

Among those of us who work with mothers and babies this is seen as an important public health issue.

Pick up any midwifery journal and you'll see that it's so.

"It's just when it goes beyond this into trying to 'convert' people to bf, or criticise those who haven't that it's a bit out of order."

This is a debate thread on an internet board. You can hardly criticise people for expressing themselves freely in this context. Nobody is making a case for mothers to be approached and harangued, or deliberately engaged in discussions they don't welcome.

Those people who have chosen to take part in this discussion on mumsnet really haven't got a leg to stand on if they're trying to make a case for self censorship here. If you don't want to engage in the discussion because it upsets you, then why are you here? If you do want to engage, expect a full and vigorous response!

This thread is really making me want to Bf again.

Anyone want a wet nurse?

I'm not really talking about converting or criticising in the context of this thread, I meant in RL. I know AIBU is, erm, vigorous

It's just that a someone mentioned being sad for those who don't breastfeed and it struck a chord. I think a lot of this debate is emotive and about justifying/ validating one's own experience rather than being about the broader picture which concerns public health. It does concern me that those who want to bf often can't because of lack of support and information. I would do anything I could to help a friend that wanted to bf but don't think my friends who haven't BF have missed out. Cos that would be patronising. And I also find it odd that people think that what was best for them is best for everyone else.

I probably shouldn't have posted, I usually shy away from vigorousness. Just my personal musings. Debate on,the rest of you