to be annoyed at this - even though I've been open minded about porn?

[BattyKoda]

Found out that DP rang a sex line, one of those thats on the tv. It's really got to me, even though I know he looks at porn occasionally, and I haven't had a problem with that, he has an extremly high sex drive and I cna't keep up!

How would you feel? I don't really know what to do... he's sleeping on the sofa.

WebDude - The call lasted just over 5 mins. He said he hung up when he got through.... I'm calling him now to ask him again.

Sorry BK - but whether he had been at a funeral or not
a) men think from the groin, and not his family member
b) he was unable to even 'talk dirty' with you

Cost on the home line will be based purely on duration (which won't be possible to hide) compared with unknown cost per minute by hotel.

If he listened for 6 minutes, assuming it was at 1.50 [the most charged on a premium rate line from a UK landline], that might be less than the hotel, which could have charged 5 quid a minute for all we know... Certainly {London} hotels in the past have charged pounds per minute for call made by visitors who have then been up-in-arms at a charge of 100 pounds for calling the USA etc.

We can pay as little as 1p/min using selected firms - see www.1899.com - USA, Canada, France, Germany, etc 1p/min... UK 0p/min

Such options are (of course!) blocked from a hotel, though there are UK 'gateway' numbers so someone could pay the hotel to call a London number, then some cost per minute for using 1899's links to USA/etc (billed by 1899 a while later).

He called on his mobile phone, it showed just over 5 mins for £9 someting.

OK, so they may well charge 2 quid a minute in a hotel.

I don't have any pricing info from BT about the cost of calls - seems they don't bother to send out anything, not even a copy of the contract that I'm locked in with them for 18 months [it was a condition for getting line installed for free] - so not sure if 1.50 is the max from a landline (belief rather than absolute fact!)

They migh have given out 'type code 44 for sexy sue and her snake, type code 45 for naughty nora, type code 46 for exotic eve and her candle sticks... blah blah' for 4 minutes perhaps.

Just reminded me to get premium rate numbers blocked on this line, so BT can never bill me for any if some BT guy plugs in at the green cabinet or somewhere in the exchange and they claim I made the calls.

He used his mobile phone to call, no a land line or a hotel phone.

He said thats how they make the money...dragging out the first part for as long as possible, which makes sense.

Sorry... I have name changed... it is me

Mobile phones are always higher cost, and PAYG charges would probably wipe out my credit if I was ever tempted to call a premium rate number.

DL from what I've seen they have a load of different options shown on the TV - you can speak with a girl, or just listen, and you may well be able to choose 'your favourite' from a menu, where each one has a 'stage name' so there are probably no duplicate names...

Have never rung so don't know what the options are, just going by what the 'presenters' have said when I've been up late. (and no, seeing someone with oversized boobs wiggling her bum at me isn't going to induce me to call at $illy money per minute rates.

Agreed C+D - there are mandatory announcements about the cost (while they charge that flippin rate!) and some might even give daft info like "This line is run by XYZ Ltd at Box 5432, London, E1 8xx" just to add waffle, on every call.

To me, life is a constant barrage of temptations. I have quit smoking, yet there are plenty of fags at the shop or my friends bags; I want to eat less crap yet the supermarket is full of chocolate delights; I love my husband yet there are a few attractive men around that would probably like me to like them.

Amongst all the possible temptations, I have to make some rules in order to avoid complications:
Fags are good fun but may give me lung disease, so I won't have them. Chocolate is good but not every bloody minute. Other men may be hot but I will look and not touch.

It seems to me that your man has a problem with saying no, and like others said before me, there is a massive difference between looking at a picture and interacting with somebody. It's much closer to sex than just wanking, that's why we call it phone sex rather than phone wank.

What I find most worrying is that he is bound to meet available women in the future, and I would bet that there will come a time when he won't just look, but he will touch, and cheat on you. Which, in my opinion, he already has.

I would call the wedding off, and give it time. Well, I'd probably be throwing him out to be honest, but if you feel he needs a chance then do so.

You say that in your mind you're already married, and you don't need the ceremony. Well, if you do get married and then break up, you'll have a lot more heartbreaking paperwork to go through.

Take care, I wish you courage.

Batty, what are the consequences IF he does do it again?

His excuse 'i had the raging horn, you were in bed asleep' sucks by the way!

What happens next time he has the raging horn and you are not available for whatever reason?

You sound a bit naieve if im perfectly honest- maybe you have been 'too' blazé about the whole watching of porn thing and he has either thought moving on to chatlines is a)acceptable or b)did it to try and get a reaction from you.

Either way I dunno it just seems a bit unhealthy at this early stage in a relationship and you seem quite quick to jump to his defence/believe every word he throws at you.

I think he sounds like he lacks a bit of respect for you and if you are getting married soon thats the main issue you need to sort.

as Nellykats said there are temptations everywhere, so people are easily tempted. These things can become like an addiction, which is why they are dangerous, and he could end up blowing a lot of money on it. That's why you need to stop him continuing with this now. I think he will have learned a lesson now. But you have to keep an eye on it. Otherwise when he gets bored with talking to a live person, it could escalate to him seeing a live person. I think you need to make clear that you can tolerate watching porn, but not ringing phone lines up. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he has learned a lesson.

Nellycats - You throw him out?! Seems a little extreme. I know I don't want us to finish because of this, and I trust him when he says he won't do it again.

Claig - 3 nights on the sofa makes it quite clear that I won't tolerate sex lines, don't you think?

I know it sounds harsh, but I really would, I have a problem with cheating. I do hope it gets sorted out, you must be so upset, I feel for you.

Batty, ending a relationship with someone who you have 2 kids with, is a bit extreme in my opinion.

Personally i would put it down to a bad judgment, a mistake this time.

I couldnt be doing with having to monitor what he does etc. I would tell him exactly what is acceptable to you and what isnt. What the consequences will be IF he does it again and get on with your life.

Nellykats "I really would, I have a problem with cheating." and you define "cheating" to include a phone call. I think that's a bit OTT.

"It's much closer to sex than just wanking, that's why we call it phone sex rather than phone wank."

I guess it depends on where you look. From years ago, when the numbers were still 0898 I remember some of them being called "wank lines" and had slogans like "get off in 30 seconds" (hell, I don't know how one accomplishes that on a phone call!)

Somehow I doubt the TV channels (at massive cost compared with small ads in the back of newspapers, or mags like Razzle/ Escort) would get as many callers if they blatantly called their potential callers (the "mugs") "wankers". The girls talk about guys getting hard and so forth, but the employers don't want a guy to end the call, something guaranteed if they achieve orgasm too fast!

---

OK DandyLioness - sorry to read of that past situation - but calls from a mobile will cost more (worth getting barred by the network, if you can, just to avoid someone else abusing your bill if they get their hands on your phone sometime!).

Can quite understand loss of respect when wasting cash, and I'd personally feel dumb if I was fleeced in that way (money was tight during bankruptcy caused by Inland Revenue, so know never to waste it!)

WebDude

I genuinely don't mind porn, but if one seeks out another person, as in those tv lines, then I rate that as more sex than masturbation. I have no problem with masturbation, I consider it a personal right, and wouldn't tell my partner if he should or not do it. Also I wouldn't want him to tell me not to either of course.

But when you interact with somebody telling you or asking you stuff, whether on the phone or the internet, in writing or on camera, to me that's cheating. Because you have sexual contact with another person. I don't think sex is only in touching, people may practice joint masturbation for example, and not actually touch each other.

I do wonder if Batty's partner is having cold feet and is unwittingly rocking the boat without even realizing.

It's pretty clear that the pair need to spend some time talking, calmly, about this. Fact he's out working and home late makes it pretty impossible this minute and calling him with questions is not as productive as being able to sit down over a cuppa and talk about it properly.

I think we have only partial info - he's now admitted two calls, as he knew the second from the home phone would just exacerbate tension if he didn't come clean and it was spotted...

Hope you can talk calmly, no throwing stuff, BK (only kidding), but also I hope he understands just what deep mistrust he caused, and what he's got to lose if he continues.

O

Not sure postponing or cancelling wedding is a sensible idea - it almost says "get out now" or "have given up on you" and he might take that as a green light to carry on, as he would see he was losing future happiness with you.

You have cancelling the wedding as a very last option if you ever wanted it (and I know you don't want to cancel by any stretch, whatever the comments posted suggest).

"on the phone or the internet, in writing or on camera, to me that's cheating"

That's where I see it so differently.

I have in the past 'chatted' (not in a 1 to 1 situation) to several women doing live webcam shows. Some were fully clothed, just having a chat and discussing work / hobbies / politics, while most might have started with clothing and ended without. Clearly when they had a bunch of guys chatting with them it was impersonal.

However, at no time, when they have a 1-to-1 chat, do they consider this to be anything other than a cash transaction - the guy is paying money per minute and they get a cut.

Any man who thinks this is any more "personal" than a cash transaction is deluding himself.

Even in the few clubs I've been to (like the "Lusty Lady" in San Francisco, years ago) where there's a look but no touch situation (glass division!) it's still a cash transaction and simply business. Some big bouncers are there to stop any males from thinking any different.

As far as I know there are no similar clubs in the UK, at least not open to anyone to just walk in without any membership and able to ask for one, or two, women to put on a sex show that goes far further than any strip or lapdance, with toys etc.

-- o --

While I fully accept trust issues and general abhorence of even using a phone service, let alone chatting by SMS or online, I see these as far less than 'contact'. Maybe it's a gender thing, and maybe other men think the same way and would tend to shrug it off as being tame (or even "innocent") compared with what can be seen on the internet. I'm still staggered at a girl/girl video that was on a site mentioned in this thread... not just what they did but that it was online (DP for those who are curious, not scat)

-- o --

It is a completely different thing, in my view, to going into a pub and chatting up a barmaid (ooooh, the PC name may be very different - years since I've been in a pub!) or a stripper, or going to a lapdance club.

In those situations, arrangements to see them another time, at their home/ flat might be made, and those situations would be a clear trigger for splitting up.

Well, it's a good thing we're not married then WebDude

Hopefully some other guys will give some input. I'm clearly only able to give my views, and might be out on a limb, or part of the majority, so without more views it's difficult to tell.

Coolfonz had some comments such as this "But phone lines are kind of odd. Like it's not real porn/sex, a bit like a lapdance club is also weird. I don't get it at all. It's a kind of distanced intimacy, rather than simple pictures of more attractive people than myself getting it on."

So although we don't excuse it, I get the impression using a phone line is also seen by Coolfonz as a "lesser" activity, though I'd put a visit to a lapdance club as more "serious" in terms of going off the track and into temptation, because it has more chance of meeting up with a woman and could lead on to sex. I don't see a phone call doing that, at least.

Just caught up on this thread

BK, slow down a bit ,love

I am going to surprise myself (and anybody who knows my stance on sorta crap) but has anything really changed sice you found this out 3 days ago ?

You have discovered since that he has fudged and lied to protect himself (and you, misguidedly) and managed to trip himself up like the idiot he has already proved him to be (we said that 3 days ago )

He has tried damage limitation instead of being completely honest with you in the first place (why don't people do just that, ffs)

I don't know why I am trying to stick up for him, I don't even know the silly sod

It's just that the communication is soooo very poor between you, I think that is your main problem and everything is a kinda distraction

Does that make sense ?

I still don't see a reason to cancel your wedding and/or throw him out, tbh