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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

542 replies

AmberTheHappyLuddite · 11/04/2010 19:03

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberTheHappyLuddite · 11/04/2010 19:15

Mollie good point about trust. Surely a well brought up person can make even big decisions such as what uni to go to or even to buy a house, on their own??

OP posts:
siblingrivalryisrelative · 11/04/2010 19:15

Visiting a university with your child is NOT smothering! You have no idea WHY those parents are there. I asked my parents to come with me because I wanted them there - I wanted them to see what they were spending their hard earned cash on and, at the age of (just) 18, I was a little unsure of what I was doing. I don't see that as smothering..I see that as reassurance.

Tosser

LadyintheRadiator · 11/04/2010 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 11/04/2010 19:16

Oh, so now the children aren't "well brought up"

MissAnneElk · 11/04/2010 19:17

Just because they are accompanied by their parents doesn't mean they are not independent. It's a big decision in their lives, they are allowed to have a second opinion. I agree they should be asking the questions but interest in your children doesn't end when they are 18. If my DDs choose to go on their own, fine, but I suspect they will want us there.

Malificence · 11/04/2010 19:17

I suggest the OP gets a life.
I really hope Amber isn't your actual name, it's too beautiful a name for such an ugly attitude.

wonderingwondering · 11/04/2010 19:18

Being well brought up involves considering the views of others, especially your parents, even through your adult life. There's a real distinction between being spoonfed/cosseted and making your own decision with the benefit of the views of others.

Greensleeves · 11/04/2010 19:18

ironically, there's a whiff of immaturity about this thread

it's like "ner ner, I went on the train All By Myself, but you had to come with Mummy"

why do you care if other people's parents were more engaged with their children's lives than yours were?

I agree. Green-eyed monster.

Buddleja · 11/04/2010 19:19

I went to some universities on my todd, I went to some with one of my parents (designated driver!!), I went to some with friends.

Ultimately which ever way I went which one I went to was my choice. Don't think that the fact my parents/friends were there made a scrap of difference.

YABU

Well unless you forgot to mention that the parents were frog marching their off-sring around the place or holding a gun to their heads saying 'you will go where I say'.

brimfull · 11/04/2010 19:20

parents are involved in their childrens education much much more than when I was a child
my parents hardly knew where the school was
I think it's a good thing and it is not smothering
once they've gone to university that's it

BeeConcernedHiveMind · 11/04/2010 19:20

Our family is very close and loving but none of our kids ever asked us to visit universities with them, and we had no desire to go with them. They're adults and perfectly capable of making their own choices.

bronze · 11/04/2010 19:20

Way past those days and never did uni but I would have wanted my Dad there as they would have been helping me financially but also because I really respect his opinion. I still ask him his onion on important things as I value his judgement.
I was and always have been very independent (moved out at 18) and capable of looking after myself.

ByTheSea · 11/04/2010 19:20

I'm originally from the USA, where it is common practice for at least one parent to accompany a potential student on a uni visit. I don't see a problem and I think most teens who trust their parents benefit from having their views on such an important decision.

sarah293 · 11/04/2010 19:21

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Message withdrawn

serenity · 11/04/2010 19:21

When my younger sister was looking at Unis sometimes I went with her, sometimes my parents did. She wanted the company (and a lift in the car!) Not smothering, just friendly.

I used to drive up and buy her pizza sometimes. I feel bad, I was obviously smothering her independence. No wonder she insists on going out and socialising with me now.

Original poster
AmberTheHappyLuddite · 11/04/2010 19:21

It's not so much green eyed monster as a sense of foreboding at training another person with sod all initiative....

I've defintely touched a nerve here!

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 11/04/2010 19:21

change your job then

you sound far too intolerant for it

Malificence · 11/04/2010 19:22

And Yes, we went with DD to visit her Uni, so what?

She's the one with parents actually interested in her life, funny that she's also the one who is the most independant out of all her flat mates, she's the one who's sorted out a house for next year and she's the one with a job, because we've been so smothering.

You really have no idea.

BigBadMummy · 11/04/2010 19:22

it isn't smothering, it is showing an interest. I know several people who have accompanied their children on uni visits and I fully intend to do the same with mine (should they wish to go).

If my DC is going to spend four years of their life somewhere I would like to see what it is like.

I would also like to help them make the decision if they want my input and cannot decide between two or three.

Hulababy · 11/04/2010 19:22

YABU - totally.

Surely it is up to the individual student and parents to decide how they go about looking at universities. If they all wish t be involved int what is after all a huge decision then why shouldn't they be?

And actually if the parents are footing the bill it does have something to do with them!

Yes, they are young adults. Young being quite key here in many situations. Young meaning that reassurance, support and guidance can be pretty beneficial to them.

sarah293 · 11/04/2010 19:23

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Message withdrawn

MillyMollyMoo · 11/04/2010 19:24

Well I will not be going along to open days etc if they aren't able to get themselves through the interview process then they aren't ready to go full stop and I am not paying for them to do a year and then drop out.
Ideally I want them to see how far from home they are, look around the town and have the ability to think about plan B's if the train doesn't turn up etc.
Otherwise they can have a gap year to sort these things out and go later.

giveitago · 11/04/2010 19:25

Maybe because parents are forking out for this?

I went alone but it was iln the days when there were only a few uni's and it was free. I laughed when my aunti took my cousin many years later but actually I was wrong - cousin wanted to go - they were paying and so they were interested. Looks odd but in this day and age, fair enough.

leftangle · 11/04/2010 19:25

20 years ago when I went to uni it never crossd my mind, or my parents, that they should go with me. I had long journeys and an overnight stay and never considered it a problem, or unusual. I know that things are different today and will let my dd decide if she wants us or not if the time comes but, like the op, I do find it a bit strange.

bronze · 11/04/2010 19:26

15 miles? I used to travel 300 miles by train on my own at that age