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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

542 replies

AmberTheHappyLuddite · 11/04/2010 19:03

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 11/04/2010 19:51

I went to University < ahem > 22 years ago, and I never saw any parents on Open days. In fact, then I saw it as a rite of passage to travel on your own and make that decision, and would have seen children accompanied by their parents as "wet" and their parents as overbearing and pushy. I am surprised it seems to be so prevalent now.

However, times change. Maybe we do have a different, more collaborative relationship with out children. Certainly, if mine wanted me to, I'd go, (in an unobtrusive way). I take on board what someone said about parents getting in the way.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 11/04/2010 19:52

our children, not "out" children .....

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 11/04/2010 19:53

you make me laugh.

Maybe they all want to go together. Maybe because it's a big thing and they want to share it.

Or maybe it's control, not grown up, tied to the apron strings.

Or maybe it's just seen as normal, so they don't really think about it.

Whatever, it doesn't affect you in any way, so I'd suggest you try not to let it bother you.

Janos · 11/04/2010 19:54

YANBU.

It's called helicopter parenting, I believe.

Helping your kids out and being supportive = great

Micro-managing every aspect of their lives = freakishly controlling.

Quattrocento · 11/04/2010 19:54

My parents didn't come with me to university visits, all those years ago

But if my children want me to be there, I'll go. Of course I will. Why wouldn't I?

I'd also think I could be providing a useful function - checking out what the living accommodation is really like, seeing through the adspeak, working out whether or not a car is indeed necessary (as my DCs will undoubtedly be claiming), working out how much they will expect me to pay versus how much they really need ...

webwiz · 11/04/2010 19:54

I would love my DCs to go to university open days on their own but I don't think DD2 is confident enough to go alone when virtually everyone else has a parent with them. I'll just go along and keep quiet like I did with DD1. The fact that I did the driving and walked around with DD1 has not stopped her settling well at her chosen university.

Rockbird · 11/04/2010 19:54

These 17 year olds, are they the same 17 year olds who are still children as soon as they do something wrong? Only I've lost count of the amount of time that someone here will excuse a 17, 18, 19, 20 year old because they're still 'just a child'. You can't have it all ways.

Hulababy · 11/04/2010 19:56

Janos - it is only "helicopter parenting" if the child is being smothered and not being allowed to make decisions for themselves.

If the teenager wants a parent around for a second opinion then IMO it is not, it is simply gathering a second opinion or some reassurance.

primarymum · 11/04/2010 19:57

I took my eldest on his uni visits this year ( and his gran came to one as well!), mainly because of transport issues, we live in the middle of nowhere, the unis he had chosen were at the other ends of the country and would have meant taxis, overnight stays and expense whereas I could manage the trip in a 3-4 hour drive. He also wanted to have someone to talk about things with, which courses he liked etc. We also visited the local city and had a good look round there. However he chose the unis to look at and he made the decision as to which ones to apply to, I just provided my usual taxi and sounding board service! He is about as independant as it comes-he is flying off to Central America with his younger brother this summer so is hardly mollycoddled!-but he actually values my opinion!

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 11/04/2010 19:58

I don't see that visiting a place where your child will be spending the next 3 or 4 years of their life is micro-managing.

larrygrylls · 11/04/2010 19:58

Quattrocento,

The reason you would not go is the same reason all those years ago you dropped your children off at nursery and turned around. The urge to come in with them when they were tugging at your ankles and crying was surely there but you knew it was in their best interests to learn that they could have fun without Mummy.

In the same sense, a teenage child who asks a parent to accompany them to university does not quite trust their own judgement. It empowers them to tell them that you prefer them to make the choice themselves as they are nearly grown up. They may quaver but will be proud of themselves later and their self confidence will grow.

Janos · 11/04/2010 19:58

Bloody hell at all these posts disagreeing with the OP!

When I was 17 (1991) I travelled half way across the country on my own to vist a uni, stayed over night and got back the next day withotu anything awful happening.

I would have been utterly mortified to be accompanied by my mum.

Weird, I have to say.

EricNorthmansmistress · 11/04/2010 19:59

So many young people make crap decisions when they go to university - the wrong course, the wrong accommodation, the wrong town. I think having a sensible adult to advise them is a very good idea.

My parents had little to do with my own university choices (I was also quite independent) but at the same time I was also 18 and could probably have done with a lot bit more guidance, especially in the first year when lots went wrong for me and my parents weren't really in the loop.

18 is still very young in a lot of ways.

noddyholder · 11/04/2010 19:59

I would go because I will be paying ds has made a few dodgy decisions on his own and this being a biggie i would hope to helphim Also mega nosey plus we as a family love a day out and have a pact to try every pizza express we can.plus I am a helicopter and a control freak so what else can I do?

scottishmummy · 11/04/2010 19:59

given that parents cough up and support children maybe they to want a wee lookey at the accommodation,place etc

don't see anything wrong with parents taking a healthy interest in children education

of course an over bearing influence do this, chose that is a very different thing

PixieOnaLeaf · 11/04/2010 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hulababy · 11/04/2010 20:01

" It empowers them to tell them that you prefer them to make the choice themselves as they are nearly grown up."

Or it tells them that you don't want to be involved and support them, despite them asking for your support and opninion in something that is important.

Surely it really does depend on what the teenager wants.

RunawayWife · 11/04/2010 20:01

As I will be the one paying for my childre'ns UNI I want to see where they are going to be living.

Yes they will be young adults but they will still be my children

Greensleeves · 11/04/2010 20:02

er, larrygrylls, it's very unusual for parents to drop nursery children outside the building and not "come in with them"

some of you do really seem to have a problem with families actually wanting to be supportive and valuing one another's input

I had a friend come with me to help me choose a pair of shoes a few weeks ago - should I take the shoes back to the shop, buy something different and then tell my friend she's a controlling "helicopter friend" for offering her opinion? No?

Barking.

EggyAllenPoe · 11/04/2010 20:02

i just don't se it as smotherin. DH had his parents take him to some of his open days (he is from Cornwall, and they were a long drive away) and he had long been allowed to rampantly do what the hell he wanted.

My (fiercely protective) parents didn't go with me on the other hand

i don't think it necessariy says that uch about the bigger picture, as whther the fuel fo a return journey costs more than a single student railcard ticket..

RunawayWife · 11/04/2010 20:03

Also DS1 has been thinking about uni since he was 11,

mumeeee · 11/04/2010 20:04

YABU. Dh accompanied DD1 on 3 uni open days and I accampied DD2 on one open day. My brother has accompanied one of my nephews on a few uni visits. We did ths because I children wanted us to and felt supported by us. All of the young people chose what unis to apply for. DD1 graduated with a first and is now mature,happily married and doing a PGCE ib Biology, DD2 has just completed her 2nd term at uni. They have both felt supported by us and yes it did have something to do with us because we paid for thier accomadation.

larrygrylls · 11/04/2010 20:05

Scottishmummy,

You are confusing a couple of issues. Sure, if you are paying, you can say that there are certain universities/courses that you do not regard as worthwhile and will not fund. That is reasonable and part of an adult dialogue.

However, to pretend that you need to see the accomodation is going too far. Why? What are you afraid of? As long as it is a course and a university you approve of and it is within the budget you have set, surely it is up to the student themselves?

What am I missing here?

Janos · 11/04/2010 20:06

Meh, you wouldn't be the first pixie .

It seems that things have changed a great deal from when I went to university (18 years ago). It just wasn't the done thing for your parents to come along so I find it very odd.

scottishmummy · 11/04/2010 20:07

i am most certainly not confused.think you mean we dont concur and you are being dismissive inferring confusion