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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be annoyed at this - even though I've been open minded about porn?

255 replies

BattyKoda · 11/04/2010 22:33

Found out that DP rang a sex line, one of those thats on the tv. It's really got to me, even though I know he looks at porn occasionally, and I haven't had a problem with that, he has an extremly high sex drive and I cna't keep up!

How would you feel? I don't really know what to do... he's sleeping on the sofa.

OP posts:
Zondra · 11/04/2010 23:07

So,he knew you wouldn't like it? So, he did think about it then.
He wasn't content with the plethora of free porn of every persuasion on the web, that his fiancé very kindly & patiently allows him to peruse?He had to go that bit further & converse smuttily with a real live woman?
This sounds like trouble to me...

Original poster
BattyKoda · 11/04/2010 23:08

Tinykins - It;s the interation that I'm not happy with - and the fact he hid it from me. I'm sure I want to be with him, I'm marrying him!

OP posts:
Original poster
BattyKoda · 11/04/2010 23:09

Oh bollocks, really Zondra? He said he felt really ashamed after, and still does.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/04/2010 23:10

boundaries ???

I have chats about boundaries with my 10yo

If I had to chat about boundaries with my potential life partner it would be a very different kind of "chat"

What is wrong with you women who have to lead these fuckwit men by the nose ?

he deleted the number. he knew what he was doing.

He was "horny". Why didn't he call you then ?

God help you when he is "horny" and you are knee-deep in nappies or not feeling 100% like sucking his nob.

What will he do then ? Call the spacehopping bimbo ?

ffs

A night on the sofa won't fix this one.

Coolfonz · 11/04/2010 23:11

Is he young? If so maybe a break is in order, but if he's over 24...well...can you cancel the wedding? I don't know any blokes who would even entertain one of those things. if i met a guy and he said oh yeah i phone chat lines i'd think he was a weirdo.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 11/04/2010 23:13

Then what AnyFucker?

I meant bounderies as in my bounderies, not setting them out for him. As in - I can deal with YouPorn, but not spacehoppers.

He was horny, I was asleep, so he called the bimbo, that is what happened. He says it won't happen again, so I guess he already knows my bounderies.

OP posts:
Zondra · 11/04/2010 23:14

Battykoda, I really hope he is ashamed & has learned his lesson.
Maybe, you should show him the replies on here to really drive home that he has went too far.
I hope you can sort this out & both move on with the piece of mind & trust that you deserve.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 11/04/2010 23:14

It was a one off Coolfonz.

He's 35.

OP posts:
Knownowt · 11/04/2010 23:15

I think the doom-and-gloom merchants are being totally over the top. He's done something you're not happy with, you've made that clear. I wouldn't leap to conclusions that this is the start of a slippery slope, esp as you are presumably otherwise happy with him. People can make mistakes without it being a sign of some deep-seated problem.

Porn in all its guises can stir very strong emotions. I think a thread like this can end up being more about other people's opinions about porn than it is about the OP's relationship. Not sure that's very helpful.

Tinykins · 11/04/2010 23:16

Battykoda - It's just that if you are agreeable to him watching porn, I don't see that it is such a big leap to him ringing a hotline, even though that involves interaction with someone else, it is essentially interaction with a fantasy anyway, because nothing is going to come of it.

If I were this guy, apart from the issue of the cost involved, if my girlfriend were accepting of me watching porn, it wouldnt be a huge leap to think that she might accept me using a hotline too. They are just another side of the porn coin, like getting a lap dance in a club or whatever.

Sorry. I dont mean to question your choice over this man or anything, I dont know you or him and I wouldnt be so presumptious anyway so please disregard that last comment.

DandyLioness · 11/04/2010 23:16

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Original poster
BattyKoda · 11/04/2010 23:18

Battery going...back in the mo.

OP posts:
Tuesday13 · 11/04/2010 23:19

Men see porn different than women. Its true. There is a line and both people need to know it.

I totaly feel for you as my Husbnand recently looked at porn and then lied to me about it.

We talked and set rules down what is ok and what is not.

I have higher sex drive than him but not when i have a 14 month old and neglected (sp?) our relationship. He lied as he did not want me to get hurt but could not tell me that our relationship needed work. Men think diffently to women!

