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Original poster

to be annoyed at this - even though I've been open minded about porn?

255 replies

BattyKoda · 11/04/2010 22:33

Found out that DP rang a sex line, one of those thats on the tv. It's really got to me, even though I know he looks at porn occasionally, and I haven't had a problem with that, he has an extremly high sex drive and I cna't keep up!

How would you feel? I don't really know what to do... he's sleeping on the sofa.

OP posts:
claig · 14/04/2010 14:44

Nellykats

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 14:45

On re-reading, I have expressed myself spectaculary badly there, hope you get the gist

< blames a hard day at work >

Nellykats · 14/04/2010 15:40

hiya claig

Nellykats · 14/04/2010 15:44

Gosh, I don't mean to come across as the marriage breaker here. Batty, you two must talk calmly and ideally in length. Weddings can make people nervous, maybe it was his way of dealing with the stress. Only you and him can work this out, I hope you'll come back soon and let us know it's all getting resolved.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 14/04/2010 15:51

Webdude - the second call was off his mobile phone also... I doubt I would have ever known if hadn't confessed.

I think my biggest problem with it was that he hid it from me. I really hate secrets, and he knows this. Makes it feel more like cheating. It was done behind my back.

Thank you for your input with this WebDude, it's good to get a man's perspective.

Just to be clear, the wedding will not be postponed, cancelled or whatever. I will be sticking by him, just need to find the best way through this.

AF - It's the fact that he did it whilst away for a funeral...I was a complete mess and finding it all hard to come to terms with...the thought that he did something he knew I wouldn't like and hid it from me tipped me back over the edge.

Thing is now we are back to stand off, and he feels like I'm just dragging it out. I know we need to talk it's just when I think about it all I can imagine coming out of my mout is the word c*nt.

OP posts:
claig · 14/04/2010 15:55

I think the hiding part is to be expected, I don't think you should focus on that. I think you should let it go now, but make sure he doesn't continue to waste money on it.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 15:57

well, he is a cunt

no getting away from that

Pikelit · 14/04/2010 16:06

Indeedy. AF. You can't say fairer than that.

Now I know I wouldn't be marrying a man who phoned up wank banks and worse, tried to conceal it or go all defensive on me. I'm not making any sort of moral comment about these services but I do know that whatever bothers you about a partner before you get married never improves after the wedding. Not least because there too many assumptions can be made about what a marriage license actually licences.

claw3 · 14/04/2010 16:08

Dont get all the sulking and not talking (DP is a sulker, drives me insane!)

Say what you need to say and get on with it.

You either trust him or you dont.If you cant forgive him or trust him and have to drag it on and on, keep tabs on him etc, leave him and be done with it.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 14/04/2010 16:13

Thanks Claig for talking me down!

AF

It is very hard for us to have a chat though, he gets home from work, we have dinner, with the kids and usually someone else (Monday his Mum, last night his cousin) we put the kids to bed and he's back out the door (Monday football, last night NA meeting). Tonight is football again. He gets back late, and I've been stewing on the sofa all night, doesn't take much to send me back over the edge!

OP posts:
WebDude · 14/04/2010 16:25

So he regards football above his partner and discussing something which is really upsetting her? What a complete tosser. I didn't know why he was nowhere to be seen in the evening but now I do, think he has his priorities upside down.

WTF is the "NA Metting" that he went out to yesterday (just nosy, Narcotics Anonymous ? LOL)

Original poster
BattyKoda · 14/04/2010 16:28

Webdude - He plays for team and can't get out of it. If they are short on numbers no one plays and they all get sent home.

NA is Narcotics Anonymous. He is in recovary. I think I mentioned that earlier in the thread?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 16:34

oops, WD...take your foot outta your gob now

BK, WD has a point however

I guess he isn't sat at home stewing himself up into a frenzy is he ?

Life pretty much as normal for him (nights on sofa, notwithstanding)

You need to make a time/date to talk to him properly

All this stewing you are doing on here while he carries on regardless is getting you precisely nowhere

WebDude · 14/04/2010 16:38

Glad to give one male view - though I'm getting the impression that views on whether porn is acceptable go from one extreme to the other among women...

