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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at this - even though I've been open minded about porn?

255 replies

BattyKoda · 11/04/2010 22:33

Found out that DP rang a sex line, one of those thats on the tv. It's really got to me, even though I know he looks at porn occasionally, and I haven't had a problem with that, he has an extremly high sex drive and I cna't keep up!

How would you feel? I don't really know what to do... he's sleeping on the sofa.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 12/04/2010 10:23

"It's just that if you are agreeable to him watching porn, I don't see that it is such a big leap to him ringing a hotline"

It's the level of 'intimacy' that would bother me! Dh watches porn, I am not worried about it, but chatting to someone about sex & getting off on it would be a deal breaker, I think. Just because...well...it is too intimate.

Fantasies are just that, usually all in the mind with a little visual to boot.

But talking...too intimate!

Coolfonz · 12/04/2010 10:43

Are there other fellas on this thread?

I look at porn on the net now and again. The missus knows i look, but we never discuss it, it's kinda my business. Having a DeutscheBank is a fairly private thing.

Some does what it says on the tin, quite a lot i find openly misogynist and disturbing/sad. it's never affected how i feel about the missus (13 yrs). or how often i wanna rude it up etc. if i had my way i'd be at it as often as i could muster (im 45) which doesn't always fit with modern life...

But phone lines are kind of odd. Like it's not real porn/sex, a bit like a lapdance club is also weird. I don't get it at all. It's a kind of distanced intimacy, rather than simple pictures of more attractive people than myself getting it on.

(There is a huge debate to be had about porn and how it works, to cut to the chase i think it's a labour issue myself, it's an industry that needs heavy regulation - like prostitution - to stop huge amounts of exploitation that exist within it imo)

If the OPs fella did it once and never does it again, ok we all make mistakes, but a 35 year old guy on phone lines...er...better be a one-off.

LoveBeingAMummy · 12/04/2010 10:46

Do you still want to marry him knowing this is what he enjoys? What will happen next time? Or 10 years time?

EricNorthmansmistress · 12/04/2010 10:50

My view on this is that you need to chill. I have no objection to DH going on redtube or similar, it's free and not extreme nasty stuff. I have used porn myself during the last few weeks, DH is away and I'm not a robot, although I find porn a bit depressing, it's just a physical release.

DH has ordered TV movies on virgin media which has cost us money. That is out of order, especially since I deal with bills and he didn't tell me beforehand.

I would not be ok with DH ringing chatlines and would tell him so. That would be enough for him, he wouldn't do it again. Do you believe your DH will do it again even though you expressed your dislike of it?

Coolfonz · 12/04/2010 10:54

Yeah Eric N, good point. I was thinking, even as a kid i never used porn apart from a handful (no pun intended) of times, never had my own mags etc (my mate's Dad had some videos though!). Only when it became easily accessible via laptop/wifi did i start having a look...

Paying for it is also kind of odd.

AnyFucker · 12/04/2010 10:59

Have had a further think about this

I think for me it is not just the sex-industry/porn aspect to this

I am struggling to put this into words...but I would just think "who the fuck is this idiotic wanker ..."

to be soooo thick...does he think he really gets a lovely young bimbo on the end of the line when he rings ? Who is really fingering herself while he has a wank ? She is more likely to be doing her ironing or cleaning the kitchen floor...

"ohhh yes, you sound sooo sexy, I am cumming right now < loads the dishwasher >...ohhhh you big, big man < flosses teeth >....you are a sexy beast < picks dogshit up off the lawn >....."

how stupid do you have to be to think this is an authentic sexual experience, worth ruining your relationship with your fiancee for ???

what a dick

and I cannot stand stupid men

ChippingIn · 12/04/2010 11:28

AF - OP said that it was one of the ones where you see them on the TV at the same time they are talking to you?!

I would worry if he feels the need for this, so early in the relationship, due to their different sexual drives - then it's all going to end in tears

SGB - no one said he wasn't able to have a wank - having a wank by himself and paying some tart on a phone to help him are two different things.

Angelcat666 · 12/04/2010 11:29

@ Any Fucker

posieparker · 12/04/2010 11:34

So he actively seeks sexual interaction....

he's not just a wanker is he? He wants more.

He will do this again and he seems to need more to be satisfied.....

DandyLioness · 12/04/2010 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass · 12/04/2010 12:24

I think because eveyrone knows that phone sex operators are doing the ironing/reading the paper/(in my case) assembling Ikea bookshelves that for themen who ring the lines it is just a fantasy, the caller likes to hear a human voice and 'play the game' in the same way that people who (for instance) are into LARPing know that they are not really wizards and pixies, it's just a game.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 12/04/2010 12:43

Okay - I'm back - trying to catch up.

Just to clarify a few points. It's a TV sex line 'Babestation' or something . He said he didn't talk...just listened in, you can see the woman on the screen.

It has been only the once, he gave me the password to his itemised bill online. That's how I know it cost £10.

He said he won't do it again now he's seen how much it has effected me.

We have a miss-matched sex life at the moment because I have some health ishoos. I don't object to him having a wank, but he crossed the line here.