Can you every meet his sex drive? If not he will always be frustrated (SP?) you will have to agree on porn or other outlet or split and find a new partner.
Think what is important to you and then go talk to him.

To me the lieing is the most hurtful. Can you trust what he now is saying to you?

DandyLioness · 11/04/2010 23:20

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SirBoobAlot · 11/04/2010 23:21

You seem to have gone from being pissed off to now defending him, OP.

I'm with AnyFucker. This is a matter of respect for you (and for women in general, but that's another thread...) - he is being deliberately deceptive. He knew you wouldn't like it, so he hid it from you. He has spent £10 talking to some fake woman instead of simply taking things in hand, if you will. To me, that is unacceptable.

But as to your original question - No, YANBU.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/04/2010 23:22

How big an issue is the mismatch in your libidos, though? If you're already in a pattern of him wanting sex much more than you do, and you haven't been together that long, maybe you do need to have a think about whether you're really right for each other.
And I would be very wary about giving him a 'porn ban'. You are not his mother, boss or owner, and he is actually entitled to read and view what he wants to - it's reasonable to ask him not to leave a shared computer open on a porn clip, for instance, and not entirely unreasonable to object to the expense of ringing chatlines - but you don't own his dick. You're not entitled to forbid him to masturbate.
(Oh and before the usual porn-haters troop in and start screeching, perhaps everyone could bear in mind that chatline work is one of the safest and least coercive type of sex industry work around, so by ringing a chatline he isn't contributing to anyone's abuse).

AnyFucker · 11/04/2010 23:24

batty...show him this thread

I think his reaction would be very telling for you

It would be worse for me if I was actually in the house when he rang the spacehopping airhead

I thought you meant you were apart or summat (not that makes it fine or nuffin, you understand..)

seriously, I could not respect a bloke who was so utterly dimwitted he thought this was an ok thing to do

Tinykins · 11/04/2010 23:27

Dandy what I am saying is that I would be equally as pissed off/disgusted at my husband for watching porn as i would be for ringing a hotline. I think both these things are equally shitty.

Of course many, inc the OP would not agree with me, and would accept their dp doing the former but not the latter.

To me it's all of piece, i wouldnt be cool with any of it.

Knownowt · 11/04/2010 23:31

"You seem to have gone from being pissed off to now defending him, OP."

I don't blame her, given the hyperbolic responses on this thread. "The writing's on the wall...do you really want to be with this man?...It's a slippery slope- he's phoning sex lines today, he'll be trying to bugger the postman and wanking at parents' evening tomorrow"

CarmenSanDiego · 11/04/2010 23:32

I hate to say this and I'm not massively anti-porn, but I'd get out while you can or at least postpone. If alarm bells are ringing before the wedding when you should be all over each other, it will be worse in five years time when he's a bit bored and it will be harder to walk away.

Angelcat666 · 11/04/2010 23:33

I wouldn't be annoyed about this, I'd be furious. However, that isn't going to help you.

You need to sit down with him and make clear what you find acceptable and what you don't, once you've got it straight in your own mind first. He's also going to have to realise that what he did was wrong and unacceptable if he doesn't already. He's also going to have to regain any trust you may have lost in him.

You may not want to finish the relationship on this one thing but you need to decide, and then make clear to him, what the consequences will be if he does do it again.

ChippingIn · 11/04/2010 23:33

BattyKoda - I would be seeing this as a big red light. If you already have very different sex drives, this is going to get worse, not better over time. Will he keep escalating the contact he wants/needs??

I agree that you can't tell him what he's allowed to do or not do, but you can tell him what you are comfortable with and what you aren't and what you would do if he makes you uncomfortable!!

But still.... I think you have bigger issues to sort out than what type of porn he's looking at.

DandyLioness · 11/04/2010 23:35

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SolidGoldBrass · 12/04/2010 09:40

YOu might all also bear in mind that this man is entitled to say 'I don't want to be in a rleationship with someone who objects to me having a wank' and dump the OP.

triffictits · 12/04/2010 10:06

I agree with AF on this one - its not the fact he has done it, its the way he did it etc. And they are due to get married in 3 months? What does this say about the man - he is already hiding things from you OP and sneaking about.

Also, you say it is a 'one off' - is that true, or is it a 'one off' because its the only time you've caught him? My money is on this not ending up as a one off.