BK was clear at the outset she has something towards a relaxed attitude, while I get the impression some DHs would lose their balls for just looking sideways at another woman, let alone being found with a copy of Razzle or viewing a porn site on the web.

ooo----ooo

Not sure how much porn would be happily viewed by a couple - many guys wouldn't get turned on by two guys (seeing what some posters on other threads explain as their 'interest' in online porn), while many women seem unimpressed if their partner finds some woman attractive (whether it is boob size, or whatever, it's always taken as a personal slight against them - not just "someone who looks fit, but it's me he's sleeping with, not her" and thus be able to brush it off as something akin to an infatuation... like how many women found Mel Gibson, or attractive, with no prospect of getting him into bed ? ... porn just goes a bit further than what most films show of the actors and actresses).

ooo----ooo

So ladies, any particular types of film that you'd be happy watching with your partner... just trying to see whether BK can find some "happy medium" where she gets to spend time with her partner, and isn't turned off by what they're watching, knowing that by watching that he's not going to be tempted to use that mobile once again...

WebDude · 14/04/2010 16:39

Sorry BK - I hadn't known there was such an org.

WebDude · 14/04/2010 16:40

and must have missed it earlier.

claw3 · 14/04/2010 16:42

Batty, so what if the rest of the team cant play for one night ffs! He needs to get his priorities straight

Original poster
BattyKoda · 14/04/2010 16:43

WebDude - I think rather than that I need to update his 'homemade' stash.

I know he won't be tempted again, our sofa isn't very comfortable for one, but I also know, deep down, that now he's seen how much it's got to me, he wouldn't want to.

AF - have asked if he can get a replacement for footy tonight, but it doesn't start till 9 so we have a couple of hours. Will try to mute the C word

OP posts:
WebDude · 14/04/2010 16:46

So Thursday - is he out, and Friday evening too? Surely not. Hope you can find some time sooner rather than later. Surely with 2 DC you have distractions, and mulling over this issue in public (here on MN) still doesn't get to the heart of the problem - certainty over his reasons, esp when you were feeling low wrt funeral situation, and you are constantly simmering, ready to boil.

Have to say with some posts, it's not really easy to see how you can calm down while being told how others would react in a far more radical way....

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 16:47

you can let the odd one out, BK

claw3 · 14/04/2010 17:00

Why didnt he use his 'homemade' stash in the 1st place?

This guy seems to pretty much have his cake and eat it too.

He upsets you, avoids talking about it by going out, then you update his homemade stash to prevent him from upsetting you again!

Nothing wrong with homemade, for the right reasons, because its fun and you enjoy it, not because you think he will go elsewhere.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 14/04/2010 17:02

We are away - with the DC's - for the weekend, from tomorrow (bad timing!). Will definatley get it straightened out tonight though (as long as there are no more revelations!!)

The more radical posts go over my head TBH WebDude - there's no way I would be smashing his phone and chucking him out!!

It has actually been a bit of a release to get things out on here, and helped me to get my head straight about it!

Thanks AF - will definatley be taking that bit of advice

OP posts:
Original poster
BattyKoda · 14/04/2010 17:05

claw3 - I think it's a bit worn out, hasn't been updated in a while . He's not avoided talking to me, he has commitments - it's not like he's hidden in the pub.

OP posts:
WebDude · 14/04/2010 17:05

Just looking back and came across this comment:

"Battykoda - It's just that if you are agreeable to him watching porn, I don't see that it is such a big leap to him ringing a hotline, even though that involves interaction with someone else, it is essentially interaction with a fantasy anyway, because nothing is going to come of it."

That sums up my view - nothing will come of it - apart from a sting when the bill comes through.

"If I were this guy, apart from the issue of the cost involved, if my girlfriend were accepting of me watching porn, it wouldnt be a huge leap to think that she might accept me using a hotline too. They are just another side of the porn coin, like getting a lap dance in a club or whatever."

I don't fully support that view - as I've said, on the phone (while it seems more personal to many) it's just fantasy - Babestation cannot get below some underwear (OK, can do with a sideways view, but frankly not as explicit as Razzle or most online porn).

Going to a lap dance club is bound to be a trust issue, as the person is only at arm's length (or less), and could be "picked up" (for a date) if the two people 'clicked', though I suspect many times when asking it would be wishful thinking on the guy's part and "oh no, not another tosser" in the girl's head.

Nellykats · 14/04/2010 17:06

I'm impressed with your calmness and sense of humour, I should learn some of that myself perhaps