OP posts:
Original poster
BattyKoda · 12/04/2010 12:48

To the 'call off the wedding brigade' - I have 2 DC's with this man, we have been through much worse before and come out the other side. My commitment to this man has already been made. Our wedding is to confirm and share our commitment.

I need help with ways to move forward from this...

Anyfucker - thanks for your constructive input.

OP posts:
cheesesarnie · 12/04/2010 12:48

imo he was a idiot for doing it and hidding it-how did you find out btw?but hes being honest now and hes said now he knows you dont approve he wont do it again.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 12/04/2010 12:49

Cheessarnie - he got a marketing text on his phone, so I asked him outright if he had called before. He confessed.

OP posts:
cheesesarnie · 12/04/2010 12:56

can you forgive?

i think you just need to do lots of talking about what you both think is good/bad.

personally id be steaming for a bit but its all out in the open now,he realises it upsets you and has said he wont do it again.do you trust him?

posieparker · 12/04/2010 12:56

Batty...this is your relationship and you have to move forward in a way that suits you all.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 12/04/2010 13:02

I'm still steaming at the moment. He's getting annoyed at me now for being so annoyed (does that make sense?!)

It's the trust thing that gets me the most, and respect, wondering how he can respect me but go behind my back, and wondering if I can respect him after he's done such a stupid thing.

He is horribly ashamed of it though, I can see that, which is a good thing I suppose. He did say he would stop looking at porn as well if I wanted. I'm not sure if I can be so open minded about any of it after this, it's made me feel really insecure. But then I'm not sure if I could handle the pressure being put on me at the moment, or maybe I should make more of an effort?! I have supplied 'homemade footage' before

OP posts:
BloomingFlowers · 12/04/2010 13:04

Your soon to be husband, three months before the wedding, deliberately and knowingly did something that he knew would upset and undermine you. (if found out).

It matters not whether it is porn, eating his own boggies,wearing your shoes.... that's not the issue.

The issue is that he knowingly,deliberately and deceitfully did something that he knew would hurt you.

You're justifying it on the basis that you love him.

The reality is that he doesn't love you as much.

I wouldn't want to base a marriage on that foundation.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 12/04/2010 13:10

I'm not 'justifying' it at all. In my mind we are already married, we have 2 DC's and have made the commitment to each other, a piece of paper doesn't change our relationship status to us, just legally. This isn't a guy that I have been seeing a while and am trying to figure out if he is The One.

OP posts:
Original poster
BattyKoda · 12/04/2010 13:12

I should have put this in relationships.... AIBU is always the one that springs to mind first though, unfortunately!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/04/2010 13:14

BK, I am taking your thanks at face value

Am actually not sure if you meant "thanks" or thanks IYSWIM

I would like to add something else. Nowhere in my rather ranty posts about idiotic men did I say "leave the bastard" or "call off the wedding"

What I was doing was drawing attention, in no uncertain terms, to how really very, very stupid he had been to do such a banal and ridiculous thing 3 months before your wedding (or in fact...at any time)

this is how I would have reacted if my DH had done such a pathetic and silly thing...

I wouldn't kick him out...but I would really not bother to hide my contempt for him, that is for sure

and if he didn't like that, then he could fuck right off, tbh

posieparker · 12/04/2010 13:18

So I gather, he doesn't get as much sex as he feels he needs and went to another place to get it. Affection, for men, is all tied up in sex. Now I am a strong objector or porn and the sex industry in general. But you and your future husband aren't. You have to talk, talk, talk. He probably didn't think too much about it when he did it, it wasn't malicious, it wasn't to hurt you...I doubt he even thought about you at all. Looking at your needs and his you need to find a way that you both get your own way.

The more sex you have the more you want BTW. Have you ever tried relate sexual therapy or is this a non issue for you?

Clumsymum · 12/04/2010 13:18

I'm pretty cool about my dh looking at porn, but I would REALLY have a problem with this ....

Soooo, he has "a raging horn"? Well good for him. So what would he do if he got a hard on at work, or halfway round sainsbury's? Or had he turned to the channel before he got the horn?

OK, well when he needs to get his rocks off, either he turns to you (I wouldn't mind if dh came to me with this 'problem' once in a while), or he deals with it himself in the bathroom/bedroom/wherever is private.

Ringing a number so he can hear/watch some other woman doing it for him would be very out of order in my book.

Your health issues shouldn't be driving him to these measures, not if he has any respect for you/regard for your feelings. I had a hip operation a few years back, which put me 'out of action' on that front for several months. You know what, we dealt with it. DH reigned in his desires a bit, "managed his own needs", and I did what I could (my hands/mouth were working fine thanks) to keep our love life going. Actually, I think it improved things. We learnt to appreciate each other more.

Your dp needs to exercise a bit more self control, and show he loves YOU.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 12/04/2010 13:20

I'm certainly not hiding my contempt. He slept on the sofa and I've ignored all his calls this morning. I'm considering whether or not to update his facebook status to 'XXX XXXXX rings sex lines, while sat on his own in a pair of y fronts.' But I think that would loose me the moral high ground...

OP posts: