to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

[AmberTheHappyLuddite]

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

I think the OP is very narrowminded to think that her way is the only right way.

As a 17yo I was very shy and would have loved for my parents to come with me and look around Universities. As it turned out, due to an interesting set of grade predictions (completely crap and wrong) we didn't get the chance. The Uni I chose to go to, I chose off my own bat and my Mum was not happy with my choice - but I didn't go to see it until interview stage and as I was not going to be resident there, it really made no odds as to whether parents came or not. (I lived at home and commuted into London).

I always wanted my parents to take an interest in stuff that mattered to me and to get their input - that's why the first house I bought completely by myself, I got them to come and look at it with me before I put in an offer on it.

a parent should definately do the uni visit.Obviously your parents werent paying for you as it was some time ago!Both my kids are mega self sufficient but there is loads to discuss afterwards and sometimes there are conflicting lectures at the same time so 2 is better than one. Sorry you were Norman no mates.

DD1 turned up her nose at one university because the students looked like complete dorks/ nerds/ geeks. We didn't do any visits -- she visited this uni with her art class from school in her final year. She is now very happy there, and has even come to terms with the mice that share her dorm. This was a university I knew (from its reputation) would be perfect for her, but as a 17yo she had funny priorities.

Living in vermin infested squalor is part of university's rich pageant, isn't it? Along with memorising the script of Withnail.

I'm glad my parents came with me actually for moral support and company when I went to uni. Plus the fact I was relying on them for transport there and back!

I was independent anyway. I certainly could look after myself and I never moved back home certainly.

It also set my parents mind at rest as to where I was going

I think it best to fit in with the majority. Universities certainly expect parents to be there these days, with special talks for them and vouchers for hot drinks. I think that my DS might have been lonely as one of the very few students on their own.When he went for interviews every student had a parent with them.

I didn't assume I was needed during ds2's uni visit and wasn't intending to accompany him. However, he asked if I'd come along - as much as anything because we both fancied some time in Tate Modern afterwards. He'd done a gap year and knew exactly what course he planned to take but still had some sensible questions of his own. I said precisely nothing and spent some of the time enjoying a cup of tea. Unfortunately, there were a couple of very precious parents who asked the sort of questions more suited to cub camp meetings and their offspring were clearly mortified. But then ds2 and his friends were astonished to discover just how helpless some of their fellow students were anyway. When he got to halls he found that a worrying number of his contemporaries didn't seem to know how to do the most basic tasks. So it is no surprise that there are parents who can't cut the apron strings when it comes to visiting universities.

Gosh it all sounds a bit Charlie & the Chocolate Factory.

1991 my Mum came on my first ever Uni open day visit to Birmingham (day out, bit of shopping) pre mobile phone, she sat in a cafe with a book till I finished. As far as I remember there were only a couple of parents on the tours who were sniggered at(I still remember the law students / tower story).
After that I enjoyed the adventure of going on my own, DH says it was his first taste of being grown up.

Dr. DH , who works at a top Uni, ( get me ) also has pointed out that it's all about marketing, bums on seats & yes parental money. So the universitys lay on special stuff for the parents to convince the parental pound to come their way. You may kid yourself that your asking great questions but the marketing department are two steps ahead.

We both find it sad and hope our daughters ( 4 & 2) experience will be similar to ours. Although obviously I'll be itching to see inside those Chocolate Factory gates when the time comes.

Sorry for spelling mistakes - engineer not humanities. Favourite moment of independance was when in 2nd year shared house the Phantom Dumper struck blocking the only bog with the biggest log ever. Me and the biologist managed to unblock lav with caustic cider and bucket without calling parents or landlord smug, although that had been our initial paniced thought.

Maybe because they are paying or maybe because they fancy a short holiday! Back in the day I went to loads of uni open days, including Newcastle and Bradford, to which my parents did not accompany me, but when it came to going to Cambridge my dad was well up for accompanying me on my trip so as to spend the weekend sightseeing and drinking beer while I was touring the facilities.

Bobdog, the marketing dept are not one step ahead of us! DH is in a similair position to yours and we shall be gently encouraging our DC's to look at alternative career pathways where they might actually make some money instead of running up debt.

We are particularly proud of DS2 (7) who has been determined since the age of 2,to be a pie man.

University indeed!

The parental lectures etc were started to distract the helicopter parents and let the kids investigate a bit on their own and get a word in edgeways.

Hello serinBrightside,

Glad to hear it, we're also hoping DCs will fall in love with something and find their own way. I was first generation at Uni, I doubt I'd of gone today with the level of debt expected. DH did meterology, both of us graduated in the 90's recession, were unemployed then took jobs that did n't pay well but were & are satisfying. I think because of that at the moment we don't feel that certificates are the only path to a rewarding grown up life and that actually at 18 our parents would have chosen very different paths then the ones we took.

DD1 from aged 2 to nearly 5 now wants to be a Porridge Maker [proud emoticon thing]

We can recommend to your most sensible son Sweeny & Todds in Reading, a most excellent Pie Shop and retro tv Button Moon.

Heck, do parents have to go to these now?

Back in the mists of time when i was going to Uni open days I never saw ONE SINGLE parent at any of them. It would have been seen as very strange and sad and I would have been utterly mortified if my parents had insisted on attending. And i travelled several hundreds of miles to most of them and survived to tell the tale!

Maybe it is different now - but i don't think that is a good thing. i think it is very sad how little independence our DCs are allowed today compared to when i was 18.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy - I wasn't meaning to imply in any way that a subject like history isn't a completely worthy subject in its own right. Study for study's sake is a wonderful thing. I just fear that it is an opportunity that is being taken away from this generation given the situation with graduate jobs. There was a time when any good degree would get you a good job - that time seems to have passed, so I question the benefit of university full stop when you consider the amount of debt incurred.

