to be annoyed at this - even though I've been open minded about porn?

[BattyKoda]

Found out that DP rang a sex line, one of those thats on the tv. It's really got to me, even though I know he looks at porn occasionally, and I haven't had a problem with that, he has an extremly high sex drive and I cna't keep up!

How would you feel? I don't really know what to do... he's sleeping on the sofa.

have you thought about getting some 'help' to bring your sex drives closer?

My dp says he shouldn't be getting married. Dp and I are planning to by the way he's not adverse to marriage just says your dp doesn't sound ready?

Our sex drives are usually close. Just not at the moment. I'm having on and off treatment on my cervix.

Like I've said before, we're practically married anyway, we have 2 DC's and have built a life together already. Signing a bit of paper isn't a massive step for us (and he does feel the same).

ok good luck to you and also for your health. Must say though I think he's at best pretty crass doing this when you're having such intimate surgery

BK: Sorry you are having a rough time healthwise but if it's been going on a long time then maybe this is why your H felt in need of a wank-with-benefits and didn't want t o tell you because he didn't want you to feel guilty or under pressure about the lack of sex.
Are you/have you been communicating about the no sex, though, or just expecting him to put up with it indefinitely? Are you being physically affectionate with one another even though a good shag is out of the question?

anyways, BK, how is the temperature in your house today ?

still frosty ?

SGB - I think I have just expected him to put up with it, and I probaly could do more, like I said before. This has brought out a whole heap of other issues now though. Trust and respect being the main problems, which for me is paramount to a good sex life.

AF - We're avoiding each other, another night on the sofa as no opportunity to have a chat last night. I was in bed when he got in and he made the decision.

It's all bollocks, I need him most at the moment

BK, you are justified in feeling hurt, furious and thinking he is an idiot

But the continued silent treatment (from both of you) is going to further damage your relationship

You need to communicate better than this

I know AF - I'm praying he comes home with a big bunch of flowers and a babysitter to take me out for dinner so that we can talk. So much going on at the moment though, he was in and out last night so no chance for a talk, will probably be the same tonight.

I had 3 lots of bad news yesterday so am feeling pretty crap, he knows this and I got a text saying 'I hope your today is better than your yesterday. I love you.' FGS.

Batty, he is 'annoyed' at you being annoyed at him because he is feeling sorry for himself & (hopefully) guilty! He probably needs you to stop being annoyed so his guilt will stop.

Only you can decide what to do from here. It doesn't automatically follow that he will do it again, nor seek actual contact, as claig suggested!

I do think you need to talk a lot & remind him what you find acceptable & what you don't & what the consequences are if he slips up again.

Sex being off the cards doesn't help...but that isn't really an excuse.

Me & dh had several months last year where we weren't using contraception, so therefore not having sex (we had a failure that affected us quite badly, so it took a while for us to decide on the best form for us from there). For the last 4 months of that period we did everything (almost) apart form actual intercourse & it is cliche, but we have a better sex life now, than every before! We have been together 21yrs!

You can come back from this if you want to. Good luck!

agree with AF you need to talk.

I just don't feel like it should be me that should have to make the first move

"babysitter to take me out for dinner so that we can talk"

So take the initiative & book one yourself. Tell him to keep that evening free as you want to sort this out.

Don't leave it to him to suggest it, he will be wanting to forget it all as soon as possible & by not talking it might seem to him that he has been ''let off' and you are just brooding!

He's in avoidance mode though..putting his head in the sand and hoping it'll all go away.

I agree BK...it isn't up to you

but if this is how you communicate after several years and 2 dc's together, you both need a big shake-up

Just want to him to make an effort to make me feel a bit better differentname, it's not the same if I do it.

There's just so much other stuff going on at the moment AF, everything is happening at once

I just wish he could see that I really need to reassurance (over this) and some support (everything else). A lame text isn't going to do that.

And in some ways, it shouldn't have to be you, but as I said before...his main desire now is to move on, as painlessly as possible.

One thing I learnt last year was to voice what I wanted. Because before I had been of the mind that 'he should know what I want/need' but they don't.

He will happily forget about this & will hope you will too. But it is a conversation that needs to be had if you are going to move on.

Sitting him down and spelling out in no uncertain terms what you expect from him and what you need from him is not "caving" nor necessarily making the first move

call it a "pre-emptive strike" if that sits better with you

No, you're right...it isn't the same. But when you talk tell him how you feel. Tell him you need some real reassurance from him to make you feel better.

What will make you feel better? I expect you don't know, so how can he? And I don't mean that in a nasty way....I know how you feel right now, we have had issues surrounding porn, many many years ago (mainly dhs over use of & neglect of me) and it is a horrible feeling.

He did much the same by trying to avoid the talks, but that was what made me feel better...getting out how I felt & that he had made me feel like that! Over & over.

In time it just all got better, we discussed what was acceptable & what wasn't.

Although he still uses it on the odd occasion, it doesn't interfere with 'us'

I thought it was quite nice of him to text you. A tentative text is better than nothing.

He's probably stressed over your health, the children etc etc. If you make the first move, he will be so relieved and be more keen than ever to make it up to you.

Obviously, he should be making the first move, but he's a man and perhaps isn't sure of the best way to go about things.

I think his text to you is making the first move, and you should text back, at least a "thanks".

Personally, I'd probably ring him if I knew he could take my call (lunchbreak), say thankyou, tell him you are feeling a bit down, maybe a bit lonely?

Open the door for a chat later. Maybe even ask him to make some time for you (out at dinner?).

agree with Cretaceius and Clumsymum, his text was making the first move and trying to make up. Remember that most men are no good with opening up and dealing with emotions, so you can't expect him to think and behave like you would. I think he has learned his lesson. If I were you, I would break the ice myself now. I don't think he'll be doing that again.

I've text him (no lunchbreak opportunity)...basically saying that I need him to make this better.

Thank you for sharing your experience differentname.

No problem, BK. Hope he comes up trumps for you & you can start to move forward!

He's replied (crap doing this by text but at least it's a start)

'I'll do anything I can.'