But to those who say parents deserve a greater say these days because they are contributing more. Many many parents had to contribute in the days of the means-tested grant, and they didn't feel the need to chaperone their children to their university open days. And I would repeat what I said earlier that no parents should be feeling they have to pay the fees for their children. The loans system gives a loan for fees in all cases regardless of family income. NOtwithstanding what I said above about study for study's sake, in many ways the fees are a good thing as they focus student's minds. Plus the repayments, as I also said before, really don't seem that onerous. The problem comes if the graduate can't find any job at all.

I recently went to a Uni Open Day where I was mistaken for a parent rather than a prospective student. All the other students had a parent with them & I (being a 'mature' student)stuck out like a sore thumb. Put me right off. It most definitely wasn't like that first time around for me - I'd have been mortified if my ma had come along. They just weren't geared up for it then but it's a whole different ball game now. I texted my ma & complained that everyone else had a parent & she texted back "aw diddums...want your mummy there to hold your hand?" Can't wait to accompany my kids if they decide to go & am already thinking up really embarrassing questions to ask...

The maintenance loan didn't even cover the cost of halls for some people I know, let alone food and books on top!

"There was a time when any good degree would get you a good job - that time seems to have passed, ..."

However not all degrees were a guarantee of a job. I wonder whether that time passed in the 80s or 90s or 00s in your view, gaelicsheep

.....

In spring of 1979, with 10 other people, I went for one of two positions (Trainee Programmers) at what was then a Polytechnic.

One candidate had BSc and MSc in Maths and they wanted to get someone to liaise with Maths department so she was 'in'. Of the others, I was the only one without a degree, and got the second post.

I could do a lengthy piece on my background but precis is 7x 'O' 0x'A' {left school at 16}, then quit college after 7 terms of 9 term course in Radio + Radar, as prospects to get on a ship for necessary 6 month probation period dropped to almost nil - the use of supertankers meant oil companies had surplus of staff (3 tankers scrapped for each supertanker that went to sea).

I graduated in the early 90's and very few of my contemporaries got good jobs, regardless of the strength of their degree because of the recession at that time. I doubt the early 80's were a good time either. Because of that recession few of us had managed to work very much whilst studying so there was a high debt burden too. The difference being that the debt was with banks (who very unscrupulously let students run up very very large overdrafts) and the repayment was neither delayed nor at a low interest rate. I had friends with very generous allowances who ran up stupid debts and other friends who managed on their grant alone (the difference in general was how much they drank), and I don't think that has probably changed a great deal.

The days when a good degree walked you straight into a job were I think really a longtime ago. Personally I think it is a good thing for everyone to spend at least some time in a relatively low paying job, rather then walk straight into an affluent bubble and never leave.

I was very independent at 18, I already lived by myself and was working whilst studying, however I wanted my parents to come along, They were able to discuss things later with me, and give me other perspectives on things...nothing to do with money, it is parents choice whether or not to pay and this does not give them a right over uni choice.... however some 18 yr olds are mature enough to value other peoples opinions and make informed choices- nothing to do with 'smothering'. As ggirl said, why do you care? no need to go to your own children's visits if you dont feel you can contribute positively but all families work in different ways- and you can not judge whether this is correct!

lauraly

I have to take issue with you a bit there - I think that if the parents are paying a substantial amount towards the overall costs of three years at uni then it does give them a right to have an opinion about the suitability of the uni, or a course. If my child wanted me to stump up money to help them get on the property ladder I'd expect to have a say in what property they chose, and I don't see how this is any different. I'm not saying we should choose for them, or influence them unduly, but if I felt in my gut that a bad choice was being made I would be reluctant to pay too much towards it. Harsh, but fair methinks. Doesn't mean they can't go, just that they have to be extremely committed to their choice, and prepared to take on substantial debt of their own to fund it. If they prove me wrong and get a good degree and a good job then I'll happily help them out to pay it back at the end, assuming I can afford to by then.

Rockbird, thank you for the compliment. You flatter me too much.

We will have to agree to disagree. It still saddens me that it is now the norm for parents to attend. Saddens me that people think that this is a good idea.
I of course want my children and everyone elses to feel loved and supported when they make decisions. But when I went to open days. I then came home and talked to my mum and dad. They asked questions that maybe I hadn't considered. But I think that deep in my gut I knew what uni I wanted to go to. And i didn't need any help choosing accomodation or anything esle. My parents were so loving sand supportive that I always felt confident.
But then I was , and had been for many years , a very very 'ballsy' teenager. Nothing ever stopped me achieving anything I ever wanted.
But I do have to appreciate that not many people have the confidence I have. Lots of Mn'ers don't seem to have much confidence and that makes me sad aswell.
Goodness why is everything making me sad these days ?

Nobody can see into the future. Four or five years ago parents asked what they thought were relevant questions at university open houses, and sent their children off to do courses that were perfectly good choices given the circumstances of those halcyon days. Now everything has changed completely, and I suspect there are many regrets about course choices.

I'm not quite understanding "parents asking what they thought relevant questions" in order to have "sent their children off to do courses" - was the undergraduate consulted or did they just get to sew name labels on their socks and pants?

you are being completely unreasonable.

maybe the parents are actually interested in what their children do and where they want to go? maybe they asked them to come? maybe they are paying and so want to see where the money goes?
independance is a good thing but just because their parents accompanied them on these visits does not make them dependant. maybe they have a healthy relationship and value their parents opinions and thoughts on the matter.

you sound rather bitter and that is a shame.